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| Sebastian Church | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 9 2013, 12:02 AM (431 Views) | |
| El Duque | Mar 9 2013, 12:02 AM Post #1 |
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I Suck At Writing to Justify Doing It for Free
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Name: Sebastian Church Gender: Male Age: 18 Grade: 12th School: Aurora Highschool Hobbies and Interests: Basketball, Hip-Hop, Literature, Music Production, Social Media Appearance: Sebastian Church is fairly large but not enough to be imposing. Standing at 6'1" and weighing at 190lbs Sebastian's physique still wears the benefits of his athletic past though his general demeanor, posture, and body language are enough to still bring images of gangly, clumsy, goofy teenager. Caucasian features begin with wavy golden blonde hair coming down to a very plain pair of brown eyes, his cheeks are decorated with light freckles thought nothing too noticeable or substantial. His thin lips reveal a large smile with beautiful, straight, white teeth a result of his dentist father more so than his own personal care. In contrast to his smile Sebastian normally looks like kind of a mess, mostly wearing jeans and a variety of plain solid colored shirts matched with a corresponding and matching hat in the snapback style. His hair could stand to be cut, his wispy blonde facial hair could stand to be shaved but the boy often waves off suggestions with a smile. A boy of two sides--an athletic physique and a clumsy demeanor, plain features and loud clothes Sebastian's looks are about as non-committal as his personality. On the day of the abduction he was seen wearing a forest green t-shirt, a vintage Seattle Supersonic's snapback, cargo shorts, a brand new pair of checkered vans sneakers, and showing off a graduation present given to him by his grandfather in the form of a brand new gold watch. Biography: The only born child to Taylor and Tammy Church, a pair of upper middle class suburbanites that appear average but have a healthy amount of quirks. While at Aurora High Taylor Church was a part of a Pixies cover band and although he never made it much farther than the high school gym he still carries with him a sort of rock star air and attitude that makes him a favorite among his dentistry patients.Tammy Church is a homemaker and tireless mother, a contrast and balance to Taylor with her overall political correctness and attachment to more traditional family values. Sebastian has always taken in the lessons of both his parents completely and his parents also encouraged him to see both sides of any issue and to find value even in disagreement. As said earlier this could have contributed to a somewhat indecisive youth but the childhood of Sebastian Church was both enriching and varied, his father always quick to show him the arts and entertainment, his mother always to encourage athletics and education. Sebastian showed to be a child who was eager to take in any sort of information he could and chase any dream that came his way. Karate class was attended for a few weeks, Boy Scouts for another two, Go-Kart racing, roller blading, paintball, a variety of card games, model air planes, and by the time the child was twelve his room seemed to be a graveyard for hobbies committed to with much vigor and discarded with equal apathy. When he was twelve and beginning to grow taller than the other boys he discovered his first real love and that was basketball. He had a real talent for the game, dominating after school black court matches and even getting recruited to a youth basketball league. His parents, as per usual, were extremely supportive of their child and he remained a big player on his middle school team that even made it to the semi-finals in the county tournament with Sebastian as lead rebounder and a top scorer on the team. In high school it seemed that he would continue to be dedicated to basketball but when he was regulated to junior varsity and forced to play against bigger, better athletes Sebastian began to feel frustrated. He didn't quit his freshman year, but a mediocre season as a team and a horrible season personally made his decision to quit his Sophomore year unsurprising. He began to focus more on academics and although not of particularly high intelligence he proved to be more than capable of maintaining a B average with a moderate amount of effort. Sebastian began to embrace more of a rebel image reading Bukowski and Palahniuk along with listening to aggressive west hip-hop music creating another duality within the boys developing insight. His whole demeanor changed from jock to artist has quickly as he had changed hobbies throughout his life--though he could never give up on basketball completely. He still loved the game and watched it constantly along with playing informal pick up games occasionally but it was clear that Church viewed one as a game and the other as a lifestyle. Coincidentally his new growing love in music paired