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Jaquilyn Locke
Topic Started: Jan 27 2012, 03:44 PM (942 Views)
umop-ap!sdn
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Name: Jaquilyn Locke
Gender: Female
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High
Hobbies and Interests: Cheerleading, karate, acting, stunts

Appearance:  Jaquilyn is 5'6", and 125 lbs. Her thin face and high cheekbones are framed with black, permed hair. She is part Egyptian, and has a tan, smooth skin tone. Combined with her sharp, hazel eyes, she looks like an amazon. She is slim and tall, with long shapely legs. Her torso is moderately muscled, and she's not above wearing padded bras. She carries herself high and proud.

Jaqui likes to wear V-neck shirts with long sleeves over short shorts or mini skirts. Her aim is classy, but seductive. Her favorite color is orange, and she prefers dark, bold colors. Her bottoms are usually white, black, or denim. Underneath, she wears tennis shoes or flats, depending on what fits her outfit best.

Jaquilyn likes hoop earrings, eyeliner, and just a little mascara. She highlights her Egyptian features with cat eyes. She has a small nose, and full red lips.

Biography: Jaquilyn grew up in a privileged setting. Her father is a legal consultant, and her mother is an ex-supermodel. Her parents often host big parties and barbecues, and she was very friendly with all of the neighbor children. Don, her older brother, would invent games for them all to play, most of which had no winners or losers, but kept the kids active and entertained.

Jaquilyn's father, John, originally wanted to write fiction about law enforcement. He was fascinated by the law, and had a knack for writing. When he went to college, he double majored in law administration and English. When Mr. Locke was told by publishers there was a lack of interest in his sub-genre, he decided to go into politics. He's been on city council for eight years, and lost the 2009 mayoral election. Never the type to give up, he plans to campaign even harder next election.

Jaquilyn drifted from her father when he ran for mayor. Her father started acting aggressively friendly. She hated seeing him like this, and resolved she will never pretend to be what she's not, an will act just as she feels.

When she was seven, Jaquilyn found her brother playing Dead or Alive, a complex hand-to-hand combat game. She liked the idea of being able to defend herself, and thought martial arts looked amazing. She was disappointed to find Karate lessons wouldn't make her an acrobatic, steel-shattering weapon, but she loved the fatigue and reward of a workout. Rather than using brute strength, Jaquilyn's form is very swift. She can escape many holds effortlessly, and trip up opponents. Breaking boards is more difficult, but she can when she needs to.

Jaquilyn's mother suggested she take up a more feminine sport, telling her karate might intimidate boys. Jaquilyn saw truth in this, but was too proud to up and quit. Now she cheerleads while working up belts. She is currently a brown belt on the verge or going red. Her goal is to go black before she leaves for college. When she cheerleads, Jaquilyn is always chanting her heart out and shouting obscenities at the other team.

Don, who's 8 years older than Jaquilyn, is the perfect student. He gets outstanding grades, volunteers in the community, and finished his undergraduate early.  The two like to tease each other, and are close. They have no kind of sibling rivalry; both are able to recognize their own strengths and weaknesses. Jaquilyn is proud of her brother for his achievements, and he supports her in all athletic competitions. When he visits, conservative Don often disagree's with the liberal John Locke, and their arguments have left Jaquilyn resenting politics even more. Sometimes she thinks people would be better off without a government telling people how to live.

Bianca Howard is the only person outside of Jaquilyn's family who can get away with calling her Jaqui. Actually, because their moms have been best friends since high school, Bianca and Jaquilyn are practically sisters. Because she hates the passive-aggressive behaviors of most high school girls, Bianca is the only girl Jaquilyn isn't prejudice against. Jaquilyn's other close friends just call her Jaq.

When unsure what she wanted to do with her life, Don suggested she become a stunt double. He pointed out that she was both fit and pretty enough to double for an actress. Jaquilyn thought about this, and concluded she would love the excitement and minor glamour that would come with it.

Jaquilyn is a superstar flirt. This stems from her jealousy of her mother. Her mother is a stunning, half Egyptian ex-model. All of the friends Jaquilyn has over always comment on her mother’s beauty. For this reason, she is quite jealous of her mother.

