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Owen Veveris
Topic Started: Jan 14 2012, 03:54 AM (731 Views)
Serpico
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Name: Owen Veveris
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Camping, Hunting, reading short stories, thievery, motorcycle maintenance.

Appearance: Owen Veveris weighs 70 kilos (143 lbs) and is 175 cm tall (five-foot-eight) with an average sized build. He has a heart shaped face with close set eyes and pale skin. Owen sometimes has blemishes and pimples that he cannot help, he also has has very faint acne scars on his cheeks. He has thin lips and straight teeth because of the braces he once had, they were removed when he reached age sixteen. Owen has a strong jawline, aquiline nose and average forehead. His hair colour is sandy blonde and he often slicks it back. Owen has hazel coloured eyes and straight eyebrows. His body is the type suited for running and as such he is lightly muscled and toned. He normally wears a plain white T-shirt under a simple black leather jacket, blue jeans and black dress boots. His accessories include black metal ear cuffs with studs; he also wears a silver ring with a possibly fake sapphire on it plus a supposedly expensive silver watch.

Biography: Owen's family moved from Latvia before he was born, bringing with them only enough to make a start in America. He is the youngest of two sons. His grades were good from a young age, his English skills were quite good and he would come home with spelling trophies occasionally. His grades would drastically drop once he reached adolescence, a mixture of disinterest and hormones caused him to almost abandon studying altogether.

Around the age of thirteen he would begin to steal small items from his friends. Some would mistake it as kleptomania but the truth is that Owen is a greedy person. He has few friends due to his disagreeable personality and his tendency to steal only helps to drive people from him. Owen isn’t an agreeable person and quick to start pointing out other people’s flaws. This is most evident through his interactions with Naomi Bell, who is another student that he has clashed with over a group project. Neither could agree with each others ideas causing them to end up in a bitter and childish fight.

He has been caught thieving before but he often takes things unnoticed. During the few times he has been apprehended his father had expressed his disappointment and taken away his privileges at home. Owen is well known enough at the malls that he has stopped shop lifting, instead he chooses to steal from the customers. He is obsessive over his motorcycle, named Freyja after the Norse god of beauty and war. The motorcycle once belonged to his brother, Peter. Peter gave it to Owen because he never used it after he bought his car. Owen applied for his license at age sixteen, acquiring a M1 class license with his father's consent six months later. Owen can often be seen looking at himself in the mirrors of his motorcycle as he takes pride in himself and his bike. Any dents or scratches in Freyja cause Owen to get agitated. He will often take out any negative feelings on the nearest acceptable target. He has gotten in trouble for this before at school and he has a reputation for lashing out at people.

Even though he isn’t the nicest person he still has respect for his father, a large but strong father figure. When Owen was thirteen his father took him out to hunt wild game. Owen has only handled guns of the long arm type a handful of times. Owen has killed a deer and two rabbits with his father’s guidance and his aim isn’t remarkable. The hunting trips were permanently cancelled after Owen's uncle who did similar trips was mauled by a bear, he survived but was disfigured. Owen's father has refused to go hunting since. He is very weary of bears, but he does not have a phobia of them.

Owen idolizes his older brother who has what he perceives as the perfect lifestyle. His emotions towards his brother are a mixture of jealousy and respect. His brother Peter has a great house, a gorgeous girlfriend and a hi-tech job. Peter sees Owen as someone who squanders his potential and encourages him to study more. Owen stays up until late at night reading short fiction stories, his favourite book by far is Stephen King’s Everything's Eventual. If he had to choose a story it would be 1408, however he wasn’t very pleased with the movie.

Owen is also very serious about English studies and it is the only subject which he will study for. He typically gets Bs in English but has been known to get As, the rest of his subjects average at a C or lower. Owen can be found in the library occasionally but he insists that he is only there for the fiction books.

He was in a relationship with Cassidy Kant at one point but the relationship ended badly, most likely due to Owen's selfish personality. Owen has a fierce rivalry with Naomi Bell and will do anything in his power to ruin her day. Owen is constantly putting odd things in her locker and bags and will attempt elaborate pranks in order to get her to scream in front of the student body and has yet to succeed. He also believes that if anyone were to damage his motorcycle it would be her.

