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Kenneth Harrison; Final application
Topic Started: Jan 6 2013, 08:41 PM (387 Views)
jerk
Cannon Fodder
[ * ]
Name: Kenneth Harrison
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and interests: Muay Thai, heavy metal, playing guitar, academics, writing

Appearance: Kenneth stands at 6'3" and weighs 175 pounds, making him look skinny and gangly, though recently he has begun to fill out and develop more muscles due to taking up Muay Thai. His hair is dark blonde, greasy and shoulder-length - he has been trying to grow it long for months, but much to his frustration, it won't grow any more. Instead, it just gets messy and curls out everywhere, not helped by the fact that he rarely remembers to brush it, let alone style it. His facial hair is thin, wispy and a very light blonde, only visible in strong sunlight. He attempts to cultivate facial hair, but has had no success. His eyes are squinty and greyish-blue, and have large dark rings under them, making him look as if he hasn't slept in months. His skin is pale from spending so much time indoors, and his face is covered in spots which he can never be bothered to clean up. He has thin lips, a long, aquiline nose, a square jaw, and large, sticking-out ears.

Kenneth almost exclusively wears old T-shirts, jeans and shorts - he hates wearing new clothes, finding them uncomfortable and disliking spending his money on clothes, as he believes that fashion and personal appearance are ephemeral things that he shouldn't have to worry about. He is rarely seen without his battle jacket - his denim jacket covered in band patches.

Biography: Kenneth was born in Houston, Texas, the son of Andrew and Claire Harrison. Though not exactly rich, the family was comfortably well-off - his father worked in the oil business, and his mother worked as an accountant. He and his parents have their differences, of course - Kenneth never particularly looked up to them as role models - he is at least thankful that they took the time to raise him, and he does care about them. His sisters Emma and Rebecca (twins, two years younger than him), not so much.

From the beginning, he was doing extremely well in school. Having learned to read at a very early age, Kenneth had proceeded to devour all the books his parents bought him, and thus by the time he was in 1st grade, he was well ahead of everyone academically. He wasn't a perfect student by any means, but he breezed through school comfortably without having to work very hard, and was frequently bored in class because he was at least a grade above the material. The problem was, he didn't have a lot of friends. Not because he didn't want to make friends, but because he couldn't - he alienated them with his odd speech patterns and occasional bizarre habits. Because of this, Kenneth ended up taking refuge in academics, dedicating himself to them to try and make up for the social wasteland he'd found himself in.

Over the next few years, Kenneth's father had to move around a lot because of his job. Until Kenneth came to Aurora High School, he'd been in four different schools, and he wasn't particularly happy in any of them. He continued to slide further and one in particular, when he lived in Portland, Oregon, was an utter nightmare. The student body was rahter. The teachers were absolutely useless, having no passion whatsoever for the subjects they taught and refusing to engage the students at all. But most of all, there were four particular boys who took delight in tormenting Kenneth every way they could. He'd never forget the day when one of them pushed him off the top of the climbing frame, and he hit his head on a bar on the way down. Kenneth was in the hospital with a concussion for quite a while. The school followed up on this, naturally, and the boy was expelled, but Kenneth never forgot it. During his two years at that school, Kenneth never made one real friend.

On top of this, there were some issues in his family. His parents would clash frequently over the most minor of issues, as both of them had quite different outlooks on life - his father had a relaxed attitude towards rearing his children, while his mother was a rather uptight and strict parent who was of the opinion that children needed discipline. They constantly fought over this, always seeming on the brink of divorce but never actually following through. Moreover, there were some issues with his sisters. Once, they had idolised their brother, but as they grew and became more socially astute, they drifted apart. Emma suffered from scoliosis, and needed to wear a back brace much of the time. Kenneth was prepared to sympathise with her - after all, he saw that is was quite painful and potentially embarrassing - but he hated the way that she refused to wear it and lied to their parents about it, despite knowing the health consequences it would have if she didn't. They got into a huge argument about it, Kenneth accusing Emma of being selfish and Emma wanting him to butt out of her personal business. Rebecca, as always, stood by her twin out of a sense of loyalty, though Kenneth always suspected that she only did it through obligation.

