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| Poisoned Logic; my normal approach doesn't work here | |
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| Topic Started: Mar 15 2009, 06:06 PM (608 Views) | |
| Solomir | Mar 15 2009, 06:06 PM Post #1 |
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Nanotech Engineer
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This sucked. Life sucked. This was not how a vacation back home was supposed to end up. ----- Vancouver. Home. Sure, Peter lived in St. Paul now, but this would always be his home. The place where he grew up. The place where his old friends were. Also the place where his parents currently were not. Coupled with being the best goddamn place to live in North America, Peter was all set for summer vacation. For half of summer vacation, anyway. Peter didn’t really have any plans for his visit back. He had told his friends he’d be back for the summer vacation, but hadn’t planned any actual activity beyond the casual ‘let’s meet up’. It probably wouldn’t matter. Peter knew from experience that overplanning things just tended to end up in failure. So if nothing was happening, Peter could just relax and do his own thing around the city. There were lots of things for Peter to do while he was back in Vancouver. Except seeing his boyfriend. Peter could deal with that. ----- Peter was supposed to be an honest man. Honest people don’t lie to other people. They don’t say things they don’t mean. They don’t pretend to be people at they aren’t. And they definitely don’t try to fake emotions for selfish reasons. Peter wasn’t an honest man. Justin didn’t deserve to be with a dishonest man. ----- “Who’s this?” Peter looked up from his plate of sushi. Brian, his best friend of sixteen years, was holding up his cell phone and pointing at the wallpaper photo. It was a simple shot of him and Justin; nothing special or suggestive. “Guess,” Peter replied with a grin. “Boyfriend. Who else would someone put as their phone wallpaper.” Peter loved Sandi. His right-hand girl of his middle school days was spunky and snarktastic. Few people in the world could match his sarcasm blow for blow. It was about halfway through his first week back. Peter was out with two of his closest friends, stuffing his face full of raw fish. Brian and Sandi were two people that he knew he could trust with anything. He had kept in touch with them while he was down past the border, and they kept him updated on the state of things in Vancouver. “You know the drill. What’s the low-down?” The three of them had a pact: whenever any of them had a crush on someone or were dating someone, the others would relentlessly question every detail of the involved party. It was supposed to be to help make sure they were liking the right people for the right reasons. Of course, it tended to end up just keeping them single. At least it’s done with noble intent. “His name is Justin Corrigan. My school. Our age. He’s cute, but you can see that yourself,” Peter started He still remembered all the pertinent questions, even though it had been more than a year since he needed to use them. It was probably because Sandi just couldn’t keep guys from asking her out. There was also that one time with Brian and his ex, but those two had lasted quite a while. There was basic information: descriptions, hobbies, extra-curriculars, etc. The two had only been dating for three weeks, but Peter had been observant for most of the school year to track all that information. Then came the harder stuff. Motives and motivations. Relationship history. Reputation around the school. Opinions on politics and religion. Life philosophies. Peter didn’t have answers for all of them. Most of what he knew was gleaned from listening and observing around the school and at parties. “He doesn’t sound like the kind of guy that matches your criteria,” Brian said. There was something about his tone of voice... was that bitterness? It had been almost a year since Brian and Peter’s “experiment”. And both of them had been drunk. “He’s not perfect, but nobody is,” Peter countered. Sure Justin wasn’t a romantic sap, or a shining beacon of good behaviour. “He can be a better person. That’s what I believe.” “You hooked up with him when you were drunk,” Brian said. That was definitely bitterness in his voice. “He’s probably just trying to get into your pants. And you should know that.” Maybe Peter was just with Justin for a physical relationship. He couldn’t be entirely faulted for wanting that considering it started when he was drunk. No, Peter knew he wasn’t that kind of person. He was looking for something meaningful. “I asked him out. Yeah, I was drunk. But you know how bad I am at asking people out without booze.” “So being drunk makes it all right for you to be a who-“ “Stop it Brian,” Sandi snapped. Her eyes flashed with… something. Peter really needed to get better at reading people’s eyes. “You’re being loud. We get it, you don’t approve. So Peter, let’s start picking at how your dates have gone so far.” Brian was at least partially right. Maybe Peter was just deluding himself and trying to justify going out with Justin. Or maybe there was something in Justin that Peter could salvage and turn into a real meaningful relationship. Maybe.... ----- Peter was supposed to be a good man. Good people don’t hurt other people. They don’t toy with people’s feelings. They don’t put their own needs before others’. And they definitely don’t try to gain from others’ losses. Peter wasn’t a good