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| Logan Gain; Attempt number Two. | |
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| Topic Started: Nov 26 2009, 10:54 PM (398 Views) | |
| Nine_Silver | Nov 26 2009, 10:54 PM Post #1 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Name: Logan Gain Gender: Male Age: 18 Grade: Senior, 12th School: Bayview secondary school Hobbies and Interests: Hockey, Basketball, Soccer, Boxing, Climbing, Engineering, Graphic Design. Appearance: Logan is fairly tall, standing at the height of five feet eleven inches. He weighs 170 lbs, all of which is muscle built up from his athletic abilities. Logan has dark tan skin, which contrasts greatly against his green-blue eyes. Being athletic Logan keeps his hair very short, allowing it to barely fall over his ears, and a clean shave, to look good for the public. The clean shave also complements Logan’s face, as it is shaped in an elongated heart with a firm skinny nose and a broad forehead. Being very modest, Logan is rarely seen with his shirt off, and wears a long wife beater which covers the tattoos along his shoulder blades and back. The tattoos are both tribal, one dedicated to his step mother, and the other to his father and pack. Biography: Logan was a fairly normal child, raised, in these days, by what was considered your normal American family. His father, who divorced his mother because they were not getting along, remarried when he was five, and he lived happily with them excelling in sports at a young age. Logan’s step mom was never into sports but she came and supported her son through all the games, which made him more and more interested in athletics as he entered middle school. Logan enjoyed having older friends, so he spent most of his time, when he was not playing team sports, hanging out with his father and his buddies. This group of men called themselves the pack. The pack was started when logan’s father built a den and began hosting pool nights for his close high school buddies. It grew from there into his father’s “man cave” where the guys would just hang out. Each member in the pack had a tribal tattoo and received their tribal name after initiation, which consisted of running through the forest stark naked, participating in the “hunt”. The hunt, in reality, was a game of flag football, where the man being initiated was on his own team against everyone else. After the game was finished Logan’s father threw him a large party, and he was officially accepted into the group. Accepted into the pack, Logan joined the pack’s boxing team, traveling during the summers of his middle school years to competitions. Logan soon became the star of the pack, and was made leader, earning him a deep appreciation from his father, the previous pack leader, and addition few marks to his tribal tattoo. When the summer was over Logan would keep in shape by participating in school sports, such as basketball and soccer. Since logan’s step mother wanted him to look good not just in sports, but academically, so she made him take Graphic Design and Engineering classes in school, which he grew to love over time. Logan had an eye for design and the brain for engineering so he later decided to take more advanced classes outside of school, giving him an edge over other students. The second tribal tattoo Logan received was a tribute to his stepmother who had helped him through some hard times during the school year. Logan had a bit of a temper and would occasionally get in trouble with other students because he had a lack of tolerance for their opinions. Logan’s mother taught him that in Gods eyes all men were supposed to be created equal and should be respected equally. She also taught him that he should treat others with respect and sincerity if he expected to receive it. Logan took his mothers teachings and tested them, and seeing that they work adopted them as his personal motto. At the beginning of his high school year there was an unfortunate accident and Logan’s father became victim to a store shooting. His father had stood up to the robber in the front of the store, earning him a bullet in the lower back. Although Logan’s father was not killed, he was paralyzed and moved to a wheel chair. Angry at the man who injured his father Logan became a climber, excelling to places his father could no longer go. Logan also joined the hockey team at this time in hopes of lifting his father’s spirits. His father enjoyed watching hockey, and since Logan excelled in it as a sport, he continued to play it The summer before his Junior year both Logan’s mother and father decided it would be best to send him to another state to join Bayview Secondary school. His parents liked the variety of programs listed at the school and hoped it would give him new opportunities to learn and grow. Logan, although sad that he was leaving his family and pack, was also excited to be off to this new school with new opportunities. Logan excelled academically and physically at Bayview and decided to continuing living with friends of the family, return to the school his senior year. Advantages: Logan is very physically strong and is very good to rely on when the going gets tough. Logan will always rise to the challenge when a leader is needed. Because of his mother’s teachings Logan was raised to be sensitive to other peoples feelings. Logan is used to working with people, so he tends to be very patient with them. Disadvantages: Although Logan can be very perceptible to other peoples feelings and patient with them, when he snaps its worse then the average person. Logan has been known to punch walls, and occasionally throw a strike at another person when he looses his temper. Logan is also known to be over protective of people, especially his girlfriend, when he has one. Edited by Nine_Silver, Nov 28 2009, 01:34 PM.
