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| Maxwell Lombardi; Self-Centred Rich Kid | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 9 2010, 09:12 AM (1,073 Views) | |
| Fiori | Mar 9 2010, 09:12 AM Post #1 |
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The Fiorious One
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Name: Maxwell Lombardi Gender: Male Age: 18 Grade: 12th Grade School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Fencing, Archery, Making friends in high places, Classical Literature, Writing, Music, Muay Thai Appearance: Maxwell stands at approximately 5'8, and weighs around 140 lb. He is considered by most people's standards to be attractive with his soft, clean shaven face and athletic build. His dark brown hair is cut into a short, smart style with dark red highlights to make him stand out from the rest of the crowd. He has dark, almost black eyebrows, which depending on your perspective either make him look dashing or threatening. Either way, they go well with his striking dark blue eyes. Because of his partially Italian heritage, his skin tone is slightly darker then most, whilst still light enough to have him classified as being Caucasian. His usual choice of clothing consists of a black shirt, a maroon tie, a smart white jacket with smart white pants to match, a black leather belt with a silver buckle, and shiny black shoes to top it off. Biography: Maxwell was born in Norwich, Norfolk in eastern England to a wealthy upper class family. Whilst his mother Samantha Blake was a conservative barrister, his father Jonathan Blake followed the footsteps of his own father as a contemporary music composer, who himself was following in the footsteps of his father, the Italian immigrant Alfonso Lombardi. Alfonso was well respected back in his home country of Italy, but after immigrating to Britain to escape Mussolini's fascist regime found nothing but poverty awaiting him, leading him to die a poor a forgotten man. However, during this time he married and had three children, two girls and a son. Before he died, he taught his son everything he knew, and his son in turn taught his own son (Jonathan) everything his father taught him. Jonathan and his father both proved to be far more successful, even if their music never make it into the mainstream. Because of their relative successes, Jonathan had grown to be a far wealthier man then his grandfather, and decided to use his wealth and knowledge in aiding his own son, Maxwell, follow the family tradition and become a great contemporary music composer. Because of his father's influence, Maxwell grew to have a significant interest in classical music. He often enjoys listening to the tunes of Beethoven or Bach, especially whilst he practiced his many other hobbies. These include chess, painting, horseback riding, archery, fencing, fox hunting (Despite his terrible accuracy with a rifle), cricket and reading classical literature. Ever since he could remember, Maxwell has had a massive interest in classical literature. Some of his favourites include the works of Christopher Marlowe and H.G Welles, both of whom wrote many of his favourite novels and plays. To a lesser extent, he’s also fond of Kenneth Branagh movies, his favourites being Othello and the 1994 version of Frankenstein. He also has a great interest in Muay Thai (A martial arts style from Thailand) and over time has become quite proficient with the style. He often contends in Muay Thai tournaments, and often tends to win them. He also has a tendency to mix his style with that of moves usually found in taekwondo, another martial arts style he has a passing interest in. Whilst he lived in Britain, his family where able to bless him with privileges most people could only dream of. He would go on holidays to the Mediterranean, skiing trips to Switzerland and eat the finessed delicacies from the most private of restaurants. Because of this, he grew up to become particularly prideful and selfish, and he rarely (if ever) thinks of anybody else’s welfare before his own. However, he also has a great sense in individualism, and despises hive mentality and people who attempt to be “part of the crowd”. He was also given the best education money could buy, and dreamed of one day being able to attend Oxford University. He made many friends at school, mainly fellow upper class students, most of whom stuck by his side even through the worst of situations. The reason for this is partially because of Maxwell's almost excellent diplomatic skills. Since he was a child, Maxwell has always been good at convincing people he was right, or into doing what he wants them to do. Whilst for the most part he tends to succeed, there has been multiple moments wherein this has backfired, sometimes ending up with him lying down bruised and beaten in the dirt (A partial reason as to why he decided to practice Muay Thai). He’s also a renowned ladies man, thanks to both his gentlemanly manner and attractiveness. Although, that being said, there are just as many women who finds his personality despicable and avoid him at all costs. His mental fortitude also has something to do with it, seeing as he can deal with situations where most people would buckle under pressure. Whilst throughout most of his life he’s lived in Britain, recently (After his father accepted a job offer that promised far, far better wages to what he was used to) he and his family moved to St Paul, Minnesota. Maxwell found the change difficult, seeing as he could no longer hang out with any of his old friends back in Norwich. To make matters worse for him, the cost of the move proved greater then they thought, and for the past few months Maxwell has had to temporarily attend a state school as opposed to one of the various private schools in St Paul. Needless to say, Maxwell hasn’t enjoyed his stay. He has little love for the comparatively poorer students around him, and has made little effort to socialize or befriend them. This is partially due to the fact that, seeing as he’s only going to be attending Bayview temporarily, he doesn't see much of a point in making any friends there. Because of this, and because of his prideful nature, he is often viewed negatively by some of his fellow students at Bayview who find him to be self righteous egotist. Despite this, many still find him to be somewhat attractive, and those who’ve seen him practice Muay Thai tend to be impressed by his abilities. Advantages: His primary talent is his diplomatic skills, as he can manipulate and convince most gullible people with relative ease. And, when diplomacy fails, his Muay Thai training can come in handy, as would his small experience in archery and fencing. Mentally, he could probably handle the pressure despite the enormous amount of stress, at the very least for longer then most people could. Disadvantages: His pride can easily get the better of him, causing him to enter situations blindly without thinking about it beforehand. He has a nack for for underestimating people's abilites, meaning that he could easlity mistake people for not being as dangerous as they actually are. He also has little to no practical survival skills, having never been on a camping trip without at least three others to do all the work for him. Also (Despite being a former practitioner of fox hunting) he's never been a good shot with a rifle, or any gun for that matter. Edited by Fiori, Mar 11 2010, 03:31 AM.
