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Finn Grant
Topic Started: Jan 25 2012, 05:53 PM (1,026 Views)
Will
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Name: Finn Grant
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Movies, video games, running (Track and Field), art, the gym.

Appearance: Finn is 5'9" and weighs 170 pounds. He has tousled, dark brown hair and side swept bangs. He has dark blue eyes and full lips which are placed upon his clean shaven, well defined face. He has a chiseled nose, jawline and cheekbones, because of this many people view him as attractive. Finn has a fairly slim body with a slight tan, but has muscled legs and arms due to his participation in the track and field team at school. He usually wears tight fitting clothes as he feels uncomfortable while wearing baggy ones, feeling like people would make fun of him for wearing them. He is not very ambitious when it comes to clothes, as he doesn't want to stand out and prefers to stick to skinny jeans and either plain tops or checkered shirts. During the abduction Finn is wearing a tight fitting, light blue checkered shirt with a light grey hoody over the top and dark skinny jeans as well as a tight fitting, black coat that comes downs to his hips.

Biography: Finn was born on the 7th of November 1994 to Lisa Ellis and John Grant. Lisa and John never got married and separated when Finn was 7. Finn wasn't greatly effected by the separation, as he was too young to even understand what was happening. He adapted to getting used to only seeing one parent a week. He has two older half sisters, Ellena (20) and Jessica (23). Finn switches between his mum's and his dad's house every other week; at his mum's house he lives with his mum, his mum's boyfriend, Steve, and occasionally his step brother, Adam (Finn had resorted to calling Steve's children his step brothers and sisters, as he felt it took to long to describe what part of the family they actually were when talking about them), when he comes back from university. Lisa first got together with Steve a year after she separated with John and moved in with him 2 years later. At first, Finn didn't like Steve and his children, but kept this feeling bottled up, not wanting to hurt his mum's feelings. However, after a few years of living with them, just accepted that disliking them wasn't going to change things back to how they were. Over the course of 7 years Finn's half sisters and his two step sisters have moved out of his mum's house and are now living with their partners. At his dad's house it is just Finn and his dad, with frequent visits from his dad's girlfriend, Jen. While growing up his sisters had a big influence on him and made him into the bitchy, gossip he is today. Finn is closer to his sister, Ellena than he is to his sister, Jessica; this is because when he was young it was Ellena who always used to play with him. Finn and Ellena are also a closer age than Finn and Jessica are. Another reason why Finn is more close to Ellena than he is Jessica, is due to Jessica moving out a couple of years before Ellena did, leaving Finn and Ellena more time on their own. The first major blow to Finn and his family was when his auntie passed away 2 years ago. Finn's auntie, Cheryl, was Finn's only auntie and he visited her and his cousin, Andrew (21), as often as he could as she always used to spoil him with gifts. He got on with his cousin very well, they had similar tastes to each other and once they were together you would struggle to get them apart. Finn still visits Andrew every so often, usually about once a month. Finn's auntie passed away in May, 2010 because of cancer. Finn last saw his auntie on New Year's day 6 months before she passed away; he was very close to his auntie and was deeply hurt when she died. He struggled to get over her death and began blocking himself out from the world, shutting himself in his room and not coming out. The loss of his auntie is the reason why Finn acts so different at home, refraining from showing emotion around his parents, so they don't know how he really feels. Over time, Finn finally got over her death, but he still thinks of her from time to time, remembering the good memories they used to have.

