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Saerne Cunningham; Attempt #1
Topic Started: Feb 3 2013, 05:21 PM (849 Views)
Frodo3332
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Name: Saerne Cunningham
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High school
Hobbies and Interests: Video games, soccer, basketball, listening to music, goes to a political debating club, amateur kick boxer, book club, biology and chemistry.

Appearance: Saerne is: 6'4" tall, he weighs 180 pounds has a wiry build and also he is naturally pale due to his Scottish and Norwegian descent as well as him rarely leaving his house. Big, bright blue eyes that hide behind his straight, dark blonde hair which falls along his back. A dark brown mole on his chin and next to his right eye, to his left eye a scar a little more than an inch long that has been with him since birth. A small mouth full of straight, slightly yellow tinted teeth, a distinct birth mark at the bottom of his left foot. And a small, not sticking up too much, nose.

Saerne wears black or very dark-coloured T-shirts, loose jeans or dark coloured combats to go along with his everyday attire but not jeans loose enough to need a belt nor to be able to easily be pulled down, only so it is just right. A grey hoodie for when it is chilly and a thick black coat and gloves for when it is cold. To go with this all he wears a pair of black converse shoes, or big black doctor martin boots depending on the terrain he was expecting to go on. When he was abducted he was wearing his converse shoes, dark woodland camouflaged combats, a T-shirt with a red anarchist's symbol on it and his grey hoodie.

Biography: Saerne Cunningham was born in 1995 in Leyton, East London, his parents being James and Shauna Cunningham. His father originated from Ayrshire in the west lowlands of Scotland and his mother is half Irish, half Norwegian having being brought up in East London. At an early age, Saerne was a very bright, quick thinking kid, despite his shyness. He used his older brother, Brodie to speak on his behalf for his first 3-4 years and was quick to learn things a lot faster than the average child. He went on, being educated in Churchmead primary school, he may have not been good with socialising with others to start with but he was friendly so most befriended him.

At school he quickly grasped the knowledge he needed for the top grades yet at home he would play video games with his brother, not doing much apart from that. During the school holidays, if Saerne and his family did not go on vacation, they would visit their relatives in Scotland which seemed rather dismal for Saerne as he disliked going to church and being lectured about God by his aunts. Primary school passed, now half way into his third year of secondary school in year 9, he was 13 years old. Now this was where he had an option to pick the subjects he would like to do. Triple science, history and French. Language technically being compulsory if we were to get into a decent college but history and the sciences is what he loved and excelled at. Especially Biology, not so much chemistry as he hated his teacher because of her awful teaching and physics was basically general knowledge apart from radiation.

Some evenings Saerne would either walk down to the marshes studying the wildlife or stay at home playing video games with his friends. Saerne's parents felt that he was wasting a lot of time with his science and was getting stressed more often so he was advised to get out of the house more and exercise. A fitness regime of kick-boxing, playing soccer every day after school for an hour or basketball was introduced. Saerne went ahead with this advice to nullify any stresses of school, this being bullies or disliked teachers.

By this time Saerne had developed an interest and eventually a belief in Anarchism and Atheism. He thinks that anyone who makes the rules is only trying to limit his abilities and his freedom, he is very proud with how well he argues this point. Saerne was always a friendly person, he rarely lied and was very good at making friends by this stage in his life, although he hates generally mean/evil people (an example being bullies) and would kindly fight in the defence of others or himself if he deemed the one starting the fight had no reason to. So over all he could handle himself at school very well but he hardly got into any fights as his reasoning usually defused the situation.

During Saerne's last year in secondary school a competition arose that not many people were interested in. The competition was to collect, identify, to take pictures of as many different insects in your local area and then to name them. The reward was a four month trip to Seattle in order to study the wildlife, the trip would be funded by donations and by group of biologists already studying the area but because of this only one student would be able to go. Saerne and 3 other people in Saerne's school applied for it but the competition ended quickly with Saerne's victory after 2 of the other people dropped out and the other clearly losing having giving very little effort into the competition.

Advantages: Saerne is an amateur at kick-boxing, he is diplomatic, he is a very fast learner and has a very high knowledge about common plants and animals in the UK.
Disadvantages: Saerne can get stressed easily if not pre-occupied.



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Ruggahissy
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Ohhhhhh for once I get to say hello first. Hello!

