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| Lexie Logan-Price; They're fake ya know! | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 28 2009, 10:53 AM (676 Views) | |
| KelleyA | Oct 28 2009, 10:53 AM Post #1 |
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Sup biyatches
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Name: Lexie ‘Chugs’ Logan-Price Gender: Female Age: 18 Grade: Senior (12th) School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Science Fiction, Techno Music, The Internet, Tech Club, Roller Skating Appearance: Lexie has pale skin and grey-blue eyes which she usually frames with long fake eyelashes. Her hair is naturally red, and it has been dyed jet black with bubblegum pink streaks at her fringe. She has freckled skin which she covers with blusher, and has some cases of spots on her back as well as blotches around her mouth as a direct result of bulimia which she cleverly conceals with cosmetics. Her hair is short and is in a stylish bob cut, though she wears extensions on special occasions. Her nails are always painted pink, and have jagged uneven edges from where she bites them, although she usually has to remove nail polish for her job when preparing food. She always has a crucifix hanging from one ear lobe, and a love heart from the other. She usually sports an oversized tee-shirt with a caption or a picture of a cartoon character, complimented with a chunky belt and completed with black leggings and flats, her wrists are adorned with many colourful bangles, sometimes she wears a beret and has a distinct fondness of long flowy scarves. She is of average height (5.3 foot) and is very slender, she weighs 111 pounds. Due to having very small breasts, she stuffs silicon fillets into her bra, but despite making obvious attempts to hide her lack of bust, she uses this as a conversation starter. She has a heart shaped face with small ears and nose, with dark eyebrows and average looks which she tries to improve with cosmetics. Biography: Lexie is the oldest child of Roger Logan and Leigh Price, an unmarried couple who have been in a partnership for almost twenty years and are both writers for a department store catalogue. She has a younger sister called Sheila whom she finds as an annoyance due to her precocious and judgemental nature towards Lexie and her social life. Lexie had a standard, if not boring upbringing, and was always ready and willing to break the mould, she often clashes with her younger sister who is more conservative. The Logan-Price’s are originally from Kenosha, Wisconsin but moved to St Paul, Minnesota as Roger and Leigh were transferred to that branch of the 'Avalon Home Saloon' department store. When Lexie was seven years old, she had one friend named Eva Borycki who was coddled by her parents and as a result was overweight. Due to this Eva was bullied nonstop, and as a result ran away from home where she fell into a pond in the local park and drowned in the early hours of the morning. Lexie vowed never to become fat, and often skipped meals in fear of putting on weight, sometimes after eating she would sneak off to the toilet to vomit. After moving to St Paul, Minnesota the Logan-Price household was stressed and often bad tempered whilst unpacking and adjusting to their new life. After walking in on Lexie (who was eleven years old at the time) forcing herself to vomit, Sheila (Lexie's junior by three years) told their parents and Lexie was put into counselling. When some of her peers discovered Lexie was in counselling, she was dubbed a 'headcase' and was whispered about in the corridors. She soon peirced her ears and started to wear heavy make up. Nearing the end of middle school, other girls started to develop and get wider hips, shapely legs and breasts. Due to her anorexia nervosa and bulimia, Lexie wasn't as filled out as other girls and soon felt embarrased with her boyish frame, she spent her allowance ordering silicone cleavage enchancers from a catalogue. After a while she fitted in with other girls as she now had less of a boyish frame, and people had already forgotten she saw a shrink on weekends stopping them from thinking of her a freak at face value. It took one aerobics class in Phys Ed to bring it all back, whilst doing doing jumping jacks. One of the enhancers slipped out and hit the floor for all to see and Lexie's bust was uneven. Even the teacher laughed and Lexie was a joke once more. Sometimes the mockery became too much to handle and she would spend lunch break alone in the audiotorium without a teacher's knowledge. To avoid being caught out should a member of faculty enter, Lexie hid in the sound and lighting booth which soon became her comfort zone in school. Lexie's grades had been failing as a direct result of being targeted for jokes and bullying, and the spells of isolation spent in the audiotorium worked wonders and she soon found her inner calm once more, pushing her grades up to average C's and B's. She was an all-round student, and had no favourite subject and had almost the same grades in each of her classes. Lexie welcomed the prospect of High School approaching, seeing it as an opportunity to meet new people and forget the embarrasment that came with middle school. Lexie, and the female student body were now allowed to wear cosmetics, Lexie soon began experimenting with her looks and opted for dark eye make up and foundation to