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| Ayn Mazumatsuzaki | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 28 2009, 06:18 PM (713 Views) | |
| Sylver | Oct 28 2009, 06:18 PM Post #1 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Name: Ayn Mazumatsuzaki Gender: Female Age: 19 Grade: 12 School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Ayn’s hobbies are centered on the internet. Role playing, for instance, is something she does through many different mediums, like instant messengers, forums, and MUCK-based games. Her other hobby is game design, which has caused her to develop skills relating to sprite art and programming. Appearance: Ayn is a 5 foot 4 girl with a noticeable slouch, making her measure a bit under that. Weighing in at an underwhelming 110 lbs with a skin tone that reminds most of porcelain due to her evasion of the outdoors, she stands out to some degree, especially when her looks are considered. With her lifestyle, she tries to keep herself as ‘low maintenance’ as possible, and doing little more than the bare minimum. This is has been accomplished hair-wise by having her shiny, wavy blond hair cut in an extreme crop style known as an Eton crop. A trademark of hers is the sound she makes when she moves; she wears a pair of willow clogs that make a very recognizable sound on hard surfaces. Besides this, she wears other simple clothes; tank tops or polo necks made of white, elastic materials; the closest she ever gets to wearing a bra in a non-formal situation, despite her C-cup endowments. Her other common choice are darkly colored ‘cargo’ clothes; of the full length or short variety. However, these choices are dependant on the weather; she won’t wear a polo neck in summer, nor cargo shorts in winter. But there are a few clothes she only wears during some seasons, like her pair of Gaiters (which she only wears during winter because of her avoidance of socks and the fact she wears clogs all year) or her Anorak (which is worn when it’s raining without it’s removable lining, or with it during the cold season). Ayn has what is commonly called a ‘fox face’; close-set, almond shaped, slightly slanted, sunken Amber eyes and a narrow, pointed face with high cheekbones, a small, slightly-upturned nose, and thin, straight eyebrows of a slightly darker shade of blond than her hair. Her mouth is ringed with an oval shaped set of thin, narrow lips, and containing a set of off-white teeth, and a set of braces covering them to straighten them out. Slung over her shoulder is a large messenger bag, colored Payne’s Grey on the bulk of the outside, with Army Green lining the inside of it. Within is a small group of items, such as her laptop, a 18.4” quad-core monster from HP Pavilion, along with an array of writing utensils and material, a spare battery, the charging cable, and a 5’ length of internet cable. When necessary, she stuffs her textbooks or binder into the ample remaining space. Biography: Ayn was a child borne to a mother and father who could not afford to keep her, and was promptly put up for adoption. After living in an orphanage for less than a year or so, she was taken into the care of Jun and Kioko Mazumatsuzaki. This family had adopted her because they wished to have another child, yet did not want to have to go through the ‘work’ of having another naturally. But Ayn was not alone; her sister Ina, who was a 5 year old at that time (Ayn was only 11 months at that time). When she turned nine, Ayn was given her own personal computer. But it took almost five years for her to truly embrace the internet, but from there, she fell into the gaping maw of the internet, and the ropes tying her to reality severed one by one. There, she could be anyone, anything she pleased, and she became infatuated with this void. It was an escape; where she was free of school, the constant success of her sister and the mockery of her classmates for her ridiculously long surname. But this realm introduced her to what would become long term obsessions; game design and role play. However, this descent into the bowels of the internet was not unnoticed by her parents. At first, they thought it was nothing to worry about, a phase she was going through. It didn’t take long for them to rethink that. When they did, they set up