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| Brendan Wallace | |
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| Topic Started: Oct 20 2009, 02:07 AM (646 Views) | |
| Brackie | Oct 20 2009, 02:07 AM Post #1 |
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personification of adhd
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Name: Brendan Wallace Gender: Male Age: 17 Grade: 12 School: Bayview Secondary School Hobbies and Interests: Video Games, Writing, Appearance: Approximately 6"1 and 170 lbs, Brendan's hair is an extremely dark red, only noticable in bright places or sunlight, otherwise resembling a dark brown. It is always curling, and wears the strain of excessive hair straighteners that never work, and Brendan resolves this by cutting it short enough to not curl noticeably, around ear length. While he was overweight as a child, due to a lifestyle of junkfood and lack of exercise, he lost most of this weight during adolescence, and used weight training and general athleticism to exercise and balance out. With this he developed larger than usual biceps and a strong stomach. His eyes are a dark hazel, and is clean shaven. He almost always refuses to brush his teeth, instead putting trace amounts of fluorine in his water, rendering his teeth yellow, but still healthy. Brendan always wears long sleeve shirts, absent of bright colours, even in the summer, and wears dark coloured checkered pants, usually long in winter or short in the summer. Around his neck, he wears a silver locket, with a blank picture inside, and sports a hemp bracelet around his right wrist and left ankle. He wears white sneakers, hand-me-downs from his parents. He quickly caught up to his parents in foot size, and promptly surpassed them, and now wears size 12 1/2 . Biography: Brendan was born on the 7th of July, 1990, to ex-army technician Rosa and commercial pilot Raymond. Originally from the Northern Rivers, Australia, Brendan grew up a large fan to retro His father was constantly called on to work overseas for various foreign airlines. This busy job meant that Brendan would always move from school to school, from house to house, and never stay long enough to make any friends. He almost never tried due to fear of rejection. He was an excellent student in Primary school, with a near-perfect photographic memory, always getting top marks in Maths and English, and always showing initiative to learn the local languages. By the time he was 10, he was fluent in Japanese, Cantonese, Vietnamese, and a few phrases in Mandarin. When he was 4, his brother, Alex, died at the age of 2 in a car accident. As Brendan was young, he had little to no memories of his brother. His mother, Rosa, would always play his favourite songs on his birthday and the anniversary of his death. At the age of 12, his father developed macular degeneration in both eyes, and was forced into an early retirement. Rosa finally settled her family back down in the Northern Rivers. She finally got to follow her dream of settling down in one town and owning a Cafe, which became very successful. Brendan was able to make a few select friends, and he was glad how great life was going for him. He even opened up his knowledge of the commercial and media world through the use of video games and youtube, a very supportive English teacher and classmates who were all as smart and eager to learn as he was. Around puberty, when other friends of his were going on dates and getting together, he started experiencing feelings as well. Not just for girls, but for both genders, which made him extremely confused. Soon, however, he decided to test these feelings out. In the following years, he dated and sexually experimented with both males and females, always finding a way to bkeep them quiet; he felt the same way about both. From this he logically concluded that he was bisexual. He was about to come out to his friends and parents, when he coincidentally read a story in the newspaper about a gay bashing in the area. He had always been slightly aware of the attitudes towards the LGBT community in his area; heterosexuals treated them in a way that made 'not well' an understatement. He decided to keep his sexuality to himself for the time being, until he was ready for a time in which the community would be completely accepting. After his maternal grandparents died when he was 16, Rosa decided in a change in scenery, and bought a house online in Saint Paul, Minnesota, USA. They moved there in only a few short days, giving little to no chance for Brendan to say goodbye to any of his friends. Uprooted from his life, Brendan deeply resented his parents, but found no reason to rebel. He soon settled down in his new house, reminiscent of most his childhood. Brendan became a self-proclaimed loner at Bayview, as his fear of rejection in finding friends cropped up again. Instead, he made his own life on the internet, creating a blog under the handle 'shortfuse'. He became a much darker person online, always hosting the most violent of video games and writing out disturbing fanfiction. He found that people across the internet became better friends with him than any people he met in real life. He could trust in them, and they could keep all his secrets. To keep his parents satisfied, he trained himself to lie, pretending that he was talking to his friends at school across the internet, and they never questioned him due to over a decade of complete honesty and trust. After months of watching sensationalized American news, he became extremely irritated and cynical of the manipulation that was used by the networks. He used to see the world as perfect, and while the news was biased, it was informative. He began a few more blogs on every little thing he hated about the world, and he became popular on the internet for his six page long rants about things such as 'Animal Cruelty', 'Homelessness', and, which he wrote on a dare from a reader, 'Basketballs'. While leaving his parents out of the loop in this, Brendan eventually realized he needed help after meeting most of his 'fans', who seemed to be even more cynical and slightly