Before we give Saerne a full critique, please be sure his profile conforms exactly to the template. Specifically, please be sure to get the correct bolding and spacing for the sections (no space between sections like name and gender and no space between advantages and disadvantages). Post when you've got that done, and we'll give him a looking over. Thanks!
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Frodo3332
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I have put the subtitles in bold and have got rid of the unwanted spaces as requested.
Edited by Frodo3332, Feb 4 2013, 06:08 PM.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Hey there Frodo, welcome to SotF, I'm MK Kilmarnock. I'm one of the moderators on this site, and I'm gonna be the guy you deal with in order to get Saerne approved. Which, as of this moment, he's not. Saerne is DENIED pending some extensive edits, which I will detail below. My comments are in orange.

Name: Saerne Cunningham I can't find anything on this name other than screennames or usernames. Can you tell me about its origins?
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High school
Hobbies and Interests: Video games (Mainly RTS), football (soccer), listening to music (Metal), goes to a political debating club, amateur kick boxer, sci-fi and fantasy book clubs, privately studies biology and chemistry. I don't need paranthetical citations in this section. Video games is fine by itself, as is listening to music. Just refer to it as soccer to avoid confusion. Aurora doesn't really have a 'political debating club', it's a debate team. Same goes for sci-fi and fantasy book clubs; they have a catch-all book club. Biology and chemistry are fine, but you can take out the 'privately studies'. This is a simple, itemized list that gives us a very short summary of what we should see in the profile.

Appearance: 6'4" tall, he weighs 140 pounds, has a wiry build and has broad shoulders. First, not a complete sentence. From Appearances onward, everything must be a complete sentence. Second, that is not a wiry build. That is emaciated. For a 6'4" male to be at what is considered a healthy weight, he would need to be at least in the realm of 160, up to an ideal of 190-200 pounds. He is naturally pale due to his Scottish and Norwegian decent descent, well, to add on to him rarely leaving
his house. Too informal. You want something like '...due to his Scottish and Norweigian descent, as well as him rarely leaving his house.' Speaking of rarely leaving his house, he DOES go to school, right? I know you meant 'spend time in the sun' and that sort of thing, but you have to be careful with what you say. Big, bright blue eyes that hide behind his straight, dark blonde hair which trails along all the way to the bottom of his back. What about big, bright blue eyes? Again, complete sentences. His blond hair also doesn't trail down to the bottom of his back, though it may hang there. The way you've got it written right now, I'm thinking less 'really long hair' and more 'he's got a trail of hair that runs down his back?' A dark brown mole on his chin and next to his
right eye, to his left eye a scar a little more than an inch long that has been with him since birth. Again, complete sentences. It's as simple as saying 'he has' at the beginning in some cases. I'll stop making these reminders, but be sure to go through and make everything a complete sentence. A small mouth full of straight, slightly yellow tinted teeth, a distinct birth mark at the bottom
of his left foot. And a small, not sticking up too much, nose. He has muscular legs and arms due to a recent fitness regime yet he's not used to it. Just about every sentence is reading strangely to me. It's a mess of commas that eschew conjunctions, conjunctions starting a sentence (usually a big no-no in proper writing, usually only something fitting in dialogue), and even a lack of commas in a few places.

Saerne wears black or very dark coloured try hyphenating this, so 'dark-coloured' T-shirts, rarely seen with a logo or symbol on it unless it is what he feels represents his opinions or interests. Then it's probably not all that rare, is it? Loose jeans or dark coloured combats
to go along with his every day attire but not jeans loose enough to need a belt nor to be able to easily be pulled down, only so it is just right. A grey hoodie for when it is chilly and a
thick black coat and gloves for when it is cold. And to go with this all, a pair of black converse shoes, or big black doctor martin boots depending on the terrain he was expecting to go on.
Never has his appearance changed since he was able to dress himself. I'm sure it has, actually. Unless his interests have never changed since childhood and he's always had the same shoes, they have to have changed. Just omit this sentence. Unluckily for him, when he was abducted he was wearing his converse shoes, dark woodland camouflaged combats, a T-shirt with a red anarchist's symbol on it and his grey hoodie. I don't recall anarchy being one of his interests, but I have a feeling we'll be taking a look at that soon enough. Also, remove the 'unluckily for him'. Too informal.

As a whole, the appearances section is a mess. It needs severe help with grammar to the point that the only way I could rectify every single mistake would just to be rewriting the whole thing, something I'm not allowed to do. I suggest you ask somebody to proofread not just this section, but the entire profile.