She loves when guys watch her, feeding off their attention. Because she relentlessly parades herself around, rumors about her promiscuity have gone around. She merely laughs at such suggestions, never confirming or denying them. Because she is an attractive cheerleader, the guys she's allegedly had sex with hardly deny the rumors. In reality, Jaquilyn is just a sporty girl who prefers the company of guys than that of girls. And she likes to playfully flirt with her guy friends.

Jaquilyn's favorite class is gym. She prefers classes about physical things like science, health, and anatomy rather than math and history. In gym she gets to show off her athletic ability and hang with the guys. She's friends with all the jocks who go all out in gym, and she calls them out if she catches them going easy on her.

Advantages:  Jaquilyn is fit, agile, trained in hand-to-hand combat, and friends with many big strapping jocks.
Disadvantages: Because Jaquilyn has no filter, she has offended some people. Anyone she doesn't like knows she doesn't like them. She'll definitely have some enemies on the island.
Edited by umop-ap!sdn, Feb 4 2012, 12:49 AM.
It's kiss or kill and shoot to thrill when you do what you do.
I would not die for anyone, but I would kill for you.


G009 Cassidy Kant
A contestant, a seeker, an abstainer, a klutz, a case of survivor guilt, a repenter, a star crossed lover, a star crossed lover, a damsel in distress, a hot mess, an inspired dreamer, an unwanted ally, a pawn
B034 Joey Caputo
A scout, a follower, a tracker, a rebel without a cause, a slaughtered guinea pig
G017 Jaquilyn Locke
A victim, a survivor, a team player, a doubter, a hunter, a person, a schemer, an instructor, a nomad, a deserter, a self-appointed savior, a repenter, a failure, a hypocrite's scapegoat

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Casey the Undead
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Hey LocoBroJoe! I'm CaseyNuge, and I'll be handling your profile. Jaquilyn's profile is a good start, but she's DENIED pending some changes.

Firstly, in the appearance.
Quote:
 
She is told she has a good body, but she wishes it were great.
This sentence doesn't quite fit the tone we usually aim for in profiles (fairly professional). Further, it's a little too vague, and doesn't actually describe Jaquilyn's body. Detail is your friend, especially in appearance, because we want a total, visual description of your character. What makes Jaquilyn's body "good'? Does she have long legs? A nice frame? Take out the quoted sentence and replace it with actual, in depth description of Jaquilyn's body type.

Quote:
 
Looking slutty isn't a concern of Jaquilyn's, looking attractive is.
Again, this has tonal issues. It doesn't read like something one of Danya's people would write. Further, this part needs expansion. What types of skirts does she wear? What colors is she fond of? What shoes?

Quote:
 
Jaquilyn likes hoop earrings and a bit of mascara. She outlines her eyes in a subtle Cleopatra way. Below them lies two red lips bordering a mischievous smile.
In order for a "Cleopatra" style, Jaquilyn would need to be wearing eye liner. If you could put this in the appearance, that'd be great. Further, the line "subtle Cleopatra way" and the "two red lips bordering a mischievous smile" are, again, tonally off. If you could describe what the makeup actually looks like (in this case, heavy eye liner with a small tail trailing off of the corner of the eye) that'd fit better. As for the lips, just put the color (red) and a description of what her lips look like- are they full? Thin? Chapped?

Next, in hobbies and interests, only Cheerleading should be capitalized (because it's at the beginning of the sentence). None of the other words are proper nouns, so capitalization isn't necessary.

Now, onto the bio. What do you mean when you say "her father gives legal advice"? Is he a lawyer, or just some form of consultant? The word "party's" should be changed to "parties."

Why did Mr. Locke just give up on writing all of the sudden? If he had a knack for it, what made him quit? Could he not get published? Did he lose his motivation? Some expansion here would be great.

Quote:
 
In 2010, he ran for mayor, but lost by a landslide. Never the type to give up, he continues to campaign.
The last Seattle Mayoral election would have been in 2009, not 2010. What party did he run for? Why did he decide to start his political career by running for Mayor? Running for Mayor without any prior political experience would probably bring a lot of criticism his way. Further, running for mayor is an incredibly expensive thing to do. Why didn't he start smaller and work his way up?

You continually mention that her father continues to "campaign." What is he campaigning for? What election is he running in now? How is he getting media attention if he not only lost in a landslide, but also has no prior experience in politics and isn't a notable name (like a celebrity)? Why did Jaquilyn's parents adopt fake persona's for the media?

