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Kale Richardson
Topic Started: Oct 5 2009, 07:17 AM (562 Views)
daybreak
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Run with me...
[ * ]
Name: Kale “Fox” Richardson
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12
School: Bayview Secondary School
Hobbies and Interests: He’s part of the school Baseball team, knows maybe a little too much about Entomology (studying/collecting bugs) and he’s become quite taken with the Pakour trend.

Appearance: Through the start of high school Kale was awkward. Gangly and clumsy over his own feet. Now at 5’11”, 192 pounds, he’s grown into his proportions and into adulthood. His skin is tanned a healthy browned over an athletic physique, built up from many hours of free running. His build is for the preference of speed over strength.

His copper brown eyes stare out from his subtly attractive angular face, framed by his auburn brown hair, he often has it swept forward through the middle and swept back at the sides. Majority of the time, he has scratches and scrapes on his face from messing up a jump or move.

There’s always dust and dirt on his clothes and the strange bands of coloured rubber are ever present on his fingers. His usual attire is worn jeans or three quarter pants, drawn in at his calves, some hoodie, singlet or t-shirt. He’s never without his Inov-8s, though, his most favoured running shoes.

Biography: Between his birth and the age of eleven, Kale grew up in the small town Ravenna, Ohio. And in a small town there’s not much to do. So he would often amuse himself by finding new and interesting places that other people couldn’t get to. This often frustrated and worried his parents. They’d lose track of him for hours and end up fretting to the point of calling local authorities. It wasn’t long before people started calling him a damn tricky fox for all the grief he’d cause. Most of the time, adults would be around to keep an eye on him so he wouldn’t skip off again. This left little chance to be around kids his own age. Being an only child made him lonely at times, but his stay at home mother, Coleen was always with him. Eric, his father is the money earner of the house and a man of principle. Boys don't cry, a man should never strike a lady and this was rubbed into Kale's grain from a very young age. Because of this he’s got quite a gentleman streak in him, he has to open the door for a lady, he has to stand himself when they leave the table, and the very idea harming a girl makes him red in the face with anger. Because of his father's values being drilled into him, Kale tends to believe women are meant to be protected by men and taken care of.

Growing up near mostly forest, Kale took an interest in catching bugs and beetles. He’d take them home and keep them in jars. It wasn’t long before he had a collection of pinned insects on his walls, as he looked for more ways to pass his free time. His father would take him hunting from time to time. But Kale never liked watching animals get killed and skinned, and has gained a great dislike for guns and what they can do.

A man of old values, much like his father, Kale keeps a calm disposition about himself. He comes across as distracted at school and mentally elsewhere. He barely raises his voice and tends to keep out of debates and arguments as much as he can. But put him in his Parkour group and he’s open and all about high energy.

Life changed for his family when they moved to the big city. His father had to work more to afford the rent and his mother’s socialising and going out. Kale, usually surrounded by adults, had to start making friends his own age, and he just didn’t want to. City kids struck him as strange but the older kids without cars really knew how to get around. They had caught his interest very quickly. He’d spend his days after school watching them. Everyday, he’d get closer until they started to acknowledge him. As he got older, the group started to teach him how to make art with his movements. Day and night he learnt new and better ways to move. Without even realising he had gotten swept up in a culture. He didn’t feel the need for other social contacts now having his urban family.

The young man was never anti-social by nature, however he’d always have trouble connecting with people in his age group. So it seemed natural to end up in a group of older friends and peers. He often steers away from conversing with his fellow students, just because he wouldn’t know what to talk about. He joined the school Baseball team only after much encouragement from his father to play a team sport. Though, somewhat forced to be there, Kale gives his all for his team. He respects his teammates greatly, even if he has nothing to add during the locker room discussions. He’s usually placed ninth on the batting line up, and he’s never on the pitcher’s plate but his speed and agility helps him dominate the field. It took quite a few baseballs to the head before he realised he needed to concentrate on the ball not just getting to the impact point.

Advantages: Kale’s fast and not just physically. His brain processes what’s ahead of him and pushes his body into coercive action. He’ll find a way to lose a pursuer, whether it means out running them, exhausting them or luring them into a tight spot.
Disadvantages: Fight or flight. Kale would choose to run if the option is there, and an exposed back is like target. The hearing in his left ear tends to fade in and out with a high-pitched buzzing from time to time, resulting from a series of Parkour related injuries…He holds a strong dislike for guns and a slight fear of them. He could never face a female opponent, being too opposed to striking them.
Edited by daybreak, Dec 3 2009, 07:30 AM.
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You won't find us competing. You'll find us on the street, moving, reaching for that one constant called the sky. You look at a wall and you see a barrier, we look and see new heights. We don't run, we glide. We don't jump, we fly...building on nothing but sweet perpetual motion, edging closer to the flow. This is Parkour. This is a way of life...do you want to learn how to break your boundaries?
Join the revolution...
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Greg The Anti-Viking
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On the left is a mod, on the right is a pre-made psycho...get the picture?
[ *  *  *  * ]
Hello and welcome to Survival of the Fittest!

You don't have too bad a start my friend, however at this point in time, the character is temporarily denied. There will be quite a bit of work needed, but if everything is fixed up on your revision I can see Kale getting approved.

The first thing that I find in this profile is that there is a couple minor formatting things, just change the words to numbers in grade and age. It seems petty I know, but it'll make it easier when we catalog it for our wiki pages.

