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KILLSIFIEDS version 2; Updated for Version 4
Topic Started: Feb 3 2011, 10:25 PM (953 Views)
decoy73
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Winner
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hey, everyone! I was perusing the boards and I noticed the Killisifieds topic. Being that Clio Gabriella is now dead, thus removing a major killer from the game, and I still have a combined zero kills overall (I want at least one of my characters to get one kill), I have decided to restart the topic. For any that have not read the original topic (which is here, for v3), this is basically a thread where we advertise our characters as potential killers.

As such, here goes ...

Ever been in love? Simon Telamon (Male #41) has. But that is now in the past. With his girlfriend, leading killer Clio Gabriella, now dead, Simon's on the market, looking for vengeance, and he's not caring to discern between targets. He's killing for honor, and he has an unconventional way of doing it. He's strong enough so that the key he's armed with doesn't get in his way, and anybody going for the knees will be pleasantly surprised at the prosthetic leg he sports ... until it's swung into your face.

Second up, the incredibly hot, well armed Charlene Norris (Female #31)! Currently stuck between two loyalties (mainly that of her best friend and that of the guy who saved her life), she's got an FN Browning Hi-Power, a hair trigger, and an itchy trigger finger for any of those willing to threaten her or her friends (Disclaimer: Jello shots not included).

But, Zubin, you may say. I don't like all these up-front kills. They're much too obvious. Well, not to worry, Tiffany Chanders (Female #50), is the remedy for you! Armed with a golf club and lackey Quincy Jones (although she'll never say that) with a Springfield M1903, she's the killer for those of you with more subtle tastes. Always ready to kill someone "in self defense," by "accident," or simply make a "mercy kill," she's also more than willing to use your character for her own ends before cutting your throat when you become inconvenient.

PM or IM me at decoy73 if you're interested!
Female #16: Jaime Schanbacher; Status: ACTIVE 0
Female #42: Sabrina Luz; Status: ACTIVE 0


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Survivor: The Cursed Islands


Mass Effect Mafia - PLAY AND WIN

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MurderWeasel
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Moved this to Roleplaying Discussion. Seems to fit better here.
V7:
Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki
Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi
Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi
Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki
Library Vee
Misty Browder
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KamiKaze
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Can you hear me?
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
My turn!

*ahem*

Want someone to go mama bear on your ass? Want someone who wants to make sure she escapes the island? Why, try Aileen Borden! Aileen Borden has a trusty hammer, that she will use to defend herself, or if the need arises, to defend someone else. Yes, she's a bitch, but touch someone in her group and you will DIE. Not to mention she's currently hanging around Aaron Hughes, and we all know what he's like!

"But what if I want someone who's about to snap?" you may ask. But no fear! We at KamiKaze co. provide you with Anna Chase, who isn't willing to kill just yet. But guess what? She has been traumatized to hell and back by the deaths of her ex-boyfriend, her best friend, and her best friend's boyfriend! Not only that, but so far this girl's been mugged, held hostage (twice!), threatened with death, witnessed multiple incidences of violence, ran into a psychotic Russian and a religious zealot, and had a corpse fall into her thread! And that's only a quick list! This girl just needs one more thing, and she'll be ready to go!

What's that? Want someone who's ALREADY crazy? We have something fun for you! Remy Kim has been increasingly becoming paranoid as hell! First it started when his sister scared off one of the Ishidas, and then the other Ishida got killed! And then someone threw a sawblade like a discus at one of his allies, killing her, and then said sister sympathized with him! Add in a paranoid fear of being stalked, and bingo! Remy Kim is all set and ready to go with his switchblade!

But what's this? Want something "unconventional"? Want something "interesting"? You got it! Zombie!Carol Burke will one day come back from the dead to eat some brains! Why? Because it should happen! Zombies make everything better! Don't question it! Heck, we could make her track down Reiko and get her shotgun back, making brain-eating a lot easier! Want to get killed by a zombie? Try Zombie!Carol Burke TODAY!
RICHARDS/BAINES OTP!