with a revolution of social media, he became almost as obsessed with hip-hop music and these new ways of sharing it allowed him access to artists and songs he would've never dreamed of listening too. First he became interested in simply listening to the newest, then he became interested in learning about the culture, reaching out to other artists and finally turned to making his own. His father was happy to allow his son to chase his own failed dreams in music, investing a decent amount of money into a home music studio where Sebastian began to spend nearly all of his time within dedicating to his new passion. His music like most of his previous tasks lacked a clear vision though he carried a base 'amount of talent. He recently released a eight song mixtape entitled "I'm Tryin' to go to Church" too little fanfare either at school or his religiously maintained but rarely frequented blog. Socially Sebastian isn't necessarily awkward but he is far from a social butterfly, he is often stuck within his own mind and relayed to his own interests. He isn't much of a partier finding more value in drunken wisdom than drunken hooliganism. Sebastian is constantly romanticizing his situation casting his own life as some bizarre Bukowski-Rock documentary missing both the natural disregard to social order and charisma a true rock star would possess. Sebastian does not place value in the relationships he makes in high school, dismissing them with the notion that he is destined for far greater things than the halls of Aurora--he is a big dreamer but seems to focus only on his dreams. He does have a small group of friends, a group of younger high school students who look up to him as some sort of musical guru. Throughout his life his shifting interests have left him with very few strong connections, people know his face, remember his name, but memories rarely extend beyond a conversation at lunch or in the classroom. Sebastian while not combative is rarely inviting and finds relating too or understanding others while not difficult to be completely useless--Sebastian is dedicated to being an individual to a fault. In recent days Sebastian could be seen expressing great happiness that high school is finally ending, he remained mostly detached from the whole process of Prom and graduation but he did allow himself to get excited for the school trip--after all it wasn't every day you received a chance to go to Disney world. Advantages: Moderately athletic, moderately intelligent, it could be said that Sebastian is possessive of all tools needed to succeed on the island. He is a calm, rational thinker with the ability to learn and adapt quickly to a variety of situations. Lack of true social connections goes both ways possibly removing the potential of pre-island relationships with negative implications. Disadvantages: Jack of all trade but master of none, the perpetual B student allows his grade point average to define his talent. A complete lack of combat experience and very few potential allies with a mentality conducive to creating more. Unused to dealing with pressure or adversity and lacking a certain degree of killer instinct or drive, it's hard to say that he has the mental build to truly go far in the game. Edited by El Duque, Mar 13 2013, 12:47 AM.
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"My man got too familiar and I’d ended up having to whoop his ass, man, you know. Because he would step across the line. Habitually. He’s a habitual line stepper.” - Charlie Murphy v7 Ace Beats: Varsity Blues - Wale C.C. Mac: I Do - Cardi B | |
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| BetaKnight | Mar 23 2013, 02:26 AM Post #2 |
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Hi, Chad. I'm BetaKnight and I'll be the handler walking you through registration. Currently, Sebastian Church is temporarily DENIED pending revision. I favor a "lay it all out in a single go" approach to critiquing, so my areas of concern will be highlighted in color and my corrections/directions will be in green. Let's get started. Name: Sebastian Church Gender: Male Age: 18 Grade: 12th School: Aurora Highschool (Missing a space) Hobbies and Interests: Basketball, Hip-Hop, Literature, Music Production, Social Media (While your list is good, in the biography, most of these hobbies and interests are underdeveloped. General rule about hobbies and interests is that each one should have roughly a paragraph explaining when the hobby was begun, why the character is interested in this particular hobby, the skill level of the character, favorite titles, artists, and genres where applicable, how the hobby is financed, and any other pertinent information.) Appearance: Sebastian Church is fairly large but not enough to be imposing. (This should not be all alone. Please combine it with the paragraph below.) Standing at 6'1" and weighing at 190lbs Sebastian's physique still wears the benefits of his athletic past though his general demeanor, posture, and body language are enough to still bring images of