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| Renata Quincey Valentine; IN 3-D*! (*Not really) | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 20 2012, 04:08 PM (491 Views) | |
| Lord_Shadow | Nov 20 2012, 04:08 PM Post #1 |
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Eldritch Consumer, Requiem Agent
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Name: Renata Quincey Valentine Gender: Female Age: 17 Grade: 12 School: Aurora High School Hobbies and Interests: Music, Singing, Songwriting, Guitar, Mimicry Appearance: Renata stands at 5'6", weighs in at 120 lbs, with lightly flushed white skin, brown eyes, and shiny black hair. She has a round face, a small rounded nose, dark eyebrows and eyelashes, and small slightly red lips. She wears corrective lenses for farsightedness, but usually prefers to forgo glasses in favor of contacts, though she has both if needed. Still, if her contacts are unavailable for whatever reason, she prefers to go without glasses anyway. Her arms and legs are slightly longer than average for her build, but it's not enough of a difference to affect her center of gravity or movement. Renata likes dyeing her hair triweekly in various colors, rotating from the rainbow. She usually chooses darker shades but occasionally throws in a light shade for variation. Her hair is damaged from the constant improper handling and wait time between dye jobs, but Renata doesn't seem to care. As long as she gets it colored when she wants, the look and feel doesn't matter to her. She also paints her fingernails in the same manner, rotatating colors as well. Her taste in clothing is erratic and random, varied and many. But she usually sports punk inspired clothes, and favors an edgy look to her, as well as a mash up of bright colored shirts and dark or dull colored outer-wear. While she changes her style of clothing frequently, and even sports prim and proper or preppy looks from time to time, her default style is one of asymmetry, fashionable or not. She often wears no fewer than 3 layers of clothing, gloves, boots, long socks, and at least 2 belts. Renata also has a preference for neck-wear, and is frequently seen wearing a necklace or round-studded choker. She also wears a ring on every finger if at all possible, though the impracticality of such style leaves her with around 3 on each hand on average. On the day of the abduction, Renata was wearing a red corset vest, with a white t-shirt underneath, a dull brown jacket, and a frilly black miniskirt over jeans. In addition she wore a gold pendant with a fake emerald inlaid, fingerless gloves, two skull rings on her left hand and three silver rings on her right hand, two belts over her waist, as well as combat boots and long black stockings. She had dyed her hair violet and wore purple nail polish. She was wearing her glasses, and had her contacts in a pocket in the jacket. Biography: Born just outside Rouen, France to native Frenchwoman Evelyn Leblanc and Englishman Alexander Valentine, Renata was a very curious child. She, her mother, and her father lived a happy and almost idyllic life together in France. Her father was a talented musician, her mother an inspired painter. But they viewed the world in different ways, and expressed as much in their respective arts. What started as minor creative differences became bigger problems as the stresses of raising their child grew on these young parents. Alexander in particular felt stifled and boxed in by his married life. He yearned for the freedom he felt he had before the marriage. Evelyn felt he was being selfish, and pressured him into staying. But the longer they stayed together the more their differences grew and became bigger obstacles to their continued relationship. Their incompatibilities apparent, they split. Her father returned to England and his music, abandoning his family as well as giving sole custody of his daughter to her mother. Her mother took her and moved to America like her sister and extended family had done years earlier. It took almost two years for Evelyn to save the money to move, and deal with all the legal issues such a move entailed. But with some help from her sister in America, and some close friends in France, she got everything in order. Renata was 7 years old when she left the area near Rouen and came to Seattle. Despite being born in France and learning French as her first language, not much of it stuck with Renata. Her father spoke mostly English at home with her and she kept English far more. The style and grammar of English was easier for her to remember than the style and grammar of French. Though she occasionally peppers her speech with what little French she remembers to seem more cultured. She and her mother were taken in by her mother's sister and their family. Renata grew up considering Seattle her home-away-from-her-real-home. She did promise herself she'd see France again someday, if only because she felt bad about not remembering much of her life there. She made fast friends with her cousin Seth, and got along very well with her aunt Roxanne and uncle Thomas. They were happy to have her and her mother stay with their family. She was less like a niece and more like a daughter to them, and she received the same love and affection as their son did. Roxanne took a great interest in her sister's child. She told her stories, listened to her thoughts and problems, and always took time to be with her. Renata thought her aunt was the coolest person in the world. Her uncle was a little more reserved around her, but he was still very nice. He also told her many stories and encouraged her imagination. And with Seth, the two children were inseparable. They did nearly everything together, and though they fought from time to time, they always reconciled and got along like brother and sister rather than cousins. With her mother, things were a little different. For one thing, Renata reminded her mother very much of her father. Her child brought to mind a lot of fond memories, and some painful ones as well. But Evelyn didn't want to let what happened between her and Alexander affect how she treated Renata. She doted on her daughter and was very protective of her. She encouraged every interest she had and wanted to give her whatever she wanted. She wanted to keep her from getting hurt and experiencing any pain. Even so, she did seem a bit distant to Renata. Sometimes she felt that her mother was just doing what she was doing to make up for her father leaving. Sometimes she felt that if that they hadn't divorced then things might have been different. But she still loved her mother, and always made sure to have a smile on her face around her so that Evelyn would always smile as well. They both wanted to do their best for the other, even when it was difficult. When Renata first came to America, she found it difficult to interact with other children. She didn't know anyone other than her family, and didn't really want to get know other people. Renata was self-absorbed, and had an air of self-confidence bordering on cockiness. She loved making a grand display of herself any way she could, running around and making lots of noise where her favorite methods. She loved drawing attention from everyone to herself whenever she could but she rarely reciprocated her attention back to them. She acted aloof and selfish, trying to keep the topics about herself or things she liked whenever she spoke with anyone else. Though she wasn't antagonistic to anyone, her ego-centrism was a bit much for most people. As she grew and developed, her perception of others around her changed. She remained as egocentric as ever, but started considering the opinions of a select few people as being worth her attention and time. Still, most people's opinions and thoughts were not as important to her as her own. Around 10 years of age, she started mimicking the speech of nearly everyone who talked to her. She started because she liked the sound of other people's voices and she liked trying to approximate them with her own voice. The closer she came to sounding like someone else, the more happy she was. At times, it was an annoyance having Renata mimic the adults time after time, but she wasn't antagonistic with it so her mimicry didn't hurt anyone. Still, there were times that her aunt and uncle, or her mother, would do just about anything to get her to stop. While the adults viewed it as an annoyance, her cousin thought it was hilarious, and charged her to keep it up. The two of them would spend hours carrying on conversations with Renata playing someone by mimicking their voice. They thought it was great fun. But mimicry wasn't the end of her vocal talents. She started humming and singing along to any tune she heard, often matching the song quite well with just her voice. Her mother encouraged her vocal talent and bought many different genres of music for her to follow along with and improve. Renata loved music with a passion which reminded her mother very much of the girl's father. Since her father had no contact