minimalise her freckles, making her somewhat more attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex. Her legs began to become more womanlike so she flaunted them by wearing leggings and pantyhose instead of trousers. She became more confident and started wearing brighter colours and bangles, as well as dying her hair black, this wasn't appreciated by her parents, but they were glad Lexie was happy and had made her own identity. Her sister, however, thinks of Lexie as a techno geek and prefers to keep her natural hair colour and wear mainstream styles. Despite becoming more of a character amongst her peers, Lexie still spent alot of time at home, mainly browsing the internet. She has vlogs on youtube, several accounts on social networking sites and writes fan fiction to keep her english skills up. After being urged by her counsellor and parents, Lexie began to get out more and looked into extra curricular activities where she then joined the Tech Club, and learnt how to work the Sound and Lighting equipment, something that had caught her interest back in middle school. She soon became adept at this, and sometimes helped out with school productions alongside the technician. Although she still has eating disorders, Lexie's social life was becoming healthier. She made some friends, but didn't join any defined cliques or social groups. Lexie soon realised that she was good in conversation and could be pretty funny when she wanted to, her confidence flourished even more and she began dying pink streaks in her hair and got her ears peirced. After freshman year, Lexie soon became popular enough to be invited to parties. She was nervous at first but soon made a name for herself when her peers discovered that once she started drinking, he went on and didn't stop. This earned her the nickname 'Chugs'. Despite being considered a light weight on initial appearance, Lexie soon managed to beat boys in shot challenges and keg tipping. This was a talent she certainly did not want her parents to ever find out about. Lexie's high school years were somewhat fun, and she soon came to realise that they really were the best years of your life. She sometimes wishes she could go back to Middle School and learn to accept herself for who she really was, saving herself from embarrasing and miserable experiences. Lexie's odd yet positive nature sometimes results in her pointing out that her breasts aren't real, and she would often take a slip-in out and show it around as an ice breaker or conversation starter, although odd, it is admired by some of her friends showing how daring she can be. Lexie soon had a boyfriend named Will Bradford, who was a fairly handsome guy who worked backstage on school plays and musicals. Their dates often consisted of going to the movies, mainly to see Science Fiction films, which were Will's favourite, slowly but surely this also became Lexie's favourite movie genre. They had movie nights with friends and popcorn in Will's basement and Lexie decorated her room with retro move posters depicting alien invasions and creatures from the deep. After several months of dating Will and his family moved to Hackensack, New Jersey leaving Lexie feeling dull and miserable, for a while she returned to her old ways of staying at home on her laptop. Lexie took up a second hobby, and began roller skating to keep fit. She would often go early in the mornings and after school around town, listening to Techno and Electronica on her iPod. Soon enough, after growing confident with her somewhat 'vintage' hobby, she soon began to roller skate to and from school, carrying her skates with her through the halls, and leaving them in her locker during lessons. Lexie still maintains her average C's and B's but occasionally get A's in English and Science. Lexie is currently in her first job as one of Mr Swansons lackeys at All-Star Bowling where she often has to stand behind the counter bored, watching her friends bunch up together in one of the end lanes. On her breaks she sometimes sneaks into the back alley to smoke a cigarette or two keeping one eye open to make sure she doesn't get spotted then fired. Despite being bored some of the time, Lexie enjoys her new life style, and despite not enjoying counselling, is glad that she went in the first place. Advantages: Lexie is known in high school for being cool and friendly, and could be severly underestimated should she choose to play to win. Lexie's middle school experiences have given her a sceptical look on most of her peers, and would most likely enjoy the thought of paying back her past tormentors. Lexie would be fairly easily trusted, and wouldn't find it a challenge to join a group should she feel the need to. Lexie's small frame gives her the natural advantages of stealth. Disadvantages: Her anorexia nervosa and bulimic tendencies may lead to her malnourishing herself in the game, where she needs all the nutrition and energy she can get, she may find herself lagging and becoming fatigued. Due to her small frame, she will be easily overpowered by any attacker and will find it an almost impossible challenge to defend herself. Lexie was born and raised a city slicker, and has had no experience in camping out or trekking through the wilderness. As a result, she may become easily overwhelmed by her new environment and could have a hard time navigating and exploring. Edited by KelleyA, Dec 20 2009, 10:22 AM.