gangly, clumsy, goofy teenager. (That height/weight combo puts Sebastian in the Overweight section of the BMI scale. Even if the weight is muscle due to athletics and not fat, I’m not seeing how that translates into gangly and clumsy. This seems to be really counter-intuitive.) Caucasian features begin with wavy golden blonde hair (How long is Sebastian’s hair? In what style is it usually worn?) coming down to a very plain pair of brown eyes, (You're using a comma splice. Please fix this.) his cheeks are decorated with light freckles thought nothing too noticeable or substantial. His thin lips reveal a large smile with beautiful, straight, white teeth a result of his dentist father more so than his own personal care. (I'd like to know more details about Sebastian's face. What is skin tone like? What is the shape of his face? Thick or thin eyebrows? Long or stubby eyelashes?) In contrast to his smile Sebastian normally looks like kind of a mess, mostly wearing jeans and a variety of plain solid colored shirts matched with a corresponding and matching hat in the snapback style. His hair could stand to be cut, his wispy blonde facial hair could stand to be shaved but the boy often waves off suggestions with a smile. (This part about his hair should be in the previous paragraph. How much facial hair does he have? Where is it located? Also, this sentence is a comma splice.) A boy of two sides--an athletic physique and a clumsy demeanor, plain features and loud clothes (missing some kind of punctuation here) Sebastian's looks are about as non-committal as his personality. (In what way is his personality non-committal and how does his wardrobe reflect that? He's described as a mess, but that doesn't signify non-committal, especially in light of the fact that he appears to color-coordinate his cap with his outfit. What colors show up frequently in his wardrobe? Does he wear muted earth tones or bright pastels? ) On the day of the abduction he was seen wearing a forest green t-shirt, a vintage Seattle Supersonic's snapback, cargo shorts, a brand new pair of checkered vans (Vans; this is a proper noun since it is a name brand.) sneakers, and Biography: The only born child to Taylor and Tammy Church, a pair of upper middle class suburbanites that appear average but have a healthy amount of quirks. (Okay, this sentence is really awkwardly worded. You might want to go with something like 'Sebastian is the only child of Taylor and Tammy...' or 'The only child born to....' Also, I'm not sure why we're discussing the parents' quirks when the profile is about Sebastian.) While at Aurora High Taylor Church was a part of a Pixies cover band and although he never made it much farther than the high school gym he still carries with him a sort of rock star air and attitude that makes him a favorite among his dentistry patients.Tammy (You are missing a space here. And the sentence about the father needs some punctuation, I think. There should probably be a few commas there.) Church is a homemaker and tireless mother, a contrast and balance to Taylor with her overall political correctness and attachment to more traditional family values. Sebastian has always taken in the lessons of both his parents completely (What lessons are these? I only see the mom providing lessons.) and his parents also encouraged him to see both sides of any issue and to find value even in disagreement. As said earlier this could have contributed to a somewhat indecisive youth but the childhood of Sebastian Church was both enriching and varied, his father always quick to show him the arts and entertainment, his mother always to encourage athletics and education. (You have some comma splices here. In what way did each parent do this? Please provide examples.) Sebastian showed to be a child who was eager to take in any sort of information he could and chase any dream that came his way. Karate class was attended for a few weeks, Boy Scouts for another two, Go-Kart racing, roller blading, (rollerblading) paintball, a variety of card games, model air planes, and by the time the child was twelve his room seemed to be a graveyard for hobbies committed to with much vigor and discarded with equal apathy. (This is a run-on sentence.) When he was twelve and beginning to grow taller than the other boys he discovered his first real love and that was basketball. He had a real talent for the game, dominating after school black court matches and even getting recruited to a youth basketball league. (Who was he playing with? Is this a community league or a traveling competitive team? Are his parents paying for him to play? Who recruited him and where did they see him? Since this is one of his listed hobbies, I need a lot more information. What was it about basketball that Sebastian enjoyed and why did he stick with it longer than his previous hobbies? What is his skill level? How often does he play and for how long?) His parents, as per usual, were extremely supportive of their child and he remained a big player on his middle school