with her or her mother since their divorce, Renata didn't know much about him other than what her mother told her. Though she wanted to contact him and get to know him, it didn't happen because no one knew of a reliable way to get in touch with him. Every time she or her mother tried, he either wasn't there or refused to talk. Not really knowing what having a father was like other than his refusal to have any sort of relationship with her ate at Renata and made her resent him. It also made her sad and envious of all the kids who had both parents around. Her taste in music varied, and the genres and styles she liked were as numerous as the songs she sung. Though she didn't like every type of music. Her favorites were: alternative rock, nu metal, power metal, jazz, dream pop, prog rock, and ska punk. She flat out refused to listen to country, techno, black metal, classical, and disco among a few others. At her insistence, at the age of 14, her mother brought her to a vocal coach to teach her how to sing better. She couldn't afford a full schedule of lessons, but they worked things out with the coach. She would get fewer lessons, with a little less time for each one, but the price was a bit more manageable. Her natural vocal talent and sweet sounding voice were combined with her training to give her a pretty impressive soprano singing voice for a girl her age. It also helped her mimicry, which she still kept up, to be a bit more refined. Those people she could mimic, she mimicked far better than before. Puberty changed Renata like it did her peers. But, while her classmates started becoming interested in each other and tried to deal with the nature of their sexuality, Renata's mind was made up. She was infatuated with her cousin Seth, that was final, and no amount of social disapproval or advances by her peers would change her mind. She wanted what she wanted, taboos and problems inherent be damned. Of course, she never said so aloud, and hid it as best she could. All in all, Renata was not the most thoughtful girl, and her thoughtlessness made itself most apparent in that decision. She would find a way to have him, no matter what. The feelings stemmed from all the time they spent together as children, growing up side by side. As little kids they were the closest of friends, and almost inseparable. Though a year younger than him, Renata felt like he really understood her in a way no one else could. Although the two of them had vastly different interests, their personalities meshed well together. He helped reign in more of her outlandish nature, while she opened him up to entirely different worlds. Renata didn't stop with simply singing. She delved in writing music and songs. About two years after she started practicing with her vocal coach, he introduced her to a friend of his who wrote music. Renata took an interest in that as well and from time to time observed and asked questions about songwriting. She couldn't learn on a schedule as the songwriter was only available a handful of times, mostly to work with her coach on their own projects, but she was kind and open to teaching Renata a bit when she had some free time. Renata learned to write pop music for guitar, taking on a dream pop style like her songwriting mentor suggested. She wasn't very good at it, but her both her vocal coach and her mentor encouraged her to keep up at it. Renata tried to write her songs to be somber yet ethereal, and attempted to compose them in such a way as for the listener to get lost in the music. She scrapped most of her efforts, but a she hung on to a few of them as inspiration to make future songs better. As for the lyrical content of her songs, she wrote mostly about family. She wrote about how a family was supposed to stick together and be there for each other. Her lyrics were an outlet for her to tell how she really felt about her family situation, especially concerning her father. Whenever he came up in her thoughts, her lyrics became more angry and hateful. She tried to adapt her lyrics to the music she wrote, toning back the angry words whenever they clashed with the feel of the music. But she never erased those words. Instead, she just wrote new lines on a new copy of the song and kept the old versions in storage. Most of the lyrics to her songs were still dark and depressing even after her edits, and she kept the lyrics to herself. Whenever she performed one of her original songs, it was always music only, she kept her words and feelings that went with the song to herself. Whenever Renata played songs written by other people, she sang the lyrics. But she never sang when playing her own songs. In addition, she bought a few instructional books to try and teach herself to play guitar. She wanted to be able to play what she wrote, and practiced with an old acoustic guitar her aunt loaned her. She practiced guitar in the days between each session with her coach. Since she had a lot of time to practice playing her music, Renata became more adept at playing music than writing it. But she wasn't that much better at playing, only being slightly better at playing than writing. Still, Renata enjoyed fine tuning the sound of the songs that she wrote, and getting better at playing them. What also unfortunately encouraged her growing infatuation with him was his insistence of treating her with the utmost respect and honor no matter what. He viewed her like a sister, and protected and defended her as such, doing his best to keep her from being hurt by others. Since he was always there for her, she began to depend on him for near everything. And she took that dependence to an extreme conclusion, convincing herself they were destined to be together. This infatuation with him also changed her social dealings with both friends and strangers. She was always very protective of him, and very jealous of anyone or anything that drew his attention away from her. Even among their mutual friends she could be quite cold, mean, and sometimes outright vicious to anyone she perceived to be getting between them. This was much more apparent to other girls, as anyone who pursued an interest in Seth would find themselves getting far less than amicable treatment from Renata. Coupled with his apparent obliviousness to the obviousness of her feelings, and his protection of her, not much was ever able to part them at first. But there were rumors of course, and these rumors lost her many friends. They even served to have Seth drift away from Renata and be distant, sometimes outright ignoring her. She was an outcast, and it made her angry. But Renata didn't want to give him up, and decided that even if the entire world were against her she wouldn't stop. She ignored the words as best she could but sometimes she would lash out at the people who talked about her. She had a few scuffles here and there, and her school life as well as her relationship with her mother suffered. And even her stubborn refusal to stop took a hard blow when the DCFS got involved. The adults got into a frenzy. There were a lot of harsh and hateful speeches, threats that she would never be allowed near him again, the complete destruction of trust she had with her mother. Her aunt and uncle all but terminated their relationship with her. They stopped being friendly or encouraging and treated her like a stranger. They worked with her mother to find the two a small apartment, as they made it clear they would not tolerate her behavior around their son any more. Seth was distant, but he seemed to be a little more compassionate to her. Still, he made it clear he wouldn't put up with her actions anymore either. Her mother was distraught, and felt that Renata had betrayed their relationship. She didn't stop loving her, but she did stop trusting her. Everything Renata did was under careful scrutiny by her mother. She wasn't allowed to do anything with her cousin unless she had aunt's, uncle's, and mother's approval. Renata was angry, and treated her family just as coldly as she did her peers. She didn't stop her pursuit, but she did become less flagrant in it. Renata tried to keep things subtle. She tried to act as if she were over it and as though she were following the adult's wishes. But that anger stood deep within her, and she swore to herself she would never forgive them for taking her desire away from her like that. Advantages: Her experience with her peers, particularly in high school, will keep her always wary of others. She trusts no one but herself, and won't fall into the pitfalls of group politics. Whatever she sets her mind to, she won't give up on. As long as she remains focused, she could stave off despair for quite a bit. Disadvantages: She's headstrong and stubborn. Even if it's detrimental to her, she likely won't give up on a course of action until she gets hurt. Her abrasive personality, as well as her selfishness will clash with anyone she comes across. She's more likely to start fights with people that could help her than actually allow them to help. Edited by Lord_Shadow, Dec 11 2012, 03:10 PM.