Coming to a V7 near you.
Bree Jones- "I'm not exaggerating when I say that my fish are smarter."
Roxanne "Roxie" Borowski- "Next video? Oh man, tons of ideas, dude. Lemme get the makeup for that."

In Loving Memory

Humiliating things I caught you guys saying

Kami's Promise for v6 (doing this again)

Posted Image

Let's show that private threads aren't necessary! I pledge not to start any private threads on island in V6. If I started a thread, you are welcome to join it.
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Tythanin
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Time to Spare
[ *  *  * ]
It's time to jump up on the killwagon. Wait, that's not even witty. Well, whatever.

---

Are you upset? Are you concerned that you've gotten rolled in the last announcement but there are just so many different killers on the island to choose from? Is it just too fucking hard to make a choice nowadays? Well here at Tythanin's Chopping Block*, we provide the alternate solution for your every day killing needs! That's right! Are you tired of actual killers earning the right to off your beloved (or maybe not so beloved) character? Do you want someone who has no desire to kill anyone kill your character?! Then you've come to the right place, my friends! Here at Tythanin's Chopping Block we have actual non-players just ready and waiting to have their figurative cherries popped!

First up is B117 - Andrew Mitchell! This young man enjoys running, video games, and those traditional P&P games, but don't mistake him for some sort of nerd hellbent on taking revenge on his nonexistent bullies! Andrew's got a hyperactive imagination and no desire to kill, so he have no reason to murder you except in self defense! And what would this self-defense be?! Why, it's nothing more than a fully-loaded Vektor CP1! And do you know the best part about this weapon besides the BANG BANG noise and the swift, painful death that'll follow minutes later? It might be one of those models that got recalled because they could accidentally misfire when dropped!

That's right! He might not even kill you on purpose but it's all the same to Danya! Not only will you get a death that just comes out of left field, you'll also send this young man into a whirling blame spiral! Watch as you see him come to terms with your death and feel proud that you, yes you were the reason!

Second, but not last, on our lovely list is G098 - Melissa Li! This demure, introverted Chinese girl is your ticket to getting a death from someone who really shouldn't be getting one in the first place! She's armed not only with a Jetboil Camping Stove, but right now she's also holding Felicia's yearbook and she knows what to do with it! Namely look at it and cry over how many people have died in the game already. But you can turn those tears to your boon because she's just half a step from snapping and YOU can be the scissors that cut off her last string of sanity!

Laugh, cry, and feel all sorts of other complex emotions as you turn this sweet little girl into a psychotic murderer! That's right, the chance to fuck up someone's mind is all yours and all you have to do is think to yourself, "Hmmm...I could give it to this guy over here...or I could give it to her and send her down the wrong path of character development. I'll flip a coin."

And finally, for those kills from beyond the fucking grave, we've got both G116 - Violetta Lindsberg and G065 - Michelle O'Cain! Aaaaand...honestly, yeah, I got nothing. Hey, I've got it! With Michelle O'Cain, you can re-enact that (maybe) famous scene from SotF V1 where Sidney Crosby was totally helping Adam Dodd kill Cody Jenson despite the fact that the dude was shot like so many times (where's your goddamn best player in the NHL NOW HAHAHAHAHA *cough*). The stories write themselves!

So if you're thinking, "Shit man, this dude knows what he's talking about." then goddamn you are so fucking right. So send a PM my way if you want to make a difference.

*People who register at Tythanin's Chopping Block will not always be chopped. They may instead be bludgeoned, shot, stabbed, thrown off a cliff, some combination of the above, or simply strangled to death. Tythanin's Chopping Block is not responsible for any misconceptions you may have about there being a block and chopping going on.
Edited by Tythanin, Feb 4 2011, 01:45 AM.
"Oh god dammit, I lost my sense of humor around here. Someone help me find it."

---

Approved V5 Pre-Game Characters:

Faria Young - Generals of Elysium (The Waterfront)
Annabelle Summers - Where Is My Muse? (Lunch Room)

"And who the hell came up with this play?! "Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet" ...Dude, THEY ALL DIE!"

