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| Nine Silver; Attempt Number Four. | |||
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| Topic Started: Nov 25 2009, 12:28 PM (555 Views) | |||
| Nine_Silver | Nov 25 2009, 12:28 PM Post #1 | ||
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Cannon Fodder
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Name: Nine Silver Gender: Female Age: Eighteen Grade: Senior School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Boxing, singing, dancing hip hop, drawing, playing piano. Appearance: The first thing people usually notice about Nine is her brilliant blue eyes, which contrast boldly against her wispy blond hair. Nine’s bleach blond hair falls down around her broad cheeks, stopping once near her rounded chin, and another time in the back, right above her broad boyish shoulders. Nine is above the average height for an American woman, but only by two inches, standing at five foot six. Her skin is a bit on the pale side, but still seems to have a healthy glow. Nine is a bit heavier set then most girls of her age, but not overly obese, weighing 145 lbs. Her arms and abs are fairly muscled from dancing, but not enough to stand out against the rest of her form. Biography: Nine used to live in her parents luxury mansion located in Chicago until she was kicked out of three local schools by the age of five and home schooled. Nine was expelled for fighting viciously with the other children in a plea to get attention from her parents. Her parents, not wanting to believe that their little angel was responsible for such acts and falsely blaming the fights on other children, finally decided to send her to a boarding school at the age of ten, as both of them had full time jobs which involved a lot of traveling, and they did not have the time to raise their own child. Nine became very anti-social during her stay at the boarding school and shied away from other kids, as they would tease her about being an unwanted child and having to go see the school and local psychiatrist. The school administration at the boarding school took an even deeper interest in Nine’s personal health and being after she lost her off campus privileges, for starting fights with the local storeowners. The administration pushed Nine to excel academically as her grades did not suffer along with her loss of privileges. To prevent her from getting kicked out, Nine was enrolled in extra classes for gifted students. These classes included advanced science and art classes, which only twenty percent of students passed with a B or better. Nine had taken and passed, with much effort, the majority of the required classes by the time she hit middle school and moved on to taking advanced art classes in the areas of dance and drawing. Nine had also joined the school’s boxing club, under the gym instructor’s influence. Nine became famous at the school for her left hook, which won them the championship against their rival school. The summer before Nine became a Freshmen in high school she decided to pay a trip home and see her parents. They both told her they would greet her and they would all go out for the special occasion to Paris, to celebrate. When Nine arrived home she found a set of very angry parents who did not approve of her boxing career choice. Her parents thought that Nine had been studying business, and didn’t think she was measuring up to the family name with her poor choices. They stated that if she did not shape up, they would disown her, as her faults could not blemish the family name. The fears that Nine had developed as a child, that her parents were really selfish and never really wanted her as a child, were confirmed over the summer as she struggled through her academic classes. She discovered that the only acceptable grade was one hundred and ten percent and nothing else would suffice. Nine was also forced to learn how to play the piano and sing, as to entertain her parents friends. No longer being able to take fighting or dance classes Nine became very hard on herself, coming off as harsh to other students around her because of her self-inflicting nature. Her grades continued to skyrocket, keeping teachers from suspecting she had a lacking family life or personal problems. Nine slowly became less and less social, only talking when it was required of her, conforming to her personal code. Junior year was the year Nine’s parents finally snapped, mid way through the second semester. Nine’s parents did not feel she was improving so they shipped her off again, now enrolling her at Bayview Secondary school at the age of eighteen. Luckly for Nine her grandparents lived in the Bayview area, so she did not have to live on her own or get a job, as they offered to pay for her schooling. Although Nine has switched over to Bayview Secondary school, where she does not have to study as vigorously for her parents, she continues to monitor her behavior rewarding herself for good things and punishes herself for bad things. She now punishes herself using her own fists-punches herself, or gets in fights with other people. Many times she will just use the most convenient way at the time to monitor her behavior. Nine will sometimes punish herself for opening up to people as she feels like she makes a fool of herself when she speaks, despite her overwhelming aura of confidence. Without her parents in the way Nine has continued her boxing career, through personal training in the gym. Nine also grasped an interest in science during her freshmen year, and spends her time working on studying viruses and genetics. Advantages: Nine can fight with her fists fairy well which can help her get out of many sticky situations. She also appears to have a high level of confidence, which make many people respect her and follow her advice. Nine tends to have a good reaction time when she must make decisions because of her experience with boxing. Disadvantages: Nine tends to become impatient if she does not see a solution to something within a few days time. Her self-harming nature causes her to occasionally become dependent on people who are not good for her. Nine can be a bit hot headed, and always considers fighting as a way out of a situation, even if she does not voice it. Edited by Nine_Silver, Nov 28 2009, 07:30 PM.