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Proud Member of the Trans-Dimensional/Temporal Police Department... or a fugitive from justice evading them. Take your pick. Fanning the flames of war since two topics ago. And loving every minute of it. *EVIL SMILE* The Present Spoiler: click to toggle The Past Spoiler: click to toggle The Future Spoiler: click to toggle
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| BetaKnight | Nov 26 2012, 03:25 AM Post #2 |
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Hi Lord Shadow. I'll be handling Renata's profile. Currently, Renata Quincey Valentine is temporarily DENIED pending heavy revision. I'm going to be quiet frank. There are a lot of problems with this profile. The biggest problem is that a lot of details are glossed over or lacking completely. Let's go over the profile. Name: Renata Quincey Valentine Gender: Female Age: 17 Grade: 12 School: Aurora High School Hobbies and Interests: Music, Singing, Songwriting, Dancing, Mimicry, Adventuring Appearance: Renata stands at 5' 6", weighs in at 120 lbs, with lightly flushed white skin, brown eyes, and light black hair. (I’m unfamiliar with the color "light black". To the best of my knowledge, light black is gray, which would seem very unusual for a teenager. Please explain this.) Her facial features are average enough that nothing really stands out. (Average they may be, but I still need a description of her face so that other handlers can create an accurate picture of Renata. What shape is her face, what type of nose does she have, shape of her mouth, thickness of lips, shape and thickness of eyebrows and eyelashes, etc.) She wears corrective lenses for farsightedness, but usually prefers to forgo glasses in favor of contacts, though she has both if needed. Still, if her contacts are unavailable for whatever reason, she prefers to go without glasses anyway. Her arms and legs are slightly longer than average for her build, but it's not enough of a difference to affect her center of gravity or movement. Renata likes dying her hair various colors, mostly dark with the occasional light color thrown in. (You said her hair is black. That’s as dark as it gets. Do you mean she gets colored highlights?) She likewise paints her fingernails varying colors as well. (For the sake of clarification, does she change the color of her nail polish frequently or does she paint each fingernail a different color?) Her style of clothing is erratic and random. Her clothing tastes are varied and many. She often wears no fewer than 3 layers of clothing, gloves, boots, long socks, and at least 2 belts. Renata also has a preference for neck-wear, from necklaces to bands to collars complete with straps. (This doesn’t really tell me what she wears, just what she likes. What do you mean by “bands”? Do you mean chokers? Which of these does she wear on a regular basis? Also, bondage collars, “collars with straps”, aren’t dress-code compliant for school. I’ve seen chokers with small studs permitted at schools, provided they are small, rounded studs and not spikes. But collars with straps are bondage collars and would not be permitted.) She also wears a ring on every finger if at all possible, though the impracticality of such style leaves her with around 3 on each hand on average. On the day of the abduction, Renata was wearing a red corset vest, with a white t-shirt underneath, a dull brown jacket, and a frilly black miniskirt over jeans. In addition she wore a gold pendant with a fake emerald inlaid, fingerless gloves, two skull rings on her left hand and three silver rings on her right hand, a belt over her waist and one on her right arm, (Wearing a belt in a non-standard location such as on an arm would be in violation of the dress code. Since senior trip is a school activity, dress code applies.) as well as combat boots and long black stockings. Biography: Born just outside Rouen, France to Evelyn Leblanc, Despite being born in France and learning French as her first language, not much of it stuck with Renata. She learned and kept English far more, though she occasionally peppers her speech with what little French she remembers to keep an exotic flare to her. (I don’t think her classmates, who she’s gone to school with for some time, think Renata is exotic. Also, please clarify what you mean by “kept English far more”. How did she keep English? Do you mean spoke English? If her father is British, didn't he speak English to her so she could communicate with his family?) She and her mother were taken in by her mother's sister and their family. Renata grew up considering Seattle her home-away-from-her-real-home. She did promise herself she'd see France again someday. (Renata doesn’t recall French, but she remembers France? Why did she promise to go back to France? All her family is here. What is it about France that she wants to return to?) (New paragraph)Her adventurous nature stuck with her through childhood, exploring everywhere she could with her friends and family. (I’m curious. Where do five, six, seven, and eight year olds go exploring? Please elaborate on this. Where did she adventure as she got older? Does she do urban exploration or go exploring in nature settings? What difficulties has she encountered in adventuring? What is it about adventuring she enjoys? Who does she go adventuring with? How does her mother feel about her adventuring hobby?) (new paragraph)She also started mimicking the speech of near everyone who talked to her. But mimicry wasn't the end of her vocal talents. She started humming and singing along to any tune she heard, often matching the song quite well with just her voice. (At what age did she start doing this? Was it encouraged by anyone? How did they encourage it?) The girl loved music with a passion seen elsewhere only in her father.(This sentence is tonally off and implies that the only person in the world who is passionate about music is her father, whom she has not had any contact with since the divorce, according to the profile. Speaking of that, how does Renata feel about the loss of contact with her father? Has she attempted to contact him? Why or why not? How does she compensate for not having a father in her life? How does this make her feel?) Though she didn't much know him, Renata ended up being almost exactly like him. (How does she know this if she has not seen him or have contact with him? In what ways is she “exactly like” her father? Also, new paragraph for the hobbies.) Her taste in music varied, and the genres and styles she liked were as numerous as the songs she sung.