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| Aden Yeltz; a quiet type of person | |||
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| Topic Started: Nov 17 2009, 10:40 PM (374 Views) | |||
| Deleted User | Nov 17 2009, 10:40 PM Post #1 | ||
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Name: Aden Yeltz Gender: Male Age: 18 Grade: 12th School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Internet, Running, Computer Games, Girls, Anime Appearance: Aden is a quiet type of person. He has curly dishwater blonde hair that goes to his shoulders. He has grey eyes. When you look at him you can tell he doesn’t have much muscle on him, standing 6’1” he is on the tall side. His skin is on the pale side from not getting much sun and always putting on sunscreen. This also is because he is a Caucasian. He is skinny as well, weighing 152 pounds. He wears glasses due to his nearsightedness and his not wanting to wear contacts. He has long fingernails due to his forgetfulness and his hate of cutting his nails, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t cut them now and then. As for his face he tends to not have pimples, but he does have some on his chest. He does not have any facial hair as he shaves regularly. Biography: Aden had a hard time growing up starting with his two older sisters. They picked on him when he was a kid doing everything to make him scream. Everything they did to him made him scream right away. During elementary school he was bullied on the bus where they constantly pushed him into the window. Kids often made fun of him because of how long his nails were. Also in the beginning of high school he was often sexually harassed by another boy, which he detested the most. All of this does not mean that he didn’t have anything good happen to him. He has had good friends, but either they moved away or they didn’t like him anymore. As for the boy his name was Kyle Moss he was the one who sexually harassed him. Every day during lunch he would sit next to Aden and play footsy with him. This made Aden really mad and uncomfortable which made him leave the lunch table. He started skipping lunch by just grabbing a quick snack to eat just to avoid Kyle. However this did not stop him from harassing as he started calling Aden pet names in the hallway. Aden would’ve talked to a counselor or someone else but he was too shy. In fact he couldn’t tell anyone about this. People started to notice and could tell he didn’t like this. If it was reported in or not he doesn’t know, but what he did notice was that Kyle wasn’t there the next year. He has an ok family. He doesn’t like his sisters very much in fact he hates them both. Currently they are 21 and 25. He’s glad they have moved out. As for his mother he loves his mother. She is one of the only people he can talk to freely. Aden also has a cousin which he considers his best friend. His parents are divorced and his dad moved away meaning he doesn’t see him that often. As for his popularity, Aden is liked because of his personality. He is a shy quiet type so he is not comfortable going up to someone and starting a conversation. He is especially shy around girls to the point where his face turns red. People think that Aden is a good guy but they tend to not talk to him much. People, he is ok with but due to his shyness he tends to stay away and ends up being alone most of the time, but he can be a kind hearted person once you get to know him. Due to not being social he tends to talk to himself when no one is around. This is where Aden can speak freely because he knows the only one listening to him is himself. He also makes conversations with himself now and then. Home is where you would find Aden most often typing up on the computer or in his room. All activities he tends to do alone. He doesn’t have anyone he can consider a friend except his cousin. One of the ways that he spends his time is mostly on the internet whether it’s playing games or watching anime. For games he likes playing online. This gives him the chance to be able to talk to people without being directly in front of them. He thinks he can find a girlfriend this way but hopes are that he most likely won’t. As for anime it is the only kind of show he watches. Due to anime he has gained an interest in Asian girls, but he also gained a Lolita complex. Running is the only thing he does outside. He takes interest in it because it’s good exercise. Aden is a procrastinator and also a slacker due to this and sometimes his forgetfulness he has low grades. He never joined any school extracurricular activity until his current year of high school which was track and field. Daydreaming is often what you would see Aden doing in class; he is creating stories in his head. As for Track and Field he is not very good, he’s stuck doing 400’s and 800’s, and he is pretty slow. Overall Aden is a pretty good guy. He doesn’t swear because he thinks swearing is dumb to do. Also he wants a girlfriend which because of being shy he is afraid to even tell people about his feelings let alone his interests. He is also a virgin, but he doesn’t want to change that status anytime soon. Advantages: He’s kind which means he can help people in need. His long nails could help him in a fight if he thinks it’s necessary. Disadvantages: He is shy so he is not good at talking to people. He also is gullible so someone could use that as an advantage over him. Aden is not a violent person so he will have trouble fighting. |
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 17 2009, 11:33 PM Post #2 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Hi, and welcome to Survival of the Fittest! You've got a good start here with Aden, but he's going to need a little work before I can approve him. I'm going to get the first thing out of the way quickly because it's very minor and probably seems nitpicky - please removed the extra spaces between your headings so that your application matches this one. It's a very small thing but it helps us a lot when going to add entries to the wiki. Your Hobbies and Interests are good, but they need to be expanded on in the biography. Just make sure that it's a section that summarizes what's in the bio, okay? I'd like you to go through both your appearance and your biography for spelling/grammar. I see a lot of confusing sentences ("His eyes are a grey." "He has had good friends which some he lost" "He doesn’t like his sisters which he hated both of them") that I'd like to see fixed. If you need a hand with this or if English isn't your first language, feel free to PM me or another mod and I can walk you through what needs to be done. If you could just make those changes and then reply in this thread once you've finished, that'd be great! Thanks so much C: |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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| Deleted User | Nov 19 2009, 12:52 AM Post #3 | ||
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Alright sorry about my grammer there. I am done editing. If there is anything else I either missed or didn't do right let me know and I will fix it agian. | ||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 19 2009, 09:45 PM Post #4 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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If you could just fix up what I've said in orange, that'd be swell! Thanks, and reply here once the edits are done. |
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(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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| Deleted User | Nov 21 2009, 01:17 AM Post #5 | ||
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Deleted User
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Alright I have finished editing. | ||
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| Greg The Anti-Viking | Nov 22 2009, 02:12 AM Post #6 | ||
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On the left is a mod, on the right is a pre-made psycho...get the picture?
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Hello, I'm Greg The Anti-Viking and due to the fact that faceinabook is going to be away for a while, I have been asked to take over some critiquing for her so you do not have to wait. At this point Aden shall be temporarilydenied as everything seems to be in order, but there is something minor that I would like fixed before he is There are a few casual phrases and bias that comes through the writing here. Such as "cutesy names" and "stupid names people call each other" when things like "pet names" will do. It isn't too too major and it isn't seen often throughout this profile, however the profiles should be written in a rather generic way, as if it was written by a nameless grunt. You don't have this issue come up often however if you could please refer to this thread here. You don't have much far to go now, once this tense issue is rectified then Aden will be certainly approved for pre-game! |
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v5 characters B054:Oscar Trig-Smoker, Artist, Film Buff Please, message me if you have ideas, I sure don't! Fall down seven times... Stand up eight... Japanese Proverb | |||
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| Deleted User | Nov 24 2009, 12:23 AM Post #7 | ||
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Alright I think I got everything and thank you, both of you. I am new here and I will do my best. | ||
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| ifnotwinter | Nov 25 2009, 04:41 PM Post #8 | ||
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half Iago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard
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Great, thanks for the edits! Aden is APPROVED. | ||
(so you've got to keep in mind, when you try to change the world for the better not everybody's gonna be on your side) | |||
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3:16 AM Jul 11