Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Jace Walsh
Topic Started: Apr 8 2013, 04:51 PM (441 Views)
Jace
Member Avatar
I knew a man from Nantucket
[ * ]
Name: Jace Walsh
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th grade
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Listening and performing music, mystery novels, philosophy, archery, and medical practices.

Appearance: Jace stands at six feet, one inch in height and weighs around 160 pounds. His height is offset by his mildly slim build and little muscle (as the only exercise he gets is from archery). His eyes are a dark blue color and his hair, somewhat short and well-kept, is a dirty blond color, just light enough not to be considered brown. His skin is fair, though lightly tanned, and his face contains features that make him appear almost innocent. His face is clean shaven and is relatively clear aside from a few blemishes here and there, as well as tiny shave razor wounds that never seem to go away. His expressions are generally lacking and despite the fact that he can smile or scowl quite a bit, his face rarely conveys actual emotion. He has the look of someone who is reserved and quiet as opposed to vibrant and fun.
Despite his personality and his looks, Jace still has a casual sense of style, electing to wear form-fitting jeans and button-down shirts most of the time.

Biography: Jace’s life has been complicated at best. He was born into a poor family whose only place to call home was a small, damaged apartment building. His father left his family when Jace was six or seven (the memory is foggy to him), and didn’t come back until several years later and since then, their relationship could only be described as rocky. Jace was bred from misfortune, and his life took another turn for the worse when, at the age of six, his doctor had him diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome, a disorder that caused him to be insecure and isolated throughout his childhood. Despite such adversity, Jace found himself interested in learning and performing, finding solace in music as well as mystery novels like those of Sherlock Holmes (who he sees as an idol due to his conditions), and in studying medicine. Eventually, later in his life, his family managed to pull themselves out of their financial hole and live happily, though Jace was still broken from his experiences. This gave him the means to study and learn more about what he wanted to learn such as archery, music, and medical practices. He sees himself somewhat as a philosopher who sees the world as it is and desires to do his part in ridding it of suffering: by helping people as a doctor. However, the adversity he has faced has taken it’s toll on the boy’s mind. As a result, he finds it difficult to communicate or socialize with other people and has the exterior of someone who hates the world and has nothing to offer but pain. But inside, he is soft and good-hearted, and simply finds it difficult to express his true feelings. As such, he is isolated and yearning for his miserable high school career to end and to start fresh at his university, studying medicine and living his dream. (I’d just like to point out that I really do have tourettes, those experiences, and a passion for medicine. So I know how to go about roleplaying it.)

Advantages: Archery skill (one of his only hobbies) as well as being mildly charismatic, and skilled at avoiding conflict. He also has somewhat extensive medical knowledge.
Disadvantages: A lack of medical experience, a general fear of seeing death (something that he hasn’t been affected by too much in his life, and will probably be seeing much of as a doctor), and a basic inability to stomach the idea of hurting people, or killing them. Insults are typically as far as he finds himself able to go.
Edited by Jace, Apr 8 2013, 09:54 PM.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
MurderWeasel
Member Avatar
You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hiya, Jace, and welcome to SOTF!

Before we give Jace the character a full critique, please be sure his profile conforms to the template exactly. Specifically, please remove the line break between advantages and disadvantages and make sure the text of his bio immediately followers the header, like every other section. Post when you've got that done, and we'll give Jace a full critique. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Jace
Member Avatar
I knew a man from Nantucket
[ * ]
Fixed.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
MurderWeasel
Member Avatar
You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hiya, Jace! Sorry about the delay here.

Character-Jace is a good start, but is DENIED pending some editing and expansion.

"Listening and performing music" should be "Listening to and performing music"

I'd like you to break up the paragraphs a little bit; right now, Jace's profile is sort of a wall of text, which makes it a bit hard to read.

I'd like a bit more description of Jace's hair length; short is really vague and doesn't really let the reader get a good picture of Jace.

I'd like to know a bit more about Jace's facial features, just some description of them. How do they make him look innocent?