Despite all this, he wasn't totally unhappy. Kenneth had always loved music. His father was a music lover too - he played the saxophone in a few local jazz bands, and would play Kenneth selections from his extensive collection of vinyl whenever he could. Kenneth originally learned to play piano, but in 5th grade, he traded his piano in for an electric guitar, feeling bored with the instrument he had chosen. He practiced as much as he could, and soon became excellent at it. He dedicated himself to his guitar the same way he dedicated himself to academics, or, indeed, to anything that caught his interest, whether that was Dungeons and Dragons, toy collecting or video game programming. Most of these interests came and went, but guitar and academics were the two constants in his life. He liked that - after all, all he wanted was to have something constant in his life of moving around.

So, when Kenneth moved to Aurora High School in 9th grade, his knack for making friends was more or less atrophied. He became something of a loner, never sure how to approach people or what to say to them - particularly in group situations, where he just clammed up. At first, he was unhappy with this, but gradually he came to accept his situation as a perpetual loner, knowing that there was little he could do to change it. In fact, he came to prefer it that way. After all, if he came to like someone, he'd end up having to move to another school, if his past experience was any guide.

But that still didn't help him any. The family situation was little better. His sisters were in middle school by now, and tried to distance themselves from Kenneth as much as possible. At the time, Kenneth couldn't understand why, but he later saw that they were tired of always being seen as "the weird kid's sisters", and wanted to forge their own identities, and also that they were slightly embarrassed about him. It manifested at home, with them insulting him for his oddities in a further effort to drive themselves apart from him. Bullying, as ever, was an issue - with his weak physique (Kenneth almost never did exercise, instead focusing on guitar and playing video games) and odd habits, Kenneth seemed to attract it. It was only a matter of time before Kenneth lashed out and tried to stab one of his tormentors with his beloved pencil.

He had to face the consequences, of course, and ended up going to therapy. Gradually, Kenneth began to work through some of his issues - his frustration at being unable to make friends, and the inferiority complex that had developed from being constantly told by fellow students and his sisters that he was a loser and a weirdo and a spaz. He gradually realised that he was partially to blame, never having tried to change his habits or social interaction or made the slightest effort to fit in. Gradually, he began to integrate himself into the social life of the school and rebuild bridges with his family, and while they still fought sometimes, things were generally better. He didn't think he would ever quite forgive his sisters for trying to drive him away, but he could at least see why they did what they did.

Kenneth made a few friends, and stopped being such a loner all the time. They weren't the lifetime companions that everybody else seemed to have, more of a loose aggregation of fellow freaks and geeks, but it was better than nothing. Unfortunately, this wouldn't help him get a girlfriend. By the time he reached 12th grade, he was still a virgin. Worse than that, he'd never had a proper girlfriend, or even kissed a girl. Girls, at that age, were still alien creatures to him. He knew that he shouldn't make as big an issue out of it as he did, but it still worried him - if second-hand word of mouth was anything to go by, everyone was hooking up constantly.

During this time, Kenneth was, mentored by his English teacher Mr. Collins, who encouraged him to use writing as an outlet for his frustrations and fears. He found that he enjoyed it very much, and to the despair of his teachers, he spent most of his time in class jotting down stories or thinking about riffs he was developing rather than doing work. Kenneth's grades began to slip - as he was so far ahead academically before, he'd never had to study much or even do much work, but the curriculum had caught up with his knowledge. It took him some time to adjust his brain to this new way of working, but he soon came around to it. While he wasn't the consistent A+ student he was before, and never would be, he at least got comfortable As and Bs. Despite this, he always had a lingering sense of resentment about the fact that he wasn't particularly exceptional in any way now.