delusional. After three months of private appointments with the school counselor, mainly focusing on his social anxiety, she managed to convince him, through testing and evaluations, that he should stop his isolation. She suggested to him that he should stop venting his life and anxieties online, and instead actually find friends with similar interests. He took this advice, and signed off all of his blogs that night. Brendan turned over a new leaf with this, and accepted his new country and home, albeit being his last few months at school. Although he started off shy, he eventually got involved in the community, although it would take many months before he would actually socially speak to someone at school, making friends with more people. He started becoming a more likeable person, even if his first impression was a bit shaky; he even joined a local band. Advantages: Brendan learnt through spy movies, detective shows, and video games the basics of stealth and how to control his overall noise level i.e. breathing. Brendan is extremely creative in use of mechanics, and also learnt through the same detective movies and shows how to lie extremely well. Disadvantages: While having lost his extra weight in adolescence, Brendan is still unfit, and can only run moderate distances before getting tired, making him easy pickings in a chase or if he is caught in a dangerous place. He can often lose balance, and often trips over things he sees due to carelessness. Because of his social anxiety, he is extremely uneasy around large groups of people. If someone were to challenge his views, he could be easily set off. Under stress or lack of sleep, he becomes jumpy and paranoid, and lashes out at people, such as when someone makes a joke and Brendan sees it as serious. Edited by Brackie, Mar 13 2010, 02:52 AM.
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| MurderWeasel | Oct 20 2009, 06:47 PM Post #2 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Hi incrobe! Welcome to SOTF! Brendan is temporarily DENIED I'd like you to overhaul Brendan's profile pretty thoroughly. At the moment it is very hard to read. It would be great if you split your paragraphs up some, and broke up some of your longer sentences so that they only focus on one topic. I'd recommend you give the entire profile a careful read over and check it in a word processing program. Brendan's Appearance section could use a little help. I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to express when you state that his hair is like a glowstick. Are you talking about a change in color based on longterm sun exposure? Do you mean it looks different in different lightings? If you actually mean that it quickly changes color and absorbs light, that detail will need to be changed to something more realistic. Brendan's bio could use a little expansion. In particular, I would like to know more about his cynicism (which seems to be based on a few pretty particular incidents and nothing else) and his brother. I'd also like more details about how Brendan acts now. How does he do in school? What social circles does he hang out in? What are his interests? Brendan's advantages and disadvantages, while quite interesting, don't come up in his biography at all. All the things in those sections should be explained in the biography, or be easy to infer from it. As you rework Brendan, I suggest you take a look at this great character creation guide and some of our approved registrations to get an idea of what we're looking for. Post here once you've finished reworking Brendan and I'll give him another look! Again, welcome to SOTF, and don't get discouraged by this review. Very few characters are approved right away. |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Brackie | Oct 22 2009, 04:29 AM Post #3 |
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personification of adhd
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Thanks, constructive criticism is great (Not being sarcastic)! I was thinking of thinking him a complete rework anyway. Anyway, the hair was supposed to look different colours in different lights; I expanded a lot on the cynicism, giving it a bit more footing; and I simply just rewrote the entire biography in the order I originally meant. If there's a bit too much information in the cynicism bit, I'll just remove it. Thanks for the help! second post! OMG! |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I can't sing but I wrote you a song Wrong notes but the melody's so clear When I'm lost, I'm still close to gold cause I found my treasure in you | |
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| MurderWeasel | Oct 22 2009, 09:31 PM Post #4 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Thanks for the updates, incrobe! I appreciate that you're open to constructive criticism; it makes things so much easier for everyone! There are still a couple of things I'd like you to fix up. To start with, Brendan's appearance is mostly quite well done, but you state that he is "slightly overweight" at 6'1" and 170 pounds. That's actually exactly in the middle of the healthy range of weights for that height. I recommend you check out this BMI calculator to help find a good weight for your concept. I'd also really like to know what clothes Brendan usually wears. Please toss in a bit about his style of dress. Brendan's bio is mostly well done. There are a few little things I'd like you to fix up, though. To start with, this sentence: "His father, Ray, was a pilot, and this busy job meant that Brendan would always move from school to school, from house to house, and never stay long enough to make any friends, and almost never tried due to fear of rejection." is really hard to follow. Could you split it into a few sentences? In the second bio paragraph, I would also recommend ending the sentence after "accident" and starting a new sentence with "His mother". It'll improve the flow a lot. Another small detail is the name of the town. Bayview is only the school's name; the actual city is Saint Paul, Minnesota. I'm a little confused by the sentence "From observing the drastic