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Veronica McDonald
Topic Started: Mar 5 2012, 05:13 PM (1,177 Views)
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Name: Veronica McDonald
Gender: Female
Age: 18
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Internet, Archery, Reading, Cats, Hiking, Track

Appearance: Veronica somewhat stands out. She stands at 5’8” and 146lbs. Veronica's skin is a tan color. Her usually straight and thick ash-black hair is often messy and tied back into a ponytail. Her eyes are an icy, pale blue, and not the stereotypical Asian almond-shape, but round. Her nose is slightly small. Her eyebrows aren't really unusual: sort of a long-raindrop shape. Veronica Has thin lips. Her ‘curves’ are almost non-existent.

Veronica was wearing this during the abduction: a pair of khaki shorts, a Persian blue sweater, and some sneakers. On different days, she can wear multicolored v-necks, gag shirts from Smosh or South Park, jeans or cargo pants, and the occasional loafers. On special occasions, like a senior trip or an important test, she’ll wear a golden locket, with a picture of her cat, Feather.

Biography: She was born as a Korean-Swede (With some Scottish heritage on her father's side), born to Myung-Hee Song and Patrick McDonald (both are computer technicians) in Arlington Heights, Illinois. She has an older brother, Mark (Age 21) and two younger ones: Harris (Age 15) and Connor (Age 13).

Veronica has been hot-headed and rash once she was able to speak to her siblings. The behavior usually elevates when with strangers.

The mixed heritage she has doesn't really affect her other than the fact that they speak both Swedish and Korean in the household, in the form of her parents talking to each other in both languages. Most kids don't notice it, they just think she's Korean. She's not keen on correcting them.

Ever since Mark was old enough to be a Boy Scout, Veronica was dragged around on camping trips and such. Her brothers followed in Mark’s footsteps, becoming Boy Scouts and ‘being prepared’ at the age of 6. She loved this, but due to her stereotypes, she didn't join Girl Scouts, thinking it was too 'girly'.

Her family life is smooth. She and her parents often get along, and the relationship with her siblings can be described as 'strong'. She doesn't usually lash out on them because of two things: she respects them, and they're not allowed to swear at home. Out of her siblings, she likes Mark the most. During family outings, Veronica will always go with Mark, mainly due to his overall kindness.

When she was 11, she and her family moved when her parents' employers relocated them. She then had to deal with having her parents getting home much later. She wasn't used to the new setting, though. She had trouble making friends, because of the fact that she was the new kid in town. Negative rumors were spreading about various things, mostly calling her weird.

As a result of having sociable siblings and parents who came home late, Veronica found her self alone a lot past the age of 13, the age at where she seemed old enough to stay home alone. The time alone was often filled with aimlessly wandering the internet. Mostly on Youtube, and maybe deviantArt and TvTropes. That eventually went stale, she began to take up other things.

When she was 14, she found Harris’ old bow and arrow. She knew the basics from watching her siblings doing it, so she tried. She was sloppy, but kept at it. She checked the internet, and even going through her brother's Boy's Life magazines. She got progressively better.

A few weeks later, she hopped on her bike and went to the library. Veronica randomly chose a Warrior Cats book and began to read it. She instantly loved the book series, and developed an interest in cats.

She started to take jogs around the neighborhood, and hiking in the nearby forest, notably to try to see if she could try to stay out at the time, as her parents usually don't tolerate being out after school until they got home.

When her parents found out found out about her hobbies (Around when she was 16), they weren’t outraged. They were glad that their daughter was outdoorsy too. As a gift, they got her Feather, a light gray female kitty. She was overjoyed. She took great responsibility in Feather. She began to read more about cats and by then, cats were her favorite animal.

Veronica, encouraged by their support, joined the track, and made few more friends. Her preferred events are the long distance runs.

She has excellent history and science grades and average math and language arts grades. She takes school seriously, knowing that her grades could get her into a good college, and a good job, and economic stability. Though her grades are sagging lately (except PE) she’s good to go. She's not artistically talented, though, which reflects in her Art grade.