Biography: Saerne Cunningham was born in 1996 Really? Even assuming he was born January 1st, being born in 1996 would make him at most 16 in 2012, when the game takes place. Since being a 16 year-old high school senior is rather difficult to achieve without skipping a grade, you probably just want him born in 1995 in Leyton, east London East London, His his parents being James and Shauna Cunningham. His father originating from Ayrshire in the west lowlands of Scotland and his mother being half Irish, half Norwegian and was brought up in east London. This sentence is grammatically incorrect. Since I'm not really sure how to describe just what's wrong with it in this particular case, I will break and re-write this entire sentence. You would want something like: "His father originated from Ayrshire in the west lowlands of Scotland and his mother is half-Irish, half-Norwegian, having been brought up in East London." At an early age, Saerne was a very bright, quick thinking kid, despite his shyness. Well, the two aren't exactly mutually exclusive. He used his older brother, Brodie to speak on his behalf for his first 3-4 years and was quick to learn things, unnecessary comma a lot faster than the average child. But little did any of his relatives know his problem, he was unique not only for his advanced, early intellect but a problem which his grand-mother and his great grand-mother had had before him. The 'little did they know' part is too theatric and, again, informal. For a profile, you want a more documentary-style description of somebody's life. I would suggest taking a look at just about any other approved profile, as it would have and still will save you plenty of time avoiding easily-circumnavigated errors.

This being a form of Schizophrenia, signs of this appear in the form of hallucinations and hearing voices, these things especially appear when he gets stressed. This is a really shallow depiction of schizophrenia. It's honestly along the same lines as saying that having Tourettes is all about non-stop swearing. He went on, being educated in church mead primary school, he may have not been good with socialising with others but he was friendly and most befriended him. What is a church mead primary school? This is a run-on sentence that conjoins two barely related ideas. Top of his class, year in year out, time passed and nothing important had happened, nothing that would have had a major effect on his modern self. This is also hardly a sentence. In addition, we begin to run into problems with Saerne being at the top of his class. If he is truly at the top 'year in and year out', what you're doing is passively GMing once he's in high school. At that point, you are saying that all other students in Aurora get worse grades than him, and to force a hand like that is not okay. At home he would play video games with his brother, not doing much a part apart from that. Primary school passed, now half way into his third year of secondary school in year 9, he was 13 years old. Now this was where he had an option to pick the subjects he would like to do. Triple science, history and French. Language technically being compulsory if we were to get into a decent college but history and the sciences is what he loved and excelled at. By this point, you probably don't need me to tell you what's wrong here... and yet, I'll tell you anyway. Complete sentences are, of course, always a must. Also don't go into first person in the profile. Especially Biology, not so much chemistry as he hated his teacher because of her awful teaching and physics was basically general knowledge apart from radiation.

A small, home-made laboratory in his large and dusty attic. Uh... what about it? Making alcohol in one corner and explosives in the next. What? By this time in Saerne's life he could finally make up his mind on what he would believe in, this being that he is an atheist and an anarchist, both of which are self-explanatory for the fact that he hates any type of control or authority. HUH!? He thinks that anyone who makes the rules is only trying to limit his abilities and his freedom, he is very proud with how well he argues this point. "I hate authority! I'mma blow things up!" Is that his argument? To add to this he also started to listen to metal, this being a mix of Slayer, Ministry and Metallica. The atheist-anarchist opera, I'm sure. An interest in metal is fine, but I hate how this is supposed to tie into his other interests as though the two go hand in hand. I love listening to Judas Priest but I'm not going to blow the hell out of the 7/11 next door. Of a week-end he would go out with his friends to the marshes to test his explosives and moonshine, both of which worked perfectly, sometimes the police would be called about this disturbance as there were houses on the edge of the marsh but Saerne never got caught, he was too fast for them. That saying one or two of his friends were caught once but managed to get themselves out of it. No. Temporarily ignoring the fact that this explosives business is completely ludicrous, the police would not be so inept as to fail to catch a bunch of schoolchildren playing with explosives on repeat offenses. This means ALL of them, not just one or two expendable faceless 'friend' characters that somehow 'got out of it' when what they were doing was highly illegal, dangerous and potentially deadly.

