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| Lawrence Kõiv | |
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| Topic Started: Dec 1 2012, 09:17 AM (416 Views) | |
| Mina Mystes | Dec 1 2012, 09:17 AM Post #1 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Name: Lawrence Kõiv Gender: Male Age: 18 Grade: 12th School: Aurora High School Hobbies and Interests: Playing the melodica, making art out of shards of sea glass, listening to music, Playing the flute Appearance: Lawrence has mid-back length hair. He usually binds his hair into a loose ponytail behind him with a single black ribbon. The ribbon is made of a satin cloth that matches the jabot of his favorite suit. The strands of his hair are a natural red, as his low-set thin eyebrows, and is textured smooth due to frequent care. Lawrence's eyes are a medium-green color and somewhat down-turned giving them a lazy appearance. His nose is of average length and the tip is rounded at the point. His features are near completely masculine if it were not for the lack of sharply defined features. This gives him a certain feminine softness to his facial features including the more rounded appearance of his jawline. Lawrence stands five-foot ten inches tall and weighs about one-hundred forty eight pounds. His form is a rectangular body type and his muscle tone is minimal just as his body fat. His skin is soft, covered in freckles, and pale due to the characteristics he'd inherited. He appears almost to have that well-known Irish appearance despite having no lineage to the place in his immediate family. Lawrence's clothing is, more often than not, out of place for his time. He tends to wear button-up shirts and vests that are patterned minimally. He tends to pair them with a pair of simple slacks and neckties. On the day of abduction, Lawrence's attire was no different. To be exact he was wearing one of his favorite black vests which had copper-colored buttons and pin-stripes within it's design. This vest was neatly laid over his white button-up shirt and paired with a copper necktie. This necktie tucked into the fabric of his vest resting smoothly on his chest pinned between the fabrics. Partnered with these fabrics was a pair of pin-striped black pants. His feet were covered with his only pair of black formal shoes that held copper-toned buckles on their sides. Biography: Lawrence was born on February 12th in Seattle, Washington. He was born into a family of average wealth. His mother, formerly Melissa Washington and now Melissa Kõiv, was an elementary school teacher until his birth when she was forced to retire in order to care for Lawrence. His father, Jude Kõiv, had moved to America from Elva, Estonia. His father works quite hard within the offices of a private law firm. From birth, until his middle school years, he was home schooled. His mother wanted to be the one who molded her son's mind through those early years of development. It was important to her that she could take care of her son full time and teach as well. Even if the student was her only son. Between these years Lawrence was much like any other child. Running and playing, often getting in trouble for ruining his good clothes, and making friends with other boys in the neighborhood. During his time in home school his mother taught him a wide variety of subjects. She made sure that he was both well informed and cultured, opening his eyes to many areas of the world--not just the local aspects. When his father would come home Lawrence would be dressed up formal and proper so that he could show his father he was becoming a good man. Lawrence idolized his father then and still does to this day. When his father would arrive home Lawrence would immediately greet him and then rush off to his father's study where many nights he would be lulled to sleep by the stories of his father's home in Estonia. Lawrence and his family were very close like this for most of his life. He learned one of his favorite hobbies from one of the many trips they took to see the ocean. The time his father showed him what was known as sea glass. To him it was beautiful, the way that discarded glass was remade by the ocean, turned into something more beautiful. He and his family would go to the beach often just to find these pieces of glass and when they returned home Lawrence would spend hours with his parents piecing them together into works of art. Once Lawrence's parents decided it was time for him to be involved in public school the time he had with his family seemed lesser and therefore became more cherished to him. Due to this he never really went out of his way to join many clubs or sports that would have gained him popularity. Instead he kept his attentions on school work and band. Band was his outlet for self-expression though his choice of instrument was not what he loved playing the most. Since it was not common for schools to offer instruction in melodica playing he chose instead to play the flute. He was far from perfect in his proficiency with such an instrument, but he did enjoy it which was the whole purpose in his choice to join the band. Lawrence had friends, yes, but there weren't many. Those he did have were as treasured to him as his family had always been. Lawrence's love for music, culture, and formal fashion had begun here. Though his family could not afford a lot of the things he desired to have in his life so he was eager to grow up. Feeling that the sooner he did the sooner he could get a job and buy all the things he wanted. Some of those things he worked to buy were his clothing, materials to make his sea glass art, and his first melodica. After