Socially, she’s not so well-off. Her reputation at Aurora started off with her punching a girl in the face at age 14 for calling her a ‘dyke’ (She’s not a lesbian, but bisexual.). Thus, she got several detentions. This has led to verbal fights that stemmed into more verbal fights in and out of school. Veronica was seen as a hot-tempered person. She was at the point where she would jump the gun and argue over insults and such. Anybody who does seem likable to her will have a hard time gaining her trust, and will have to live with her hot-headed, rash and reckless personality.

The aforementioned bisexuality is a new thing to her. As she grew older, she realized that is was possible to like people of the same sex. Veronica found girls to be moderately attractive, and guys are attractive as well. The only person to know about this in her family is Mark.

Veronica is stubborn, and holds her ground on an argument. She's yelled at a lot of people, leading to many enemies at school. She’s also fiercely loyal, and will defend a friend, even if she doesn’t agree with the said friend. Around her friends and track teammates, she's usually funny in a mischievous way, and often stays quiet, due to this being her 'down-time' to relax. Veronica believes herself to be a optimist.

Advantages: If she runs into a friend, they’ll instantly become allies. If not, she can run long distances in order to get away. She has experience with archery. Veronica can also scale rough terrain thanks to hiking experience.
Disadvantages: Veronica has made many enemies at school and is hard to get along with. She is hot-headed and cocky.

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Ruggahissy
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Augh, so cute and new, fresh out the oven.

My name is Ruggahissy! Please don't be fightened, shuuuushhhh shuuuusshhhh, I won't hurt you O________O.


Believe it or not, I've been given power in this place, specifically the power to critique your character profile! Let's beging before someone notices that oversight in hiring practices. Veronica is temporarily Denied, but I think we can get her through with some sprucing up.

First thing's first! You've got a few typos that need to be ironed out.

"Anybody who does seem likable to her will have a hard time trusting her, and will have to live with her agnorant, rash and reckless personality."

"She has experience with archery, and has a great distain for most of her classmates"

"As said before, Veronica has man enemies at school, and is hard to get along with. So if a non-friend becomes an ally, they won’t be after a few days with her agnorant , cocky self."


Onward to the content


-Veronica is 5'8'' and 122 pounds. According to the Body Mass Index, her number is 18.5 which is just enough to consider her unhealtily underweight. I'd like it if you threw a few more pounds on her or explained why she's so underweight.

- I'd like a little more to her physical description to help me know what this cutie looks like! Her hair is black. Is it straight? Curly? Thin? Thick? What shape are her eyes? How about her face? Her lips? Eyebrows? What color is her skin?

- I'm a tiny bit confused when you say her wardrobe consists of khakis and a blue sweater. That makes me think she's like a cartoon character and her whole wardrobe is nothing but that. Do you mean that that's what she was wearing when she was abducted for SOTF? What sort of clothes does she normally wear? Also I think it's mega cute she's got a locket with her cat, Feather in it >_<.

- How long were Mark and the other boys boy scouts for? How did Veronica feel about camping trips and out doorsy stuff that she kept getting dragged to? She hates it? She loves it and joined girl scouts? She can take it or leave it?


"Sometime when she was 11, they moved to Seattle because her parents’ work moved. She then had to deal with having her parents getting home much later, and having a hard time making friends, marking her as a loner."

- That first bit is kindda awkawrd. I think it might flow better as " When she was 11, she and her family moved when her parents' employers relocated them." On that note, what is it that her parents do for a living?

- The second part of the sentence is also kindda weird. Her parents get home much later so it becomes more difficult for her to make friends? How are the two related?

"Of course, in a house with boys going out often with friends after school and parents who work until 5, but return around 6 to 7 due to distance, she found herself often alone in the house from age 13 onwards."

- This sentence is a bit of a run on. I get what you're getting at though. Something like "As a result of having sociable siblings and parents who came home late, Veronica found her self alone a lot past the age of 13."

- Also, how come past the age of 13? She moves with her family to Seattle at 11 and you say they get home late cause they work far. So, haven't the been working at the same place since they moved there when she was 11? It's a nit pick, but she would have started being alone then.

- When she comes upon her brother's bow and arrow, this is the first time I'm hearing about it. Did he do archery before as a boyscout? Also, it's kindda hard to shoot an arrow. How much does Veronica practice? Has she thought about lessons to get better or competing?

"She started to take jogs around the neighborhood, and hiking in the nearby forest, partly due to bullies calling her ‘fat’."