Now the beginning of year eleven the day before he started the new year. Five steps out of bed, a noise like no other, a mix of growling and hissing and choking on something all rolled into one. Sounds like my roommate on an early morning. GET IT? Faces arise from the darkness, staring him in the eyes, inches away from his face. He feels as if he cannot move properly yet he does. The schizophrenia is really starting to distort his reality, slowly altering his personality, eating away at his sanity. He carries on, as if nothing has happened. This entire section can just go away. No, really, it can go away. There's no excuse for anything like I've just read to be in any profile on this site ever. Saerne has a close relationship with his parents, he tell them and they immediately take him to a psychologist. The psychologist says that it there is a chance of it being schizophrenia but is still unsure as there needs to be more signs of it. As the months go by these hallucinations get more and more vivid as well as frequent and now he is hearing voices. Apparently the psychologist cannot diagnose him with schizophrenia until he is 18. It has become increasingly obvious that you've done little in the way of research on how schizophrenia actually works, and I'm going to ask that you excise it from the character entirely. Still obsessed with science he is advised to get out of the house more and exercise, a fitness regime of kick-boxing, playing football (soccer) every day after school for an hour or basketball was introduced. Yes, let's teach the troubled, possibly schizophrenic kid a martial art. Saerne was always a friendly person, he rarely lied and is very good at making friends by this stage in his life. Although he hates generally mean/evil people (an example being bullies) and would kindly fight in the defence of others or himself if he deemed the one starting the fight had no reason to. So over all he could handle himself at school very well.

Saerne's parents decided to move with them to the Seattle after Saerne finished his exams because of the lack of jobs within Britain. They decided to move across the Atlantic (and to the far side of the United States, at that) due to a 'lack of jobs' in Britain? Not only do I not buy a lack of jobs in Britain for just about any occupation, I don't believe that Saerne's family would bother moving so incredibly far to find work. At the very least, you haven't justified it properly, and it comes across as a weak way to slip the character into the proper setting at literally the LAST year of his schooling. So by this time Saerne moved up to twelfth grade after joining Aurora high school. In his spare time Saerne decided to carry on making his explosives and instead of alcohols he moved on to make poisons with easily obtainable items, an example being Fly agaric or leeches. This whole area is another problem that I'd rather just see excised from the profile. It's pointless, very much 'out there' and hard to swallow from any standpoint bathed in realism. As he went on to make new poisons (only as a hobby, he was not planning anything) "No no no, I just like making implements of death and mayhem. You know, in case one day I ever end up on an island where I have to kill my classmates. Crazy, right?" he decided to test them by going on a hunting trip his friend was so eager to go on. I don't care how friendly Saerne is, I worry about those who would befriend somebody this troubled. His prototype, an explosive made with an extremely reactive alkaline metal and water, I'm not really sure how easily this all counts as 'easily obtainable'. If you're reciting recipes from the Anarchist Cookbook at this point, I should probably let you know that many of the recipes in that book do not work, and many of them are so unstable that I'm curious as to how Saerne still has both hands, both eyes, and a pulse made in the same way as a hand grenade and to add to that the shrapnel that is to be put into the grenade is covered in a poison made from fly agaric, a leech and some other ingredients so that when the shrapnel would hit someone they would bleed for an excess amount of time and start to hallucinate. Sadly for Saerne he was kidnapped before he could go on this hunting trip, before he could improve his work with something like a timer or a trip wire (despite the fact that both of them would not take long for Saerne at all). I'm just... going to save any further thoughts until the end, as far as the bio is concerned.

Advantages: Can make poisons and explosives with very little/common materials, Amateur at kick-boxing, he is a very fast learner and has a very high knowledge about plants/animals and general strategy. Advantages need to be complete sentences just like the rest of the profile. Also, while I'm asking for poisons and explosives to be removed from this profile entirely, I'm going to suggest that you have a very permissible advantage in what you've described as Saerne's ease of making friends, offering him potential allies.
Disadvantages: There is a high possibility that if he gets extremely stressed he will hallucinate and may do something in response to it and because of this he gets very paranoid at times, This sounds less like a disadvantage and more like an excuse to kill somebody with little to no provocation to add to this he has had no experience with an actual gun only having used BB and paint-ball guns in the past. No experience with a BB or paintball gun is listed in the profile. Also, a lack of experience with firearms is not an admissible disadvantage, as many students would not have this same experience. The fact that Saerne has never used a gun is not a disadvantage because it only levels the playing field. Conversely, experience with a firearm is a HUGE leg up.