Despite all this, he refused to get depressed about it, having seen from experience that getting depressed will get him nowhere. He instead chose to respond with sarcasm and a bank of sardonic quips, in order to make it seem like a trivial thing, even when it wasn't. His outlook on life could perhaps best be described by the mantra he came up with: "Life sucks. I will die. Get over it."

By 12th grade, Kenneth was relatively stable and had begun to adjust. He'd finally found his social niche, as the lead guitarist and main lyricist of local death metal band Valley of Slaughter (he had developed a passionate interest in death metal in 10th grade, enjoying the powerful sound of the music). They weren't great, and he knew it, but he loved playing with them anyway, just because he'd finally found a group of people who could share his interests, and an outlet for some of his more... colourful writing. He also began to practice Muay Thai, feeling that perhaps doing some form of exercise would give him a social outlet and that improving his fitness would be good for his self-esteem. He was finally coming into his figure, feeling less awkward and gangly than he had previously. He planned to go to an Ivy League university and study History, assuming that Valley of Slaughter never takes off (they've been rejected by 7 different record labels, but they won't give up yet). He knew he would always have some issues to work out, but he is generally hoped that his life will be good in the future.

Advantages: Kenneth has been practicing Muay Thai for one and a half years, and while he does not work out much outside of his lessons, he can still hold his own in a sparring situation. He is also fairly intelligent and well-read.
Disadvantages: While Kenneth is quite a bit stronger than he was, he still suffers from a lack of stamina, and will get tired easily. He also has a tendency to over-analyse a situation, and is hesitant about actually making a decision - he has a perpetual fear of making a snap decision that he will regret. While his theoretical knowledge is decent enough, his lack of experience in the real world could cost him, as he has always had a problem actually applying what he learns. Most crippling of all is Kenneth's lack of social skills, which could cost him dearly in the cutthroat game of alliances and relationships.
Edited by jerk, Jan 19 2013, 07:30 AM.
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BetaKnight
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Hi Jerk. Kenneth Harrison is temporarily DENIED pending revisions. While you've got a good, solid framework for the character, there are some issues that need to be fleshed out more and explained in much greater detail before Kenneth can be approved in v5. There are also some chronological issues that need to be fixed up. I'm going to go over your profile section by section in one, big critique so that we can try to get you approved and on your way as quickly as possible. Areas that need attention will be marked in yellow, and my questions/comments/concerns will be in other colors.

Appearance: Kenneth stands at 6'3" and weighs 155 pounds, making him look skinny and gangly, though recently he has begun to fill out and develop more muscles due to taking up Muay Thai. (At 6'3" and 155, Kenneth just barely makes it into the normal range of the Body-Mass Index for men. This height/weight combo reflects his bulking up a bit, which means he used to be even thinner and underweight. I need you to add a few pounds, preferably somewhere between 10 and 15 pounds, to his weight in order to put him a little further inside the normal range and to reflect his healthier status.) His hair is dark blonde, greasy and shoulder-length - he has been trying to grow it long for months, but much to his frustration, it won't grow any more. Instead, it just gets messy and curls out everywhere, not helped by the fact that he rarely remembers to brush it, let alone style it. His facial hair is thin, wispy and a very light blonde, only visible in strong sunlight. (Does he attempt to cultivate facial hair and where is it located? His upper lip? His chin? Sideburns? A neckbeard? Some combination of those?) His eyes are squinty and greyish-blue, and have large dark rings under them, making him look as if he hasn't slept in months. His skin is pale from spending so much time indoors, and his face is covered in spots which he can never be bothered to clean up. (Do you mean acne or simply some sort of dirt? If it’s acne, is it in break-out form or is it acne scarring? Please clarify.) He has thin lips and (There should be a comma here, not a conjunction) a long, aquiline nose, and large, sticking-out ears. (I’d like to see a description of the shape of Kenneth’s face, please, so that readers can better picture him.)

