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| Christoph Roan Despereaux; Last minute entry! | |
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| Topic Started: May 20 2013, 09:35 PM (428 Views) | |
| Squarefighter | May 20 2013, 09:35 PM Post #1 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Name: Christoph Roan Despereaux Gender: Male Age: 17 Grade: Senior School: Aurora High School Hobbies and Interests: Standup Bass, Guitar, Choir, Urban Biking, Pencil Art, Catholisism. Appearance: Broad shoulders and a high metabolism gave Christoph the ideal body type for an athlete, although he has squandered it by lack of exercise. He stands 5'11 and weighs 143 lbs. His Sioux and Germanic cross heritage make for an odd face, with tanned, Hispanic skin tone and more European features, such as light blue eyes, with a massive scar across the face. He has long, black hair tied loosely back into a ponytail in the back. Christoph wears mostly simple black and white clothing. On the day of abduction he was wearing a worn black T-shirt, a black hoodie, and blue jeans. He was also carrying his pocket knife, a wallet, and a cheap cell phone. Biography: Born on Indian reservation Fort Peck, Montana in 1993 to Anna-Lucia Sistrurus and Hugo Despereaux, Christoph’s family achieved new financial heights when Christoph was 4 years of age and moved to Minnesota. There life continued happily and normally for 4 more years until the day Christoph's father left to go get milk for fifteen minutes and never came back home. No one knew what had happened to him until exactly 10 days later, when a man dressed all in black came to the household, telling Anna-Lucia what had become of Hugo. Hugo Despereaux had accrued debt very quickly due to a gambling addiction he had never told the family about. At the reservation there were casinos, and it was there that he had gained a great deal of money through sheer luck. Realizing that their new fortune could take him and his family away from the dirt poor reservation, he bought property in Minnesota and moved, swearing to end his gambling. But Hugo Despereaux was a weak willed man, and in the absence of Native American casinos, he took up Mafia gambling. It was at one of these underground facilities that Hugo gambled away everything he owned, and when his money and property were taken from him, he gambled false money. When he inevitably lost and couldn't pay up, Hugo was beaten to death with the handle of a revolver. The man explaining this information then told Anna Lucia that his organization was taking the house, effective in 24 hours. After that, Anna Lucia was forced into sharing an apartment less than a third the size of their previous residence with two meth heads. They lived like this until one of the addicts, going by the alias Gitch, attempted to murder then 11 year old Christoph for his 75¢ he had on him with a pocket knife while heavily influenced by cheap product. Christoph managed to get away with only a curving scar from just under his right eye across his nose to his left ear and the knife itself, which he always keeps with him. Anna Lucia had Gitch put into prison, and moved to a different apartment that she didn’t have to share with anyone else. She never told Christoph how she made the extra money. After his run-in with Gitch, Christoph became obsessed with music and the arts. He became a proficient music in a multitude of instruments, but became especially interested in standup bass, guitar, and voice. His practicing were so frequent that they could be described as obsessive. Music, was 12 year old Christoph’s way of escaping the harsh realities of his life, the nagging questions like “Did dad ruin our lives?” or “Why does mom work so late into the night?” Around the time he enrolled at Aurora high school, a new question emerged- why did he feel so attached to his male peers, especially one in particular? Why is it that he never felt attracted to the girls at the school? But he firmly buried these thoughts deep within himself. When the other boys acclaimed at how hot their female classmates were, it was Christoph who joined in most rigorously, it was him who beat up classmates because they had identified themselves with the gay community, acted gay, or even were suspected of being gay. It was Christoph who lead others to reject gays and those who affiliated themselves with such people. Christoph began leading a double life, one side of him wanting to play music and fulfill his true feelings, the other attempting to stamp out anyone who has already accomplished this. Advantages: Christoph can handle stressful situations, and knows how people think. He is a natural leader and has perfected his poker face. He is also good with knives. Disadvantages: Christoph’s massive insecurities often prevent him from thinking too deeply on anything, and contribute to his trouble focusing. His extremely convoluted thoughts on Homosexuality lead to clouded judgement in social interactions. Edited by Squarefighter, May 21 2013, 01:40 PM.