I'm a little confused about Jace's face rarely conveying emotion. Even reserved and quiet people usually give off some signs unless they're specifically trying not to, and Jace sounds decently if not overly expressive in the rest of his description.

I'd also like to know what specifically Jace was wearing on the day of the abduction.

Jace's bio is where the real issues right now lie. Basically, it's really short and cursory, and I'd like to see it a lot more fleshed out. Take a look at some of our Approved Characters for an idea of the level of detail we're looking for. I'll also give a basic breakdown of information I'd like to see. This is not an exhaustive list, just a starting point. I'd love to see more than just the answers to these questions.

What are Jace's parents' names? What do they do for a living? Are they Seattle natives, or did they move from somewhere else? Why did his father leave? What did his extended family think of that (specifically his father's parents)? Did his father pay child support? Why did he return? What's the relationship between his parents like now?

While Jace himself may not know the answers to all these questions (which is totally fine), the profiles are written from an omniscient perspective, so the details need to be there.

How does Jace's Tourettes manifest itself? How have his parents dealt with it? How has it affected his school life? Has he gotten any special treatment? What type of music is Jace into? What does he play? What sort of medicine is he studying? When did he first take an interest in all these things, and how has that interest developed over time?

On two somewhat related notes: We'd like it if the bio flowed roughly chronologically, and we're also trying to get rid of parenthetical statements in bios, so if things could be re-ordered so everything is in chronological order and sentences rephrased so that parenthesis are unnecessary, that'd be great.

How did Jace's family pull themselves into a better position? Why did philosophy and archery appeal to him?

I'm having issues with Jace having such a damaged exterior, simply because it would ring all kinds of bells for school authorities and probably get social services involved in his life. It's fine for Jace to be cynical and awkward, but even huge jerks have more to offer than pain. I'd like to see a bit more nuance to Jace's interactions with the world.

Out of character notes shouldn't be in the profile, since profiles are copied directly into the roster and we try to keep them all in-character. I appreciate the information, though. :)

I also want a whole lot more of the ordinary, everyday stuff. One of the most fun bits of SOTF is seeing how ordinary people react to extraordinary circumstances, so to get the full effect we need a good baseline of what your character is like. How does Jace do in school? Which classes does he do best in? Does he struggle anywhere? Does he have any siblings? How does he get along with his parents? How does he interact with people at school? What does he do in his free time? Where is he going to college (V5 is set at the end of the school year, so most students will have already been accepted)?

Basically, I just want Jace fleshed out a lot and some stuff clarified. This is probably the area that'll take the most work, but I think you've got a solid skeleton; it just needs fleshing out.

Jace's advantages and disadvantages should be written out in complete sentences. I find Jace being stated to be charismatic a little odd, since his bio suggests he has a hard time socializing, so I'd like this to be explained a bit more in his bio. I also want more detail on his archery; how good is he at it? how long has he done it?

Medical knowledge is something we're really careful about. It's cool if Jace has taken, say, first aid and CPR and has some theoretical knowledge beyond that, but I'd like it to be pretty explicit what he knows.

Lacking actual medical experience isn't actually a disadvantage; it's just a limitation to one of his advantages. His fear of death needs to come up in his bio, and unless it's a good deal stronger than the general fear of death most people have, isn't really a disadvantage. Jace's pacifism should also come up in his bio and get explained. In general, the advantages and disadvantages sections serves as a place to recap and view a character through the lens of the oncoming SOTF program; they shouldn't present anything new, just help us see how the other information will interact with the game.

I know there's a lot of stuff here, but it all boils down to more detail and information. Post when you've got Jace edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks a ton! :)
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Namira
Member Avatar
Null sheen.
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.
Posted Image
SotF: Mini - SCdoes a-rolling! - PV3 Prologue ongoing!
Draw Thread! - Pathfinder! - Writing Thread!

Adequate summary of my personality
V6 Corner
V5 Kiddies
V4
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
ZetaBoards - Free Forum Hosting
Free Forums. Reliable service with over 8 years of experience.
« Previous Topic · Forfeited and Abandoned Characters · Next Topic »
Locked Topic