appointments with a local Psychiatrist by the name of Maria Corbeau for Ayn. Despite months of work, and even though Ayn’s parents banned her from computer access, little ground was gained, with Ayn subverting the ban by using the computer while her parents were absent or while at school. Eventually, her parents cancelled the appointments because they seemed to have little effect. Defeated, her parents simply tried turning a blind eye to their child, which may have made the situation worse. As time went by Ayn’s lifestyle had diverged from a that of a normal teen; setting her own sleep patterns, and spending as little social time with her family as possible, which soon made the only time they all interacted was at mealtime. Concurrently, her internet ‘social network’ grew ever larger, and she became far more interested in forums and text-based ‘role-plays’. Alongside this, her skill in programming grew to the point of mention; she was able to create simple, yet workable, browser games. By the time Ayn entered Secondary schooling, her sister, who was four years and a few months her elder, had entered college, and was getting a degree in accounting. By the time Ayn reached Grade 12 at Bayview Secondary, Ina had already received her degree. But Ayn was not without her triumphs- she had mastered the tips and tricks of programming, and had created a small Adventure game with this skill. While Ina’s success had thrilled their parents, Ayn’s achievements had allowed her to garner a small following on the internet. Ayn had never been a people person. She was somebody who preferred to be on the outside of a group, not its center. She preferred to avoid the limelight, unlike many of her peers. Socially, she became a deviant, not attempting to make friends for fear of rejection, letting them try to make friends with her. But as time went on, and people fell into cliques and small groups of friends, she lost hers, and made no move to regain them. And with time, the internet took their place, and soon, she became too cautious of the people who tried to become her friend, or to include her into their small circles. And soon, most ignored Ayn as she did them. Ina and Ayn never did get along. Ayn disliked the ‘favoritism’ of Ina by her parents, who actually did nothing of the sort, instead trying to coax Ayn to be as successful as her sister. But by the time Ina became a teen, she was already looking down upon Ayn. Ina was the one with good grades; regularly taking home B and A grades, rarely picking up anything below that. Ayn, on the other hand, usually scored just above passing, despite being on almost the same intellectual level as her sister, even with the age difference. But it usually came down to how they thought; Ayn was database, storing and accessing volume upon volume of data effortlessly yet taking ages to learn a subject, while Ina was more of a creative thinker, learning through assumption and hard work, with failures galore and a quick learning curve for almost any subject. Relationships with the parents are not as strained, but at the same time something Ayn tries to avoid. Constant nagging about improving her work and work ethic, coupled with feelings of shame towards her social development, make it so that Ayn finds it all but unbearable to be with them. As a child, Ayn was full of confidence, quirky, and easily wounded, physically and mentally. As time went by, she began ‘armoring’ herself by hiding behind metaphorical walls and moats of apathy. And as this alienated her friends, the internet replaced them. To her, nothing had changed. But this armor had made her indifferent and all but uncompassionate, which made it all but impossible for her to garner any sort of friendship. A technological interest kicked in much later, as she found better ways to enjoy the internet. Advantages: While Ayn is quite lacking physically, she is quite powerful mentally. With a mind like a database, and great computer skills, she finds few who can match her in that realm. Coupled with this, is her amazing 90+ WPM, and the resulting quick reflexes in her hands. Disadvantages: With little stamina and little to no muscle build, Ayn is unable to hold her own against all but the slowest or weakest. She is also not a quick learner. Edited by Sylver, Nov 5 2009, 04:33 PM.
