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Ryan Nemeth
Topic Started: Dec 20 2012, 02:40 PM (488 Views)
Coldscourge
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Name: Ryan Nemeth
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Reading, Eating unnecessarily hot foods/ 'odd' combinations of foods, and Hiking.

Appearance: Ryan was born the oldest of three children to Steven Miller, an EMT and Virginia Nemeth, an LPN, at North Broward Medical Center as the result of what was meant to be a one night stand, He was followed by his younger sister Elizabeth, who was followed by Alexander. Ryan was given his mother's surname due to his being born before their marriage, his father not particularly minding the fact.

Ryan has had a decently average life so far, his parents working during his early childhood to give his family a comfortable life. Their schedules initially made it hard for them to be there as much for their children, having to call in favours with Steve''s parent's to watch them if one of the pair was not able to be there. Five years into Ryan's life, his parent's decided to make a commitment and get married.

Ryan has developed a number of hobbies over the years, some that his parents have happily gotten behind. The first of these is a fascination with food, namely spicy food. He isn't entirely sure when this fascination budded, the moment either having been glossed over by time or outright forgotten. The second, weight-training, developed out of an attempt to stem...a problem Ryan had. He doesn't talk about it much, or at all, that he has anger issues

Ryan was always more of the shy child, at first due to having been in a privately organized christian preschool, his mother having gone there as a child. had known and grown up with the majority of the other children, having a difficult time at first learning how to talk to the other children, though the extended periods of time spent with them, whether in Sunday school or school proper, helped him ease his nervousness as well as causing him to have deeper attachments because of how hard he had to work for himself to get over it. When yet another move resulted in a change of scenery and state, he panicked and hid in his books, which has continued into his life away from school, and all but let his sister take the fore-front when it came to sociological matters, due to her having always been the more outspoken and social of the two children.

His relationship with his parents and siblings has been, in a few words, strained but amicable at times. For the majority of the life he can recall, he has gotten along with his parents, even if at times he has been...at odds with them for some reason or another, the majority of his problems stemming from his teachers informing them that he has turned in no work, and prefers to pull a book out and read, though his testing scores are remarkable. His siblings have been another story: While he gets along swimmingly with his sister for better or for worse, his relationship with his younger brother is most easily described as adversarial, initially because of the stereotypical 'mommy and daddy love the baby more' and later on because Alexander had a penchant for doing something and managing to lay the blame on Ryan. This is yet another problem that Ryan has learned to get over with some difficulty.

Because of his predilection for absorbing himself into his reading, his understanding of how the world works and by association how people work, his ability to associate with actual people has decayed to the degree that he has a difficult time being able to find people that he can legitimately associate with. This has unfortunately engendered an inability to fully understand how people work, constantly saying whatever was on his mind or being unable to fully grasp people's intentions and ending up in more than one fight due to his bluntness, his unfettered tongue having more than once said something that was out and out insulting, offensive or derogatory. As a result, he has more than once gotten in some kind of trouble, most of the time finding himself in detention and some of the time in a fight.

A separate issue that stems from his preference to read is a lethargy when it comes to doing anything else except when it interests him, causing him no small amount of conflict with his student peers during group assignments and projects.

Scholastically speaking Ryan is somewhat odd, in that while he can do the work and pass rather nicely, he is lazy to a fault and usually shows no initiative academically, preferring to just read the text-book and do the testing that proves that he comprehends the material at hand rather than have to deal with homework, which has caused adversarial conflicts between him and authority figures. His parent's have tried and convince him through one incentive or another to pay attention to the homework, before outright threatening him with withdrawal from school and the removal of all non-academic products in his life in his sophomore year until things improved. Not wanting to lose his books, Ryan turned his grades around slowly, before coming around to a more desirable average. His only 'extracurricular' activities he really participated in were helping out in his schools library, which only came about due to the fact that he was constantly in there when it was at all possible and the faculty that worked the library, in agreement with his parents, unofficially gave him an assistant position: helping categorize and file the books as well as putting them where they went and returning books that had been left in inappropriate spots

Advantages: Ryan's has moved around quite often, having to lug multiple boxes of books up and down stairs constantly has given him a modicum of lifting power, as well as the working out he has done later in his life to the current point. He is also very tenacious about things he has taken a liking to, not giving up easily when he sets his mind to a task, almost to a fault
Disadvantages: Ryan for lack of a better term is fat and lazy. Years of sedentary life has given him a lackadaisical attitude towards most things and prefers to let others take the reins when it is at all possible and his overall endurance and motivation has taken a major hit
Edited by Coldscourge, Jan 20 2013, 06:49 PM.
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MurderWeasel
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Hiya, Coldscourge! Before we give Ryan a full critique, please be sure his bio conforms exactly to the template. Specifically, please remove the spare line between biography and advantages, so only one line is skipped instead of three. While this may seem like a very minor detail, the extra lines actually cause a lot of hassle when putting profiles onto the wiki. Post when you've got that done, and we'll give Ryan a full critique. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
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Coldscourge
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do think I fixed what was needed
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MurderWeasel
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Hiya, Coldscourge!

Ryan's profile is a pretty good start, but he is DENIED pending some elaboration and editing.

First off, Ryan's hobbies and interests list should be a bit more standardized. Only the first letter of the first word should be capitalized, and commas should go after words rather than in front of them. Also, this section is more for summary than specifics, just a basic list, like "Reading, anime, gaming, etc."

"obese" does not need quotation marks.