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V5 Characters Brian Zhdanovich - Homestead Ruby Forrester - Shopping Mall Jenna Rhodes - Hotel Deceased V4 Characters
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| MurderWeasel | Mar 9 2010, 07:42 PM Post #2 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hi Floriboy! Maxwell is temporarily DENIED. There are a few issues I'd like you to work out before I approve him for pregame. To start with (and this is very minor) your formatting's a bit off. You should only be skipping one line between categories. It's really little, but it makes a big difference when the mods have to mess with formatting (On the wiki and so on). Secondly, and this is the big problem, Maxwell seems to be a premade player (someone who will gladly participate in the killing side of SOTF). Quite simply, large aspects of Maxwell's personality have got to go. Right now, he;s way too proficient at everything. He fences, wins martial arts tournaments, and manipulates everyone he can? His weakness is his brutal revenge urges? He got a teacher fired a a quarter of his music class expelled? I'm not buying it. A huge part of what we're going for in V4 is realism, and Maxwell is lacking in that department. I'm also not buying him escaping any consequences for his actions. That's a huge red flag right now. Similarly, the focus on vengeance is an issue. Basically, everything quoted here: "his Muay Thai training can come in handy, as would his experience in archery, rifles (from fox hunting) and fencing. Mentally, he could handle the pressure despite the enormous amount of stress. And, whilst the act of murder would still be a hard prospect for him, he wouldn’t be as hesitant as some other students due to the fact that he’s only had a few months to get to know them." needs to be toned way down, as well as the elements I've already mentioned. I'd recommend you give Maxwell a very good rereading and editing, and tone way down the prebuilt player elements of his personality. Keep realism in mind. A good rule of thumb is: no character should be superbly skilled in every area, and I should never be able to tell if your character is going to snap and start wantonly killing people just by reading his profile. Post here when you've got Maxwell edited, and I'll give him another look. Thanks! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Fiori | Mar 10 2010, 06:39 AM Post #3 |
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The Fiorious One
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Ok, all seems fair enough to me. To be truly honest, I actually somewhat suspected he'd end up being classified as a "Premade Player", and after a little reread I don’t blame you for denying him. My idea was that, in contrast to my two relatively incompetent characters, he’d be the kind of player who'd actually have a decent chance of winning without making him a complete sociopath. Plus, I wanted to play a character that I could write decent fight scenes with, seeing as my other characters aren’t exactly fit for close-combat. Although, after doing some rereading, the whole "Vengeance" thing does sound somewhat lame and unrealistic, as does his near perfect abilities. I actually feel kind of embarrassed for making the same mistakes so many other players have made in the past. So, I got rid of the whole “brutal retribution” thing and mellowed down his skills somewhat. Plus, I added a disadvantage which I forgot to include after I first conceived him. Hopefully, the edits I made make him seem less overpowered, something I hadn’t actually intended on doing. If there’s any major problems I’ve rather stupidly overlooked, or things I haven’t toned down enough, please don’t hesitate to tell me. After all, nothing wrong with learning from my mistakes, are there? Anyway, thanks for the tips |
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V5 Characters Brian Zhdanovich - Homestead Ruby Forrester - Shopping Mall Jenna Rhodes - Hotel Deceased V4 Characters
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| MurderWeasel | Mar 10 2010, 07:55 PM Post #4 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hey! Thanks for the edits. Don't worry about the stuff; everyone make mistakes now and then and the important thing is to improve on them, which you very evidently have done. There are still a few small things I'd like to see cleared up. They're mostly just details. First off, this "more often then not he tends to win them." is a bit problematic. He can be good, he can win, but "more often than not" suggests to me he's winning, well, more entire tournaments than he's losing, which is a bit of a stretch. I'm also a bit hesitant about his manipulation. He still seems a bit too good at it. The sentences "He made many friends at school, mainly fellow upper class students, all of whom were incredibly loyal towards him, even to the extent of taking the blame for him whenever something negative happened because of him." and, more importantly, "He almost saw manipulation as a sport, often deliberately attempting to trick sharp minded individuals into doing precisely what he wants them to do.", have me a bit on edge, because it sounds somewhat like he views people only as resources and playthings, which is an issue. Really, though, your changes took care of almost everything that was a problem. Maxwell is looking much better. Just take care of those things and post, and I'll give him another look. Thanks a ton! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Fiori | Mar 11 2010, 03:34 AM Post #5 |
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The Fiorious One
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Done and dusted... I'm surprised I missed out that line about his friends taking the blame for him... Anyway, anything else in need of changing? |
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V5 Characters Brian Zhdanovich - Homestead Ruby Forrester - Shopping Mall Jenna Rhodes - Hotel Deceased V4 Characters
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| MurderWeasel | Mar 11 2010, 08:06 PM Post #6 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Alright, Maxwell looks much better. He's APPROVED for pregame! Just make sure he's handled realistically, and he'll do great! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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