Okay, so, Saerne needs lots, and lots, and LOTS of work. What I'm seeing right now is not really much of a character but a 'build'. Everything about Saerne contributes to him being an unstoppable killing machine, no less, no more. His poorly researched mental illness serves as a catalyst to let the killing start early, and his martial arts training, contrived skills in explosives and poisons only serve to keep it going. He has no personality outside of 'he is friendly', and that directly ties to what SHOULD be his only other real advantage at this point.

You throw things like 'good at strategy' at me. This is probably the advantage I see the most in profiles submitted by new handlers. Trust me, this is nothing new. I've seen plenty of characters who get good grades, and this somehow translates to being a genius combat tactician and Batman-ing your way out of just about any situation. I am going to be the bearer of bad news in saying no, that is not how it works. Just because he's good at history or chemistry (which I don't particularly mind, those are fine subjects) doesn't mean he's suddenly making bombs and emulating the battle tactics of Sun Tzu.

Another trait that seems to construct a born killer is Saerne's recent arrival to Seattle, and to Aurora high. I've already mentioned just what is wrong with the logic behind the family's move from East London to Seattle, which comes out of absolutely nowhere and is preposterous in every sense of the word. Aside from that, the only reasons that this move even seems to exist are to place Saerne in the right place at the wrong time for the abduction, and that he can't be native as to give himself a lack of connection to his peers to ease the killing.

He is, in short, what we here at SotF like to call a 'pre-made player'. A 'player' is, in our terms, somebody who is going to play the game, i.e. cooperate with the terrorist's wishes and kill his or her classmates. Not only do I see Saerne willingly doing this almost immediately, I see him doing it with advantages and knowledge no high school child should have.

We are looking for normal high school children who are subsequently warped by the game, not psychos who enter it looking for a good time. In light of this, I offer you a few suggestions that should go towards the extensive rewrites that will have to go into Saerne if we are to salvage him as a character.

You seem to want to write a personable, intelligent character. This is fine. Have him be open to making new friends, though he was apparently shy as a child and there must be some transition between the two stages. You told me what classes he's interested in. This is also good.

I want to hear more about family life. You want to know what I know about Saerne's family? He has a father, mother, and a brother. I know the nationality of the parents. I know he plays video games with his brother. ... That's about it. This profile is about Saerne and not his family, of course, but how much does he confide in them? What do they feel about his development, his hopes or his dreams? You can talk about them, just so long as everything ties back to Saerne.

Think about what's really necessary to the character. I will say this right now: If you think removing the schizophrenia or the kickboxing or the explosives/poisons knowledge will take away everything about Saerne that you wanted to write, then scrap the entire character and start again, because no character should be dictated that much by something like that.

The grammar and sentence structure need a complete rewrite, as I've said time and time again.

The weird spacing in the appearances section, where you seem to abuse the enter key, need to be fixed. They should read as smooth, flowing paragraphs.

So, there's a lot to do, but I believe we can pull something good out of Saerne. Good luck!
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Frodo3332
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Well I think all I need to do now is to check over the grammar making sure that there is not too many spaces or commas and that it reads OK and it should be fine.
So long as my edits were correct. I have got rid of everything that makes my character over-powered that being the poisons and explosives and I have got rid of the schizophrenia.
And to add to that it should be more believable.
Edited by Frodo3332, Feb 17 2013, 10:22 PM.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Hi, Frodo. While I see that you've worked very hard and made lots of improvements to Saerne, he is still DENIED pending some changes that I will explain below.

Name: Saerne Cunningham
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High school
Hobbies and Interests: Video games,soccer, there needs to be a space between these two listening to music, goes to a political debating club, amateur kick boxer, book club, studies biology and chemistry. Keep in mind that all hobbies and interests must be mentioned in the bio. Listening to music, debate and book club are hardly mentioned. Meanwhile, basketball is absent from this section. As a final note, remove the word 'studies' from the last items on the list.

