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Joseph Fallows
Topic Started: Nov 25 2012, 10:47 PM (448 Views)
Burke
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Name: Joseph Fallows
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High
Hobbies and Interests: Fencing, Chess, Debate Team, Reading

Appearance: Joseph stands at 5'8, weighing at around 155 pounds. His skin is pale, due to him spending very little time outside. He has small pale blue eyes, with thin dark brown eyebrows and short eyelashes framing them. He has straight dark brown hair, which he keeps close cropped. He has a round, but rather thin, nose. He is lean and lanky, with most his muscle being concentrated in his quadriceps and biceps. He has a rather pointed face, with a sharp chin and prominent cheekbones. Generally wears his grey Furman Paladin's hoodie (His father's Alma Mater) over various T-shirts, most of them being either purple, red, or some shade of grey, along with jeans and dark black sneakers.

He always tries to stand and sit as straight as possible, often with his hands either by his sides of clasped behind his back. He keeps himself clean-shaven, most likely in an attempt to look more professional.

Clothes of the day of the abduction are his grey Furman Paladin's hoodie over a plain white shirt, with dark blue jeans and his black sneakers.

Biography: Joseph is the oldest child of James and Katherine Fallows. He has two younger sisters and two younger brothers, the youngest being ten years younger than himself. He seems to be some what distant with most of them, but he has a very close relationship with his sixteen year old brother, Will. He has a fairly good relationship with both his parents, though they do clash heads occasionally. He is particularly close with his father.

He has lived in the Seattle area his entire life, though neither of his parents were native to the area, his father being from Georgia while his mother is from Pennsylvania. With both his parents working at the local hospital, James being a surgeon while Katherine is a RN, he spent much of his life helping raise his four younger siblings often relying on his brother Will to help keep order in the house. This responsibility in taking care of his younger siblings has often put a strain on both his social life, often making him miss out on chances to hang out with his friends. and his relationship with some of his younger siblings. He seems especially bothered by the latter, as he seems to hold his family relationships in top priority.

He does fairly well in school, maintaining a 3.8 GPA throughout the majority of his high school years, but seems to put minimal effort into certain studies, most notably math, simply because he can perform easily but takes no pleasure from it. He does take interest in history, mostly of the history of Europe, and participates actively in gym. He takes pleasure from flaunting his intelligence at any opportunity, this being the main reason he enjoys chess and debate, both of which he picked up in his freshman year. While he excels in debate, being both a skilled researcher and being a natural orator, he fails to push himself in chess. While he is relatively good at chess, he does not seek any real challenge, preferring to face off against people he know he can beat and entering low level chess tournaments.

He started fencing when he was seven, a hobby he picked up from his father, and favors the Épée, a heavy blade made for stabbing and slashing. He has participated in several local tournaments and has done quite well in most them, placing second in several. He spends at least one hour everyday sparring with his father, which has bonded the two greatly.

He has a nice sized circle of friends, though he has been friends with most of them since they were in kindergarten. Due to his rather condescending manner, he does not make friends easily nor quickly. He has a certain disdain for those he does not deem his equal, and frequently voices this contempt. This has lead to several students taking an extreme disliking to him. He shows some romantic interest, though has yet to act on it, either out of fear or disinterest.

Advantages: Joseph's years of training in fencing have given him excellent proficiency in movarietyst mid-range melee weaponry, most notably of course being long blades. His fencing has also given him quite a bit of physical endurance along with above-average agility. His time spent researching for debate has given him excellent forethought. He works extremely well under pressure, making him well suited to deal with crisises.
Disadvantages: Joseph has been shown to be extremely arrogant, displaying an inability to accept defeat. Along with that, he appears to have an almost psychological need to display his superiority through both his intelligence and physical skill. Due to his rather abrasive nature, Joseph does not make friends easily.
Edited by Burke, Nov 26 2012, 05:45 PM.
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MurderWeasel
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Hiya, Burke! Before we give Joseph a full critique, please be sure his bio conforms exactly to the template. Specifically, please remove the extra line between his biography and his advantages. Post when you've got that done, and we'll give Joseph a full critique. Thanks!
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Burke
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I just knew I had messed it up somehow! Anyways, it's fixed now
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Namira
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Hey Burke. Joseph is temporarily denied.

Before I elaborate further, I'm going to emphasise that the buzzword is going to be detail. There's a reasonable framework of a character here, but my main issue is that you haven't really expanded on a lot of the aspects of the character that you begin to explore. A lot of elements you've brought up only in passing have much larger implications that haven't been touched upon, so keep that in mind from the beginning.