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B027 Macon Carmody Location: N/A Status: N/A G035 Bianca Borycki Location: N/A Status: N/A G045 Katherine Daramour Location: N/A Status: N/A G053 Lexie Logan-Price Location: N/A Status: N/A | |
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| ZombiexCreame | Oct 28 2009, 05:54 PM Post #2 |
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it was a graveyard smash
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Hi Kelley. Lexie is momentarily DENIED and upon making some changes, she will be set for pregame. Alright, so for starters... There are a few mistakes in the appearance section. For example, you said "over" instead of "other". Also, it would be great if you could elaborate on her weight and height. Right now, I don't have much of a perception of her weight or height. "Average" height could be a wide range of heights. It would be very helpful if you could give a solid height and then a weight number. And finally, perhaps add in a few more details about her facial area. What's her overall face shape? Does she have big lips? Big ears? Very dominate eyebrows? Those would be quite helpful in getting a good mental image of Lexie. Now onto the biography. There are a few sentences that need semicolons instead of commas. A lot of these sentences come off as run-on sentences and definitely need to be shortened or spliced using a semicolon in the appropriate place. For example, take a look at this sentence, "Due to an embarrassing mishap where one fell out during aerobics in front of the whole class, Lexie was the joke of the school until Janet and Adrienne reminded everybody who they were dealing with, ever since, Lexie made jokes about the accident and even takes one fillet out as an icebreaker in conversation." No offense, but this is a big sentence! So just break up the longer sentences. In the second paragraph, "smoking" should be "smoked" to be consistent with the tense that you're using. Also, it would be very beneficial if you could elaborate a little bit more on the gang that Lexie was granted entry to. How did she meet Janet and Adrienne? Why did she resort to piercing and smoking? Did she want to be accepted into the gang that badly? Those little details will help this profile out majorly. You also say that Lexie has a technical-based upbringing, but I don't see a whole lot of details in that in the biography. So much like what I've already said, this needs to be elaborated upon. Her parents are writers for a catalog, so does this tie into technology somehow? If so, elaborate. You casually brush over two topics that are quite serious. Those would be bulimia and drinking. You definitely need to elaborate for those two, especially something as tough as bulimia. I see that she has a fear of becoming fat, but I'm sure that you could elaborate more. When exactly did she become bulimic? Has she gotten over the illness? Does she see a therapist about it? Does she keep it secret? Etc. Bulimia is a very interesting thing to add to your profile, so elaborating on it will really make that detail shine and benefit your character. As for the alcohol issue, I'm having a little bit of trouble understanding the sentence leading up to that detail. Some of the sentences in the last paragraph are very hard to follow. So Lexie resents Janet for what now? Besides that, the drinking issue really needs to be elaborated upon. How did she get into drinking? Was it because of Janet and Adrienne? And finally, what kind of grades does Lexie make in school? Is she a good student or a poor student? On top of that, you really don't elaborate on Lexie's home life much.. Does she get along with her parents? Do they spend a lot of time together as a family? Now onto advantages. Alright, so I see that Lexie's friends are her advantage because they can protect her if the need arises. That's fine but it just seems weird that it says she 'will be protected until end game.' The way that the sentence is worded almost seems like you're predicting that you'll last until the end of the game. And as you probably know, no one is guaranteed survival in SOTF. So just reword that, if you will. ![]() And finally... disadvantages. I don't really understand this sentence: "Her secret regret of joining the gang may flare up, and she could enter a situation where either she or the other two could walk back out alive." I think maybe you meant to say something like, "She could enter a situation where either she or the other two may not walk back out alive"? Perhaps? Just need a little elaboration on that one because I don't really understand it. Other than that, everything looks good. Just make those changes and I'll take another look. :] The critique seems rather lengthy, but I really want to see Lexie approved, so I'm trying to be as detailed as possible. Edited by ZombiexCreame, Oct 28 2009, 05:56 PM.