Kenneth almost exclusively wears old, soiled T-shirts, jeans and shorts - he hates wearing new clothes, finding them uncomfortable and disliking spending his money on clothes (he believes that fashion and personal appearance are ephemeral things that he shouldn't have to worry about). (There shouldn’t be parenthetical notations or use of quotation marks in the profile. Please remove all quotation marks and parenthesis from the profile.) You'd be hard pressed to find something in his wardrobe that isn't ripped to hell and covered in mysterious stains.

(Kenneth's wardrobe choices are problematic. His choice of clothing is going to attract attention from school staff members since heavily soiled clothing that is in poor repair is a violation of school dress code and an indicator of severe economic distress. There is nothing in the profile to allude to Kenneth's family being economically disadvantaged. Even if there wasn't a lot of money for clothes shopping, there are many thrift shops and second-hand stores in Seattle where Kenneth could purchase decent clothing at reduced prices. I strongly suggest changing this aspect of his appearance. Also, this doesn't tell me much about Kenneth's style. His clothes are in poor repair and visibly dirty, but what kind of clothing is he wearing? What is a typical outfit for Kenneth? Does he wear dress shirts, t-shirts, polos, long-sleeved shirts, or something else? What colors show up frequently in his wardrobe? Are his shirts plain, patterned, or have some other form of graphic on them? What type of pants or shorts does he wear? A description of his shoes is also required.)

He is rarely seen without an item of apparal (apparel) known to him as his battlejacket, (Please clarify this term, battlejacket, as I am totally unfamiliar with it. What makes this specific jacket a battlejacket, especially in light of the fact that it is a vest.) but known to everyone else as "that worn out denim vest with way too many patches on it". His mother takes notice, and tries to make him wear nicer clothes, but he always changes at school. (So he changes out of normal clothes into dirty, raggedy clothing? Why? This seems like it would contribute to his social problems, and is something that his therapist would address with him. Also, Kenneth is missing a "day of the abduction" outfit. I need a detailed description of the outfit Kenneth was wearing on the day the class was kidnapped.)

Biography: Kenneth was born in Houston, Texas, the son of Andrew and Claire Harrison. Though not exactly rich, the family was comfortably well-off - his father worked in the oil business, and his mother worked as an accountant. He and his parents have their differences, of course - Kenneth never particularly looked up to them as role models (What kind of differences? Why has he never looked up to them?)- he is at least thankful that they took the time to raise him, and he does care about them. His sisters Emma and Rebecca (twins, two years younger than him), (Parenthetical notations have to go. I'm not going to point out the rest, but you need to fix them all.) not so much. ("Not so much" is tonally inappropriate. In several places throughout the profile, there are tonal issues. The profile should be fairly formal since it is a report being written by a remote and emotionally uninvolved omniscient terrorist observer.)

As a young boy, it soon came to his parents' notice that Kenneth was somewhat odd. (This is the start of the timeline/chronological issues. There is very little specific information about how old Kenneth was or when events happen and instead there are a lot of vague generalities like "as a young boy" or "when he was in elementary". How old was Kenneth when his parents noticed his behavior?) He kept to himself most of the time, and could happily sit for hours in a corner lining cars up or putting things in and out of boxes. He carried one particular pencil around with him everywhere, even in the bath. He would repeat things that he'd heard on television or in movies to himself out loud and laugh crazily, just because he liked the way they sounded. While he was never diagnosed with anything - the doctors said these were just odd habits, and not symptoms of any kind of mental disorder(Really? This sounds like an Autism Spectrum Disorder, complete with the isolating, fixative behavior, trouble communicating and repeating media inappropriately. Since these are life-long behaviors of Kenneth's, why did his parents never seek out a second opinion? How did these issues affect Kenneth's performance in school?) but Kenneth knew, even from that age, that these marked him out as different (You’re missing punctuation here.)