You have a few superfluous extra spaces here and there, try and delete those. It's tidier.

Finally, Joseph's hobby of 'reading' doesn't appear to come up anywhere in the biography. That needs to change.


Quote:
 
Name: Joseph Fallows
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High
Hobbies and Interests: Fencing, Chess, Debate Team, Reading

Appearance: Joseph stands at 5'8, weighing at around 155 pounds. His skin is pale, due to him spending very little time outside. He has small pale blue eyes, with thin dark brown eyebrows and short eyelashes framing them. He has straight dark brown hair, which he keeps close cropped. He has a round, but rather thin, nose. He is lean and lanky, with most his muscle being concentrated in his quadriceps and biceps. He has a rather pointed face, with a sharp chin and prominent cheekbones. Generally he wears his grey Furman Paladin's hoodie (His father's Alma Mater) over various T-shirts, most of them being either purple, red, or some shade of grey, along with jeans and dark black sneakers.

He always tries to stand and sit as straight as possible, often with his hands either by his sides of clasped behind his back. He keeps himself clean-shaven, most likely in an attempt to look more professional. Why, 'most likely'? Either it is an attempt to look more professional or it isn't.

Clothes of the day of the abduction are his grey Furman Paladin's hoodie over a plain white shirt, with dark blue jeans and his black sneakers.

This is a fragmented sentence, please revise it so that it makes more sense.

Biography: Joseph is the oldest child of James and Katherine Fallows. He has two younger sisters and two younger brothers, the youngest being ten years younger than himself. He seems to be some what distant with most of them, but he has a very close relationship with his sixteen year old brother, Will. He has a fairly good relationship with both his parents, though they do clash heads occasionally. He is particularly close with his father.

Okay, you know when I said 'elaboration'? Here's what I mean. Speaking as somebody with four siblings, they have been a major part of my life ever since I was a kid. The detail paid to Joseph's family is cursory. You really need to add more. Just saying 'he seems to be somewhat distant' (and again, he's either distant, or he isn't, you don't just 'seem' to be something like that). Like, for a start, it would be nice if they actually had names, for one thing, and precise ages. It makes more sense to combine this paragraph with the aspects in the paragraph below, as otherwise you are splitting up information that is actually connected.

He has lived in the Seattle area his entire life, though neither of his parents were native to the area, his father being from Georgia while his mother is from Pennsylvania. With both his parents working at the local hospital, James being a surgeon while Katherine is a RN, he spent much of his life helping raise his four younger siblings often relying on his brother Will to help keep order in the house. This responsibility in taking care of his younger siblings has often put a strain on both his social life, often making him miss out on chances to hang out with his friends. and his relationship with some of his younger siblings. ((You've put a full stop instead of a comma earlier here, and this sort've just trails off how it's written. Did you mean to indicate the relationship with some of his younger siblings is also strained?)) He seems especially bothered by the latter, as he seems to hold his family relationships in top priority.

Joseph would only have been a child himself at this point. Why was that kind of responsibility put onto him? Surely his parents would figure out that someone his age wasn't the best person to put such a burden on? It's a heck of a lot of trust to place in a kid that young. Again, there's not enough detail. Why were his siblings so unruly? Considering his parents' professions, it seems like the logical thing to do would be hiring a nanny or the like. In fact, I would go as far to say that this is something you should add, or at least indicate there was some other caregiver than just Joseph. Also, you've fallen into the 'seems' pitfall again, and I don't really understand why Joseph would be bothered by his relationships with his younger siblings getting damaged when the damage appears to be because Joseph is resentful of having to look after them. As in, why would he be bothered when all indications are that it's him that is getting irritated AT his siblings?

He does fairly well in school, maintaining a 3.8 GPA throughout the majority of his high school years, but seems to put minimal effort into certain studies, most notably math, simply because he can perform easily but takes no pleasure from it. He does take interest in history, mostly of the history of Europe, and participates actively in gym. He takes pleasure from flaunting his intelligence at any opportunity, this being the main reason he enjoys chess and debate, both of which he picked up in his freshman year. While he excels in debate, being both a skilled researcher and being a natural orator, he fails to push himself in chess. While he is relatively good at chess, he does not seek any real challenge, preferring to face off against people he know he can beat and entering low level chess tournaments.

