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| Brian Murphy; First character, all feedback welcome | |
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| Topic Started: Jan 4 2010, 07:23 PM (447 Views) | |
| Deleted User | Jan 4 2010, 07:23 PM Post #1 |
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Deleted User
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Name: Brian Murphy Gender: Male Age: 19 Grade: 12th School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Enjoys playing Table top War-games such as Warhammer. Watches a lot of TV series such as Lost and 24. Casual video gamer. Listening to music. Reading novels and comics. Appearance: Brian is a type of person you would not look at twice if he dressed “normally”. His usual attire consists of a T-Shirt with a colourful unbuttoned shirt (normally blue and yellow cheque) over it, normal blue jeans and a pair of light brown boots. Brian is 5, 8 and about 140 – 150 pounds. He has shoulder length dark brown hair with curls on the end that he straightens out each morning, although it curls up once it gets wet so he likes to wear a hoodie outdoors. He shaves only on the 1st of each month, so his beard goes from shadow to full grown (with a small bare patch on his left cheek). He wears a pair of red glasses with thin frames. His left ear is slighty higher than his right so he bends his glasses to make them look straight on his face. His eyes are green, lips are thin. Biography: Brian was born and raised in Dublin, Ireland. He had a normal childhood. He attended a very good school and had plenty of friends. He joined the scouts at the age of 8 and through numerous camp trips and training every week he developed a case of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) causing him to check everything over and over, Contents of bags, locations of everything in his room, double count everything, etc. At the age of 12 his father got a new job in Minnesota causing a very big disruption in his life. His family moved to Minnesota half way through Brian’s 6th year causing him to have to repeat the year. This lead to Brian spending almost 5 months knowing no one in his new town and spending a lot of time in his room alone, because of this he was always older than most of his class mates and never felt that he fit in. He blamed this on the cultural differences that he had with his new classmates, but the truth was that 5 months with only his PS2 for company had damaged Brian’s mental health slightly. He would practise conversations with people in his head and voice both sides of the conversation to himself. While not mad it just freaks some people out when he does it in public by accident. Because of the 5 month isolation Brian suffered he feels much attached to his family since they were the only ones he talked to on a frequent basis. He only feels secure when his in room. When he outside, he is always trying to find patterns in everything because of his OCD. From the colours of cars to the order of clouds Brian gets annoyed when stuff does not form a pattern. He will always make sure doors and windows are closed and double checks all of it. Although this can annoy him when he is out of his house because his thoughts will always wander back to his worries Since his move Brian does not really talk too much people but that does not mean he is anti-social. If someone talks to him he will talk back, but he has a hard time trusting people or remembering names. But at the bare mention of one of his TV shows he watches he will be all ears and mouth. Although most people have trouble understanding his accent sometimes. Brian has trouble with non-problematic subjects such as English or History but excels at Math and Geography. Brian has trouble expressing his opinion or work in words (something which his teachers have hated). Brian is hoping to go on to college to learn to be a computer programmer. He has a very keen interest in this line of work due to the problematic nature of it. He does seem to have a very favourable future ahead of him and his parents hope he can live up to his potential. Advantages: since Brian has spent time in the scouts when he was young he has a natural survival skills and knowledge of the wild. Since he always sees patterns in places and things he has an easier time memorising the layout of places. Disadvantages: Brian has never had any fight training. Since he has OCD he will always spend longer in an area than he will have to and always be trying to find patterns and will get easily distracted trying to find them. He will go over probable situations in his heads hundreds of times and prepare for them, while this may seem good it means he will too prepared or distracted in his head. Once Brian starts something he must see it through or he will have massive trouble concentrating on anything else. |
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| MurderWeasel | Jan 5 2010, 12:13 AM Post #2 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hi Hardter, and welcome to SOTF! Before we give Brian a complete critique, please edit his profile so it matches the following template, including spacing (right now you have some spaces between categories where you don't need them). Please post once you've got that done. Thanks a ton! Here's the template:
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Deleted User | Jan 5 2010, 04:45 PM Post #3 |
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Deleted User
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Done |
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| MurderWeasel | Jan 5 2010, 08:39 PM Post #4 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Thanks for the edits! Brian is temporarily DENIED pending a few very minor changes. The biggest is that many of the sentences in his appearance and bio are confusing fragments. Sentences like "Wears a pair of red glasses with thin frames." and "Attended a very good school and had plenty of friends." need subjects ("He wears..." "He attended..." etc.). I'd like you to fix all the subject-less phrases. Also, I'd prefer you to change the phrasing of the sentence "Although this can annoy him when he is out of his house because his thoughts will always wander back to did i close that window?" so that it's a bit clearer. Maybe just "His thoughts will always wander back to his worries"? All the profiles are supposed to be formal, and read like dossiers assembled by the terrorists, so direct thoughts don't work well. That's really all I need. Post when you've got that done and I'll give Brian another look! Thanks a ton! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Deleted User | Jan 6 2010, 07:05 AM Post #5 |
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Deleted User
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Done again. Sorry for the problems but first character and all. Thanks for the help |
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| MurderWeasel | Jan 6 2010, 08:22 PM Post #6 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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No problem. The issues were quite minor, and you've now taken care of them all. Brian is APPROVED! Welcome to pregame! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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3:15 AM Jul 11