From the beginning, he was doing extremely well in school. Having learned to read at a very early age, Kenneth had proceeded to devour all the books his parents bought him, and thus by the time he was in 1st grade, he was well ahead of everyone academically. (Skill in reading doesn’t automatically translate into advanced skills in other academic areas like math and science.) He wasn't a perfect student by any means, but he breezed through school comfortably without having to work very hard, and was frequently bored in class because he was at least a grade above the material. The problem was, he didn't have a lot of friends. Not because he didn't want to make friends, but because he couldn't - he alienated them with his odd speech patterns and occasional bizarre habits. (Again, this sounds like an Autism Spectrum Disorder.) Because of this, Kenneth ended up taking refuge in academics, dedicating himself to them to try and make up for the social wasteland he'd found himself in. (The term ‘social wasteland’ is tonally off because it is too informal for a profile. There should not be appeals to emotion and slang should be avoided. Also, please state how old is Kenneth when he is having all these problems because the profile only mentions him being in first grade.)

Over the next few years, Kenneth's father had to move around a lot because of his job. (How often were they moving? How old was Kenneth? Also, why do they have to move? What his is father’s job? Working in the oil industry is fairly limiting in terms of locations. Where did they move to?) Until Kenneth came to Aurora High School, he'd been in four different schools, (This is not a terribly high number, since most people attend at least three schools in their lifetime: elementary , middle school, and then high school. Did you mean school districts rather than simply schools. Also, exactly how many schools did Kenneth attend since the term "at least" does not provide an accurate accounting.) and he wasn't particularly happy in any of them. He continued to slide further (Please clarify what you mean by "slide further" since you have previously stated that Kenneth is academically advanced and always above grade-level in ability.) and one in particular, when he lived in Portland, Oregon, was an utter nightmare. The student body was rahter. (Typo. Also, the student body was rather what? I think your thought got cut off.) The teachers were absolutely useless, having no passion whatsoever for the subjects they taught (According to whom is the entire staff absolutely useless? This is another tone issue.) and refusing to engage the students at all. But most of all, there were four particular boys who took delight in tormenting Kenneth every way they could. He'd never forget the day when one of them pushed him off the top of the climbing frame, and he hit his head on a bar on the way down. Kenneth was in the hospital with a concussion for quite a while. The school followed up on this, naturally, and the boy was expelled, but Kenneth never forgot it. During his two years at that school, Kenneth never made one real friend. (Time line issues again. Exactly how old was Kenneth when this occurred? For Kenneth to be hospitalized for "quite a while", there must have been very serious injuries to him. What, exactly, was injured, how badly was it injured, how long did his recovery take, what was done to help Kenneth recover, and what, if any, lasting effects did the injury have on him?)

On top of this, there were some issues in his family. His parents would clash frequently over the most minor of issues, as both of them had quite different outlooks on life - his father had a relaxed attitude towards rearing his children, while his mother was a rather uptight and strict parent who was of the opinion that children needed discipline. They constantly fought over this, always seeming on the brink of divorce but never actually following through. Moreover, there were some issues with his sisters. Once, they had idolised (idolized) their brother, but as they grew and became more socially astute, they drifted apart. (Please clarify as to who drifted apart? The girls drifted away from Kenneth, drifted away from each other, or a combination of the two?) Emma suffered from scoliosis, and needed to wear a back brace much of the time. Kenneth was prepared to sympathise (sympathize) with her - after all, he saw that is was quite painful and potentially embarrassing - but he hated the way that she refused to wear it and lied to their parents about it, despite knowing the health consequences it would have if she didn't. They got into a huge argument about it, Kenneth accusing Emma of being selfish and Emma wanting him to butt out of her personal business. Rebecca, as always, stood by her twin out of a sense of loyalty, though Kenneth always suspected that she only did it through obligation. (When is all this happening? Kenneth’s personal timeline isn’t established very well and the profile jumps around. First Kenneth is in first grade, next paragraph he’s in high school. There’s no mention at which ages the evens in this paragraph take place. Please provide some ages, grades, or years for these events so that readers can better establish the flow of Kenneth’s life and make sure that these events are in chronological order.)