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| nope | Oct 28 2009, 06:23 PM Post #2 |
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throw that pussy like i'm famous
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Please reformat your profile to match the template found here & make sure that it follows all of the guidelines set in the stickies of this forum. A mod will give this proile a proper critique once those edits have been made. |
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| nope | Oct 28 2009, 09:09 PM Post #3 |
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throw that pussy like i'm famous
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Temporarily DENIED. You have a nice skeleton of a profile here, but there needs to be a lot more detail before Ayn can be considered up to SOTF standards, along with some kinks that needs to be worked out. I have a full critigue in the latter part of this post, but first, there's a pretty major gap you have here that I'd like to touch on: there's almost no mention of Ayn's relationship with her family. As people she's spent nearly her entire life around, their impacts on her need to be explored in much more depth. That's one aspect that's help get Ayn on the fast track to approval. Anyway, moving on: Grammer/syntax/punctuation issues are highlighted in teal, & content issues in that lovely shade of reddish-orangey-pinkish stuff. Roman numerals are expanded on below. I. "and the like" feels awfully vague & could consist of hobbies or skills that wouldn't be obvious to a pretty good percentage of the board. A little more specificity here isn't required, but it'd help. II. Used in this context, aesthetics means beauty or something pleasing. This doesn't seem to be what you're going for. You may want to find a different descriptor here. III. Most American public schools ahve dress codes that ban pajamas or other hyper-casual clothing items. This would certainly apply to a snuggie (& does, in the case of my own school). You will want to find an alternative for this. IV. There is virtually no information on Ayn's facial features or anything else that would clearly define her physical appearance. Please give the Character Design Questionnaire in our roleplaying guides section a read to get a better idea of what shoudl go here (as well as the other informational stickies we have spread about the site). V. As a major event in her life, this will require much more expansion. Two sentences can't even begin to describe the impact a serious car crash would have on a small child's life. VI. Seven seems exceedingly young for a child to begin participating on internet forums & developing antisocial tendencies. You may want to adjust your time line for the sake of believability. VII. You mention very little about her social life in terms of the internet. This could also use some extra detail. VIII. This is one of the only references you have in regards to Ayn's relationships with her classmates. As the game relies heavily on how students interact, this information needs to be a major facet of any profile. You'll need to add much more detail there before Ayn can be approved. IX. This kind of behavior seems like something that would really alarm any responsible parent, teacher, guidance counselor, etc. I find it hard to believe that it was allowed to continue all the way through to her senior year. We'll need a lot more information about her internet obsession & how it affects her life before she can be approved for pregame. X. This is an odd statement with very little context. I'm not sure what you're trying to express here, so please try expanding or better explaining it. XI. There is almost no mention of Ayn's intelligence other than some programming prowess. Please expand on this in the main body of the profile. XII. Unless she has a very, very old laptop or is in fact trying to carry a PC around, laptops aren't exactly "lugging" material, even for the unfit. XIII. Please don't submit a profile if you expect it to be rejected. Our job as moderators is to help acceptable profiles be brought up to approval standards, & to ensure that unrealistic or potentially damaging characters are kept out of the game. We love to help, but we can only do so if the handlers we're critiquing are confident and willing enough to bring their characters up to those standards. If you're uneasy about a profile, the staff is more than willing to help you outside of the applications forum, & we have a pretty awesome community here in general that would be more than willing to help you out. Don't be afraid to use the resources this board provides. & at the same time, please don't waste our time by submitting characters if you yourself feel that they're a waste of time. Edited by nope, Oct 28 2009, 09:12 PM.
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| Sylver | Nov 5 2009, 04:33 PM Post #4 |
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Cannon Fodder
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Updated. Awaiting critique. Edited by Sylver, Nov 9 2009, 12:41 AM.
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| MurderWeasel | Nov 11 2009, 10:21 PM Post #5 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hi Sylver! I know James started your critique, but he's having computer issues and has asked me to finish it up so you aren't stuck waiting. There are still some grammatical mistakes, which I'll do my best to list below: "But Ayn was not alone; her sister Ina, who was a 5 year old at that time (Ayn was only 11 months at that time)." The bit after the semicolon should begin with "she had" or something of the sort. The semicolons in the sentences "It was an escape; where she was free of school, the constant success of her sister and the mockery of her classmates for her ridiculously long surname. But this realm introduced her to what would become long term obsessions; game design and role play." should be changed. The first should become a comma, the second a real colon. You can also remove the "was at" from "which soon made the only time they all interacted was at mealtime." I'm also confused about the meaning of the sentence "Relationships with the parents are not as strained, but at the same time something Ayn tries to avoid. " I'd also like you to fix the formatting. You should not skip lines after the "Appearance" and "Biography" section headers. It should flow directly to text, as it does everywhere else in Ayn's profile. That said, you've cleaned up everything James asked you to, and none of the grammar mistakes are enough of an imediment to keep Ayn out of pregame. Just fix them up for V4 proper, please. Ayn is APPROVED. Welcome to pregame. |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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