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Jake Hirohashi
Topic Started: Sep 29 2012, 10:35 PM (496 Views)
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In some cultures, what I do is considered normal.
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Welcome back, Shoji. Currently, Jake Hirohashi is temporarily DENIED pending adjustments to the profile. Let's go over what needs to be worked on still.

Name: Jake Hirohashi
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Listening to music, playing guitar, a member of the book club, drawing, taking walks, going to thrift stores, going to concerts (There are still too many descriptors here. This should be just a list of hobbies and interests. So it should read something like ‘Hobbies and Interests: Music, guitar, Book Club, drawing, walking, thrift store shopping, and concerts’. Although honestly, music and concerts could probably be combined into a single hobby/interest which you elaborate on in the biography section.)

Appearance: Jake is extremely thin and lanky for his age. About 5' 9" tall and 119 lbs. (Issue one: the second sentence is a sentence fragment since it does not have a subject. Issue two: 5’9 and 119 pounds is pretty severely underweight. In fact, here is what the Center for Disease Control says on this height/weight combo: “Based on the height and weight entered, the BMI is 17.6 , placing the BMI-for-age at the 2nd percentile for boys this age. This teen is underweight and should be seen by a healthcare provider for further assessment to determine possible causes of underweight.” Since this is very seriously underweight, you will need to discuss WHY Jake is so underweight and what has been done to address this health issue in much greater detail in the biography.) Because of how his body has grown in relation to his skin, he has many small stretch marks on his back. (What do you mean by stretch marks on his back? Unless Jake underwent one heck of a growth spurt, his skin should have kept pace with his body. This needs to be discussed in much greater detail in the biography or dropped.)

His hair is a dark brown colour and his eyes are black, both traits come from his father's genes. His hair is quite flat and he keeps it short. His mother insists on making sure it stays at a fixed length and cuts it herself. His hair never gets in his eyes because he usually brushes his bangs, which are longer than the rest of his hair. He has sideburns, though he does not maintain them very well. His mother usually overlooks this in the attempt to get him to shave properly, though she will trim them when she gives him his haircuts. He has a half inch patch on the top of his head where his hair is thinner which was caused by self inflicted hair pulling during anxiety over a period of several years. (The name of this condition is trichotillomania. Please use correct terminology to describe conditions in the profile. Also, since trichotillomania is a serious condition, I need to see it explained in the biography when this behavior began, how it was addressed by Jake and his parents, what treatment if any was sought, and when it stopped.)

Jake is average looking and not the kind of guy that the girls in school rave about. His face is long and thin, with a prominent and slightly crooked nose. His eyes are far apart from each other. Not unusual for a person of his age, he has acne which he manages to keep under control with medication. He always has bags under his eyes because he often stays up late. His skin is pale with his cheeks and nose a brighter colour from exposure to the sun. He has a scar above his hairline from an accident. He is nearsighted and must wear glasses at all times to see properly.

He has rather poor posture. He is always slightly hunched over and slouches when he sits. He has very long arms so this makes them appear even longer in relation to his body. His arms are thin and are only slightly muscular. Jake's legs are above average in length and his calves have pronounced muscles because of the daily walks he goes on. (I have some questions about these “longer than average” arms and legs. First of all, if his arms and legs are so much longer than normal, why are there stretch marks on Jake’s back? I’d also like to know *exactly* how much longer than normal Jake’s proportions are.)

Jake likes to dress well. Despite teasing from friends and fellow students, he often wears suit jackets and ties. Because of his thin build, these jackets are often too big for him. When he does find a jacket that fits him, the pants that go with it are usually too short. Normally, he will buy a jacket from a thrift store and try to find matching pants separately. He prefers patterned ties over plain ones. Jake never wears shorts, and rarely wears tee-shirts unless the weather is very hot. Usually in warm weather he will wear a light button-down shirt and khakis. For footwear, he has several pairs of boots which he wears with everything.

Biography: Jake in Seattle to a Canadian mother, Janet Muller, and a Japanese father, Mori Hirohashi. (You’re missing some words here. Also, there needs to be an explanation as to why a Canadian citizen and a Japanese citizen are living and working in the United States.) He is an only child. His mother is freelance artist who illustrates children's books. Her job allows her to work at home, but she is often very busy with deadlines. Still, she manages to make time for her son when he needs her or just wants someone to talk to. His father is a journalist who writes for the arts (this should be capitalized) section of the Seattle Times and will sometimes writes (write; singular) articles for The Stranger. He often works at home as well, but will occasionally go to the office. Jake has a good relationship with both of them. (This needs more expansion. There is no mention of Jake’s relationship with his father. Please elaborate on the “good relationship” they all have.)

