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V5 Concepts Thread; Let 'em loose here
Topic Started: May 8 2011, 04:08 PM (28,893 Views)
Laurels
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She definitely sounds like someone who would harass Rachael, especially since Rachael is also in the fighting tournament.
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Brackie
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I've kinda been feeling a bit off about Alina, so she may not be going in the game. She'll still be pre gaming, but maybe not the island.

As a replacement, I've redone Angeline!:

Angeline Polidando: I don't have much except that instead of a grungy punk guitarist with drug problems, she's a singer now. Unlike Alina, she has a magnificent voice, and has been uploading videos of covers online with karaoke versions of songs because she can only sing, can't play any other instruments. She's also a cheerleader, child of a divorced mother who left her dad when she was ten, and has an almost bipolar personality. She's usually sweet and happy, but other times she gets annoyed very easily and tends to snap back at people. Pic's in my signature.
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I can't sing but I wrote you a song

Wrong notes but the melody's so clear

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cause I found my treasure in you
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Lexi
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Well my two ideas are:

Jackson Narokostavolos: An second generation Greek/French immigrant, Jackson is a member of the football team and is a closeted gay. He has a very short fuse and has been suspended several times for lashing out at people who he sees as being like him and hold a lot of grudges. However, he has had a long term crush on one of his team-mates, which is kind of obvious to everyone except himself.

Leanne "Lele" Berkinson: The sterotypical good Christian girl on the outside, Lele isn't so sweet on the inside. Pushy, judgemental and an all round snob, Lele is obsessed with having things done her way. She is selfish and bitchy, yet she deeply thinks on the inside that she is a good person.
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teamsleep
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dahmer party of five.
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So I came up with 3 dudes/dudettes kind of splitting apart from my original idea.

Tim Tavares is a punk rock anarchist, though much to his own chagrin he has very little grasp on how anarchism works- his parents were laid off and his dad pretty much drank himself to death, so he blames it on corrupt governments and alcohol. Emma Goldman is his history crush.


Chuck Morrison thinks so deep he eats religion and shits out enlightenment. He needs a lot of work because as it is he's just a carbon copy of Jim Morrison.

Helena Kanellis isn't a stereotypical bitch but is an incredibly lechlike person. Also needs work.

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Billiards
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I have come up with three concepts in the last few days, and felt like sharing them. But looking at the other concepts in the thread, I feel a bit inadequate with the characters.

Seth Doberman: An insomniac who always seems and acts like he is unhealthily fatigued, when in social situations, he seems friendly, but somewhat shy and awkward, however, behind this seemingly friendly personality, he is a cold and calculating individual, overanalyzing scenarios and people, to gather information about them and about the personalities and feelings of people to manipulate them to his personal gain. Not to say he has bad motives, he just never learned growing up that treating everything in such a robotic manner is creepy and not largely socially accepted. He actually didn't learn a lot growing up, his parents weren't exactly the most active guardians in the world.

His interests also usually reflect this attitude, usually involving stuff with lots of patterns, he likes board and card games, plays drums in a mediocre garageband, and programming.

(My most developed character concept of the three, I'm satisfied with how the idea turned out.)

Esther Sandman: An extremely childish girl with a bizarre mixture of ADHD and undiagnosed aspergers, they have an interest about the great outdoors and more specifically, wild life, that some might say borders on the slightly obsessive.

(Seeing as I have both ADHD and mild aspergers myself, this character would be easy to write about, still need to flesh out the concept a bit first though.)

Chase Lancaster: The son of an american soldier, who thanks to his father's job and his mother's absence travels abroad with his father, never living in one country for longer then a whole year, and even that is a rare amount of time length-wise, because of the impact this has on his lifestyle, he has a hard time keeping friends, knowing this problem, he usually just keeps to himself, but if approached, he is fairly easy to talk to, even if he is a bit too sarcastic for a few people's tastes. He speaks with a bizarre mixture of slang and euphemisms from the different countries his father and him have lived in throughout their lives and has a tendency to get sidetracked into telling stories about his life of travelling around the world.

Recently his father has been stationed in Seattle, Washington for a period of at least eight months. Chase, considering this a rare chance to actually make long term friends, has decided to try his hardest to make some connections at his new school.