Quote:
 
Their fake personalities annoy her to no end, and she has vowed to be real.
Again, this is a tonal issue. What does "be real" mean? What does this mean in terms of Jaqui's personality? Is she bluntly honest? Is she extremely vocal about how she feels? Be descriptive about Jaqui's personality.

Quote:
 
Out of respect for her father, Jaquilyn avoids accidentally drawing any negative media attention to her family
This seems to be a contradiction, because earlier in the profile you made a point about how Jaquilyn doesn't respect her parents. Further, what media is focusing on Jaquilyn's family and why? It wouldn't make sense for a losing mayoral candidate from 3 years ago to be in the media spotlight as constantly as you make it seem he is.

How did Jaquilyn get into karate? At what age? Why? If Jaquilyn's mother wanted her to be more feminine, why did Jaquilyn continue to take karate?

Quote:
 
At some games she may seem sarcastic, but this is just her refusal to fake emotions coming through.
Again, what does this mean? Sarcasm is a natural deflection of emotions- it's verbal irony, saying the opposite of what you mean. If she's not being "fake" then she would be saying exactly what she means. What do you mean by "fake" emotions? What does Jaquilyn define as "fake? You need to go into more detail here. Why is she only sarcastic some of the time? Is her school spirit at homecoming "fake"? Or is she genuinely invested in cheerleading?

Quote:
 
He often argues with their father about politics, Don being conservative and John being liberal, and these arguments in the house have made Jaquilyn an unvoiced anarchist.
I don't see how arguing about politics lead to Jaquilyn becoming an anarchist. You need to put more detail here. Anarchists are also generally a very vocal group, so why is Jaquilyn unvoiced? Why doesn't she speak her mind? Isn't this neglecting her choice to be real by hiding what she's feeling?

I don't know what the term "friends since conception" means. Were the parents friends before the girls were born?

Quote:
 
Despite being prejudice against most girls, Jaquilyn knows Bianca isn't the passive-aggressive socialite type
You never mention before this that Jaquilyn is prejudiced against girls. Why is she prejudiced against girls? Since when has this prejudice started?

The part about Jaquilyn's production of Rent comes completely out of left field. Why did she decide to go out for a musical? Who hosted the musical- was it a park district, a school? When did it occur? How does she lack musical talent if she earned a standing ovation for Out Tonight, a really difficult song to sing? How could she have earned it for dancing when that particular song (and that entire musical, actually) doesn't include all that much dance? Is Jaquilyn a naturally talented dancer, or has she been trained? If she's been trained, when? Why did she start? Why does she want to be a stunt double, a career that involves almost no dancing or any other hobbies she's a part of? Why did she want to be a stunt double? When did she decide this? How do her parents feel about it? Does she take classes to practice?

If Jaquilyn leads guys on, isn't this, again, a "fake" aspect of her personality? If she doesn't want a relationship, physical or emotional from them, but she implies that she does, she is by nature being fake. This part of her personality is a contradiction of the rest of her.

Now, onto advantages and disadvantages.
Quote:
 
She can't hide when she's angry, and has made some enemies as a result.
This aspect of Jaquilyn is never mentioned in the bio. It needs to be included there. Why is she angry? When does she get angry? What makes her angry? How has this made her enemies?

Post when you have the edits and I'll take another look. Thanks!

It's hard to get ahead when half your friends are dead!

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umop-ap!sdn
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Ah, the result of trying to do way to much with one character. I do apologize, this profile was a mess. A lot of the stuff I have in there is being take right out due to contradictions.

I also changed the flirtatious paragraph a bit so it's more apparent she flirts for fun rather than leading guys on and teasing. As you said, that's a complete contradiction of her character.

Let me know what you think of my edits, I completely understand if we need another go around to fix this mess.
It's kiss or kill and shoot to thrill when you do what you do.
I would not die for anyone, but I would kill for you.


G009 Cassidy Kant
A contestant, a seeker, an abstainer, a klutz, a case of survivor guilt, a repenter, a star crossed lover, a star crossed lover, a damsel in distress, a hot mess, an inspired dreamer, an unwanted ally, a pawn
B034 Joey Caputo
A scout, a follower, a tracker, a rebel without a cause, a slaughtered guinea pig
G017 Jaquilyn Locke
A victim, a survivor, a team player, a doubter, a hunter, a person, a schemer, an instructor, a nomad, a deserter, a self-appointed savior, a repenter, a failure, a hypocrite's scapegoat

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Casey the Undead
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Okay, so Jaquilyn's profile looks a bit better, but she's still DENIED.