-This girl is underweight O_O. I don't think anyone would be calling her fat.

"The rest of her life is uneventful, up until she gets her license."

- You can just take that out. It doesn't add much.



"You know that ‘Asians get good grades’ stereotype? Well, in Veronica’s case, it’s partly true. She has excellent History and Science grades, average Math and LA grades, and perfect PE grades. She takes school seriously, knowing that her grades could get her into a good college, and a good job, and economic stability. Though her grades are sagging lately (except PE) she’s good to go. The only bad class? Art. She’s just horrible at it. You give her a piece of paper and tell her to draw a cat, you’ll get a drawing that somewhat resembles a hippogriff."


- This paragraph has a tonal issue. The profiles are supposed to read as if written by an impartial third party, in this case, by one of the terrorists. Take out the first bit about Asians getting good grades and just start the paragraphs with "She has excelent history and science grades and average math and (language arts?) grades. Also, the subjects doesn't need to be capitalized. On the same notw, just say that the only subject with which she struggles is art as she is not very artistically talented.


"Socially, she’s not so well-off. Her reputation at Aroura started off with her punching a girl in the face for calling her a ‘dyke’ (She’s not a lesbian, but bisexual.). Thus, Veronica was seen as a hot-tempered cock. Anybody who does seem likable to her will have a hard time trusting her, and will have to live with her agnorant, rash and reckless personality. Veronica is stubborn, and holds her ground on an argument. She can fight as well, leading to many, many enemies at school. She’s also fiercely loyal, and will defend a friend, even if she doesn’t agree with the said friend."

- Ba-wha O_O? This is the first time I've heard about her having a bad temper or being mistrustful, arogant, rash or reckless! Up until this point she just seemed like a quiet, shy girl who didn't make friends because the move away from home sort of jarred her. I had no idea about any of this stuff. And since when does she fight people? And what friends are she loyal to when you told me before that she was a loner?

- On that note, what sort of people is she friends with? Did she eventually learn to socialize after the move enough to make some new friends?

- Times when these personality traits would have come out before now: with her family. Tell me how she gets along with her brothers? How does she get along with her parents? I have two different impressions of Veronica now that we've this paragraph. Was she like this as a kid?



"has a great distain for most of her classmates."

- I don't really feel like hating all your classmates counts as an advantage. Why does she dislike them anyway?


"As said before, Veronica has man enemies at school, and is hard to get along with. So if a non-friend becomes an ally, they won’t be after a few days with her agnorant, cocky self."

- I feel like this can be broken up a bit. "Veronica has made many enemies at school and is hard to get along with. She is arogant and cocky."

- Up at the top in the interests it says she's on track. If she's on the track team, give me a little bit about how she came to join track team in the biography.


When you've got the edits made, post here and I'll give it another look!







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I'm pretty sure it's OK
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Ruggahissy
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I do apologize for the time it took me to get back to this, I had a bit of a hectic week at school with midterm tests. Alrighty, Veronica is looking better, but there's still a few things to be changed before she can go through.

Appearance is all square. Looks great. Moving on....


-I can't believe I didn't ask this on the first run through but, what exactly is it that her parents do for a living?

"Ever since Mark was old enough to be a Boy Scout, Veronica was dragged around on camping trips and such. Her brothers followed in Mark’s footsteps, becoming Boy Scouts and ‘being prepared’ at the age of 6. She loved this, but due to her stereotypes, she didn't join Girl Scouts, thinking it was too 'girly'. Besides, she's been ignorant and rash once she was able to speak to her siblings."


"When she was 11, she and her family moved when her parents' employers relocated them. She then had to deal with having her parents getting home much later. She wasn't used to the new setting, though. She had trouble making friends, as the whole 'new kid' thing goes. Plus, she was often bad-mouthed and reckless, seeming to be dangerous."

-The ends of both of these sentences are a little odd. They both tell me about her personality but (especially the example in the first paragraph) it's sort of tacked on. If you could put those in the last paragraph you have that details her personality and add to it, that would be super. Also having "besides" and "plus" are unnecessary and don't fit with the tone of a very formally written profile (remember, written by one of the terrorists. These guys aren't much for fun or casual banter).