entering Aurora high school, Lawrence began to develop his own path in life further. He joined the high school band and spent a lot of time working after school at a local music store to pay for his expensive tastes. He no longer spent a lot of time with his family, but the respect for them remained. Lawrence's accepting personality made it easy for him to make friends, but his unusual fashion made it difficult for people to take him seriously. Many of the students thinking he was strange because of those very fashion choices. Due to this he became more of a joker to make up for the slight insecurities he had developed over his appearance. However, despite those small insecurities he could not bring himself to change his appearance. Fearing that it would change who he was as a person. Lawrence's friends describe him someone who is outgoing and humorous. He is always there to lend a shoulder to those who need one to cry on, but he never really found that person who was right for him. Lawrence by nature is very open-minded, but he is insecure about his appearance. He wants to live up to his father's image and become a man of equal quality but feels that he cannot compare. Lawrence has a bad habit of not eating when troubled and this causes worry from his parents. Due to this he is often seen carrying a lunch box made for him even at his age. Lawrence's grades in school were not perfect. Usually averaging out to a B at the end of the year. Usually, Lawrence did better in classes such as art and history. Though some of his worst subjects had always been math and science and he struggled more in science than anything else. He felt that science darkened life because it took the fun out of imagination. Science always had to take dreams and ideas of man and prove whether or not they really existed or were true. It took the fun out of life, in Lawrence's opinion, the fun of what if and why not. Over his life Lawrence has lived in the same two-floor home with his mother and father. The yard wasn't very big, but it was large enough that his memory framed it well with the old blue house. He has no brothers or sisters because his mother having complications after his birth. His mother and father treat him very well, but can sometimes come off overly attached. Because of his upbringing Lawrence to this day remains somewhat of a mother's boy. His family is quite proud of him despite not fully understanding his fondness for formal attire. They feel that it is a phase he will grow out of and that there could have been a lot worse habits he could have developed. Lawrence would never agree that it was only a phase as his tastes stem from his deep love for the Victorian era. He had fallen in love with the era during his many lessons both in school and at home. His choices in fashion are his ways of mimicking the image of what a man should be in that era. He enjoys the clothing style and finds it more comfortable to wear than the clothes that he wore growing up. He tends to find pieces of his outfits in thrift shops or through companies online that he visits when goes to the library. Advantages: Lawrence is very open-minded, accepting of people's flaws as well, and generally would be likely to group up with others in order to survive. He is keen on cleanliness and because of this he would be more likely to keep his living spaces and wounds cleaner than some. Lawrence is trustworthy, due to this he may find it easier to help from others, or at least be more dependable to other people. Disadvantages: Some of his disadvantages are that he trusts to easily making him at risk for betrayal. His high moral values will make it difficult for him to cause harm to other people and he would go out of his way to avoid having to cause it. Edited by Mina Mystes, Dec 4 2012, 12:10 AM.
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| MurderWeasel | Dec 2 2012, 05:04 PM Post #2 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hiya, Mina! Lawrence's profile is a good start, but he is DENIED pending some editing. First off, his hobbies and interests don't all need to be capitalized, as that looks awkward. Also, they should all come up in his bio and be explained. I'll say right now that I am really skeptical about brushing hair as a hobby. This: "His features are masculine, but hold a feminine softness due to the lack of sharply defined features." doesn't really make sense; the two halves of the statement are seemingly totally contradictory. Why does Lawrence dress so unusually? Where did this habit come from? What does his family think of it? How does it mesh with school? What do other students think of it? How does he finance such unique clothes, given how expensive that sort of thing often is? Numerals, such as "18" should be spelled out, like "eighteen". Why do Lawrence's parents have different last names? Are they not married? Why would Lawrence's mother, a teacher in a public school, want to homeschool him? This seems really baffling given that her entire career would have impressed upon her why that would be a bad idea. Also, it seems like it would be very tough for a family member to stay home with Lawrence to get his schooling done while still doing actual work. Why the focus on formality? It's very unusual in this age, and doesn't really seem to flow from anything. Melodicas are cool, but would be unlikely to be offered in the school band due to a lack of qualified instruction. What did Lawrence want that he couldn't buy? What sorts of people were his friends? How did he do in school? Why was Lawrence awkward? What did he do for work? Why didn't he change his look, given how it made him self-conscious? I'd like to know a bit more about Lawrence's time in school. How does he do? Which classes is he best in? Where does he struggle? Lawrence's advantages and disadvantages should be complete sentences. Finally, Lawrence could also use an overall editing for grammar. His profile has a lot of fragments that should be combined with other sentences. Post when you've got Lawrence edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Mina Mystes | Dec 2 2012, 05:54 PM Post #3 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Edited and fixed the suggested. How's it look now? |