Despite all this, he wasn't totally unhappy. Kenneth had always loved music. His father was a music lover too - he played the saxophone in a few local jazz bands, and would play Kenneth selections from his extensive collection of vinyl whenever he could. Kenneth originally learned to play piano, (When did Kenneth play piano? For how long did he play?) but in 5th grade, he traded his piano in for an electric guitar, feeling bored with the instrument he had chosen. He practiced as much as he could, and soon became excellent at it. (Since guitar is one of Kenneth's interests and hobbies, there needs to be a lot more information about it. Who taught Kenneth guitar? What made him pick guitar since playing guitar is very different than playing piano and not many of the skills are transferable? Not many schools offer guitar lessons, especially not electric guitars. Does Kenneth take private lessons? Please explain how Kenneth is gaining skill with this instrument. If the family moves frequently, how does he acquire new instructors? What are his favorite songs/genres to play? What are his least favorite songs? What is his current skill level? Who are his musical inspirations? Can Kenneth read guitar sheet music or does he play using the tab system?) He dedicated himself to his guitar the same way he dedicated himself to academics, or, indeed, to anything that caught his interest, whether that was Dungeons and Dragons, toy collecting or video game programming. Most of these interests came and went, but guitar and academics were the two constants in his life. He liked that - after all, all he wanted was to have something constant in his life of moving around.

So, when Kenneth moved to Aurora High School in 9th grade, (When did the family move to Seattle and why did they move to Seattle?) his knack for making friends was more or less atrophied. He became something of a loner, never sure how to approach people or what to say to them - particularly in group situations, where he just clammed up. At first, he was unhappy with this, but gradually he came to accept his situation as a perpetual loner, knowing that there was little he could do to change it. In fact, he came to prefer it that way. After all, if he came to like someone, he'd end up having to move to another school, if his past experience was any guide. (This paragraph doesn’t make sense since it contradicts a lot of information that is previously established. How has Kenneth’s friend-making ability atrophied? At no point in the profile did Kenneth ever have friends. In fact, at several points, it is explained in detail that he in incapable of making friends due to his behaviors and personality.)

But that still didn't help him any. (Didn't help him with what? I'm confused.) The family situation was little better. His sisters were in middle school by now, and tried to distance themselves from Kenneth as much as possible. At the time, Kenneth couldn't understand why, but he later saw that they were tired of always being seen as "the weird kid's sisters", and wanted to forge their own identities, and also that they were slightly embarrassed about him. (If these siblings are two years apart, they should be at least two grades apart. So when Kenneth is in 9th grade, the sisters would be in 7th grade and at the junior high. Just like when Kenneth was in 7th grade and at the middle school/junior high, the girls would be fifth graders at be at the elementary school. Given how frequently the family moves, I’m a little confused as to how the sisters are always known as the “weird kid’s sisters”.) It manifested at home, with them insulting him for his oddities in a further effort to drive themselves apart from him. Bullying, as ever, was an issue - with his weak physique (Kenneth almost never did exercise, instead focusing on guitar and playing video games) and odd habits, Kenneth seemed to attract it. (Why is bullying always an issue? Why does Kenneth or his parents ever do anything to address the situation, like talk to his teachers or school administrators? Given Kenneth's behaviors, he really should be classified as being autistic or having Asperger's, which would make him a Special Education student. There would be all sorts of behavioral plans and socialization goals in place for Kenneth, and staffers would be required to watch out for bullying behaviors.) It was only a matter of time before Kenneth lashed out and tried to stab one of his tormentors with his beloved pencil. (WHEN did this happen? How is it only a matter of time? Many individuals are bullied in school and never do anything to their tormenters. Violence is not a foregone conclusion. Also, is this the same pencil that is first discussed in conjunction with Kenneth being in first grade? The one that he frequently takes into the bath tub with him? I find it really hard to believe that it is the same pencil multiple moves and nearly a decade later.)