When his family moved to the United States, Jake was three and had not had the time nor the experience to make any friends. (I’m confused. The first sentence of the biography implies that Jake was born in Seattle. If his family didn’t live in the US, why were they here in the US when Jake was born? Where did they live prior to moving to America? Also, why did the Hirohashi family move to the United States? Moving is a very expensive and time-consuming undertaking. Moving to a new country is even more expensive and time-consuming because of the legal paperwork required since no adult in the family is a US citizen. Please explain why they moved to the US, and where they move to. To be honest, I would just have them be American citizens of Canadian and Japanese descent. It does not really add anything to the profile other than unnecessary complication. Issue 2 - What do you mean; Jake didn't have the time to make friends? Was his daily schedule very busy? Please elaborate on that.) Because of his artistic parents, Jake has always had an interest in music, reading and drawing. Before iPods, he had many CDs and tapes in his room which he would put on whenever he felt like relaxing or being artistic. He now has an iPod filled with thousands of songs from hundreds of artists. (iPods were released in 2001, making Jake roughly seven years old when they came out. How many CDs and tapes did Jake have? What types of music did young Jake have? Have his tastes changed? Or is 18 year old Jake listening to the same music as 7 year old Jake did? When did Jake receive his iPod and what happened to his collection of tapes and CDs?) His shelves are full of books of a large variety of genres and subject matters. He is a fan of American and Japanese comic books. (Such as? Give some examples of Jake’s favorites and why he likes them. Also, keep in mind; you’re talking about Jake’s childhood here. I’m going to need you to somehow make this current up to Jake being a senior in high school.)

Because of his frail, nerdy appearance and choice of clothing, Jake was often bullied in school. (Okay, so Jake has always worn a suit and tie to school? Even as a kindergartener? His parents sent him to school in a suit, dress shirt and tie, and boots every day?) He also had trouble paying attention in class and got into small but frequent arguments with teachers because he didn't agree with what or how they were teaching. (What? He’s like five? How do five year olds disagree with how the teacher teaches?) After some testing it was discovered that Jake is autistic and has Asperger's Syndrome. (When was this discovered? How old was he when he was diagnosed? What kinds of therapy and treatment has Jake undergone? Also, autism and Asperger’s Syndrome are both on the Autism Spectrum. Asperger’s is considered to be high functioning autism. You need to clarify this and provide way more detail that is currently given.) He also suffers from mild depression and anxiety. (I need to know when and how was this discovered because they wouldn't be getting these results from an autism diagnosis.)

This caused tension between Jake, who was frustrated at his teachers not being able to understand him and the teachers, who's jobs at the this school required them to follow rigid systems. He had a few friends who would stand up for him, but eventually the bullying from other students, and disagreements with teachers got so bad and frequent that his parents pulled him out of school, put him on fluoxetine for his depression and anxiety and taught him at home until junior-high. (Yeah, sorry, no. His parents can’t “put him on” anything as they are not DOCTORS. It is against the law for any sort of pharmacy to provide medication without a prescription from a licensed physician or medical profession. Also, doctors don’t diagnose anxiety and depression. Psychiatrists do. Well, psychiatrists and psychologists, but only one of those has the ability to prescribe medications.) At home, he was given lessons on all the usual subjects, as well as philosophy, logic (there should be a comma after the world logic) and critical thinking.

In junior-high (Junior high is not hyphenated. You’ve done it again, hyphenating this phrase over and over in the profile. Please find every instance of this and fix it.), Jake learned how to play guitar with a combination of lessons (From whom? Is he in a guitar class at school? Does he take private lessons after school? Is one of his parents teaching him? A friend? A relative? Watching instruction videos on Youtube? You need to specify.) and listening to his favourite music. (And what is Jake’s “favorite music”? You haven’t told me.) He started using computer software to record his own songs. Eventually, he perfected his style, and started recording music with friends. (What is his style? What friends? He was homeschooled until he started junior high and he has Asperger’s, so his social skills are probably in need of development. Who are his friends and how did he meet them?) Despite this, he has never been in a band.

When Jake was on a hike, he tripped and hit his head on a jagged rock while hiking with his parents. It was a very minor accident which didn't need to be treated at a hospital, but it left him with a permanent bump on his head. (You didn’t mention a bump in his appearance. You said he has a scar. And if it left a permanent bump, why didn’t his parents ever have the bump examined by a doctor?)

Near the end of junior-high, Jake learned that he was severely underweight, and tried his best to eat more than he was used to. However, he could only stomach so much before getting sick, so he started taking long walks to increase his appetite. It turned out to do practically nothing, and he still remains underweight. (Yeah, Jake’s not a little underweight. This isn’t something people would just “notice”. It would be an on-going condition. He’s a full point and a half below normal. This needs to be addressed with much greater detail, especially in light of his other medical and mental health conditions. Since this is also supposed to explain Jake’s walking hobby, you need to go into much more detail [at least a paragraph’s worth of text] about his walking. Where does he go walking? For how long does he go walking? How often? Does he walk the same route or different ones? How does he pick his routes and why does he pick them? What is it about walking that Jake enjoys?)