What style is Ryan's hair in? How long is it?

There are some grammar/flow issues, especially when it comes to capitalization and fragments. For example, "A collection of features that would might seperately be considered attractive but together on him looked rather thrown together." would work much better as "This collection of features might separately be considered attractive, but together on him look rather thrown together." I'd give Ryan's whole profile a thorough proofreading for grammar.

Quotes, like "rolled out of bed and grabbed the first thing" are too informal for a profile's tone. The quote for his shirt is fine, though, since that is actually what it says.

I'm not quite sure if the last bit is what Ryan was wearing on the day of abduction, or just his usual outfit. That should be made explicit either way.

I'd also like a bit more about Ryan's figure, because that is a lot of weight for someone relatively short. Is he somewhat muscular? That often throws off BMI calculations.

The thing that really stands out as needing more is Ryan's bio. Did Ryan's parents marry? Where was he born? Who watched Ryan while hi parents were working? How i his relationship with them? How's his relationship with his siblings?

Ryan's sister's violence comes out of nowhere and needs a ton more explanation. Ryan's social issues just don't make sense. Schools teach kids how to socialize. It's very hard to get through schooling without being at least passingly capable in that arena. Also, Ryan's fights should either be dropped or get a ton more detail; these sorts of things have big consequences, and Ryan's bluntness could easily be construed as bullying and could carry repercussions because of that.

Ryan's bio cuts off mid-sentence.

The big issue is that the bio is super minimal. We want to be able to have a good feel for Ryan from it. All his hobbies should come up, be detailed and explained, and so on. We should get a good idea of his current situation, how he got there, why he is who he is. Check out MK Kilmarnock's Sean Mulcahy for an idea of the sort of depth we're shooting for in these.

Ryan's advantages and disadvantages should all come up in his bio. The phrase "sitting on his ass" is too informal for a profile's tone.

Post when you've got Ryan edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
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Coldscourge
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I hope this is better, I apologize for...what it lacks still...*I have a hard time sometimes when it comes to writing the character sheet...always so much easier when I get into the forum proper and am able to actually do the part that I can figure out...the writing*
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MurderWeasel
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Hiya, Coldscourge! Ryan's looking a lot better, but he still needs a bit of editing before he's good to go.

To start with, his hobbies and interests list is still not really in list format. I'd like to see it just a simple list, like "Reading, video games, tennis" or whatever. Related, I'd like to see Ryan have at least three or four distinct hobbies, each coming up in his bio.

Numerals, such as 3, should be spelled out, as "three".

There are formatting errors (one paragraph starts with a period, for example). Ryan's profile could use an overall proofreading for grammar and punctuation.

"Butch Cut" doesn't need quotation marks. Neither does "fire". Really, there shouldn't be quotes anywhere in a bio except for stuff like Ryan's shirt.

I'm not really sure what this means: "As for clothes, Ryan likes to go with what he considers, which is entirely true."

Somehow, an extra space got added between Appearance and Biography, and should be deleted so only one line is skipped.

We don't really need the hours and minutes of how much older than his siblings Ryan is.

Why does Ryan have his mother's surname?

This sentence: "Ryan has had a decently average life so far, his parents never having married because of personal choices both their parts, as well as not being able to afford it or wanting to take hand-outs unless absolutely necessary, working off and on during his early childhood to give his family a comfortable life, his mother having her own mother watch Ryan and Elizabeth until they were old enough to start going to pre-school." is so long it's hard to follow. I'd like to see it split up into a few. The same is true for a few other sentences in his bio; any sentence should really contain one or two ideas at most or it becomes challenging to follow. I also don't get Ryan's parents' decision not to marry; becoming legally married is quite cheap and carries benefits they would be aware of (including tax breaks and visiting rights should one ever be hospitalized).

Why were Ryan's parents in and out of work so much, since they both had pretty well-paying professions? Who took care of him while they were at work?

Ryan can't have been left home at age ten to fend for himself, as that implies his four year old brother was also left unattended. Even if that's not the case, that sounds like a very hazardous and likely illegal situation, something Ryan's parents, as medical professionals, would know.

Why did Ryan go to Christian preschool? Why did he have trouble socializing? Why did his family move? Where did they live before?

How does Ryan do well on tests without bothering to learn the material? How does he pass classes? Many high school classes grade much more heavily on homework than tests; someone who did none would likely flunk out. What was his parents' reaction to his academic troubles? Did the school put him in remedial classes? What caused Ryan's problems?

Why did he have so much trouble with a sibling so much younger than him? An 18 year old fighting with a 12 year old seems odd.

Ryan wouldn't be allowed to become completely unsocialized in school. His profile at present suggests some mental health issues, which, again, his parents would be trained to recognize. I knew plenty of kids who spent most of their school time reading, and they could all hold a decent conversation just as normally as anyone else. Introversion does not imply social ineptitude.

What consequences has Ryan faced for his bluntness? How does he feel about them?

How does Ryan actually do in school?

Ryan's moving, weight training, and issues with weight should be mentioned in his bio, as well as how he felt about all that.

There's a line skipped between Advantages and Disadvantages where there shouldn't be.

Earlier, Ryan is described as being in pretty good shape now. This doesn't mesh with his description as physically inept. I'd like to see that smoothed out. Similarly, there's a difference between blowing off homework and being apathetic when your life is on the line, and I don't see a ton to suggest Ryan would do the latter.

Post when you've got Ryan edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks!
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
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MurderWeasel
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki
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