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 25 2009, 04:42 PM Post #2 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Hey, and welcomes to SOTF. Before I can give this profile gets a full review I need the formatting to be fixed so that it matches this template (you've got a couple of spacing errors and Disadvantages is on there twice). Thanks! |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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| Nine_Silver | Nov 25 2009, 11:50 PM Post #3 | ||
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Cannon Fodder
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ok. i think i got it now. please let me know if there is anything else. :] | ||
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 27 2009, 12:20 AM Post #4 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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As I said before, welcome to SOTF! I'll be the mod reviewing this profile, and while you're pretty good, we're got a little work to do before I can approve Nine. First is just a little thing, but I'd like to get it out of the way. You need a space between the last line of your appearance and the title "Biography". I know it sounds like a totally middling little thing, but it helps us when formatting profiles for the wiki (if it ever recovers). You've also got a few spacing errors with your paragraphs, so just make sure there's a full line break between them. I'm going to address the biggest issue right now: tone. The profiles should read as though written by an unbiased and probably bored henchman/woman of Danya's. That means steering away from informal language, anecdotes, and that kind of thing. Kris Hartmann, Lily Hiscox, and Carol Burke are all one-shot approvals that use the kind of tone we're looking for. Hobbies and Interests need to be elaborated on in the bio. 'Warm rainy nights' and 'sitting on rooftops' are the two biggest, but just make sure that everything has at least a passing mention. I also have some issues with the realism of this profile. I find it highly unlikely that she was kicked out of 'every school in the district' by age five. If she was indeed being that vicious, I'm amazed her parents would dismiss it - surely there would be evidence? She would also probably be expected to see a child psychiatrist, again, given the level of violence you say she was exhibiting. When you say her parents shipped her off to Bayview, what do you mean? Where is she living? If she's living on her own then that needs a lot of elaboration, as she would need to be emancipated. Advantages are pretty good, Disadvantages needs some work. "Nine also has false self-confidence, which can hinder her when she is feeling down in the dumps." I'd like that be elaborated on, as I'm not really understanding what you mean. If I read it right, she can fake self-confidence, which isn't a disadvantage. "Many times people will not realize Nine’s talents, such as singing and dancing, because she prefers to keep them hidden. This causes unnecessary work for her other friends who could have used her talents." This should probably be removed. It's not really a disadvantage at all, it just seems like filler. So fix her up, toss me a comment in here when you've finished, and I'll take another look! Feel free to PM me or another mod if you have any questions. |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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| Nine_Silver | Nov 27 2009, 12:52 AM Post #5 | ||
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Cannon Fodder
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I dont think nine would need to be emancipated, seeing as how she is 18 and legally is no longer considered a minor. I will make it more clear where she is living now that she is kicked out, but could you please elaborate on what you mean? Im not sure i understand. I'm really working on getting this right >.< Until then, ill work on correcting the other parts. Thank you. -Nine. |
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 27 2009, 01:00 AM Post #6 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Ah, sorry, that was my mistake. I'm not used to the the American naming system (Canadian here) and thought she was younger then eighteen when she moved. I would still like more elaboration on where she's living (especially with how she gets her money - is she working? her parents obviously aren't supporting her if they 'cut off all ties'), but yeah, don't worry about the emancipation thing. Thanks C: |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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| Nine_Silver | Nov 27 2009, 01:11 AM Post #7 | ||
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Cannon Fodder
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Alright. Edited Again. The only thing im not sure i fixed is the tone, but i tried to take the "feeling" out of it. I think maybe the paragraph where her mother gets mad at her might be the touchy piece. please let me know :] Tried to make everything else clearer. |
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 27 2009, 01:46 PM Post #8 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Okay, so better, but we've still got some work. The section where her mother gets mad at her is way too informal - it's a good piece, but it would work much better as a memory post then as a section of your biography. I'm still very confused about the self-confidence disadvantage. When you say that she becomes unresponsive, what do you mean? Honestly, I'd recommend removing it as a disadvantage altogether. In your Hobbies and Interests, you need to make sure that they are all elaborated in the bio. I can't find any references to drawing or dancing. The H&I section shouldn't be a standalone, it should be a summary of what is further explained in the bio. You're still missing a couple of line breaks between paragraphs, and you're going to need to correct the spelling of Bayview. Fix those up and we should be set to go, so drop me a line when you've completed the changes and I'll take another peek. Thanks! |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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| Nine_Silver | Nov 28 2009, 12:59 AM Post #9 | ||
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Cannon Fodder
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Alright, edited again. The only thing i couldn't fix was the spacing issues, i compared it to another profile (kristina hartmann's) and they looked the same to me :[ sorry. |
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V4 +Logan Gain +Nine Silver "If Lora's ankle is broken it doesn't magically heal itself so she can fight her arch-nemesis Tammy" -Megami That Made Me Smile. :] | |||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 28 2009, 03:52 PM Post #10 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Anyway, that's such a minor correction and since everything else looks good to go, I'm going to go ahead and APPROVE Nine. Just remember to fix it for v4 and you're all good C: |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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