Due to his family mainly consisting of women, it reflects on his friendship group, the majority of them being girls. Finn finds it easier getting along with girls as he was brought up with them and got on well with his sisters. He is known as the male bitch of Aurora High School because of the frequent bitching about people behind their backs, making fun of people and gossiping. Although, Finn is very loyal to his friends and refrains from bitching and gossiping about his friends. Finn's friends know that he is loyal to them, so because of this, they don't worry that he would do the same to them as he does to other people. Due to Finn mostly hanging out with girls and because of the bitching and gossiping, many boys in Aurora High School make fun of Finn for being feminine. At first, this teasing greatly effected Finn, making him upset and self conscious. However, as the teasing carried on over several years, Finn got used to it and now ignores the teasing; although, sometimes he can't help but retaliate. When Finn was in his first year at school, the teachers noticed the teasing and spoke to Finn about it. Finn asked the teachers not to contact his parents, as he was ashamed for being bullied. He then lied to the teachers by re-assuring them that the bullies were just joking around with him and he thought it was funny. The teachers bought the act and did not contact Finn's parents, still believing that the teasing is just a big, long going joke between Finn and bullies. He is very loud, often goofing off and joking with his friends. He has a fiery personality which often shows as he usually gets into an argument with someone over minor things, as long as he knows he wont get into trouble for it. These arguments don't usually last long, only lasting a day on average or a few days at the maximum. After that, the argument is forgotten about or forgiven; as these arguments don't last long, the teachers don't pay much attention to them, knowing what Finn is like and that the arguments are usually over minor things. Finn is not afraid to speak his mind or to retaliate, and will stand up for himself and his friends. He has arachnophobia and get's scared easily, because of this people don't understand why he always watches horror films in his spare time. He is a very logic-driven person and because of this he very rarely gets in trouble or hurt; although sometimes he can't help but get into arguments. He is also not very trusting and has a hard time trusting people he doesn't know well, this is because he thinks that almost everyone deep down in side is like him and will back stab him if he tells anyone anything secretive. At home he acts the exact opposite of how he acts at school. He is very anti social at home and usually just sits up in his room watching TV. He is very shy and quiet around people he doesn't know. However, he acts the same as he does at school with pupils he doesn't know at Aurora High School, as his friends are nearly always with him, feeling more comfortable and believing he can be himself when he's around them. He acts like this at home due to the struggle he faced when he lost his auntie. He is also afraid that his family would judge him like many of the boys do at school, so he tries to act differently when around them. Finn does quite well during school, mostly getting C's to A's although he if often caught talking during class. His favorite classes are art and physical education which are the classes he does best in. He has the most trouble in math, as he finds it difficult. Finn dislikes school as he finds all the classes boring, with the exception of art and PE, and always complains about them to his friends. He is a generally a brainy person and he knows it; it's for this reason that Finn knows he can afford to slack off during classes, as he can catch up and understand things quite easily.

Finn's hobbies are watching TV, playing video games and running. Ever since Finn was young he loved running and often went out for runs with his mum and his sister, Ellena. When Finn joined Aurora High School it was no surprise that he joined the school's track and field team. He does best at the 100m sprint and the 800m medium distance. He is also very agile making him all round pretty good at track. When Finn first joined track and field he noticed that many of the boys on the team were stronger than him, because of this he started going to the gym twice a week. Finn has always loved watching TV and films. He gained his passion for horror films when he once had the flu and went to stay with his uncle, Stephen. Over the few days Finn stayed with Stephen, they watched horror movies all day; ever since then he has loved horror films. Although he gets frightened easily, Finn always watches horror films; he loves getting the thrill and suspense that horror films have to offer, as well as the adrenaline rush he gets when frightened by the films. However he knows he has the comfort of knowing he is safe from whatever maybe on the TV. His uncle was also the one who got him interested in video games; every other weekend Finn used to go to his uncle's house and he always used to play Xbox with him, since then Finn has been hooked on video games.

Advantages: Finn has a speed, stamina and agility advantage over most of Aurora High School's pupils who don't do track and field. His physical strength could also give him a slight edge if involved in a fight.
Disadvantages: Finn is not a very trusting person which could affect him if someone he doesn't know well offers to join up with him. There are also some people who don't like him for his constant bitchiness which could cause people to turn on him. He also wouldn't stand much of a chance against Aurora High School's stronger pupils if he got into a fight with them.
Edited by Will, Jan 29 2012, 09:08 AM.
V6 Characters:

Posted Image------------------Posted Image
----Cassandra "Cassie" Venus--------------------------------Eleanor "Elle" Duval----------

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ifnotwinter
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Hey Will! My name is faceinabook (aka Rose) and I'll be your friendly neighborhood mod for today. Unfortunately Finn is temporarily DENIED pending some revision, but stick with me and I'm sure we can get him fixed up in no time.

The first thing is that I'm seeing a few spelling mistakes and a lot of grammar errors. I'd recommend running this profile through a spellchecker or even asking someone else to look over it to help you pinpoint the errors. A couple of examples are "mucley" in the appearance section (should be muscled) and repeatedly spelling Finn's name with only one 'n'. Grammar-wise, the biggest problem is run-on sentences. I'll show you a few examples so you know what I mean.

Quote:
 
Lisa and John never got married and separated when Finn was 4 and he has two older half sisters, Ellena (20) and Jessica (23).


should be something along the lines of

Quote:
 
Lisa and John never got married and separated when Finn was 4. He has two older half sisters, Ellena (20) and Jessica (23).


Quote:
 
Finn has always loved watching TV and films and gained his passion for horror films when he was ill him and his uncle, Stephen, started watching Saw together and ever since then he has loved horror films.


should be something along the lines of

Quote:
 
Finn has always loved watching TV and films and gained his passion for horror films when he was ill. He and his uncle, Stephen, started watching Saw together and ever since then he has loved horror films.


A good test for a run-on sentence is to say it aloud. If it sounds 'off' or if you run out of breath while saying it, it's probably not right. Another good rule is that it really shouldn't have more than one 'and', unless it's as part of a list ("I was listing my favorite movies and my favorite fruits, like apple, strawberry, and kiwi.").