change in discipline, curricular, currency, road, and everything else, most annoyingly to him, Video Games and DVD’s, he became highly cynical and critical, though still remaining a top student in all areas except for Sports." If you could rephrase it a little to make clear exactly what caused this change, it would be great (was the change because of his new home, or simply time passing?). Also, "Video Games" and "Sports" should not be capitalized. I'd also like it if you replaced the phrase "there, but not there," with something more to the tune of "hardly noticeable" or something of the sort. I actually like your phrasing a lot, but it comes across as pretty informal, and all the profiles need to be handled in a formal manner, as if written by an in-universe source. I'd also like a little expansion on Brendan's psychiatric help (did he see the school counselor's, or someone else?) and his early rejection when he tried to make a friend. Finally, and this is probably the biggest issue, his advantages and disadvantages should come up more in his bio. I think learning to be "extremely stealthy" from TV and books is a bit much, but saying he learned "the basics of stealth" would be perfectly acceptable, and still provide an advantage over the other students, most of whom have nothing like that. I also would like some clarification on what actions he can predict, and why. Similarly, I'd like to know where the ability to lie comes from, since he isn't a great actor. As to disadvantages, I'd like to know where his claustrophobia and fear of insects (both very cool character traits) come from. Just explain them in his bio and you'll be good to go. Don't worry about the huge length of this review; I just try to be thorough, and sometimes get a bit long-winded. I'm sure you'll be able to get Brendan fixed up! Post here when you've made the requested edits, and I'll give him another look. |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Brackie | Oct 24 2009, 05:44 AM Post #5 |
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personification of adhd
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I took all your advice, and I think I'm finished. I added the clothes he wears, and if it's a little too vague for your liking, I'll just edit it again. I made his dad's job a bit more clear, as well as splitting it up. I changed the town name, and changed the cynicism completely. If you don't like that, I'll need a long while to completely rework the writing. I made the thing a tiny bit more official, like a real biography, and clarified the psychiatric help bit. He no longer has repressed memories, just social issues. I also reworked the advantages and disadvantages. If the lying bit is improbable, I'll change that, and if you liked the fear of insects, I'll try and work that back in somehow. Keep the criticism rolling (still not sarcastic)! Edited by Brackie, Oct 24 2009, 09:21 PM.
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![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I can't sing but I wrote you a song Wrong notes but the melody's so clear When I'm lost, I'm still close to gold cause I found my treasure in you | |
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| MurderWeasel | Oct 24 2009, 11:00 PM Post #6 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Alrighty. You're getting really close here. There are just a couple minor things I'd still liked worked out. The first is his weight. 170 is dead-on average for 6'1", so I'm a bit confused by him being stated to be overweight. I'm also a little worried about his newly added anger problems and "almost internationally famous" blog. The latter you can fix by changing to "mildly popular" or something of the sort (truly famous people on the internet tend to get stalked in pretty short order, and international fame is stretching realism a bit). The anger issues are cause for worry because we try to discourage premade "players" (that is, characters who we can easily tell from a look at the bio will be enthusiastic participants in the killing side of SOTF). If you give a little more info on his anger, though, I think it can work just fine (what I'm specifically looking for is a note on the form it takes. If all he does is rant, we have no problem). Let me know when you fix this up! Thanks for your continuing patience! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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| Brackie | Oct 25 2009, 02:09 AM Post #7 |
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personification of adhd
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thanks, I almost forgot about the weight bit. I must have glazed over it. I must have skipped over the rule about premade players, so I toned down his anger. I also just remembered the rule about being too famous. Right now, he's only popular, not wikipedia popular. Glad to see all my other changes got accepted. |
![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() I can't sing but I wrote you a song Wrong notes but the melody's so clear When I'm lost, I'm still close to gold cause I found my treasure in you | |
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| MurderWeasel | Oct 25 2009, 12:37 PM Post #8 |
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You've been counting stars, now you're counting on me
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Thanks for bearing with me, incrobe. Brendan is APPROVED! There's one little thing I forgot to mention in all my critiques, that I'd love it if you change for the final V4 submission, but it doesn't affect pregame acceptance at all. The term "claustrophobic" in regards to being near other people is a bit confusing, and I think you might be better served just using "anxious". As I said, it doesn't matter right now. Welcome to pregame! |
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V7: Juliette Sargent drawn by Mimi and Ryuki Alton Gerow drawn by Mimi Lavender Ripley drawn by Mimi Phillip Olivares drawn by Ryuki Library Vee Misty Browder drawn by Ryuki | |
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