Cosmosphere - Now Serving as a Crappy Writing Blog
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Fiori
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The Fiorious One
[ *  *  *  * ]
Sure, why not :P

----------------------------------------

Tired of all those amature and inexperienced killers killing your characters via an accident or a fluke of nature? Want your character to die at the hands of someone with a bith of experience? Then look no further than Maxwell Lombardi! With already nine (Yes, you heard me, NINE!) satisfied customers, Maxwell's the kind of guy you DON'T want to meet in a dark ally at 3am in the morning! With his trusty Glock and twisted sense of fun, you can be assured that your character will meet their maker with style! Whether they'd like to or not ;)

But, you say, perhaps you'd like your character to die at the hands of someone a lot less obvious as far as semi-hardened killers goes? Then look no further than Marty J. Lovett! Whilst this pipsqueak is by no means the most conventional killer, he's already shown that he has what it takes to play if it means he could protect his best friend Joshua! And who knows what could happen once Joshua finally kicks the bucket and leaves poor Marty all alone? Will he snap? Or will he finally get the inspiration to get off his ass and show the world he means buisness? Thats for US to know, and for YOU to find out!
Warning: Ruthless streak not included.
V5 Characters

Brian Zhdanovich - Homestead
Ruby Forrester - Shopping Mall
Jenna Rhodes - Hotel

Deceased V4 Characters
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laZardo
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^This is not what a Laz looks like^
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Hi, Laz here, founder and CEO of LaZardo's New Endings.

Did you turn on the news today, see a whole bunch of things heating up in the Middle East and wish you could get some of that heat for yourself? Tired of waiting 'till inactivity for blown collars and cheap kills with too much emotional fluff and too little graphical detail? Look no further than Rashid "B-144" Hassan, an activist rockin' straight outta Amman and just looking for someone to put down to make himself feel a little less useless! Locked in the game for 72 hours and more paranoid than 80% of Arabia's dictators, The Rash needs someone to scratch and someone to scratch hard and long! Don't let that tiny bottle of pills fool you, give him the opportunity to snatch a stray weapon and you'll experience his patented Baghdad Necktie Technique before you can shout Death To Danya!

But, you say, you do want some of that good old fashioned ultraviolence? Grab some by the tortilla-full and spice it up to muy caliente pendejo with our residente psycopatico Cisco "B-140" Vasquez! A second-string goalie with a screw permanently loose, he's already claimed his first victim (because every zombie will tell you that experience counts!) and is just one loose word away from unleashing a Circular Sawblade Cinco De Mayo, three months early! Don't fear this reaper's apprentice, call us in the next 5 minutes and we'll toss in a musical interlude to festively serenade you to the Land of the Dead courtesy of our affiliates at Manny Calavera Records!

Call 555-9292 or drop us a PM and get ready to earn us a BKA yourself that BDA you always dreamed!

LaZardo's New Endings. It will be a motherfucking miracle, I HONKing guarantee it.

*BDA not guaranteed. Do not PM Laz while drunk or in the late stages of pregnancy. Side effects may include anal seepage, unrelenting rage and profanity, a paralyzing sense of disappointment and randomly-generated drabble fics. If reading a New Ending and you have an erection that lasts more than four hours and fail to cum while fapping, see a psychologist immediately.
Edited by laZardo, Feb 4 2011, 07:36 AM.

Unfucked: Cisco Vasquez (V4)
Proper Fucked: Harris Van Allen (The Program), Rashid Hassan (V4)
Fucked Soon: Carlos Lazaro and Eliza Patton
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Chib
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Oh my god you guys The Riz killed Cara what do!?
[ *  *  * ]
I was hoping this would come back, was almost going to resurrect it myself...

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING GOD TAKE A LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKING EMA RYAN RIGHT HERE. I mean Holy Zeus do you see that Falcata that is one sweet fucking Falcata, did you know it was probably made in Pre-Roman Hispania? Where the fuck is that, you ask? It's Spain, but like a trillion years ago. This shit probably has ancient magical powers or something fuck I don't know BUT IT LOOKS AWESOME ANYWAY.
And the chick using it? She may look like a weedy, lazy nerd, BUT DON'T BE FOOLED. Anyone that small is CLEARLY A NINJA. Studies show that 80% of the time, small people are ninjas, 100% of the time! She's also Irish, so she's ALSO A LEPRECHAUN and HAS MAGICAL RAINBOW POWERS. So step right the fuck up if you feel like dying, or run like hell if you don't, this Ema girl will CUT YOU OPEN AND PLAY OPERATION WITH YOUR CORPSE.