man. Brian deserved someone better than him. ----- “If you have something you want to say, just go right out and say it.” Peter was sitting comfortably in Brian’s desk chair. It was late, which is what happens when people forget how late karaoke places closed. Peter had driven Brian home, and had decided to chill out in his room for a little bit before heading back to his brother’s apartment. Brian just sighed. He was sitting on his bed, looking tired and very deep in thought. Come on man, you’ve been terrible this past week. You’re moping and being all quiet and mysterious about it. It really ruins the mood when we’re trying to have fun.” Peter was trying to fit all the pieces together. His best friend wasn’t like this at all. At least he wasn’t when he left a year ago. “And you get so irritated whenever the topic of my boyfriend comes up. If you don’t want to hear about it, then you should just tell us so we don’t talk about it. It gets your point across better than being irritable. ” “Then stop talking about him. I don’t want to hear anything about him.” “What’s the big deal anyway? You’re acting like a kid that had his candy stolen. Jeez, it’s like you have a thing for me or something.” Could it be that? No, that was a year ago. They had been drunk, it didn’t mean anything. And he had meant it as a joke. “Well maybe,” Brian sighed, “that’s exactly the issue.” Shit. Meet fan. “Brian,” Peter said, “what happened a year ago… we were drunk and fooling around. You’re my best friend and it’s not like we were expecting to have anything come of it.” “Don’t fucking lie to me. You started it, just like you started it with your boyfriend. And I went along because somewhere inside, I wanted it. You became more than just my best friend. I fucking care about you. I would do anything to be with you.” Peter could here Brian’s voice crack and waver. “I was going to wait for you to come back. So we could start again as something new.” Brian was right about something. Peter had initiated it that night last year. It wasn’t just because his best friend was convenient, that there’d be no ill will afterward. Peter had seen Brian as more than just his best friend sometimes. The puzzle was complete, but the picture was all wrong. He got up off the chair and crouched in front of Brian. He put his hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “Next year, after high school, I’ll come back. I’ll apply for UBC and then I can be up here with you again. Just wait a little bit longer.” Peter didn’t even know if he meant those words. But he just wanted things to be alright between the two of them. He wasn’t ready for what happened next. Peter knew Brian could be fast. Brian’s hand had moved to cup Peter’s face and brought his face in for a kiss before Peter could react. It was soft and chaste, unlike what they had last year. It was warm and fuzzy and all those other good feelings. It wasn’t a mad makeout session. It wasn’t primal and passionate. It wasn’t- Justin. Peter pulled his head away. This… wasn’t right. Well, it felt right to be kissing him, but something was screaming at him in his head. Shit. Right. He had a boyfriend. And what he had just done would have amounted to cheating. “Brian. We can’t do this now. I…” Peter had no clue how to put this nicely. “I have a boyfriend. Maybe he’ll never know about this, but I can’t do that. I can’t cheat on my boyfriend, even for your sake. I can’t.... Fuck. I can’t stay here. I gotta get home.” Peter bolted up and headed for the door. All he could think about was how much he needed to leave, and how much he wanted to stay. ----- Fuck. This. Noise. There is one way to find silence. There were too many thoughts. Too many feelings. You don’t have to feel a thing. There was no right choice. No matter what he chose, someone would get hurt. There’s a way to avoid making any choices. Life fucking sucks. Then end it. No. Peter wasn’t this weak. He could make it through. He could make the choice that had to be made. Except there is no right choice. Choices had consequences. Different choices had different consequences. The consequences are bad regardless. Short-term gain versus long-term gain. Potential short-term gain and long-term gain. But guaranteed penalties either way. Some penalties are worse than others. Brian was his best friend. He was important. Justin was his boyfriend. He was important. You have to choose one of them. He needed to be honest with Justin. He needed to be a good person to Brian. You know what you need to do Peter knew what he needed to do. This is how it is fated to play out No regrets No regrets ----- Peter knew the number by heart. It was really late back in St. Paul, but he knew Justin would still be awake. The phone rang twice before there was the click of someone picking up. “Justin?” Peter said into his cellphone. There was no point in trying to act strong now; he just needed to be himself. “Can we uh.... Can we talk about something?” |
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V5 B036: Benjamin Ward: "Sh-shut the fuck up. Or I'll k-kick your ass." B047: Marcus Leung: "Let's start by staying calm." V4 Rest in peace B004 - Peter Siu: "We're all fuck-ups." G006 - Tiffany Baker: "Will you stay with me, until I wake up?" G027 - Marybeth Witherspoon: "The cameras are pointing here, not there." B115 - Tony Russo: "I'm sorry...." G087 - Rachel Gettys: "I detest all my sins, because I dread the loss of heaven and the pains of hell." | |
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9:40 AM Jul 11