(If she likes too much to tell us, then tell us what she doesn’t like to sing.) At her insistence, her mother brought her to a vocal coach to teach her how to sing better. (When did this happen? I need an age. Also, in thirteen years, they have lived with the aunt. How is her mother paying for private vocal lessons?) Her natural vocal talent and sweet sounding voice were combined with her training to give her a pretty impressive singing voice for a girl her age. It also helped her mimicry, which she still kept up, to sound more and more like the people she mimicked. (Okay, here’s the problem. Renata might be able to mimic the cadence and speech patterns of people she’s very familiar with, like family members, actors, or celebrities. However, I don’t think she could match the actual voice of multiple classmates, let alone the entire class. New paragraph again.) But Renata didn't stop with simply singing. She delved in writing music and songs as well as dancing. The songs she wrote emphasized harmony between voice and movement. She wasn't as good at songwriting and dancing as she was singing, but she loved them nonetheless. (Okay, hold on a second. This whole section is really glossed over and needs way more details. The music hobby should also be its own paragraph. Let’s start with composing [music writing]. She’s writing music? For what instrument and in what style? Who taught her how to compose music for instruments? Does she play an instrument to accompany her singing? That’s going to need a lot more detail, too. On to the singing. What topics does she write about? What genre of music do her songs best fit in? How old was she when she began doing this? Does she record her songs somehow or are they only written down? Does she share her songs with an audience, only a few select people, or does she keep them private? The dancing hobby isn’t developed at all. Does she have formal dance training or is she entirely self-taught? What styles of dancing does she practice? Modern? Ballet? Pop and Lock? Tap? Jazz? Interpretive? Street/party dancing? I need you to tell me. Where does she practice and how often? Why and when did she begin dancing? What is it about dancing that she enjoys?) Her interactions with others were spotty at first. (When is this? In kindergarten/first grade, when she first arrived? In middle school? High school? The lack of ages or times makes it incredibly difficult to establish Renata’s personal timeline.) Along with an adventurous nature (You keep talking about an adventurous nature, but it’s never really been discussed or explained. In what way is she adventurous? How is this expressed beyond curiosity? Please expand on this trait.), Renata had an air of self-confidence bordering on narcissism. (Narcissism is a clinical psychology term. It is different than being very self-confident. Something like “bordering on cockiness” would work better.) She loved making a grand display of herself with her talents, drawing attention from everyone to her whenever she could. She acted as foreign and exotic as possible to the point of ridiculousness. (At which point is she purposefully acting “foreign” and “exotic”? Most five and six year olds don’t do this so I need to know exactly what it is that she’s doing to be labeled as such and for how long she carried on this behavior. Is she speaking with an exaggerated French accent or what? If she’s older, everyone in her class would know her so they probably wouldn’t buy this sudden onset “exoticness” and "Look, I’m foreign!” without comment and criticism. I’d like to know how her attempts at being "foreign" worked out for her, socially speaking.) Though she wasn't antagonistic to anyone, her ego-centrism was a bit much for most people. Though, she did turn it down a bit whenever she was around her cousin. (Why? Why is her cousin, whom she lives with, I’m guessing based on earlier info in the profile, spared this behavior?) As she grew and developed, her perception of others around her changed. She remained as egocentric as ever, but expanded that mindset to include her friends as well as her cousin. (I'm confused as to what you mean that her egocentric mindset included her friends and cousin. Please explain.) Still, outsiders opinions and thoughts were not as important to her as her friends. (New paragraph, please. Here, I'll do it for you.) In school, she didn't put as much effort into things as she did with music. As such, she stood on the verge of failing several classes. While she had the ability to do well, she lacked the motivation. Her laziness in that regard caused her mother no end of headaches. Casually blowing off the suggestions and pleas of teachers and family, Renata did the bare minimum to get by and then only if she was going to fail for sure. She just wasn't interested in schoolwork or activities. She was interested, however, in forming her own band. But apart from music and friends, nothing really caught Renata's interest or attention. Nearly everything that could help her later on in life, she considered boring. Naturally, this left a bit behind in knowledge compared to her peers. (You’re missing a word here. Secondly; why? She was a part of the same lectures, labs, and activities as the rest of her classmates. It sounds like a lack of turning work in caused her poor grades. She has the knowledge. She simply refuses to use it. Plus, a lack of knowledge of the Battle of the Bulge is not going it impact her chances in game. This doesn’t work as a disadvantage. I, do however, love that Renata is lazy in class as I know quite a few people who were content to coast through school. This is probably the most believable element to the character so far. However, there is no mention of Renata's current GPA or her plans for herself after graduation. What is it she intends to do with herself once graduation is complete?) And of course, the changes that come to all growing children came to Renata as well. (This is really vague and tonally off. I get you’re implying puberty, so just say “When Renata hit puberty…”) But, while her classmates became interested in each other and dealt with the nature of their sexuality, Renata's mind was made up. She was infatuated with her cousin Seth, that was that, and no amount of social disapproval or advances by her peers would change her mind. She wanted what she wanted, taboos and problems inherent be damned. Of course, she never said so aloud, but her actions and demeanor were obvious to anyone paying attention. All in all, Renata was not the most thoughtful girl, and her thoughtlessness made itself most apparent in that decision. She would find a way to have him, no matter what. The feelings stemmed from all the time they spent together as children, growing up side by side. As little kids they were the closest of friends, and almost inseparable. Though a year younger than him, Renata felt like he really understood her in a way no one else could. Although the two of them had vastly different interests, their personalities meshed well together. He helped reign in more of her outlandish nature, while she opened him up to entirely different worlds with her adventuring. (New paragraph.)What also unfortunately encouraged her growing infatuation with him was his insistence of treating her with the utmost respect and honor no matter what. His pseudo-knightly chivalric ideology had him defending her from any threat and comforting her when she needed it. (Or maybe the fact that he sees her as if she were his sister, so people shouldn’t be disrespecting his sister? Just an alternative possibility since a chivalric ideology would require him to extend this attitude to ALL females he encounters. Also, as a pseudo-knight, he should be ACTIVELY discouraging her attachment/attraction since chivalry is based entirely on the concept of courtly love. That, and the very religious nature at the core of Medieval knighthood and chivalry should make this incestuous behavior