Or are you in the market for something more classy and stylish? Then look no further than this top of the range Logan Reynolds. Tall, dark and handsome in every sense of the phrase, and well armed with a classic Icelandic Hakapik, just as perfect and efficient for the slaughter of students as it is for seals. Order now, and he'll throw in a scathingly honest appraisal of your faults and shortcomings, absolutely free, because he's a follower of Radical Honesty and never lies.
Could this deal be any sweeter? The answer is yes, of course. As part of the Logan Reynolds life-termination package, you may also choose to recieve a dramatic monologue about morality, freedom and other such philosophical topics, just to make your already dramatic death just that bit more poetic.

Call 1800-LIFE-GONE or send a PM to "Chib" to place an order immediately. This offer is limited to the lifespans of Ema Ryan and Logan Reynolds, so don't delay to avoid disappointement!

[This commercial produced and funded by Chib Life-Terminations and International House of Pancakes Ltd.]

[Magical swords/leprechaun powers not guaranteed. Magic-related death may also result in an altered afterlife experience, always read the label.]

On a more serious note, I am very much looking to kill someone with Ema, in a needlessly brutal, sword-based manner. Logan would be more self-defense but is just as viable for killings.
Every time you fall asleep you die. Someone else wakes up in your body, thinking they're you.
You are alone and trapped in your own mind, the world around you is your lie.
Soon you will be nothing, you will never again hear sounds, never again see colours, never again be anyone.


Riley Moon appreciates that Action Needs an Audience, but it's hard not to watch. Hair Status: Bubblegum Pink
Parallel with: The Heavy Weapons Guy

The Past
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Stark
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Nuts.
[ *  *  * ]
Well, let's bump this, why don't we?

Got a character set to die, but want them to go out fighting? R.J. Lowe is still wide open to add to his death toll, but it's on you, intrepid reader, to take the initiative, as he isn't the type to go out of his way to take a life. No, this immovable object here is simply around to prove that there's no such thing as an unstoppable force. And if that sounds like a challenge? It goddamn is. So you wanna go down in an act of self defense? R.J. is your man, friends.

Act now, though, because this offer may not last much longer!
<Mimi>: You are much nicer than I thought you'd be!
<Stark>: Shut up, fatty.
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MK Kilmarnock
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Hate, hate, HATE!!!
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Welcome to scenic Bloodgarden, where all your hopes and dreams will... probably get crushed into a ball and squeezed into fertilizer for somebody else's hopes and dreams!

In operation for over two days, Bloodgarden offers a wonderful variety of botanical splender! Come admire the wildflowers, including rare and endangered lady slippers! Marvel at the majesty of the sleeping maiden of the garden! And finally, when you're ready to go... don't! Because you will never leave.

You will never. Ever. Leave.

Just kindly lay down and die, and spread all of your blood all over the ground, you formless bag of guts and plant food. You don't deserve to hold your own glory, so give it all to her! Yes... yes, join her monument! And stay here! FOREVER!

- Bloodgarden Groundkeeper, Liam "Brook" Brooks.
V6 Tributes

Spoilers, Ricky didn't win V5

Things We Say
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Sean
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Internet de geso~
[ *  * ]
Milo Taylor is in the market for kills, armed with nothing but two hands and giant testicles. If you wanna get skullfucked, fuck with Milo.

Joe Rios has a goddamn scythe, you know you want that shit all up in yo guts.
V4 Characters


V5 Characters


Quoth Super Llama:
 
One day, the fabled Ragnarok will come, and as the gods descend to earth and wage war while the world dies around them, WickedIcon will lead the charge, a 12-gauge shotgun in his right hand, and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his left as he rides a steed made of fire and pain.