In the summer before high school, Jake suffered several colds, one after another and became mildly Pathophobic (do not capitalize, this is not a proper noun) as a result, fearing sore throats above all other symptoms, because of the pain they caused him in doing things that are normal, like eating and talking. (This is a run-on sentence. Please fix that.) Jake has still not come to terms completely with his phobia. He will attempt to hide it from other people, but will avoid crowds if he can help it and become nervous during allergy season or when someone around him shows symptoms of an illness. He often carries a bottle of hand sanitizer with him.

Jake started going to Aurora High School and became popular with the less outgoing of his classmates. Because of his intelligence, independent thinking and overall pleasantness to be around, (People with Asperger's aren't usually known for their 'overall pleasantness to be around. Please elaborate more on what makes Jake so skilled when dealing with people, considering he spent more years not in contact with others than he did in public school.) he gained several friends as well as establishing good teacher/student relationships. (You’re switching tenses in this paragraph. You begin in the past tense and then move to the present. Please fix that.) When a teacher says something he does not agree with, he will sometimes make subtle suggestions to his annoyance, (Please explain what you mean by “subtle suggestions of his annoyance”. I don’t understand.) but largely remain(s) quiet until after lessons where he will express his annoyance to his friends.

He started drawing romance comics to make up lack of a love life. However in 11th grade, he began a relationship with a girl which lasted until the end of the year. The girl moved too fast for Jake, and wanted to begin a more intimate relationship with him though he felt he wasn't ready. As a result, the girl left him, and he became prudent and cautious about relationships. He found solace in the book club, and used it as an opportunity to meet other people with an interest in literature and comics. (What is Jake’s interest in literature besides comic books? Nothing was discussed elsewhere in the biography.)

Though he never believed in God or gods to begin with, Jake came out as a prominent atheist in 12th grade on social networking sites and in school where he expressed his views to his friends. He doesn't see anything wrong with religious people as long as they don't rub their faith in his face, but sees many flaws in religion itself. He is very politically outspoken with far left leaning thoughts. Though he will get worked up when faced with someone with political or religious beliefs that finds to be against his personal moral code, (What is his moral code? Please elaborate.) he is a good diplomat when he calms down and listens to the other side of the argument. (In what way is he a good diplomat?)

(There is no mention of Jake’s thrift store shopping interest anywhere in the biography. Nor is there any current information about Jake other than he announced his atheism during his senior year. There is no talk about what kind of student he is, what is current GPA is, what is favorite and least favorite classes are, where he fits in the school social hierarchy, or what his plans are for himself after graduation. Most of his hobbies are underdeveloped and require more details, as been explained above.

Also, in the Advantages and Disadvantages section, you are introducing lots of material that has not been included in the Biography. The Advantages and Disadvantages are a brief summary/recap of things you have explained earlier. This is not the place to introduce new information. Also, the Advantages and Disadvantages should be fairly balanced in number and severity. Currently, you have two Advantages and five Disadvantages. You need to come up with at least one more Advantage for Jake.)

Advantages: Jake is a rational thinker. For every problem, there should be a logical solution. (The struckthrough line belongs in the biography some where, not in the Advantages section.) Jake is a very kind and moral person, and tries to be a peacemaker in a group, even if he is at breaking point himself. (There was no mention or discussion of Jake being a peacemaker and super kind person anywhere in the biography. Also, morals are extremely subjective. According to whom is Jake so moral?) He has strong legs and can walk for extended periods of time before resting.
Disadvantages: Jake doesn't always follow his own advice and occasionally acts without thinking. (Again, no mention anywhere in the biography…) He doesn't like it when people disagree with him and though he tries to be polite about it, it often seems that he is being cold. He is cautious about girls. Though he has no problem working with them at a professional level, he often mistakes friendly advances for flirting and will become awkward and jumpy. He is physically weak in the upper part of his body (Where is this explained and discussed? I didn’t see it anywhere.) and needs to wear glasses at all times. He must take 10 mg fluoxetine pills daily to keep his anxiety and depression at bay. (The dosage and frequency of his medication should really be spelled out in the biography section, not here in the disadvantages. And why isn't his pathologic fear of germs and illness a disadvantage?)

Okay, that should about take care of Jake for now. Address the issues that have been raised by editing the profile. Once you've made all of the requested edits, drop a reply here and I'll give Jake another going over. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.
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