Okay, on to the content! I'll start with the appearance. First off, I'm seeing a few contradictions. You mention both a numeric weight and that he is "medium set" but then go on to note that he is skinny with the exception of muscle on his arms and legs. Which is it? I'd like a tiny bit more elaboration on the face as well -- what do you mean by 'well-defined'?

Biography! My first issue is that you've stated him to be 17, but born in 1993. He would need to be born in 1994 for that age to match, so please clarify this.

My second is a pretty big issue. I'm really not seeing anything on Finn's life growing up. I don't know what he liked, what he didn't like, what shaped him as a person, what formative events occurred in his life...how did he feel with his parents being separated and having such a large extended family? How did he grow so close to his aunt? What's his feeling on his siblings? I'd recommend checking out Ayako Okogamine or Adam Morgan as examples of how to include backstory.

"the majority of them being girls, with the exception of a few boys" doesn't need the exception, as I would assume if the majority of his friends were girls, the minority would be boys.

The biggest problem I'm seeing so far with the biography is consistency. I'm seeing a lot of contradictions and random things that are thrown without much to back them up. You state that he frequently gossips and bitches about people behind their backs, but despite that is still known as a loyal friend? Even though you later state that he doesn't keep secrets well? I wouldn't call that a loyal friend, personally. You mention that he has a strong personality which leads him to get into fights often, but then state that he is very logic-driven and thus rarely gets into trouble. How is getting into fights at least once a week logical in any way? You mention that he has a hard time trusting people because he's afraid they're all like him, but also say that he has a large circle of friends that he will happily defend. You mention that he hates school because it is boring, but say that he loves art and PE. There's a lot of contradictory information in here that I'd like to see straightened out.

The mention of his arachnaphobia can probably go in a separate paragraph, and I'd like more explanation behind why he watches and loves horror movies despite being so easily scared. I'd also like to see elaboration on why he's so different at home than at school.

The detail about his uncle is good, but it should go in with his backstory/history. I'd also like to know what you meant by "when he was ill". The way you phrased it makes it sound like he had some kind of serious illness at some time.

His advantages are okay, although I would question his ability to hold his own in a fistfight based on going to the gym twice a week. Fighting is way more than physical strength, and given that he has no other fighting experience I'd recommend saying something more along the lines of "his physical strength could give him an edge in a fight". I would like you to remove the advantage of knowing how to survive through watching films -- there's really no comparison to actually having to try and survive in a high stress environment, and there's also no mention in the biography of that being a particular interest. Same with the gun advantage -- if it's not in the profile, it shouldn't be hear.

I think you meant "wouldn't" for "He also would stand much of a chance against". If not, then it's an advantage (although not a good one). I'd like a little more elaboration on why a lack of trust would be disadvantage and to clarify that the bitching could make him a target.

Altogether, Finn can definitely be fixed up to the standard we're looking for. However, I would like you to keep one thing in mind. SOTF is not looking for pre-made players (characters who are obviously going to be 'playing' on the island) and right now that's really what I see when I look at this biography. Once he's a little more consistent it might not be an issue, but please keep that in mind.

Post here when you've made the edits, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions. Thanks so much, and welcome to SOTF.


marc st. yves


light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire


lydia hausen


if you don't look down you don't have to fall

sebastian conway


everything will be okay in the end


(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
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Will
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OK I've edited it now, I think I've done everything you said. :)
V6 Characters:

Posted Image------------------Posted Image
----Cassandra "Cassie" Venus--------------------------------Eleanor "Elle" Duval----------

V5
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ifnotwinter
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Hi Will -- unfortunately we still have a little bit more to do on this profile. Although most of the run-on sentences have been taken care of I'm still seeing a few spelling and grammar errors. Again, I'd recommend running it through a spellchecker and/or having someone look at it. If you're unsure what I'm talking about you can PM me and I'll walk you through the errors, but please keep in mind that we ask for a high level of English competency in this RP.

The content is better, but it's not as fleshed out as I'd like. I'm seeing a lot of facts about his life but little to nothing about how Finn feels about these things and how he reacts to them. For instance, you mention that he disliked his mother's boyfriend (husband? I'm not sure, since you mention step-siblings) and his family for many years...how did he show this? Didn't it concern his mother that he had such animosity towards them for so long? Same with mentioning that he struggled to get over his aunt's death. The fact is there (he struggled) but there's no detail (he lashed out at family, he became depressed, he became clingy, that kind of thing). I don't just want to know what happened to Finn, I want to know his reactions. I want to get a sense of him as a person and not just a collection of sentences. He gets made fun of often...how does he feel about that?