team that even made it to the semi-finals in the county tournament with Sebastian as lead rebounder and a top scorer on the team. (Wait, when did he begin middle school basketball? All that's been mentioned is him getting recruited to play in a youth league.) In high school it seemed that he would continue to be dedicated to basketball but when he was regulated to junior varsity and forced to play against bigger, better athletes Sebastian began to feel frustrated. He didn't quit his freshman year, but a mediocre season as a team and a horrible season personally made his decision to quit his Sophomore (do not capitalize) year unsurprising. (Actually, this is surprising since you previously said basketball was his first real love.) He began to focus more on academics and although not of particularly high intelligence he proved to be more than capable of maintaining a B average with a moderate amount of effort. Sebastian began to embrace more of a rebel image reading Bukowski and Palahniuk along with listening to aggressive west hip-hop music creating another duality within the boys (boy’s) developing insight. (Okay, this needs a lot more detail. First off, this is the lone mention of his literature interest. I need to know a lot more about that in much greater detail like what it is about those two authors is appealing to him. What are his favorites of their works and why? Also, please define what you are calling aggressive West hip-hop music by citing some of Sebastian’s favorite artists and songs. What is it about this music that appeals to him? How did he get introduced to it? What is this duality you mention? Please elaborate on both the first and second sets of insight so we can see how Sebastian has evolved.) His whole demeanor changed from jock to artist (In what way? What changed about him and how has it changed?) has (as) quickly as he had changed hobbies throughout his life--though he could never give up on basketball completely. He still loved the game and watched it constantly along with playing informal pick up (I think this is a compound word or hyphenated word) games occasionally but it was clear that Church viewed one as a game and the other as a lifestyle. (Huh? What was viewed as a game and what was viewed as a lifestyle? Please clarify this statement.) Coincidentally his new growing love in music paired with a revolution of social media, he became almost as obsessed with hip-hop music and these new ways of sharing it allowed him access to artists and songs he would've never dreamed of listening too (to). First he became interested in simply listening to the newest, then he became interested in learning about the culture, reaching out to other artists and finally turned to making his own. (I’d like to know specifically which social media sites he’s using, how frequently he’s using them, what type of content he’s posting on them and to whom, and WHEN he started using them. There are not a lot of concrete years or ages to help handlers establish Sebastian’s personal timeline.) His father was happy to allow his son to chase his own failed dreams in music, investing a decent amount of money into a home music studio where Sebastian began to spend nearly all of his time within dedicating to his new passion. (This is awkwardly worded since it makes it unclear who has the failed dreams.) His music like most of his previous tasks lacked a clear vision though he carried a base 'amount of talent. He recently released a (an) eight song mixtape (do you mean demo CD?) entitled "I'm Tryin' to go to Church" too (to) little fanfare either at school or his religiously maintained but rarely frequented blog. (Has Sebastian ever performed in public? If so, where and how did it go? If not, why not? Does he even attempt to get gigs at venues?) Socially Sebastian isn't necessarily awkward but he is far from a social butterfly, he is often stuck within his own mind and relayed to his own interests. (Comma splice) He isn't much of a partier finding more value in drunken wisdom than drunken hooliganism. (I’m sorry. I don’t understand what this means or represents. Please clarify this statement.) Sebastian is constantly romanticizing his situation casting his own life as some bizarre Bukowski-Rock documentary missing both the natural disregard to social order and charisma a true rock star would possess. (Do you mean Bukowski the writer or Bukowski the French musician? In what way is he romanticizing his situation? What do you mean by a ‘true rock star’? According to what established requirements is Sebastian falling short? What social order are you referencing? Why has his father not attempted to help his son rectify this so that the son can attain greater success?) Sebastian does not place value in the relationships he makes in high school, dismissing them with the notion that he is destined for far greater things than the halls of Aurora--he is a big dreamer but seems to focus only on his dreams. He does have a small group of friends, a group of younger high school students who