- It says that she gets into friendly squabbles with her siblings, but you go on to say that she's very hot headed and reacts recklessly. Is she like that with her brothers or is there a reason she's calmer when arguing with them?

- In what ways is she reckless or dangerous?

- For that matter, how is she ignorant? Ignorance means "lacking knowledge or awareness in general; uneducated or unsophisticated." However you say that she's very smart and gets good grades.


"Anybody who does seem likable to her will have a hard time trusting her, and will have to live with her ignorant, rash and reckless personality."

- This is saying how other people will react to Veronica. You don't really know how some handlers or characters will respond to her, so I don't know if you can say they would have a hard time trusting her, especially without a clearer reason.

"Veronica is stubborn, and holds her ground on an argument. She can fight as well, leading to many, many enemies at school."

- So far that I've read, Veronica has gotten into one fight, the one with the girl who used a slur relating to her sexuality. I don't believe one fight qualifies her as being able to fight well, or that one fight would lead to many many enemies at school, especially considering the circumstances. By the way, was she punished for her knock out punch? Detention? Suspension? How old was she when the fight happened?

- If you can expand a bit more on her hobby of cats so that I know what her hobby entails (reading about cats, taking care of her cat, working at a shelter?) that would be awesome.


- She's got a pretty interesting mix of heritages. How does she feel about her Swedish or Korean ancestry?


Kay, I think that's it. And watch that tone! Post when done : )


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Done!

btw, you did ask what they did for a living. They're computer technicians.
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Gah, I feel so very awful. I've been away due to an out of town visitor who's been eating up my time. I'll be back on and doing stuff starting Tuesday and I promise I don't normally take this long


:(
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m'kay

I'm just itching to get Jason and Koala up.
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OKAY! I AM HERE. And I promise much much quicker and slicker. So your profile looks pretty good for it's content on the most part, but you've got a lot of grammar and tonal things I'm going to recommend patching up, kay? Sentence re-writes are in gold and critique is in this sicklyredish color.


Veronica doesn’t really stand out. She stands at 5’8” and 146lbs, she doesn’t consider herself anything That's just kindda floating there. Not sure what her height and weight would make her consider herself to be.. Other than tan, though Her skin is a tan color. Her usually straight and thick ash-black hair is often messy and tied back into a ponytail.


Her eyes are an icy, pale blue, and not the stereotypical almond-shape, but round stereotypical for what? A Korean girl? Does that mean she gets her eye shape from her Swedish father?. Her nose is slightly small, but nobody really cares I care :(. Also that's tonally odd. Remember, super formal!. Her eyebrows aren't really unusual: sort of a long-raindrop shape. Veronica doesn't really have thick lips. They're really thin has thin lips. Her ‘curves’ are almost non-existent.



The clothes part is just fine.




From a young age, she has been developing a personality Well everyone's been developing a personality since they were young. That's sort of unneeded.. She's been hot-headed and rash once she was able to speak to her siblings, but not too much. The behavior usually elevates when with strangers.


When she was 11, she and her family moved when her parents' employers relocated them. She then had to deal with having her parents getting home much later. She wasn't used to the new setting, though. She had trouble making friends, as the whole 'new kid' thing goes because of the fact that she was the new kid in town. Negative rumors were spreading. Rumors about what?


As a result of having sociable siblings and parents who came home late, Veronica found her self alone a lot past the age of 13, the age at where she seemed old enough to stay home alone. The time alone was often filled with aimlessly wandering the internet, but when that went stale, she began to take up other things. What sort of things does she like to do on the internet?


A few weeks later, she hopped on her bike and went to the library. Veronica read Warrior Cats, and instantly loved it. Along with that, an interest in cats. It no longer was limited to going to the library and secret archery. This sentence is wonky. What wasn't limited any longer? Her hobbies? Also the next sentence ends strangely. What does staying out have to do with hiking and why would she want to see if she could stay out? Hiking doesn't really have to do with cats, reading or archery so maybe give it it's own paragraph separate from this one. She started to take jogs around the neighborhood, and hiking in the nearby forest, notably to try to see if she could try to stay out at the time

When her parents found out (Around when she was 16), they weren’t outraged. Found out about what? The hiking? The archery? They were glad that their daughter was outdoorsy too Remove. As a gift, they got her Feather, a light gray female kitty. She was overjoyed. She took great responsibility in Feather. She began to read more about cats, and by then, cats were her favorite animal.