I'm still getting some contradictory information from the biography. You mention that he is very logic-driven -- what is logical about sharing friend's secrets? And haven't any of his friends noticed by now? Wouldn't that affect his social groups? If he's so well known for being a 'bitch' who talks about people behind their backs, gossips, and makes fun of people, how does that affect his friends? Wouldn't they feel like they couldn't share information with him? I'm also surprised that he can get into arguments so frequently without ever getting at least a warning from a school (if that's where they're happening) or getting into trouble some other way. I'd like you to either elaborate pretty heavily on that or remove it (for instance, does he ever face bullying or problems caused by people he's argued with? Has the school ever gotten involved?).

I'm confused about his reason for being so withdrawn around his house. The bio states that the 'judging' he gets at school is because he often hangs out with girls and acts feminine, not because he is loud or opinionated. Given that he's been around women all his life, wouldn't his family be used to him being comfortable with them? Has he always tried to act more masculine at home? This could use more detail as well. I would also like some clarification about the sentence "He is very shy and quiet around people he doesn't know.". Does this include at school? If so, how is that he's so loud and opinionated? If it's only outside of school, why is that? Is it because he worries about being perceived as feminine? If so, I'd like some more detail about how he acts that makes people perceive him as feminine. Is it just the gossiping thing? If not, what facets of him are less stereotypically masculine?

I'd be interested to know a little more about his attitude towards school. Although he finds it boring, he does relatively well. Is that hard for him? Is he a generally smart person, or does he just work really hard?

Basically I'd recommend just more detail and supporting evidence for your 'facts' of how Finn is. I'd recommend reading through the Approved profiles and seeing the level of detail that they contain before editing (particularly one-shot approvals). Drop a note in this post after you're done and I'll give Finn another looksee!


marc st. yves


light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire


lydia hausen


if you don't look down you don't have to fall

sebastian conway


everything will be okay in the end


(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
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Will
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Edited. :)
V6 Characters:

Posted Image------------------Posted Image
----Cassandra "Cassie" Venus--------------------------------Eleanor "Elle" Duval----------

V5
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ifnotwinter
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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We're so very close, hon! Your grammar is pretty good for now (just watch excessive commas/semi-colons in future) and I'm just seeing two spelling mistakes -- "phusical" should be "physical" and "kmow" should be "know".

I still have a couple issues with content. I'm just going to list them to make it easier. Don't despair though, if you can do these quick fixes we'll be all set to have Finn begin his Pregame career.

1) I should have mentioned this earlier, my bad. His mother moved in with Steve when he was only five years old...essentially, Steve would be almost all he knew. Before five years old the world is a pretty blurry, not often remembered place. I'm surprised that he would be so attached to the idea of things going back to "the way they were" if he barely remembered that time. I'd recommend either raising the age at which they moved in together or removing that part of the bio.

2) You mention that he has a cousin, his favourite aunt's child. If he's always with his aunt, what's his opinion of his cousin? Are they close? Do they not get along? If his aunt is such a huge part of his life, the cousin should be elaborated on a bit.

3) His personality is still a little confusing to me. He's shy and reserved around people he doesn't know, but he will get into arguments and defend his friends from them? I'm sort of seeing two of Finn here; the quiet, more sneaky gossipy Finn and the loud, firey, outspoken Finn. I'd like some clarification of that. Which leads into

4) The teasing/harassment from other kids. Even if a teacher has been asked not to get parents/school authorities involved, they have a legal obligation to report this kind of thing, especially if it has been going on for years. I'm also surprised that he can just ignore this kind of harassment. Again, I'd recommend seriously toning down both how much he argues with people (again, something that teachers would have to deal with whether or not they know the kid) and the extent of the teasing/bullying/harassment.

We're so close, Will! You've been amazing with these edits, keep it up and hopefully my next post in here will be a big shiny APPROVED sticker :)



marc st. yves


light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire


lydia hausen


if you don't look down you don't have to fall

sebastian conway


everything will be okay in the end


(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
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Will
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OK, edited. I just got rid of where it says how much he gets into arguments as I didn't want to get rid of an example of his personality, but as he is logic driven I didn't want him to be getting into trouble with the school. The same with the bullying, I wanted to keep the teasing but I also wanted to keep his school life away from his home life, and that would be ruined if the teachers contacted his parents, so I just made it so he told the teachers a lie and they believed it. Hope it's acceptable. :)
V6 Characters:

Posted Image------------------Posted Image
----Cassandra "Cassie" Venus--------------------------------Eleanor "Elle" Duval----------

V5
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ifnotwinter
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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APPROVED


marc st. yves


light it up or burn it down we'll all die in fire


lydia hausen


if you don't look down you don't have to fall

sebastian conway


everything will be okay in the end


(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side)
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