repulsive to him.) She was treated more like a sister than a cousin, and she depended on him for near everything. And she took that dependence to an extreme conclusion, convincing herself they were destined to be together. This infatuation with him also changed her social dealings with both friends and strangers. She was always very protective of him, and very jealous of anyone or anything that drew his attention away from her. Even among their mutual friends she was quite cold, mean, and sometimes outright vicious to anyone she perceived to be getting between them. This was much more apparent to other girls, as anyone with even the slightest hint of interest in Seth would find themselves dealing with a very angry and vengeful Renata. Coupled with his apparent obliviousness to the obviousness of her feelings, and his protection of her, not much was ever able to part them for any significant amount of time. (Okay, I have a serious problem with this sexual attraction to her cousin. Lots of children are very close to cousins, and they even say things like “We’re going to get married.” However, children outgrow that impulse or else they face the consequences of society. Taboos are very powerful things to break. There is a strong negative reaction to taboo breakers in society. In high school society, failure to conform to “appropriate” behavior or partaking in behavior considered outside the norm is dealt with especially harshly by peers. Even perceived behaviors are swiftly and brutally tamped down. If Renata is acting possessively and attacking any female who pays any kind of attention to her cousin, there are going to be rumors. Ugly, mean, and cruel rumors that will circle endlessly through all levels of the social hierarchy because of the nature of the taboo being broken. Given the nature of the rumors, that Renata and her cousin are romantically and/or sexually involved, by law, school officials would be required to contact the Department of Children and Family Services and send someone out to the home to investigate the rumors. I cannot stress how strongly I recommend dropping this aspect of the profile. If you feel like this is vital to the character and choose not to drop it, then I need to know about the consequences of this behavior. How did Renata deal with the rumors? What did these rumors do to her relationship to her cousin? How did her friends react to these rumors? What sort of altercations/conflicts arose for Renata out of this behavior? How has she dealt with the ostracism by the majority of the school? How did the adults respond to having DCFS come to investigate the household?) (new paragraph)Their parents were likewise oblivious at first, seeing it at little more than them just continuing to be close friends into adulthood. But as time passed their parents realized what was going on, and they wanted it to stop. So after a stern talking to by her mother and some very clear warnings from her aunt and uncle, Renata promised to stop. So she did, at least whenever they were around. (If she’s doing this at school, there will be calls and emails from teachers and administrators about this behavior because it is so socially unacceptable. The adults at home will be made aware of this. So what kind of consequences does Renata face at home? And why did the adults believe she would stop, given her very headstrong and stubborn nature? Also, there is no mention of Renata's relationship with her mother. Mom had her. Mom brought her to Seattle and got her voice lessons. Mom doesn't like Renata skating through school. Mom is unhappy Renata wants to jump her cousin's bones. That is the sum total of their relationship. This tells me nothing about how these two women get along or if they get along. I want more details about Renata's relationship with not just her mom, but also her aunt and uncle since she shares living space with all three of these people. Who does Renata get along with? Who does she have conflict with? Over what? Who is her favorite? Why? How does Renata feel about her mother taking her away from her father? Do the two have conflict since Renata is "just like her father"? More details, please.) She quickly learned to pretend not to pursue her crush while in their presence, and with Seth never seeming to get it, that enabled her to keep it under wraps for much longer than before. Advantages: Her adventurous nature has left her a bit fearless. (In what way is she fearless? The only thing she has done fearlessly that was discussed in the biography is her decision to pursue her cousin. This "adventurousness" and fearlessness need to be discussed in far greater detail in the biography before they can be used as an advantage.) That fearlessness in the face of danger will let her make risky decisions with great payoff that others may hesitate to consider. (You can’t say whether risky decisions will pay off or not. That's a form of passive godmodding since you have already declared what she does will work. It forces other handlers to comply with your actions.) Her vocal talent and range of mimicry may help in setting up or springing a trap or two, depending on if she puts her focus on surviving at all costs. (Mimicry doesn’t work this way. There is no way Renata can perfectly copy everyone in the senior class. This needs to be tightened up as an advantage and be less broad. Who, specifically, can Renata mimic?) Disadvantages: Renata dresses like she's escaped an anime, pretends to be "exotic" and "foreign" despite having lived in Seattle for the majority of her life, is blatantly in love with her cousin and shows this constantly, and is exceedingly mean, abrasive, and vicious to anyone who gets attention from or gives attention to her cousin. This girl does not sound like a girl a lot of people would be friends with. To be quite honest, she sounds like an infamous person at school for her outcast-status behavior. I think she is a workable character if some of her more outlandish elements were scaled back. Having a quirky or unique character is fine, but attention to detail and providing sufficient information is a must. I realize that I have asked for a lot of revisions. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me. Once you have made all the requested expansions and edits to this profile, please drop a reply in this thread, and Renata will be given another going over. |
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| Lord_Shadow | Dec 1 2012, 09:47 PM Post #3 |
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Eldritch Consumer, Requiem Agent
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After many, many days of trying to fix this (and a few days of angsty crying over the initial denial =P ) I think I'm done with preliminary edits and got everything brought up. Don't know if I'm entirely sure if this somewhat darker vision of Renata is better, but here's hoping. Surprisingly, I do like this version of her better. (I think I might need to reevaluate my character creation thought process. o_o ) Anyway, SECOND ATTEMPT AWAY!!! Lastly, apologies for the wait. It took me a good bit longer than I thought to rework her. :V EDIT: Forgot to add her hair and fingernail color at abduction. Now it's up. Edited by Lord_Shadow, Dec 1 2012, 09:50 PM.