With this new found courage (She didn't want her parents finding out.), she joined the track team, and made a few friends in the process. I think it might flow better to say that she was encouraged by the fact that her parents supported her instead of that she no doesn't have to worry about them finding out about her hobbies. Unless that's not what you're saying in which case I'm confused ?_?. Also, she's on track, yeah? What is her event or events? High jump? Hurdles? Sprinter? Long distance? Mosey over here for some ideas: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Track_and_field


Grades section is fine.



Socially, she’s not so well-off. Her reputation at Aurora started off with her punching a girl in the face at age 14 for calling her a ‘dyke’ (She’s not a lesbian, but bisexual.). Ahh, the plot thickens. Bisexual? Has she had any relationships? Do her parents know? Siblings? How does she feel about that? Thus, she got several detentions. Thia typo. Should be "This" has led to verbal fights in detention. I don't think so. Detention is monitored by a teacher. Any fights would be shut down quick. Once she got out, that stemmed into more verbal and maybe physical fights maybe? You don't know? Also too much fighting would get her suspended and eventually expelled so consider carefully exactly how much and how hard she brawls. It shouldn't be very much. Shouting matches are more acceptable and carry less harsh punishment. Veronica was seen as a hot-tempered person. She was at the point where she would jump the gun and argue over the littlest things. Anybody who does seem likable to her will have a hard time gaining her trust, and will have to live with her hot-headed, rash and reckless personality.


Veronica is stubborn, and holds her ground on an argument. She can fight as well, leading to many, many no need for the repitition enemies at school. She’s also fiercely loyal, and will defend a friend, even if she doesn’t agree with the said friend.
The fact that she can fight doesn't cause the enemies. It's the fact that she's had fights with other students which cause others to either dislike her or steer clear of her. What does she get in fights over, anyhow? Also, what's she like with her friends when they're juts hanging out? How does she act around the track girls? What's her general outlook on life? Optimist? Pessimist?


I think that's the whole shebang and I extra promise to be speedy this time.
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Okie dokie lokie

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Ruggahissy
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Alrighty. So I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you missed some of my corrections from last time. If you don't make a correction that I ask for, then I will notice and I'll ask again. So please don't make me ask again ^_^


Something that was brought up to me and that I did notice but I sort of decided to let slide: She has a Swedish father but her name is Scottish? Any reason why? Did her father originally come from Scots? Explain plz.


Appearance: Veronica doesn’t really stand out. Actually, a girl that looks Asian with pale blue eyes seems like they would stand out. How does she not stand out? She stands at 5’8” and 146lbs. Veronica's skin is a tan color. Her usually straight and thick ash-black hair is often messy and tied back into a ponytail. Her eyes are an icy, pale blue, and not the stereotypical Asian almond-shape, but round. Her nose is slightly small, but nobody really cares. HER NOSE IS SLIGHTLY SMALL. END SENTENCE. Her eyebrows aren't really unusual: sort of a long-raindrop shape. Veronica Has thin lips. Her ‘curves’ are almost non-existent.


From a young age, she has been developing a personality. EVERYONE DEVELOPS PERSONALITY FROM INFANCY ON. REMOVE THIS SENTENCE. IT'S SILLY. She's been hot-headed and rash once she was able to speak to her siblings. The behavior usually elevates when with strangers.

The mixed heritage she has doesn't really affect her other than the fact that they speak both Swedish and Korean in the household. Most kids don't notice it, they just think she's Korean. She's not keen on correcting them. Who is "they"?Do both parents speak both languages? From my experience with learning another language from a parent (and trying to learn Swedish @_@) you learn when the people in the house talk to each other as well as talk to you in the language.



She and her parents often get along, and she has those friendly sibling quarrels with them You say she gets along with her parents and has friendly sibling quarrels with them. There's a problem here. She has friendly sibling quarrels with her siblings. Change that to reflect it. She doesn't usually lash out on them because of two things: she respects them, and they're not allowed to swear at home.


When she was 11, she and her family moved when her parents' employers relocated them. She then had to deal with having her parents getting home much later. She wasn't used to the new setting, though. She had trouble making friends, because of the fact that she was the new kid in town. Negative rumors were spreading about various things, from her being murderous to some obscure things about terrorists.