look up to him as some sort of musical guru. (If he doesn’t value these people, why are these people his friends? Why do they see him as a musical guru if he has had no success? Also, the fact that Sebastian doesn't value relationships or people is something of a red flag, indicating that perhaps he's starting to swing into the direction of a Pre-Made Player, or a character who will have very little trouble embracing the ideals of the game once on the island. Pre-Made Players are not acceptable characters for v5. I suggest rewording or reworking that section of the biography.) Throughout his life his shifting interests have left him with very few strong connections, people know his face, remember his name, but memories rarely extend beyond a conversation at lunch or in the classroom. (You’re God Modding since you are basically dictating how other handlers should react to Sebastian, which is unacceptable. Try rephrasing this.) Sebastian while not combative is rarely inviting and finds relating too (to) or understanding others while not difficult to be completely useless--Sebastian is dedicated to being an individual to a fault. (This is starting to sound really Pre-Made Playerish for reasons previously outlined.) In recent days Sebastian could be seen expressing great happiness that high school is finally ending, he remained mostly detached from the whole process of Prom and graduation but he did allow himself to get excited for the school trip--after all it wasn't every day you received a chance to go to Disney world. (Tonally off. This is too informal. The profile should read as it was written by a bored omniscient professional-level terrorist who should have no giddy opinion about Disneyland themselves.) (Only a cursory mention of his relationship with his parents, especially the mother, and nothing is discussed in current terms. The last mention of them was several years prior, when the father bought Sebastian a recording studio. The mother was last mentioned in late elementary or junior high. These need to be fleshed out in greater detail. There is no discussion of how Sebastian is currently doing in school, what his favorite and least favorite subjects are, his current GPA as a senior, and no mention or discussion of post-graduation plans for himself. Is he going to college? If so, where and with what major in mind? Is he joining the work force? Joining the military? Peace Corp? Taking a year off to backpack somewhere? I need you to tell me.) Advantages: Moderately athletic, (Last mention of Sebastian doing anything remotely athletic was during the middle of sophomore year, when he quit the basketball team. In what way is he significantly more fit than other enough for this to be an advantage?) moderately intelligent, it could be said that Sebastian is possessive of all tools needed to succeed on the island. He is a calm, rational thinker with the ability to learn and adapt quickly to a variety of situations. (This was never discussed anywhere in the biography portion of the profile. Advantages and disadvantages sections are for quick reference of information that has been addressed in much greater depth and detail in the biography proper. Either add a least a paragraph's worth of information about this advantage or remove it.) Lack of true social connections goes both ways possibly removing the potential of pre-island relationships with negative implications. (I think what you're trying to tell me is that Sebastian's lack of friends will help him because he will be okay with killing his classmates. I'm not sure, so I need you to clarify what you mean in simpler language, please. Also, an ability to kill without compunction/hesitation/negative feelings is not an acceptable advantage because that is firmly in Pre-Made Player territory.) Disadvantages: Jack of all trade but master of none, the perpetual B student allows his grade point average to define his talent. (What does this have to do with survival?) A complete lack of combat experience (This is normal, not a disadvantage.) and very few potential allies with a mentality conducive to creating more. Unused to dealing with pressure or adversity and lacking a certain degree of killer instinct or drive, it's hard to say that he has the mental build to truly go far in the game. (Again, not a disadvantage.) Okay, that should do it for now. Once you have made all the necessary edits to the profile, drop a reply to this thread, and I will give Sebastian another going-over. |
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Version 5
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| Rattlesnake | Apr 7 2013, 12:21 AM Post #3 |
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Now you may be wondering, who was wearing the bolo tie? Me or the shark? Answer: YES!
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff. |
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VeeFive V4 NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE. | |
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3:57 AM Jul 11