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Proud Member of the Trans-Dimensional/Temporal Police Department... or a fugitive from justice evading them. Take your pick. Fanning the flames of war since two topics ago. And loving every minute of it. *EVIL SMILE* The Present Spoiler: click to toggle The Past Spoiler: click to toggle The Future Spoiler: click to toggle
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| BetaKnight | Dec 6 2012, 11:54 PM Post #4 |
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Renata is still DENIED. There are still some issues with Renata, the first and foremost being her infatuation/fixation with her cousin and how it is being approached. The edits to Renata in response to this critique make the situation worse rather than improve on it. It is unacceptable for Renata to "withdraw" from reality and "not be a part of the real world" as a solution to her desire to commit incest. Also, everything else about Renata's profile describes her as obstinate, headstrong, strong-willed, impulsive, lacking self-control, and incredibly self-absorbed. Based on the way you have portrayed her, I find it really unlikely that she would just shrug and comply with the demands of her family for this to stop, especially in light of the fact that all of these people share a house so the temptation to resume would constantly surround her. Taboo topics like incest are topics that should be handled with sensitivity and not used to spice up a character or to add drama to the backstory. Historically, topics such as this have been handled poorly or done purely for the perceived entertainment and shock value of breaking taboo. I believe that your profile would be better served by removing any mention of attempted incest. Given the very public nature of her behavior, it is currently the defining aspect of the character. Since this has been an issue of contention in a couple edits already, if the next iteration isn't acceptable I will be asking for it to be dropped from the character. The next issue is that the profile is that several things are very vague, the biggest one being about Renata's clothing. Her style of clothing is erratic and random. Her clothing tastes are varied and many. She often wears no fewer than 3 layers of clothing, gloves, boots, long socks, and at least 2 belts. Renata also has a preference for neck-wear, and is frequently seen wearing a necklace or round-studded choker. She also wears a ring on every finger if at all possible, though the impracticality of such style leaves her with around 3 on each hand on average. This tells me nothing about her preferred style other than she wears clothes and a lot of accessories. I’m going to need specific details about her general clothing choices. Does Renata sport a preppy look or does she favor a more edgy style? Can she been seen wearing more punk or urban inspired looks while roaming the halls of Aurora High? You need to provide these descriptions so that other handlers can properly picture Renata. Similarly, there is an issue with the frequency and way that Renata dyes her hair. Assuming triweekly means once every three weeks and not three times a week, because she has naturally dark hair, in order to dye her hair any shade lighter, she has to bleach or ‘strip’ her hair. This is terrible for the feel and look of hair. Average time to wait between dye jobs is six to eight weeks. If she is stripping and dyeing her hair every three weeks, it is going to damage her hair and will definitely not look shiny. Hair that is dyed too frequently often takes on a straw-like feel and looks damaged. On a related note, if Renata has black hair, how are her eyebrows and eyelashes lighter in color? Every since dark haired person I know, myself included, has dark eyebrows and eyelashes. There are also typos and areas that need further fixing up. I'm just going to list them here. Appearance: Renata stands at 5' 6", (Please remove the extra space) She paints her fingernails in the same manner, rotataing (typo) colors as well. She had died (dyed) her hair violet and wore purple nailpolish (not a compound word). Biography: Born just outside Rouen, France to native Frenchwoman Evelyn Leblanc and Englishman Alexander Valentine, Renata was a very curious child. Anything she got her hands on, she studied intensely. She would place all manner of objects in her mouth and gum them for quite a bit. The objects she came across held her interest for a while, and it always seemed to be a new thing every day. (This is redundant because it is not uncommon. This is normal developmental behavior that all children do.) Despite being born in France and learning French as her first language, not much of it stuck with Renata. Her father spoke mostly English at home with her and she kept English far more, (Second time I’m asking: Also, please clarify what you mean by “kept English far more”. How did she keep English?) though she occasionally peppers her speech with what little French she remembers to seem more cultured. Around 10 years of age, she started mimicking the speech of near (typo) everyone who talked to her. But mimicry wasn't the end of her vocal talents. (Again, this needs to either be fleshed out more or dropped. Why did she start doing this? What made her start? What is it about mimicry that she enjoys? How did her family react to her repeating them constantly? I know this would cause conflict in lots of households. Was it encouraged by anyone? How did they encourage it?) Her taste in music varied, and the genres and styles she liked were as numerous as the songs she sung. (This is really vague and doesn’t tell me a whole lot. There have to be some genres and styles she likes more than others. Tell me about her favorites, not that she can sing EVERYTHING. Even trained singers don’t sing EVERY style and genre because their voices just aren’t suited to some types. You also never said what type of trained voice does Renata have? Is she an soprano, mezzo-soprano, or contralto?) She couldn't learn on a schedule as the songwriter was only available a handful of times, mostly to work with her coach on their own projects, but she was friendly enough to teach (This is awkwardly worded. Please pick a different word other than ‘friendly’.) As for the lyrical content of her songs, she wrote mostly about family. She wrote about how a family was supposed to stick together and be there for each other. Her lyrics were an outlet for her to tell how she really felt about her family situation, especially concerning her father. Whenever he came up in her thoughts, her lyrics became more angry and hateful. She tried to adapt her lyrics to the music she wrote, toning back the angry words whenever they clashed with the feel of the music. But she never erased those words. Instead, she just wrote new lines on a new copy of the song and kept the old versions in storage. Most of the lyrics to her songs were still dark and depressing even after her edits, and she kept the lyrics to herself. Whenever she performed on (typo) of her original songs, it was always music only, she kept her words and feelings that went with the song to herself. Whenever Renata played songs written by other people, she sang the lyrics. But she never sang when playing her own songs. (All of this should immediately follow the songwriting portion of the hobby since they go together.) When Renata first came to America, she found it difficult to interact with other children. (You’ve gone back in time. You were just talking about her hobby as a 16/17 year old, and now you’re talking about her as a 7 year old. Please fix this.) She didn't know anyone other than her family, and didn't really want to get know