He sees himself as fashionable and takes great pride in his appearance, even going so far as to apply makeup to cover blemishes - a fact that he hides from the other students. He is a known narcissist and this extends to not only himself but his handiwork too. For this reason he is good for group work as his pride will not allow him to submit sub-par work when others are involved in his handiwork. He will fight bitterly to have his way in group projects and accepts very little advice and suggestion.

He considers himself to be both good looking and intelligent, so romantically speaking he is very picky. He is verbally aggressive but does not see himself as a powerful person; he prefers to participate in arguments rather than to fight physically. Owen can be considered a little cowardly as he is quick to flee physical conflict; it is not uncommon to see him fleeing from someone he has gotten into a fight with. More than once he has gotten stuck in a tree with someone waiting for him on the ground. Despite being a good runner he refuses to participate in any sports or join any teams.

Advantages: Owen is quite quick on his feet and can also be considered good at climbing up trees. He also has steady hands and is used to taking things without people noticing. His brief experience around rifles also ensures that he at least knows how to use them without injuring himself or doing anything ridiculous. He is not familiar with every type of gun however.
Disadvantages: His disadvantages include the fact that he isn't very trust worthy and would likely have difficulty joining groups. His personality and tendency to steal also can attribute to the likeliness that he will not cope well in groups, especially those that already have an air of distrust. Due to his slender build he isn't as powerful as many of the other student and it is very possible that he could be out muscled and for this reason he wouldn't be good for hand to hand situations. He has also been known to get stuck in trees.
Edited by Serpico, Jan 15 2012, 12:31 PM.
NOTHING HERE, GO HOME EVERYONE.
Brady Kim Floyd || Cochise Highschool - Senior || Status - Just Fine || Availability: NIl. ||
Pregame thread count: || 1 ||
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Crash
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diseasedbear
Jan 14 2012, 03:54 AM
Name: Owen Veveris
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: 12
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Camping, Hunting, reading short stories, bike (Or motorcycle?) maintenance.

Appearance: Owen Veveris weighs 70 kilos (143 lbs) and is 175 cm tall (five-foot-eight) with an average sized build. He has a heart shaped face with close set eyes and pale skin. His hair colour is sandy blonde and he often slicks it back. Owen has hazel coloured eyes. His body is the type suited for running and as such he is lightly muscled and toned. (If you're going to separate paragraphs, please do it with a line break. Otherwise, this needs to be combined into a full paragraph.)
He normally wears a plain white T-shirt under a simple black leather jacket, blue jeans and black dress boots. His accessories include black metal ear cuffs with studs; he also wears a silver ring with a possibly fake sapphire on it plus a supposedly expensive silver watch.
On the day of his abduction however he happened to be wearing a cowboy outfit and hat under a brown trench coat. Owen claims that it was part of an elaborate prank that he planned to pull off on one Naomi Bell. Said prank would have included paint, a figurine of Optimus prime, a record player with Bon Jovi on it and a toy pistol. (As I've said before, description of what a character is wearing during their abduction is irrelevant, because IC we do not yet know that these students will be abducted. Focus their clothing style on their normal high school attire, and feel free to add that detail in when he's applied for v5 proper, please.)

Biography: His (A new section of the biography needs to re-introduce "Owen" as the subject before you can say "his". Just a grammatical observation.) family moved from Latvia before he was born, bringing with them only enough to make a start in America. He is the second son in the family with no sisters. (This seems like slightly awkward wording to me. Are there only two children in the family, or are there more brothers? Please rephrase this. Something like "Owen was the younger of two boys" would be more appropriate.) His grades were good from a young age, though his English skills were very good and he would come home with some spelling trophies. ("Though" is a poor choice of words, as it implies that his grades being good and his English being good are mutually exclusive. I'd take another look at that. Also, this next sentence needs to be melded into this paragraph.)
His grades would drastically drop once he reached adolescence, a mixture of disinterest and hormones caused him to almost abandon studying altogether.(Please add this sentence into the paragraph above and then separate it here with a break for your new paragraph.)
Around the age of thirteen he would begin to steal small items from his friends, (Period, start a new sentence here.)some would mistake it as kleptomania but the truth is that Owen is a greedy person. Owen isn’t an agreeable person and quick to start pointing out other people’s flaws. This is most evident through his interactions with Naomi Bell. (Who is Naomi? You've mentioned her twice already, but the reader has no idea who she is, nor how she knows Owen.) He has few friends due to his disagreeable personality and his tendency to steal only helps to drive people from him.
(This space down here is what I mean by a line break.)
He has been caught thieving before but more often than not he makes it out of lone pine mall with at least something to speak for his thieving skills.
He is obsessive over his motor cycle, named Freyja after the Norse god of beauty and war. He can often be seen looking at himself in the mirrors of his bike as he takes pride in himself and his bike. Any dents or scratches in Freyja cause Owen to get agitated, he will then take that rage out on the nearest acceptable target. (And has this been noted by anyone, or dealt with in any way? Surely if he ever took this out on a person it wouldn't be dismissed quite so easily.)