Again. Either Joseph puts minimal effort into certain studies, or he does not. 'Seems' implies that he appears to be putting in no effort but actually does, and in the context of the sentence, that doesn't make sense. Please elaborate in general. Is it that he finds math boring and hence doesn't want to put effort into it even though he's good at it? This isn't clearly explained. How do the teachers react to a gifted but lazy and arrogant student? Why is he interested in European history? There's nothing anywhere else to suggest Joseph would be into it. Also, Joseph's personality hasn't really come up at all to this point. Why does he like flaunting his intelligence? That's a fairly mean-spirited thing to do, it's a little strange that there isn't any more detail than that. It's not something that you just do for no reason. Is that the same reason he doesn't try particularly hard in chess? That also seems a little odd. If you're so proud if your intelligence, why would you put yourselves against easy opposition, it seems to me that if you pushed yourself it would be more satisfying to win. Please elaborate further.

He started fencing when he was seven, a hobby he picked up from his father, and favors the Épée, a heavy blade made for stabbing and slashing. He has participated in several local tournaments and has done quite well in most them, placing second in several. He spends at least one hour everyday sparring with his father, which has bonded the two greatly.

This is more of a grammatical quibble, but you use pronouns rather than Joseph's name for almost the entire profile. It would flow a lot better if you threw in a 'Joseph' here and there. I'd, again, like just a bit more detail here. How exactly did Joseph pick it up? Did his father practice at home? There's little indication of that kind of thing.

He has a nice sized circle of friends, though he has been friends with most of them since they were in kindergarten. Due to his rather condescending manner, he does not make friends easily nor quickly. He has a certain disdain for those he does not deem his equal, and frequently voices this contempt. This has lead to several students taking an extreme disliking to him. He shows some romantic interest, though has yet to act on it, either out of fear or disinterest.

Why is Joseph so condescending? Apart from mentioning he likes to show off his intelligence, you've given me the barest minimum of a personality so far. Usually it should shine throw across the profile, but I really haven't been getting that. Joseph comes across as wholly arrogant and yet you've given me nothing to demonstrate why he's like this, and to be honest, that's kind've a problem. Also, what do you mean by 'romantic interest'? That could mean anything. It could mean that there's one particular person Joseph is interested in. He could be straight, gay, bi, pan, anything. Sexuality isn't a necessary part of a profile, but the way you've made that statement it's very disconnected. Acted on what? Acted on it how? Why would he be afraid? If he has romantic interest why would be be 'disinterested'? That doesn't make sense, and needs clearing up.

Advantages: Joseph's years of training in fencing have given him excellent proficiency in movarietyst mid-range melee weaponry, most notably of course being long blades. His fencing has also given him quite a bit of physical endurance along with above-average agility. His time spent researching for debate has given him excellent forethought. He works extremely well under pressure, making him well suited to deal with crises.

"movarietyst" doesn't even show up to a google search. What does it mean? Also, I have to say I strongly dislike the first advantage. Fencing, as a sport, is completely different from actual blade fighting. It revolves around scoring points and footwork, it's not actually proper combat, and it shouldn't be treated as such. Yes, fencing would improve one's coordination, but I really don't think that Joseph would have 'excellent proficiency' in melee weaponry just from fencing. What do you mean by 'forethought'? This is very vague and it makes me uncomfortable, because it implies to me it's going to be used as a catch all advantage for Joseph to see things coming. Being able to research things doesn't really give you forethought, it means you're good at finding out and retaining information. Finally, there isn't anything in the profile to suggest Joseph would work well under pressure. This needs to either be remove or come up in the body of the biography

Disadvantages: Joseph has been shown to be extremely arrogant, displaying an inability to accept defeat. Along with that, he appears to have an almost psychological need to display his superiority through both his intelligence and physical skill. Due to his rather abrasive nature, Joseph does not make friends easily.

Actually no, he hasn't been shown to display an inability to accept defeat. It hasn't come up once in the biography. If losing is such a big deal for him then I need to see that in the profile. 'he appears to have'. No, once more with feeling; he has this need, or he does not. If he does that's actually kind've disturbing, and definitely needs to be explained at considerable length in the profile, or removed entirely/reworked into something less jarring. Also, it isn't entirely clear why that's actually a disadvantage. Why would it impact him negatively on the island?



There's a lot to get through here. Please only post that you're done when you've thoroughly worked on the edits, as there's quite a lot that requires fixing.
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This character biography has been declared abandoned by the handler, however this profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.
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