(I'm not really sure about this character, as much as I like the idea of a walking mashup of various cultural influences, it may be hard to write without it making it overly silly.)
Here be V5 character concepts:
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Namira
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Null sheen.
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I'm not going to lie - Seth seems like a trademark sociopath. A lot of the traits you've put down there are common to that kind of person, and in honesty that's not really the kind of character we'd like to see here. I'm not telling you to scrap the concept, but with my staff hat on, I can tell you that elements like "cold and calculating", "manipulating people to his personal gain" and "treating everything robotically" send up immediate red flags, so you'll have to be very, very careful.
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Namira
Oct 21 2011, 10:40 AM
I'm not going to lie - Seth seems like a trademark sociopath. A lot of the traits you've put down there are common to that kind of person, and in honesty that's not really the kind of character we'd like to see here. I'm not telling you to scrap the concept, but with my staff hat on, I can tell you that elements like "cold and calculating", "manipulating people to his personal gain" and "treating everything robotically" send up immediate red flags, so you'll have to be very, very careful.
I didn't actually mean for him to be a sociopath, but looking back, I can see why you would say that, I will probably get rid of all of that stuff from the concept and just make him a lonely nerd with sleeping problems if it might seem stale to anybody.
Here be V5 character concepts:
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Namira
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It's less that it seems conceptually 'stale' and more that we tend to have bad experiences with those types of characters and as such he would be very unlikely to get approved. Essentially the traits made him look like a character specifically designed to play the game.

M'glad you're rethinking. ^^.
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storyspoiler
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Quick note: probably dropping Mallory's fencing/athleticism because, really, what fun is it to play a character who's too well-rounded? She's still brilliant, but now she's just a nerd ;)

I think I'm also going to put Yelene back on my roster, and end up with three characters--my full complement. So my snarky stoner is back. I also need more ways to develop Edgar's personality, and may mess around and change him dramatically before pre-game starts (boys are hard).
Edited by storyspoiler, Oct 23 2011, 08:05 PM.
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Alice Boucher was a liar.
Liz Polanski played with fire.

And who the hell is Radio Asuka?
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blindside
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Alright here goes - any feedback would be mucho' appreciated.


Name: Noah Harrington

Age: 18

Grade: 12

Hobbies and Interests: Member of the school chess club, former bench-sub on the basketball team, swimming enthusiast and part-time online poker junkie. He's also an avid reader.

Background: Noah started out his freshman semester like any other high school student - seeking out new friends and interesting experiences with the intention of doing as little homework as humanly possible. While never, in his early years, considered part of the "in crowd" Noah was still fairly well known among social circles and got along great with most everybody, yet at the same time never really standing out. This would change radically when, come sophomore year, he began dating his childhood sweetheart.

In contrast to the aloof and lazy Noah, his girlfriend was an overachiever and all around go getter. Popular, ambitious, and charismatic - she tried her best to improve Noah where she could, but with little success. Despite the constant disappointments, Noah even went so far as to try out for and eventually (though barely) make it onto the school basketball team, simply for the purpose of trying to impress her.

When rumors of his girlfriend cheating on him reached Noah's ears, he initially shook it off as mindless gossip. It wasn't until his own best friends fessed up the truth of her infidelity that he was shaken out of inaction. He immediately confronted his girlfriend, and in the ensuing fistfight with her new boyfriend, Noah took the worst of it and was beaten bloody. To top off the humiliation, the entire one-sided brawl was captured on camera and posted on the internet for all of Noah's peers to see.

Defeated and shamed, Noah took some time off towards the end of the school year and more or less cut off all contact with his (supposed) school buddies. He disappeared completely over the summer break, having gone out of town to visit a sick family member.

After his uncle passed away from advanced stomach cancer, Noah finally re-emerged from limbo and returned to school for the Fall term, undoubtedly a much different person than when he'd left. While still amiable and polite to a point, Noah possesses a certain coldness and hostility that keeps his old friends wary and away. Unbeknownst to his fellow students, Noah would like nothing better than to see the school year ruined for each and every one of them.

Personality:
Though not a completely bad person at heart, Noah's traumatic experiences have left him embittered and disillusioned. He believes almost everyone else is deceitful by nature and, in turn, has become a chronic liar himself.

Below all that, Noah can still form affable relationships with others, and can also be loyal and otherwise kind if his trust is earned.

Appearance: Noah stands at somewhere around 6 feet tall with a slender, somewhat athletic build. He has dark brown eyes and coal black hair cut short and spiky, with the sides faded even shorter. His skin is a tanned olive color as per his French-Metis and Cherokee background.

He can commonly be seen either wearing simple tees with jeans and black boots, or dark dress shirts over white tank tops.

Advantages: An avid game player, Noah possesses a sharp intellect and strategic mind, which he never fully took advantage of until recently. He'll attempt to lie his way out of any situation, and would not hesitate to try and manipulate someone if he thinks it will get him ahead. As far as physical ability, Noah is in moderate shape from being an active swimmer.

Disadvantages: He has little to no fighting/combat prowess, and his tendency to think he's smarter than everyone else has and can backfire on him harshly. Noah also would be hard-pressed to actually kill anyone, survival or not.