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| MurderWeasel | May 27 2013, 01:41 PM Post #2 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hiya, Squarefighter! Christoph is DENIED pending some fairly serious editing. Before we get to that, though, I've got a few things to address. Simply put, Christoph's profile is in serious need of a pretty total overhaul to bring it in line with our detail and realism standards. If you want to take a shot at getting that done in time, I am absolutely willing to give whatever help I can. We are, however, currently sitting at sixteen days until all profiles need to be approved, and as I mentioned in the deadline thread, we're not going to ease up standards just because of that. As such, unless stuff gets edited quickly and comprehensively, your odds of getting Christoph into V5 are not terribly high. Whether you decide to edit or not, you can always reuse the concept/profile (pending required setting-appropriate and staff-requested edits) either for V6 or for a Mini (one of which should open before too long after V5's start). This is true even if you make edits but don't get stuff completely overhauled within the window. Anyways, that out of the way, here's the profile critique! First off, Christoph's bio should have a line skipped between each paragraph so that it's easier to read; right now it's a wall of text that is hard on the eyes. "Catholisism" should be "Catholicism" The hobbies and interests list does not need a period at the end. Christoph's appearance section needs a lot more detail. Sioux and Germanic heritage does not, to the best of my knowledge, include notable Hispanic ancestry, which means that we could either use more information on Christoph's background or the descriptor needs to be changed. I'd like more facial description, specifically notable features and such. Also, a scar that is very prominent should be described. Christoph's body-type description is problematic because it describes what he is not (an athlete) rather than what he actually looks like. All I've got now is broad shoulders. I'd like a rough body shape, at least. Christoph's hair needs a more specific length; long is vague enough that it makes it tough to get a good picture. Christoph's bio is where the real issues come up, though. V5 is set in 2012, so for Christoph to be 17, he should have been born in either 1994 or 1995. Christoph's background needs a lot more explanation. Why were his parents on a reservation? Why did they move away? What did they do for a living? Numerals such as 4 should be spelled out, as "four". The bulk of the backstory involving the gambling debts is not particularly realistic and needs to be, at the very least, overhauled completely. Organized crime still needs a veneer of legality to operate, and murder is usually a terrible enforcement mechanism. More than that, illegal gambling rings would be powerless to repossess houses, since doing so requires government involvement (which is not something the mafia would ever want). Similarly, the drug addicts thing has to go, as well as the murder attempt. There are all kinds of government programs in place to help single mothers avoid this sort of situation, and more than that, there are other options even for someone who for whatever reason can't access these things. Where is Christoph's extended family? Why not go back to the reservation? Christoph may not know what his mother does for work, but we need to. Profiles are written from an omniscient, detached perspective, so answers to these sorts of questions need to be presented. Quotes are too informal for a profile's tone. Aurora High School is in Seattle, not Minnesota. Beating up gay students is a great way to at best end up expelled and at worst end up in jail, especially in a city with a very active gay rights community and a reputation as one of the most liberal in the country. The real issue, though, is that there's all this dramatic stuff here but I don't have any idea who Christoph is underneath it all. The purpose of SOTF is to take grounded, realistic characters and see how they react when put into a crazy situation. To that end, I'd like to see the weird crazy stuff stripped out of Christoph, and him brought down to earth, more in line with our approved characters. Check out, for instance, Cody Patton for a closer idea of what we're looking for, in terms of realism and detail. And, for the record, I do know that hideously strange and unreasonable things can happen to people. I would never, ever be able to get an accurate character based on me approved. The reason for this is that these sorts of occurrences are very rare, yet if we approved them for one profile, we'd need to, in the name of equality, approve them in all. That would lead to a game full of crazy characters, like the bulk of V1. Moving on: Christoph's advantages and disadvantages all need to be things that are mentioned and explained in his bio. They should also be roughly equivalent in severity. So, that's the deal: Christoph needs an overhaul to be brought way down to earth. Post when you've got that done, and we'll give him another look. Thanks!
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| MurderWeasel | Jun 14 2013, 01:58 AM Post #3 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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V5 registrations are now officially closed. This character is eligible for resubmission in V6 or a Mini, pending alterations requested by staff and suitable to the setting. |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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