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![]() ♥Dawson Demarke: School Cafeteria♥ ♥Soon to come: Francis Scodelaris♥ | |
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| KelleyA | Oct 30 2009, 11:59 AM Post #3 |
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Sup biyatches
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Kay I've done some changing and editing and all sorts of stuff, I think it's good, but you're the mod. ^.^ |
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B027 Macon Carmody Location: N/A Status: N/A G035 Bianca Borycki Location: N/A Status: N/A G045 Katherine Daramour Location: N/A Status: N/A G053 Lexie Logan-Price Location: N/A Status: N/A | |
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| ZombiexCreame | Oct 30 2009, 09:26 PM Post #4 |
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it was a graveyard smash
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Alrighty, so let's see here. You've made some really good changes and I'm happy to see that Lexie has definitely been improved. At the moment, she's a diamond in the rough. Just a few things you need to clean up a little and she'll be set to be approved. ![]() So you're still having a bit of a problem on long sentences. I picked out four sentences from various places that are too long and should be spliced or revised: 1. "When Lexie was seven years old, she had one friend named Eva Borycki who was coddled by her parents and as a result was overweight, due to this Eva was bullied nonstop, and as a result ran away from home where she fell into a pond in the local park and drowned in the early hours of the morning." 2. "It took one aerobics class in Phys Ed to bring it all back, whilst doing jumping jacks, one of the enhancers slipped out and hit the floor for all to see and Lexie's bust was uneven, even the teacher laughed and Lexie was a joke once more." 3. "After freshman year, Lexie soon became popular enough to be invited to parties, she was nervous at first but soon made a name for herself when her peers discovered that once she started drinking, she went on and didn't stop, earning her the nickname 'Chugs'." 4. "Lexie was born and raised a city slicker, and has had no experience camping out or trekking through the wilderness and may be easily overwhelmed by her new enviroment and could have a hard time navigating and exploring it." You could change these sentences to: 1. "When Lexie was seven years old, she had a friend named Eva Borycki who was coddled by her parents and as a result was overweight. Due to this, Eva was bullied nonstop; as a result, she ran away from home where she fell into a pond at the local park and drowned in the early hours of the morning." 2. "It took one aerobics class in Phys Ed to bring it all back, whilst doing doing jumping jacks. One of the enhancers slipped out and hit the floor for all to see and Lexie's bust was uneven. Even the teacher laughed and Lexie was a joke once more." 3. "After freshman year, Lexie soon became popular enough to be invited to parties. She was nervous at first but soon made a name for herself when her peers discovered that once she started drinking, he went on and didn't stop. This earned her the nickname 'Chugs'." 4. "Lexie was born and raised a city slicker, and has had no experience in camping out or trekking through the wilderness. As a result, she may become easily overwhelmed by her new environment and could have a hard time navigating and exploring." Hopefully that helps a bit. Alright, so on to some different things. How old was Lexie when her anorexia and bulimia started? I can see that she started to think about it after the death of her friend at seven years old. From what I read, it seems that it started in her middle school years, but some elaboration on this would be great. So there's a slight issue that's mentioned a few times throughout the profile. It's the deal about the cosmetics. You mention that Lexie was forced to remove her make-up in middle school and when she transferred to high school, she was allowed to wear cosmetics. In most American schools (to my knowledge) people can wear cosmetics in middle school and high school. Unless it's specifically stated somewhere that Bayview didn't allow cosmetics in the middle school grades, then this needs to be changed. It's just a slight issue and you probably just didn't know, so it's fine. ![]() Before the ordeal with Lexie's enhancement falling out, you mention that she started to get along with other girls. How did she achieve this? Did she become more outgoing? And then just a very slight issue, in the second paragraph, "teachers knowledge" needs to be "teacher's knowledge." And just for curiosity's sake, how much younger is Sheila compared to Lexie? And do her parents know about Lexie's drinking? Do they care? Are they concerned? There still isn't much mentioned about Lexie's parents and it would be cool to have some elaboration on that. ^^ And finally... just a very slight typo. You typed, "All-Star b]Bowling" Just take the "b]" out. And that should do it. :] Hopefully this helped. |
![]() ♥Dawson Demarke: School Cafeteria♥ ♥Soon to come: Francis Scodelaris♥ | |
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| KelleyA | Oct 30 2009, 09:49 PM Post #5 |
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Sup biyatches
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Everything is in ship-shape condition now : D |
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B027 Macon Carmody Location: N/A Status: N/A G035 Bianca Borycki Location: N/A Status: N/A G045 Katherine Daramour Location: N/A Status: N/A G053 Lexie Logan-Price Location: N/A Status: N/A | |
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| ZombiexCreame | Oct 30 2009, 10:16 PM Post #6 |
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it was a graveyard smash
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Alright, so you pretty much fixed up everything that I asked you. There was just two things that you accidentally left in, but they aren't major enough to keep you from being accepted. Just keep in mind that upon resubmitting Lexie for version 4, you need to be very careful with your sentences. If a sentence looks too long, just split it into two or three separate sentences. But yeah, you forgot to change the sentence about Eva and her death and you didn't take out the detail about the cosmetics. But those are fairly minor and you can just keep it in mind for later. Lexie is approved. Welcome to pregame, Kelley! Good work. |
![]() ♥Dawson Demarke: School Cafeteria♥ ♥Soon to come: Francis Scodelaris♥ | |
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Lexie is momentarily 

3:16 AM Jul 11