Appearance: 6'4" tall, he weighs 180 pounds has a wiry build and also he is naturally pale due to his Scottish and Norwegian descent as well as him rarely leaving his house. This is a run on sentence. Big, bright blue eyes that hide behind his straight, dark blonde hair which falls along his back. Everything needs to be in complete sentences. A dark brown mole on his chin and next to his right eye, to his left eye a scar a little more than an inch long that has been with him since birth. This is also not a complete sentence. Also if the scar has been with him since birth, how exactly did he get it? A small mouth full of straight, slightly yellow tinted teeth, a distinct birth mark at the bottom of his left foot. Not a complete sentence. And a small, not sticking up too much, nose. Another one. He has muscular legs and arms due to a recent fitness regime yet he's not used to it. This one actually IS a complete sentence in that it has a formed subject and predicate, though still not grammatically correct. First, there should be a comma between regime and yet; this would make the sentence completely correct from a grammatical standpoint. I want to address two things though. First, how could he already have muscular arms and legs due to a fitness regime that he's somehow not used to (my point being that if he's been at it long enough to give him those results, he should be used to whatever the fitness regime is)? Second, if his arms are truly muscular along with his legs, would he really have a 'wiry' build and be only 180 pounds?

Saerne wears black or very dark-coloured T-shirts, Loose this should not be capitalized jeans or dark coloured combats to go along with his every day everyday attire but not jeans loose enough to need a belt nor to be able to easily be pulled down, only so it is just right. A grey hoodie for when it is chilly and a thick black coat and gloves for when it is cold. Not a complete sentence And to go with this all, a pair of black converse shoes, or big black doctor martin boots depending on the terrain he was expecting to go on. Believe it or not, also not a complete sentence. This one in particular can be fixed by removing the 'And', subsequently capitalizing 'to', and adding 'he wears' before 'a pair of...' When he was abducted he was wearing his converse shoes, dark woodland camouflaged combats, a T-shirt with a red anarchist's symbol on it and his grey hoodie. A good example of what all the sentences should be like, as it is complete.

Biography: Saerne Cunningham was born in 1995 in Leyton, East London, his parents being James and Shauna Cunningham. His father originated from Ayrshire in the west lowlands of Scotland and his mother is half Irish, half Norwegian having being brought up in East London. At an early age, Saerne was a very bright, quick thinking kid, despite his shyness. Again, I'm not really sure why these two things are mentioned together. Being smart and being shy or outgoing are fairly unrelated, and neither is particularly exclusive to the other. This is a note I made last time. He used his older brother, Brodie to speak on his behalf for his first 3-4 years I'm going to say this is fair grounds to say that the two have a close relationship. On a curious note, why did Saerne use Brodie to speak on his behalf? Just because he was shy? Did he do this to everybody, parents included? He couldn't have been shy around his own parents and was quick to learn things a lot faster than the average child. What kind of things? He went on, 'He went on' seems like a really odd clause to have separated here. It doesn't really mean anything being educated in Churchmead primary school, is this what his elementary school was called? You never really answered this question. I want to assume that 'Churchmead primary school' is the name of the school and thus a proper noun. If this is true, please capitalize both 'primary' and 'school' he may have not been good with socialising with others to start with but he was friendly so most befriended him. This can be its own sentence.

At school he quickly grasped the knowledge he needed for the top grades yet at home he would play video games with his brother, not doing much a part apart from that.Now needs to be a space before 'Now' and again in 'during' is a better word choice' the school holidays good place for a comma if Saerne and his family did not go on vacation comma herethey would visit their relatives in Scotland which seemed rather dismal for Saerne as he disliked going to church and being lectured about God by his aunts. Now that I think of it, that was a really, REALLY long sentence. Perhaps you could break that up? Primary school passed, now half way into his third year of secondary school in year 9, he was 13 years old. Now this was where he had an option to pick the subjects he would like to do. Triple science, history and French. Language technically being compulsory if we were to get into a decent college but history and the sciences is what he loved and excelled at. Especially Biology, not so much chemistry as he hated his teacher because of her awful teaching and physics was basically general knowledge apart from radiation. Nearly every single one of these sentences is not complete. Some of the sentences could make do with expansion (like including an actual subject/predicate/whatever), and some of the sentences would work a little better. What your writing comes off as is 'Saerne did something as an example. Which was split up like this.' This is wrong. Sometimes you just want to press clauses together to complete an actual idea, like 'Saerne did something as an example, which was split up like this.' If you're afraid of making run-on sentences, don't panic for the time being. Those are far, far easier to fix than mountains of sentence fragments. We can get rid of run-ons later.