I asked you to make a couple changes that you did not make. The biggest one is the campaigning issue. While I'm glad you took out a lot of the stuff about being in the public eye, you still mention that her father is campaigning. For what? Again, why did he decide to go for Mayor right away? What made him think he had a chance for such a major office without any prior political experience? How did the family react to the cost of the campaign?

You also still mention that the family spends all their time sucking up to the local media. The local media would not focus on a Mayoral loser who is not in any other political office and does not have any real name recognition. This should be changed in some manner.

Again, you don't tell me when or how Jaquilyn got into karate. When did she start lessons? Why? What about it appealed to her? What belt is she?

Quote:
 
At some games she may seem condescending because she's too proud to feign excitement, but at intense games like homecoming though, Jaquilyn is the cheerleader chanting her heart out and shouting obscenities at the other team.
Firstly, this sentence is grammatically awkward. Next, it's a complete contradiction. Why is she only faking it at some games? Why doesn't she always have spirit? I don't understand the attitude shift she has from game to game.

How much older than Jaquilyn is Don? Does he still live with the family, or is he attending college elsewhere?

Also, at the very beginning, the Appearance part of the profile is spaced a bit awkwardly. The word Appearance should be all the way to the left- the extra space there is unnecessary and should be removed.

Post when you have the edits and I'll take another look!
It's hard to get ahead when half your friends are dead!

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umop-ap!sdn
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alright edited. I had put before that Mr. Locke had been on city council before, but I added he's been there a few years to show that he's not just randomly diving in.
It's kiss or kill and shoot to thrill when you do what you do.
I would not die for anyone, but I would kill for you.


G009 Cassidy Kant
A contestant, a seeker, an abstainer, a klutz, a case of survivor guilt, a repenter, a star crossed lover, a star crossed lover, a damsel in distress, a hot mess, an inspired dreamer, an unwanted ally, a pawn
B034 Joey Caputo
A scout, a follower, a tracker, a rebel without a cause, a slaughtered guinea pig
G017 Jaquilyn Locke
A victim, a survivor, a team player, a doubter, a hunter, a person, a schemer, an instructor, a nomad, a deserter, a self-appointed savior, a repenter, a failure, a hypocrite's scapegoat

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Casey the Undead
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Let's go where eagles dare
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Alright, Jaquilyn is looking a lot better, but she's still DENIED pending just a couple of nitpicks.

Quote:
 
Her father gives legal consultant
This sentence is a bit grammatically awkward. It would make more sense if you said "her father is a legal consultant."

Quote:
 
Her father started acting aggressively friendly, and almost kissing butt.
This doesn't fit the tone we're looking for in profiles. The aggressively friendly part will suffice, the kissing butt part is unnecessary.

Okay, the karate stuff is starting to look better, but it still needs work. Here's the thing- we want to know that you have a good idea of what the martial art actually entails before we let you write it, so we can have as realistic fighting scenes as possible. The karate interest needs a lot more detail. Firstly, could you actually describe what Dead on Arrival is? At what age did Jaquilyn start karate? Next, importantly, brown belt is, as I understand, a super high belt in karate. How did she get a belt so quickly? What are her strengths in karate? What style of karate does she practice? How did she react when she figured out that karate in video games is different than karate in real life? How did her family react initially? Add as much as possible here, it really needs work if we're gonna let it pass.

Post when you have the edits and I'll take another look!
It's hard to get ahead when half your friends are dead!

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umop-ap!sdn
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methinks it should be good
It's kiss or kill and shoot to thrill when you do what you do.
I would not die for anyone, but I would kill for you.


G009 Cassidy Kant
A contestant, a seeker, an abstainer, a klutz, a case of survivor guilt, a repenter, a star crossed lover, a star crossed lover, a damsel in distress, a hot mess, an inspired dreamer, an unwanted ally, a pawn
B034 Joey Caputo
A scout, a follower, a tracker, a rebel without a cause, a slaughtered guinea pig
G017 Jaquilyn Locke
A victim, a survivor, a team player, a doubter, a hunter, a person, a schemer, an instructor, a nomad, a deserter, a self-appointed savior, a repenter, a failure, a hypocrite's scapegoat

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Casey the Undead
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It's hard to get ahead when half your friends are dead!

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