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |
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| ZombiexCreame | Nov 27 2009, 04:46 PM Post #2 |
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it was a graveyard smash
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Hello there. Logan Gain is temporarily DENIED but let's see if we can fix him up, alright? ![]() For beginners, you spelled Bayview Secondary School wrong. Very minor detail, so just switch the i and the e. As for Hobbies and Interests, everything in this section must be elaborated upon in the biography. While you did elaborate upon most of his sports (including boxing and climbing), you didn't say anything in the biography for engineering or graphic design. So just add a few details about these interests in the biography and you should be good to go. Basically just explain how he became interested in engineering and graphic design. His appearance is fairly good, just two little things to note. In the sentence, "Logan has your typical dark tan skin," just remove the word 'your.' To be perfectly honest, I think this sentence would be much better if you just said that "Logan has dark tan skin." Adding the word typical just makes it sound kind of awkward, but it's your choice if you want to leave it this way. It's not a huge deal if you decide not to change it. Aside from that, you could also add a few details about his face. Does he have a skinny face, large cheeks, big nose, small ears, wide forehead? Etc. Little facial details like that go a long way! Alright, now onto the biography. Basically, I just need you to elaborate on certain things. A few little details just need to be fleshed out so that the reader can get a full understanding of everything he or she is reading. So for starters, why did his father remarry? I think the idea about Logan's father's pack is pretty cool, I'd just like to get a few details straight. So why did Logan's father start the pack? Is it just a way to get all of his friend's together to play sports? Is Logan's father the leader of the pack? If so, how did Logan rise up to the leading position? How does his father feel about this? Is he proud of his son? Just a little elaboration on this, and it should be good! Now the final paragraph has a few minor errors that you could fix up, so everything will look neater. For example, on the very first sentence of the last paragraph, it would sound better if you said, "At the beginning of his high school year..." There are also a few long sentences that you could possibly make shorter so that it sounds better. Alright, so why was Logan sent to Bayview? Any particular reason? Does he live with relatives, friends? Or does he live alone? Alright, now onto the advantages and disadvantages! They look pretty good, except for one thing. A few of the details in the advantages/disadvantages are never touched upon in the biography. For example, Logan's temper and his mother's teachings. How did his mother teach him to be sensitive to other people's feelings? Just elaborate upon this a little more in the biography and everything should be set to go! Oh and add a period after temper in the disadvantages. ^^ Please post again after you've made your changes. Thanks! |
![]() ♥Dawson Demarke: School Cafeteria♥ ♥Soon to come: Francis Scodelaris♥ | |
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| Nine_Silver | Nov 28 2009, 12:37 AM Post #3 |
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Cannon Fodder
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alright. i made changes. :] let me know if there is anything else. Thank you. -Nine |
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |
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| ZombiexCreame | Nov 28 2009, 12:46 PM Post #4 |
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it was a graveyard smash
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Thank you very much! Just a few more things I'd like you to fix and he should be set to go. But thank you so much for fleshing out his appearance and elaborating upon his disadvantages and advantages.Alright, so when it comes to hobbies and interests, you never mentioned hockey in the biography. I understand that hockey could just be grouped under Logan's love for sports, but it would be nice if you made some little reference to hockey. How did he get into the sport? Does he play it at school? Little details like that make things much clearer. This isn't a huge problem, but if you could break up the middle paragraph, it would make things look neater. Just put a space after "giving him an edge over other students," so that those two paragraphs are separate. Maybe elaborate upon why/how his mother 'almost' made him take graphic design and engineering classes. This sentence kind of confuses me. So Logan is interested in these two things and his mother wants him to take these classes... So he doesn't want to take them in school and he goes off to take these classes in a more advanced environment. Right? Maybe you could just reword this sentence, because it's a little confusing. But I think I get the gist of what you're saying. Anywho, you never said why Logan was sent to Bayview. Logan's parents made a really big choice in sending their son to a whole other state! But why did they do it? This needs a bit of elaboration. |
![]() ♥Dawson Demarke: School Cafeteria♥ ♥Soon to come: Francis Scodelaris♥ | |
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| Nine_Silver | Nov 28 2009, 01:35 PM Post #5 |
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Cannon Fodder
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I didnt even see the "almost" opps! Thank you, i took it out., Also added more about hockey and fixed the other things. :] |
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |
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| ZombiexCreame | Nov 28 2009, 05:50 PM Post #6 |
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it was a graveyard smash
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Thanks so much for your cooperation Nine_Silver! Logan is ACCEPTED into pregame! Have fun~
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![]() ♥Dawson Demarke: School Cafeteria♥ ♥Soon to come: Francis Scodelaris♥ | |
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