He had to face the consequences, of course, and ended up going to therapy. (What consequences? If he attempted to stab someone, the school is within its rights to expel Kenneth. This is a very serious behavior and this incident needs to be expanded on in much greater detail. Why did his parents wait until this event to get Kenneth any kind of help? Where does Kenneth receive his therapy? What is he in therapy for? How long was he in therapy? How frequently does he have sessions? How did he feel about therapy? What kind of progress has he made? ) Gradually, Kenneth began to work through some of his issues - his frustration at being unable to make friends, and the inferiority complex that had developed (What inferiority complex? This is the first mention of it. When did it develop and how was it expressed?) from being constantly told by fellow students and his sisters that he was a loser and a weirdo and a spaz. He gradually realised (realized) that he was partially to blame, never having tried to change his habits or social interaction or made the slightest effort to fit in. Gradually, he began to integrate himself into the social life of the school and rebuild bridges with his family, (When was this happening? What grade was he in? How old was he?) and while they still fought sometimes, things were generally better. He didn't think he would ever quite forgive his sisters for trying to drive him away, but he could at least see why they did what they did. (Why didn’t his parents intervene in this behavior at all? Did they not see how isolated and unhappy their son was? Why did they permit their daughters to bully their son at home? You stated that his mother is a firm believer in disciplining her children, so why didn’t she do something? Please explain this situation.)

Kenneth made a few friends, and stopped being such a loner all the time. They weren't the lifetime companions that everybody else seemed to have, (Tonally off. This is a fairly big assumption to be making, that all friendships in high school are lifetime companions.) more of a loose aggregation of fellow freaks and geeks, (tonally off) but it was better than nothing. Unfortunately, this wouldn't help him get a girlfriend. By the time he reached 12th grade, he was still a virgin. Worse than that, (This is tonally off. According to whom is this a bad thing? The terrorist charged with observing and reporting on Kenneth wouldn’t care that Kenneth had never had a relationship or his lack of sexual partners.) he'd never had a proper girlfriend, or even kissed a girl. Girls, at that age, were still alien creatures to him. He knew that he shouldn't make as big an issue out of it as he did, but it still worried him - if second-hand word of mouth was anything to go by, everyone was hooking up constantly. (What about this worried him? Why was he worried? What did he do to address his worries?)

During this time, Kenneth was, (no comma here) mentored by his English teacher Mr. Collins, who encouraged him to use writing as an outlet for his frustrations and fears. He found that he enjoyed it very much, and to the despair of his teachers, he spent most of his time in class jotting down stories or thinking about riffs he was developing rather than doing work. (Okay, this is an issue because this is the only mention of Kenneth's writing hobby and it needs to be greatly expanded upon. At what age/in what grade did Kenneth begin writing? What are some frequent topics for him? Does he share his writing with anyone? Does he have any career aspirations related to writing? What are his favorite things to write about? What genre and/or style is his favorite? What is his skill level like?) Kenneth's grades began to slip - as he was so far ahead academically before, he'd never had to study much or even do much work, but the curriculum had caught up with his knowledge. It took him some time to adjust his brain to this new way of working, but he soon came around to it. While he wasn't the consistent A+ student he was before, and never would be, he at least got comfortable As and Bs. Despite this, he always had a lingering sense of resentment about the fact that he wasn't particularly exceptional in any way now.

Despite all this, he refused to get depressed about it, having seen from experience that getting depressed will get him nowhere. (Okay, I’m a bit confused. What experience of Kenneth's is being referenced here? Is Kenneth actually depressed or simply feeling sad? There is a difference, as people who are experiencing depression can’t will themselves to get over their illness.) He instead chose to respond with sarcasm and a bank of sardonic quips, in order to make it seem like a trivial thing, even when it wasn't. His outlook on life could perhaps best be described by the mantra he came up with: "Life sucks. I will die. Get over it." (Wow, this is not a healthy mindset. Has he talked to his therapist, mentor, or parents about these feelings?)