And the masses will look upon him and weep at the beauty of it all.


Quote:
 
[19:25] Hallucinogenic: it's not like i wanna put my anus on parade


Quote:
 
04:26MimiOH
04:26MimiTHAT'S LESS BAD
04:27MimiI THOUGHT SHE HAD TO JERK OFF MONKEYS
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Chib
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Oh my god you guys The Riz killed Cara what do!?
[ *  *  * ]
We regret to inform our loyal customers that, due to a shotgun-related incident, the Logan Reynolds package deal is no longer available.

However, as part of our ongoing committment to consumer satisfaction, Ema Ryan has been equipped with a brand new Vektor CP1 pistol, and is now at least twice* as dangerous as before! We apologise for any inconveniences caused, and hope the improvement upon our remaining products will satisfy any and all needs.

[This commercial produced and funded by Chib Life-Terminations and International House of Pancakes Ltd.]

*Statistics entirely made up and have no basis in mathematics.
Every time you fall asleep you die. Someone else wakes up in your body, thinking they're you.
You are alone and trapped in your own mind, the world around you is your lie.
Soon you will be nothing, you will never again hear sounds, never again see colours, never again be anyone.


Riley Moon appreciates that Action Needs an Audience, but it's hard not to watch. Hair Status: Bubblegum Pink
Parallel with: The Heavy Weapons Guy

The Past
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Fanatic
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A wonderful fact to reflect upon, that every human creature is constituted to be that profound secret and mystery to every other.
[ *  *  *  * ]
Jason Harris is intent on saving his friends. He tried to be nice but now he's out for blood. If you need a man to take your character down pragmatically and quickly then look no further.

Teo Weinstock has been playing the game since day one. He's managed to keep his hands clean so far though. Will you be the one to change that? A martial artist with a crossbow and no compunction to let you live he'll guarantee that he'll give you a quick and painless death.
Sickness: Partially suicidal... very slightly because of my report, but mostly because Jason is dead. All of my personal issues stem from the fact that Jason Harris did not win SotF v4

William 'Woozie' Wu - "Hey Pheebs, you're amazing babe."

V4
Spoiler: click to toggle
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Tythanin
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Time to Spare
[ *  *  * ]
DING DING DING!

What's that sound? Oh, that's right! I'm sorry, but our special on the Andrew Mitchell death has expired approximately...several days ago, actually! It is a shame that we here at Tythanin's Chopping Block can no longer provide you with as much variety in our killing ways, but DO NOT FRET! We STILL HAVE WAYS OF MAKING YOU TALK I mean we still have ways of killing people with non-killers!

That's right! Melissa's never killed anyone before and she's actually in a good mood! Do you want to be the one to shatter it and send her down that dark and lonely path?! And not only that, you can DO IT IN FRONT OF ONE OF HER CLOSEST FRIENDS! Just imagine the trauma you can deal with JUST ONE DEATH!

Order today! Offers are limited until the time the RNG wants to screw me over!
"Oh god dammit, I lost my sense of humor around here. Someone help me find it."

---

Approved V5 Pre-Game Characters:

Faria Young - Generals of Elysium (The Waterfront)
Annabelle Summers - Where Is My Muse? (Lunch Room)

"And who the hell came up with this play?! "Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet" ...Dude, THEY ALL DIE!"

Cosmosphere - Now Serving as a Crappy Writing Blog
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Outfoxd
Contender
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Just because he's a good guy doesn't mean he needs to bust somebody up every once in awhile.

That's right, Raymond Dawson, SOTF's black guardian angel has just been rescued from another roll, and he's ready to kick some villainous or semi-villainous ass! Whether you just need your character to take a beating and get some humility, or just need them dead in a sweet fight scene(Raymond's handler comes equipped with almost 3 years of martial arts training) culminating in them thinking they just got killed by Shaft, Raymond Dawson's here for all your self-defense needs!

Act now and be Raymond's first kill, where he'll break down or reaffirm that he's doing it all for the good of his friends and family!
V5 Characters:

Leona Van Kamp
Current Thread: Arcadia


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