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| MurderWeasel | Dec 3 2012, 07:09 PM Post #4 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hiya, Mina! Lawrence is looking better, but there are still a few things I'd like to see edited. "Hair" does not need to be capitalized. Brushing hair as a hobby is still extremely bizarre and needs to be dropped in favor of something else or explained in his bio. A lot of sentences still have fragments after them. Here for instance: "He tends to wear button-up shirts and vests that are patterned minimally. Pairing them with a pair of simple slacks and neckties." things should be rephrased as follows: "He tends to wear button-up shirts and vests that are patterned minimally, paired with simple slacks and neckties." "On the day of abduction, Lawrence's attire is no different." should be in past tense, with "was" instead of "i" The same issue turns up here: "This vest would be neatly laid over his white button-up shirt and paired with a copper necktie."; I'd like to see a "was" rather than a "would be". Please make sure everything in that bit of his appearance section is in past tense. I'm not buying Lawrence's mother having issues with the violence in the school system; Seattle has a very well respected school system and violence is quite rare, something a teacher would know through firsthand experience. More than that, any elementary school teacher would be fully aware of the importance and benefits of early interaction among children. There are a few places where "Koiv" is substituted for "Kõiv". I'd prefer to see one spelling used throughout the profile. Stuff like this: "She made sure that he was both well informed and cultured. Opening his eyes to many areas of the world. Not just the local aspects they expected him to know." needs to be combined, so that every sentence has a subject (that is, the person or thing performing the action). Here, that would read as: "She made sure that he was both well informed and cultured, opening his eyes to many areas of the world--not just the local aspects." This fragment: "Such as his clothing, materials to make his sea glass art, and to purchase his first instrument the melodica." is confusing and could use rephrasing. Does Lawrence enjoy the flute? If so, it should be in his hobbies list. Has he actually started with the melodica yet? What attracts him to it? I still don't get why Lawrence insists on dressing formally all the time. Where was he exposed to these ideas? Where does he get his extremely specialized and presumably expensive clothes? What does he do when it is impractical to wear them? Lawrence's advantages and disadvantages should be a bit more detailed, especially noting how they could actually benefit him in an SOTF situation. They should also all come up in his bio. Also, I'd like you to be sure to give Lawrence's profile a really thorough proofreading for grammar, especially aiming to get rid of those fragments. Post when you've got Lawrence edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Mina Mystes | Dec 4 2012, 12:10 AM Post #5 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Edits completed |
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| MurderWeasel | Dec 12 2012, 02:33 PM Post #6 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hiya, Mina! Lawrence is looking better, but I still have a few little things I need tweaked. "Playing the flute" should be "playing the flute". We've still got a few fragments, such as here: "It was important to her that she could take care of her son full time and teach as well. Even if the student was her only son." and here: "Though his family could not afford a lot of the things he desired to have in his life so he was eager to grow up. Feeling that the sooner he did the sooner he could get a job and buy all the things he wanted." and here: "However, despite those small insecurities he could not bring himself to change his appearance. Fearing that it would change who he was as a person." and here: "Lawrence's grades in school were not perfect. Usually averaging out to a B at the end of the year." "due to this he may find it easier to help from others" seems to be missing a word. "he trusts to easily" should be "he trusts too easily" Lawrence's morals should come up more in his bio, since it sounds like they're a good deal stricter than those of many high schoolers. I'd also like to know what Lawrence enjoys about the melodica, and how far he is in his studies. Similarly, what type of music is he into? How does his music interest play into his life, aside from his job? Post when you've got Lawrence edited, and we'll give him another look. Thanks! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| MK Kilmarnock | Dec 26 2012, 10:49 PM Post #7 |
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Hate, hate, HATE!!!
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff. |
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V6 Tributes Spoilers, Ricky didn't win V5 Things We Say
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