other people. Renata was self-absorbed, and had an air of self-confidence bordering on cockiness. She loved making a grand display of herself with her talents, (Please elaborate on this. What talents is she displaying? According to the profile, she didn’t start mimicry until after 10, voice lessons until 14, and music playing until she was 16.) drawing attention from everyone to her whenever she could but rarely reciprocated her attention back. She acted aloof and selfish, trying to keep the topics about herself or things she liked whenever she spoke with anyone else. Though she wasn't antagonistic to anyone, her ego-centrism was a bit much for most people. As she grew and developed, her perception of others around her changed. She remained as egocentric as ever, but started considering the opinions of a select few people as being worth her attention and time. Still, most peoples (people’s) opinions and thoughts were not as important to her as her own. She was infatuated with her cousin Seth, that was that, (tonally off) and no amount of social disapproval or advances by her peers would change her mind. The adults got into a frenzy. There were a lot of harsh and hateful speeches, threats that she would never be allowed near him again, the complete destruction of trust she had with her mother. (Okay, so then she’s got a bad relationship with her mother at the moment? Please elaborate on their current relationship status because the last time you talked about her relationship with her mother in the 4th paragraph, they both worked to keep each other happy.) That should do it. Once you have made the necessary adjustments, please drop a reply here and I will give Renata another going over. |
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| Lord_Shadow | Dec 11 2012, 03:20 PM Post #5 |
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Eldritch Consumer, Requiem Agent
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Okay, second round of edits are done. Again, apologies for the wait. (I wish I weren't so lazy. >_>) Really hoping that she goes through this time, as personally I feel that her fixation is central to her character. I'm not relishing the thought of dropping it, but if it comes to that, I'm prepared to do so. (Just REALLY hoping it doesn't come to it. *crosses fingers*) And the eyebrow and eyelash thing... honestly I don't know how I let that slip past me. For her first (pregame) appearance I planned on her being a blonde, and I guess I forgot to change that when I made her dark-haired. Also, added that she's wearing her glasses at abduction. Forgot that earlier. :V THIRD SUBMISSION, FULL SPEED AHEAD!!! (Just watch for any pitfalls. =]) |
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Proud Member of the Trans-Dimensional/Temporal Police Department... or a fugitive from justice evading them. Take your pick. Fanning the flames of war since two topics ago. And loving every minute of it. *EVIL SMILE* The Present Spoiler: click to toggle The Past Spoiler: click to toggle The Future Spoiler: click to toggle
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| BetaKnight | Dec 25 2012, 09:03 PM Post #6 |
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Sorry about the delay. Still some stuff to be worked on. Appearance: Renata stands at 5'6", weighs in at 120 lbs, with lightly flushed white skin, brown eyes, and shiny black hair. (You haven’t told me how long her hair is or what style she generally wears it in. And she isn't sporting shiny black hair. You said she dyes it triweekly, which I'm still not sure if you mean three times a week [which would result in her being bald, basically] or every three weeks.)She has a round face, a small rounded nose, dark eyebrows and eyelashes, and small slightly red lips. She wears corrective lenses for farsightedness, but usually prefers to forgo glasses in favor of contacts, though she has both if needed. Still, if her contacts are unavailable for whatever reason, she prefers to go without glasses anyway. Her arms and legs are slightly longer than average for her build, but it's not enough of a difference to affect her center of gravity or movement. Renata likes dyeing her hair triweekly in various colors, rotating from the rainbow. She usually chooses darker shades but occasionally throws in a light shade for variation. Her hair is damaged from the constant improper handling and wait time between dye jobs, but Renata doesn't seem to care. As long as she gets it colored when she wants, the look and feel doesn't matter to her. She also paints her fingernails in the same manner, rotatating (typo) colors as well. Her taste in clothing is erratic and random, varied and many. But she usually sports punk inspired clothes, and favors an edgy look to her, as well as a mash up of bright colored shirts and dark or dull colored outer-wear. While she changes her style of clothing frequently, and even sports prim and proper or preppy looks from time to time, her default style is one of asymmetry, fashionable or not. (Need more specifics. What about her clothing is punk inspired? This doesn't tell me a whole lot about her look other than she wears a bunch of stuff, at different times, in different combinations. This needs more details so that people can picture Renata.) She often wears no fewer than 3 layers of clothing, gloves, boots, long socks, and at least 2 belts. Renata also has a preference for neck-wear, and is frequently seen wearing a necklace or round-studded choker. She also wears a ring on every finger if at all possible, though the impracticality of such style leaves her with around 3 on each hand on average. Despite being born in France and learning French as her first language, not much of it stuck with Renata. Her father spoke mostly English at home with her and she kept English far more. (For like the THIRD TIME: What do you mean by ‘kept English’? How does one keep English?) The style and grammar of English was easier for her to remember than the style and grammar of French. Though she occasionally peppers her speech with what little French she remembers to seem more cultured. She and her mother were taken in by her mother's sister and their family. Renata grew up considering Seattle her home-away-from-her-real-home. She did promise herself she'd see France again someday, if only because she felt bad about not remembering much of her life there. Around 10 years of age, she started mimicking the speech of nearly everyone who talked to her.(Okay, here’s the deal: there is no way for Renata to accurately and with any kind of skill mimic “nearly everyone who talked to her”. It’s just not possible for reasons that have been discussed in earlier edits. Realistically, she could probably do about 10 people to the point where she actually sounds like them.) She started because she liked the sound of other people's voices and she liked trying to approximate them with her own voice. The closer she came to sounding like someone else, the more happy she was. At times, it was an annoyance having Renata mimic the adults time after time, but she wasn't antagonistic with it so her mimicry didn't hurt anyone. Still, there were times that her aunt and uncle, or her mother, would do just about anything to get her to stop. While the adults viewed it as an annoyance, her cousin thought it was hilarious, and charged her to keep it up. The two of them would spend hours carrying on conversations with Renata playing someone by mimicking their voice. They thought it was great fun. But mimicry wasn't the end of her vocal talents. (NEW PARAGRAPH.) She started humming and singing along to any tune she heard, often matching the song quite well with just her voice. Her