Even though he isn’t the nicest person he still has respect for his father, a large but strong father figure. When Owen was thirteen his father took him out to hunt wild game, Owen has only handled guns of the long arm type a handful of times. Owen has only (Don't need that word here.) killed a deer and two rabbits with his father’s guidance and his aim isn’t remarkable. The hunting trips were permanently cancelled after Owen's uncle who did similar trips was mauled by a bear, he survived but was disfigured. Owen's father has refused to go hunting since. He is very weary of bears, but he does not have a phobia of them.

Owen idolises his older brother who has what he perceives as the perfect lifestyle. His emotions towards his brother are a mixture of jealousy and respect, his brother Peter has a great house, a gorgeous girlfriend and a hi-tech job. Peter sees Owen as someone who squanders his potential and encourages him to study more. Owen stays up until late at night reading short fiction stories, his favourite book by far is Stephen King’s Everything is eventual. If he had to choose a story it would be 1408, however he wasn’t very pleased with the movie.

Owen is also very serious about English studies and it is the only subject which he will study for. He typically gets Bs in English but has been known to get As, the rest of his subjects average at a C or lower. Owen can be found in the library occasionally but he insists that he is only there for the fiction books.
He was in a relationship with Cassidy Kant at one point but the relationship ended badly, most likely due to Owen's selfish personality.
Owen has a fierce rivalry with Naomi Bell and will do anything in his power to ruin her day, he is constantly putting odd things in her locker and bags and will attempt elaborate pranks in order to get her to scream in front of the student body, he has yet to succeed.
He also believes that if anyone were to damage his motor cycle it would be her. (We still don't know who Naomi is, how they met, why they dislike each other...)

He sees himself as fashionable and takes great pride in his appearance, even going so far as to apply makeup to cover blemishes - (Add the hyphen here) a fact that he hides from the other students. He is a known narcissist and this extends to not only himself by his handiwork too. For this reason he is good for group work as his pride will not allow him to submit sub-par work when others are involved in his handiwork. He will fight bitterly to have his way in group projects and accepts very little advice and suggestion. (Paragraph break.)
He considers himself to be good both looking and intelligent, so romantically speaking he is very picky. He is verbally aggressive but does not see himself as a powerful person; he prefers to participate in arguments rather than to fight physically.Owen can be considered a little cowardly as he is quick to flee physical conflict; it is not uncommon to see him fleeing from someone he has gotten into a fight with. More than once he has gotten stuck in a tree with someone waiting for him on the ground. Despite being a good runner he refuses to participate in any sports or join any teams.

Advantages: (No space here.)
Owen is quite quick on his feet and can also be considered a good climber. He runs in fast but relatively short sprints and is able to locate decent hiding places. (Really? Why? This hasn't come up before in his biography.) He also has steady hands and is used to taking things without people noticing. His brief experience around rifles also ensures that he at least knows how to use them without injuring himself or doing anything ridiculous. He is not familiar with any type of gun however.
Disadvantages:
However (Unnecessary word) his disadvantages include the fact that he isn't very trust worthy and would like have difficulty joining groups. His personality and tendency to steal also can attribute to the likeliness that he will not cope well in groups, especially those that already have an air of distrust. Due to his slender build he isn't as powerful as many of the other student and it is very possible that he could be out muscled and for this reason he wouldn't be good for hand to hand situations.


Hi bear! Owen is temporarily denied pending a few changes. First of all, could you please change the formatting of the profile so it matches the template? All paragraphs should be separated by a line - which is evident in some places - but it looks like this was either copy/pasted for word or kinda sloppily written. There are line breaks (but no line spacing) in certain places - the paragraphs should all look like a block of text together like this, and then be separated...