As of an evening 'As of an evening?' This phrase makes absolutely no sense to me. 'Some evenings' would work better Saerne would either walk down to the marshes studying the wildlife or stay at home playing video games with his friends. Saerne's parents felt that he was wasting a lot of time with his science Wasting time with a scholastic or academic passion? ... What? and was getting stressed more often so he is was advised to get out of the house more and exercise, I'm just going to say that you want a sentence break here. The next line, as a sentence, would actually work by itself with a little rewriting: "A fitness regime of kick-boxing and playing soccer or basketball for an hour every day after school was introduced" a fitness regime of kick-boxing, playing soccer every day after school for an hour or basketball was introduced. Saerne goes went. Keep events that happened in the past in past tense ahead with this advice to nullify any stresses of school, this being bullies or disliked teachers.

By this time in remove the 'in' Saerne had developed an interest and eventually a belief in Anarchism and Atheism which both go hand-in-hand if used in particular debates. The 'which both go hand-in-hand' part can be removed. Also, why did he suddenly develop an interest in both concepts? What led to this? He thinks that anyone who makes the rules is only trying to limit his abilities and his freedom, he is very proud with how well he argues this point. Saerne was always a friendly person, he rarely lied and is was very good at making friends by this stage in his life. join these two sentences here Although he hates generally mean/evil people (an example being bullies) and would kindly fight in the defence of others or himself if he deemed the one starting the fight had no reason to. So over all he could handle himself at school very well but he hardly got into any fights as his reasoning usually defused the situation.

During Saerne's last year in secondary school comma a competition arose that not many people were interested in. You don't need to tell us how many people were interested. Saerne could still win the contest. The competition was to collectcomma identifyOxford comma and take pictures of as many different insects in your local area and name them. The reward was a four month trip to Seattle in order to study the wildlife (Obviously being in the last year of school you would have to carry on studying your other subjects, missing months of school would not be allowed). No parenthetical citations. You can find ways of clarifying this as a study-abroad program without using parentheses, at least from a grammatical standpoint. From a content standpoint, I'm really skeptical as to the nature of this contest and the fact that it would really exist. Can you find me evidence of contests like this happening? The trip would be funded by donations and by group of biologists already studying the area but because of this only one student would be able to go. Saerne and 3 other people in Saerne's school applied for it but the competition ended quickly with Saerne's victory after 2 of the other people dropped out and the other clearly losing having giving very little effort into the competition.

The profile seems to end abruptly. We are now missing a huuuuuuuuuuge section here: Searne's life in Seattle. I want to know how he adjusts, if he makes friends here as well, if he likes the schooling, if he misses his parents, so on and so forth. There is no reason for the profile to end here.

Advantages: Saerne is an amateur at kick-boxing, he is diplomatic, he is a very fast learner and has a very high knowledge about common plants/animals. Plants and animals (write it out, don't use the dash) from the UK, that is. Unless that's where the SotF game will be taking place, and spoilers: it won't, this probably won't be that much of an advantage.
Disadvantages: Saerne is not used to hand-to-hand combat not a disadvantage and can get stressed easily if not pre-occupied. More of a sound disadvantage and was touched upon in the profile, but needs to be expanded upon. The disadvantages section is currently very bare.

Okay, you've made leaps and bounds in improving Saerne's condition, and I find that you are a large step closer to getting him approved. However, there are still a few problems in his profile. Some of these are old ones, and some of them are new. One of the oldest that hasn't been addressed is that I can find no proof of 'Saerne' existing as a real name. When I google it, I see a whole bunch of screennames or aliases attributed to it which may or may not be you, but no real person named Saerne. I would like for you to explain this or change the name.

The nature of the contest has me rather skeptical. I would like to see proof of a contest of this sort existing, since I find it unlikely that a British secondary school would send one of their students near graduation overseas to Seattle. Why Seattle in particular, while we're on that subject? It is on the far side of the country and hardly offers a bountiful array of natural life. It would seem that just about anywhere in New England (Maine, New Hampshire, Vermont, Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts) would be a better choice.

The end of the profile offers possibly the largest hole in information I'm seeking from Saerne. In addition, I'm not seeing much on how he relates to his family. It would seem that in order to rely on his brother to speak for him in earlier years, the two would have to be very close.

So, there's still a lot of work, but rest assured, you've made vast improvements over a character that, in its earliest stages, would never even be considered for the game. Saerne seems much more workable now. Keep at it.
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Spoilers, Ricky didn't win V5

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MK Kilmarnock
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.
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Spoilers, Ricky didn't win V5

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