Moving to hobbies and interests, you did a good job in elaborating on what Kale likes to do, however there are a couple things of note. You mention that he is the star catcher of the baseball team, but there isn't any real elaboration on how he got to that point, it seems more like he just joined the team and became the star player overnight, which isn't going to fly if that is the case, everyone needs to practice and train to become good at things it's pretty standard, it may be better to remove the star part and leave it at baseball. Now the other thing to mention is his parkour hobby. I must mention that this is a hot button hobby if you will amongst this forum, it's most certainly an acceptable hobby, it just can be powerplayed if you are not careful. I will not ask you to remove it by any means, just be sure to not overuse it, as it will likely be something we'll be watching for.

Now moving on to the brunt of the profile we encounter the big problem, the tone of the profile. There were two major issues that I ran into throughout this profile. The first was that it came off a little flattering at points and the second was that it was at times needlessly verbose and complex. While there is no problem being descriptive of things pertaining to Kale's life however the person writing this in actuality is one of Danya's goons (an unbiased 3rd party) and he is writing a biography so that is easy to catalog student 032 or whatever the number is. In other words he will try to be as brief as possible when describing him and his life. To better elaborate what I am trying to say, I suggest reading Tone In Profiles as it is a very useful guide on what we are looking for on tone.

I don't think it will be useful for me to do any more critiquing at this point until the tone changes are complete however I will note one final thing that I can think of in regards to his appearance at least. Because this RP takes place in America, I would like you to convert his weight into pounds.

After you fix the tone issues and the other things I have mentioned, I will take the time to give a more in-depth critique of Kale. There were things I liked, but I just want to see them worded and then I'll be able to truly decide whether he is ready to go!
v5 characters
B054:Oscar Trig-Smoker, Artist, Film Buff

Please, message me if you have ideas, I sure don't!

Fall down seven times...
Stand up eight...
Japanese Proverb
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daybreak
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[ * ]
Edited.

Let me know your thoughts.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Posted Image~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You won't find us competing. You'll find us on the street, moving, reaching for that one constant called the sky. You look at a wall and you see a barrier, we look and see new heights. We don't run, we glide. We don't jump, we fly...building on nothing but sweet perpetual motion, edging closer to the flow. This is Parkour. This is a way of life...do you want to learn how to break your boundaries?
Join the revolution...
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Greg The Anti-Viking
Member Avatar
On the left is a mod, on the right is a pre-made psycho...get the picture?
[ *  *  *  * ]
My apologies for the late response, it's been a busy week for me, so without further ado, here is your critique.

Well we are definitely getting closer here but I'm still going to have to temporarily Denied. We're close but there are still a few things that I need elaborated on.

First of all, after looking at various eye chats for colors, I haven't seen any mention of Morion colored eyes. I know morion is a quartz like mineral but it doesn't reflect itself as an actual eye color. That's going to need a bit of a change to fit something more appropriate. Standard colors are fine. I also recommend combining the sentence that ends in what color his hair is and then what it's styled in, you can keep that together, just remove the fact that it's a "characteristic hairstlye" as it's not needed.

Moving into the biography section there is still an issue in regards to his new found love of baseball first of all, so far as I know, there is nobody that bats 10th in high school baseball, at least in professional team games like what you are suggesting here so just switch it up to 9th and that will be fine. The bigger issue is you still describe Kale as a star baseball player, and yet his profile screams otherwise, I think it would be better if you remove the star part and leave him as a catcher.

Finally, there is one thing in regards to his disadvantages that I want to bring up, he doesn't wish to strike women, which is an amiable trait and an acceptable flaw, however it's going to need more elaboration in the actual profile, much like when your character has hobbies that need to make there way into the profile, it's the same with advantages/disadvantages so if you can elaborate on that in the biography that would be much appreciated.

So as you can see there is still quite a lot to be done here, not too much, but if you could please fill out everything listed above and post again when it is done. Then you'll get a much faster critique this time. Thank you very much.
Edited by Greg The Anti-Viking, Oct 12 2009, 11:37 AM.
v5 characters
B054:Oscar Trig-Smoker, Artist, Film Buff

Please, message me if you have ideas, I sure don't!

Fall down seven times...
Stand up eight...
Japanese Proverb
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daybreak
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Run with me...
[ * ]
Edited.

*rolls over* I wish my brain wasn't so mushy after work...Gah. I'm looking at half my sentences thinking; does that even work?

*sighs*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Posted Image~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You won't find us competing. You'll find us on the street, moving, reaching for that one constant called the sky. You look at a wall and you see a barrier, we look and see new heights. We don't run, we glide. We don't jump, we fly...building on nothing but sweet perpetual motion, edging closer to the flow. This is Parkour. This is a way of life...do you want to learn how to break your boundaries?
Join the revolution...
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
Greg The Anti-Viking
Member Avatar
On the left is a mod, on the right is a pre-made psycho...get the picture?
[ *  *  *  * ]
Well, everything I have asked of you has been done and I haven't seen anything else that can keep Kale back from pregame so he will be Approved!

Just make sure that you are careful with parkour like I talked about and have fun with it!

Welcome to pre-game!
v5 characters
B054:Oscar Trig-Smoker, Artist, Film Buff

Please, message me if you have ideas, I sure don't!

Fall down seven times...
Stand up eight...
Japanese Proverb
Offline Profile Quote Post Goto Top
 
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