...like this, when you want to make a new paragraph. Take a look at some of the other approved profiles if you're having trouble understanding what I mean.

Yellow highlighting denotes grammatical errors, and blue highlighting denotes notes I've written in for pointers.

Take a stab at the pointers I've given so far and re-post when you've given them an edit, please!
v4 Characters:

G23: Claire Lambert: Property of the Fabulous Mr. Toben

v3 Characters:

B65: Dorian Ibanescu: Coastline

Deceased:

B57 - Jeff Marontate: Cleaved
B120: Jim Middleton: Pummeled
G61: Anna Grout: Submitted
G62: Andrea Vanlandingham: Martyred
G39 Alexis Machina: Crushed
G23: Trish McCarroll: Defeated


natlei was sleeping in her bed when someone came thru her window "get away rapist" she said still half asleep and hit one of them in the head with her liucky frying pan then went back tyo bed them men the injected her with a sedative and carried her off
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Serpico
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It's your boy.
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Hello Crash.

Thank you for taking the time to evaluate Owen's profile. I have made changes according to your feedback and I hope that the profile is acceptable now.
NOTHING HERE, GO HOME EVERYONE.
Brady Kim Floyd || Cochise Highschool - Senior || Status - Just Fine || Availability: NIl. ||
Pregame thread count: || 1 ||
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Crash
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Thanks Bear! A few more minor fixes to make, but the improvements look great so far.

- I'd add something about his thievery to his "hobbies and interests" section - because clearly it seems to be a hobby for him.

- In his appearance, it's a good start, but other than his hazel eyes, heart-shaped face and hair/complexion, I don't know much about how he looks like. How about his nose, cheekbones, lips, smile, jawline, forehead, etc? Does he have acne, like other teenage boys sometimes struggle with? Any distinct facial markings? Ear piercings? Anything that sets him apart?

- Still a couple instances where you need to make "motorcycle" one word. And on that note, how did he get a motorcycle? He's a high school student, so I'm guessing he couldn't afford to just buy it. Was it a gift, or passed down from someone? Can he even drive it / does he have the right license? Is the bike even drivable to begin with? Couple things could do with being expanded on there.

- Another minor grammatical nitpick - after "his father took him out to hunt wild game" - you should end that sentence with a period before starting the one about rifles. Two separate ideas. Same with after saying that his emotions towards Peter are a mix of jealousy and respect - end that sentence there too.

- The disadvantage about getting stuck in trees is a cute touch...I'm not sure how much of a disadvantage it really is, but I chuckled.

Great improvement, but still a little ways to go!
v4 Characters:

G23: Claire Lambert: Property of the Fabulous Mr. Toben

v3 Characters:

B65: Dorian Ibanescu: Coastline

Deceased:

B57 - Jeff Marontate: Cleaved
B120: Jim Middleton: Pummeled
G61: Anna Grout: Submitted
G62: Andrea Vanlandingham: Martyred
G39 Alexis Machina: Crushed
G23: Trish McCarroll: Defeated


natlei was sleeping in her bed when someone came thru her window "get away rapist" she said still half asleep and hit one of them in the head with her liucky frying pan then went back tyo bed them men the injected her with a sedative and carried her off
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Serpico
Member Avatar
It's your boy.
[ *  * ]
Thanks again Crash.

I have made more changes according to your feedback. Hopefully third time's the charm.
NOTHING HERE, GO HOME EVERYONE.
Brady Kim Floyd || Cochise Highschool - Senior || Status - Just Fine || Availability: NIl. ||
Pregame thread count: || 1 ||
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Crash
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APPROVED
v4 Characters:

G23: Claire Lambert: Property of the Fabulous Mr. Toben

v3 Characters:

B65: Dorian Ibanescu: Coastline

Deceased:

B57 - Jeff Marontate: Cleaved
B120: Jim Middleton: Pummeled
G61: Anna Grout: Submitted
G62: Andrea Vanlandingham: Martyred
G39 Alexis Machina: Crushed
G23: Trish McCarroll: Defeated


natlei was sleeping in her bed when someone came thru her window "get away rapist" she said still half asleep and hit one of them in the head with her liucky frying pan then went back tyo bed them men the injected her with a sedative and carried her off
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