(Okay, I'm going to point out here the problem. Since this next paragraph begins with "By 12th grade", you're telling me that all previous information in the biography occurred *before* 12th grade. Except that in the next sentence, you're talking about a hobby he developed as a 10th grader. This interest needs to be developed and expanded upon. General rule about hobbies and interests is that each one should have about a paragraph worth of text about it. Specifically about the heavy metal interest, I need to know how Kenneth got introduced to this type of music, what about it appeals to him, who his favorite bands are, what his favorite songs are, how often he indulges in this hobby, if he's been to any concerts or performances, and what types of metal is Kenneth into? Does he listen to classic metal, hair metal, death metal, symphonic metal, speed metal, or one of the other metal sub-types? Please elaborate. )

By 12th grade, Kenneth was relatively stable and had begun to adjust. He'd finally found his social niche, as the lead guitarist and main lyricist of local death metal band Valley of Slaughter (he had developed a passionate interest in death metal in 10th grade, enjoying the powerful sound of the music). (How did he meet these people? Are they classmates or students from other schools or are they older than Kenneth? Where does the band perform? What is their skill level?) Also, Kenneth has only been playing with the band for a few months since he joined them in 12th grade. They weren't great, and he knew it, but he loved playing with them anyway, just because he'd finally found a group of people who could share his interests, and an outlet for some of his more... colourful writing. (Tonally off as it is vague and evasive.) He also began to practice Muay Thai, feeling that perhaps doing some form of exercise would give him a social outlet and that improving his fitness would be good for his self-esteem. (What about Muay Thai appealed to Kenneth? Why did he pick Muay Thai over some of the other martial arts? What made him pick a martial art, which is traditionally an individual sport, if his goal was socialization? Why didn't he pick a team-oriented sport? Since Muay Thai is only something he's been doing since the start of his senior year, please explain what his skill level is.) He was finally coming into his figure, feeling less awkward and gangly than he had previously. He planned to go to an Ivy League university and study History, (Not a proper noun) assuming that Valley of Slaughter never takes off (they've been rejected by 7 different record labels, but they won't give up yet). He knew he would always have some issues to work out, but he is generally hoped that his life will be good in the future.

Advantages: Kenneth has been practicing Muay Thai for one and a half years, (No, he hasn't. According to the biography, he began Muay Thai as a senior, which means he's been doing it for roughly eight months) and while he does not work out much outside of his lessons (he has been meaning to start for a while but never bothered to get around to it), (No parenthetical notations.) he can still hold his own in a sparring situation. He is also fairly intelligent and well-read. (I'm not seeing how being well-read is a survival advantage. Also, there isn't much in the biography to support the claim that Kenneth is well-read.)
Disadvantages: While Kenneth is quite a bit stronger than he was, he still suffers from a lack of stamina, and will get tired easily. (How is this possible? He's been practicing Muay Thai for at least 8 months. How does he have a lower stamina than people who don't exercise? This doesn't make sense.) He also has a tendency to over-analyse a situation, and is hesitant about actually making a decision - he has a perpetual fear of making a snap decision that he will regret. (This is never discussed anywhere in the biography. The Advantages and Disadvantages are for brief summaries of things mentioned in the biography. New and unsupported information should not be introduced here. You will either need to drop this disadvantage or discuss it in greater detail in the biography.) While his theoretical knowledge is decent enough (though not spectacular), his lack of experience in the real world could cost him, as he has always had a problem actually applying what he learns. (Theoretical knowledge of what? What lack of experience? What has he learned that would aid in his survival? Again, none of this was discussed in the biography.) Most crippling of all is Kenneth's lack of social skills, which could cost him dearly in the cutthroat game of alliances and relationships.

Okay, that should do it for now. I realize it is a lot, but I like to try and hit everything in one fell swoop in the hopes that there will be fewer edits required. Once you have addressed all of the issues and questions that have been presented, drop a reply in this thread, and I will give Kenneth another going-over.
Version 5
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jerk
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Cool, I'm working on some edits, but it could take me a fair while.
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MurderWeasel
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Hiya, jerk! Please don't post until edits have been completed, as doing so causes confusion/messes up the queue. Post when you've got everything edited, and we'll give Kenneth another look. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
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Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
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MurderWeasel
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
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