Stop drop and roll. This is where we hit a very big problem. Why would there be rumors about her being murderous or a terrorist? That doesn't make any sense. She's a new kid, not the Unabomber! And she's an 11 year old little Asian girl new kid. Kids might think she's weird if she's shy and doesn't want to play and call her a weirdo, but no one is going to call her a terrorist!

A few weeks later, she hopped on her bike and went to the library. Veronica read Warrior Cats, and instantly loved it. Along with that, an interest in cats.

Along with that, an interest in cats. Read that aloud. With nothing else, it makes no sense. This is a sentence fragment. This is not good. Your sentence needs to have a subject and a predicate. The subject does the verb. You have no subject AND no verb. So you need "Along with that, VERONICA (subject) DEVELOPED (verb) an interest in cats.

She started to take jogs around the neighborhood, and hiking in the nearby forest, notably to try to see if she could try to stay out at the time, as her parents usually don't tolerate being out after school until they got home.

When her parents found out found out about her hobbies (Around when she was 16), they weren’t outraged. They were glad that their daughter was outdoorsy too.


How did she stay out that late without her parents noticing? Did she sneak out? Where they angry about her disobeying them?

Veronica, encouraged by their support, joined the track, and made few more friends. Her preferred event is the long distance runs.

Her preferred EVENTS with an S. Since your sentence ends with RUNS.

Socially, she’s not so well-off. Her reputation at Aurora started off with her punching a girl in the face at age 14 for calling her a ‘dyke’ (She’s not a lesbian, but bisexual.). Thus, she got several detentions. This has led to verbal fights that stemmed into more verbal and maybe physical fights (Though the physical fights are off school grounds). Veronica was seen as a hot-tempered person. She was at the point where she would jump the gun and argue over insults and such. Anybody who does seem likable to her will have a hard time gaining her trust, and will have to live with her hot-headed, rash and reckless personality.

Did you know Seattle has a huge LGBT community? It's true! But I suppose someone could call her a nasty name for it. Um, how do her parents feel about all of her fighting? She was punished so the school must have told them. Also, why does Veronica get into all this trouble if in the paragraphs before you said she knows how important getting into a good school will be. With a record full of fighting and trouble, good colleges are going to think twice. If she's scuffling a LOT after school and around, she might have been picked up by the cops even.

Kay, I'm bleeding from the mouth right now due to sick so that means I'm done. You know the drill.
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*rolls you to the hospital*
Sorry, but school is blocking me from the computer. By the way, the terrorist thing is from experience.

Kid From Suburban Chicago: Are you Korean?
Me: No, of cour-
Kid From Suburban Chicago: TERRORIST!

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HOME

STRETCH



Thank you. I was given super flu by one of the other moderators. That should teach you that we, though we have blue names, are also just filthy disease ridden people like the rest. Only the red names are immune to the follies of mortals.


So close to being done. But you have a few things still to address.


RUGGAHISSY OF THE PAST~


She and her parents often get along, and she has those friendly sibling quarrels with them You say she gets along with her parents and has friendly sibling quarrels with them. There's a problem here. She has friendly sibling quarrels with her siblings. Change that to reflect it

So that's still there. It reads as you calling her parents her siblings still. Clarify that one so there's no confusion.

- In the end it says that she can fight. I'm glad that you took out her fighting in favor for more just being hot tempered and yelling, but now that doesn't make sense. So just remove that from the bottom.

- Her advantages don't mention her being able to run quickly which you would think would be an advantage seeing as....she's on the track team. Same for her hiking.


I think that's all that's left. Go get 'em, kid.

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I may (not) be able to pay for vaccines.

Well, I quickly got that done.
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Ruggahissy
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i'm not upset
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......


even closer.




"She can fight as well, leading to many enemies at school."




RUGGAHISSY OF 15 MINUTES AGO

- In the end it says that she can fight. I'm glad that you took out her fighting in favor for more just being hot tempered and yelling, but now that doesn't make sense. So just remove that from the bottom.





So yeah. That'd be it >_>
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Aloha
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...

Can't believe I missed that.

Oh well, fixed it to say something about verbal stuff.
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