Currently looking for some people who would've known or even been friends with Noah before he went M.I.A for a bit. Would definitely be appreciated. Also possibly someone for the ex-girlfriend and her new boyfriend, though I may play the latter myself.

Cheers!


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Oh, the usual. I bowl. Drive around. The occasional acid flashback.
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Brackie
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Hey blindside! I see this is your first post, so welcome to SOTF!

Alright, here's some feedback I shall give for Mr Noah:

Alright, the hobbies - you've got a pretty eclectic (varied and good) set of hobbies there, it's good too see someone not too hung up on restricting themselves to certain hobbies for certain archetypes. The only things that pop out IMO are the chess and poker, which I'll talk about in a bit.

I know this isn't the official profile, since you don't need to write those until pre game actually opens, but it's always good to put in some thought as to your character's story before school, such as homelife, parents, elementary/middle school, and whatnot - what shaped the way they grew up? They're always essential in writing character profiles. The only other thing that I can see that raises my eyebrow a little is that you mention junior year - that's eleventh grade, right? What did he do in freshman and sophomore year? Did he move there?

Now, the girl - at first glance, I don't see anything particularly wrong with such a thing, since hey, I've done some crazy stuff for people I like in high school too. I can see Noah as a victim in this particularly, and the ensuing conflict? I can't tell if Noah's getting beat up by the girl or the new guy, but either way it's pretty character-shaping and something I don't see anything particularly wrong with.

The big red flag with this profile, however, is the final paragraph. The way it is written, and the way it ties into some of his interests and hobbies mentioned above kind of scream "pre-made player", as in someone who would go into SOTF with no visible qualms with killing their classmates. That's a no-no here at SOTF, and even though I'm nowhere near as adept at critiquing and giving feedback, I suggest that's something you change.

And it's mentioned again in his personality - beat them at their own game, pretending to form relationships? Yeah, that's more than likely not going to fly, especially with the attitude and history you've mentioned, it echoes the pre-made player intention earlier.

Again, in the advantages - manipulating classmates, keen understanding of how they tick? Dittoing the above statement in that it all makes him seem too much of a pre-made.

All in all, you've got a good base for a character here, especially one that would go to lengths to get a girl (you don't see too many of those in SOTF, at least I haven't), but it's been smothered up at the end with all these tendencies that are not going to fly in the profile. If you want to improve him, I suggest taking a long hard look at the aforementioned quirks - the psychological understanding, the manipulation, the aloofness in relationships, etc and really ask yourself if you really want to make a disturbed teenager visibly capable of killing his classmates. More than likely, it won't get through.

Don't be discouraged by this long post of criticism, however - like I said at several points in this critique, you've got some genuinely good bits in there that are simply covered up by the negative! I would be very interested in seeing what someone who goes to great lengths to get a girl only to get rejected/cheated on is like, since I haven't seen much of that in my stay here. Just get rid of the aforementioned pre-made quirks, build his personality and backstory a bit more, and you'll have a great start to a character!
Posted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted ImagePosted Image
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I can't sing but I wrote you a song

Wrong notes but the melody's so clear

When I'm lost, I'm still close to gold

cause I found my treasure in you
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blindside
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Hi Inky and thanks for the quick response. Your feedback is very helpful and yes, this is definitely a work in progress. I agree with a lot of the points you made. I think the main thing I should've made clear is Noah is definitely not a pre-made killer, and would be hesitant to kill even in self-defense. He's not a villain, just someone who's BECOME manipulative to shield himself emotionally. I was leaning more towards him having come back just to mess with people's heads, and ruin their school times by causing as much backstabbery-esque drama as possible pre-game.

But you're right on toning down some of the pre-made qualities. I guess I could change his advantages to him simply being a good liar and a good planner to a point, with the implication that he was always somewhat smart just profoundly lazy and unmotivated in the past. My idea was that he'd view the battle royale initially as a game, THE GAME, and try to be the Token Wannabe Strategist at least until reality kicks him in the face.

I'll definitely work on the childhood aspect as well. Again, thanks, and any other advice is welcome.

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The Burned Handler
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blindside
Oct 31 2011, 12:42 AM
He's not a villain, just someone who's BECOME manipulative to shield himself emotionally.
Just to note, you might want to make that more clear, because I can definitely see where he comes off as a pre-made player, and staff might want you to nix the manipulativeness entirely.
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Hiya, jerk! Please don't post until edits have been completed, as doing so causes confusion/messes up the queue.


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Namira
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Quick note: I would prefer that definitive 'no's on aspects of characters like being manipulative and so on not be thrown around unless you are speaking from a staff perspective. Really, there's nothing wrong with offering constructive criticism - but please do not make swooping statements like "that isn't going to fly" etc. Those kinds of critiques are the staff's job.
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