mother encouraged her vocal talent and bought many different genres of music for her to follow along with and improve. Renata loved music with a passion which reminded her mother very much of the girl's father. Since her father had no contact with her or her mother since their divorce, Renata didn't know much about him other than what her mother told her. Though she wanted to contact him and get to know him, it didn't happen because no one knew of a reliable way to get in touch with him. Every time she or her mother tried, he either wasn't there or refused to talk. Not really knowing what having a father was like other than his refusal to have any sort of relationship with her ate at Renata and made her resent him. It also made her sad and envious of all the kids who had both parents around. (You mean like her beloved and wonderful cousin, who lives with both his parents? How did this resentment manifest in their relationship?) Puberty changed Renata like it did her peers. But, while her classmates started becoming interested in each other and tried to deal with the nature of their sexuality, Renata's mind was made up. She was infatuated with her cousin Seth, that was final, (Tonally off. Remove it.) and no amount of social disapproval or advances by her peers would change her mind. She wanted what she wanted, taboos and problems inherent be damned. Of course, she never said so aloud, and hid it as best she could. All in all, Renata was not the most thoughtful girl, and her thoughtlessness made itself most apparent in that decision. She would find a way to have him, no matter what. The feelings stemmed from all the time they spent together as children, growing up side by side. As little kids they were the closest of friends, and almost inseparable. Though a year younger than him, Renata felt like he really understood her in a way no one else could. Although the two of them had vastly different interests, their personalities meshed well together. He helped reign in more of her outlandish nature, while she opened him up to entirely different worlds. (The fact that they were raised together and view each other in a sibling-like light makes Renata’s attraction more revolting, not more understandable. I don’t see why being sexually attracted to her cousin is necessary to the profile, especially since they are not going to be a couple. The fact that Renata tries to hide this attraction shows me that Renata knows it is wrong. Also, her hiding it goes against her “everything else be damned” attitude since if she didn’t give a damn that people would strongly disapprove, she wouldn’t be hiding it in the first place. It would be more socially acceptable for Renata to be very close to her cousin and perhaps block girls she found unsuitable or unworthy of his attention and be very domineering/controlling of his social circle without wanting to have a sexual or romantic relationship.) Renata didn't stop with simply singing. She delved in writing music and songs. About two years after she started practicing with her vocal coach, he introduced her to a friend of his who wrote music. Renata took an interest in that as well and from time to time observed and asked questions about songwriting. She couldn't learn on a schedule as the songwriter was only available a handful of times, mostly to work with her coach on their own projects, but she was kind and open to teaching Renata a bit when she had some free time. Renata learned to write pop music for guitar, taking on a dream pop style like her songwriting mentor suggested. She wasn't very good at it, but her both her vocal coach and her mentor encouraged her to keep up at it. Renata tried to write her songs to be somber yet ethereal, and attempted to compose them in such a way as for the listener to get lost in the music. She scrapped most of her efforts, but a she hung on to a few of them as inspiration to make future songs better. As for the lyrical content of her songs, she wrote mostly about family. She wrote about how a family was supposed to stick together and be there for each other. Her lyrics were an outlet for her to tell how she really felt about her family situation, especially concerning her father. Whenever he came up in her thoughts, her lyrics became more angry and hateful. She tried to adapt her lyrics to the music she wrote, toning back the angry words whenever they clashed with the feel of the music. But she never erased those words. Instead, she just wrote new lines on a new copy of the song and kept the old versions in storage. Most of the lyrics to her songs were still dark and depressing even after her edits, and she kept the lyrics to herself. Whenever she performed one of her original songs, it was always music only, she kept her words and feelings that went with the song to herself. Whenever Renata played songs written by other people, she sang the lyrics. But she never sang when playing her own songs. In addition, she bought a few instructional books to try and teach herself to play guitar. She wanted to be able to play what she wrote, and practiced with an old acoustic guitar her aunt loaned her. She practiced guitar in the days between each session with her coach. Since she had a lot of time to practice playing her music, Renata became more adept at playing music than writing it. But she wasn't that much better at playing, only being slightly better at playing than writing. Still, Renata enjoyed fine tuning the sound of the songs that she wrote, and getting better at playing them. What also unfortunately encouraged her growing infatuation with him was his insistence of treating her with the utmost respect and honor no matter what. He viewed her like a sister, and protected and defended her as such, doing his best to keep her from being hurt by others. Since he was always there for her, she began to depend on him for near everything. And she took that dependence to an extreme conclusion, convincing herself they were destined to be together. This infatuation with him also changed her social dealings with both friends and strangers. She was always very protective of him, and very jealous of anyone or anything that drew his attention away from her. Even among their mutual friends she could be quite cold, mean, and sometimes outright vicious to anyone she perceived to be getting between them. This was much more apparent to other girls, as anyone who pursued an interest in Seth would find themselves getting far less than amicable treatment from Renata. Coupled with his apparent obliviousness to the obviousness of her feelings, and his protection of her, not much was ever able to part them at first. (Okay, you just went from talking about her musical interests to “What also unfortunately encouraged her growing infatuation…” There was nothing in the music paragraphs that talked about encouraging her infatuation with her cousin, so I’m kind of confused as to the flow of thoughts here.) There’s nothing about Renata as a student. I see nothing about whether or not she enjoys schools, her favorite and least favorite subjects, her current GPA, or her post-graduation goals for herself. There's also no mention of where Renata is in currently located in the school hierarchy. I don't need a list of friends, but I do need to know who she's [attempting] to hang out with and how that's going for her. Once you take care of those issues, drop a reply and I'll give Renata another going over. |
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| MurderWeasel | Jan 9 2013, 01:27 PM Post #7 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff. |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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3:58 AM Jul 11