Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
Welcome to Survival of the Fittest, a RPing board loosely based off of Koshun Takami's Battle Royale, with its own unique plot and spin on the 'deadly game'. We've been around quite a while, and are now in our thirteenth year, so don't worry about us going anywhere any time soon!

If you're a newcomer and interested in joining, then please make sure you check out the rules. You may also want to read the FAQ, introduce yourself and stop by the chat to meet some of our members. If you're still not quite sure where to start, then we have a great New Member's Guide with a lot of useful information about getting going. Don't hesitate to PM a member of staff (they have purple usernames) if you have any questions about SOTF and how to get started!

Let the games begin!

Username:   Password:
Locked Topic
Character Critiques
Topic Started: Oct 19 2006, 09:55 AM (867 Views)
Megami
Member Avatar
Squishy
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Featured below is the current list of students enrolled in the respective "taken" classes of Bathurst, Franklyn, Gilroy, and Hobbsborough. Only characters assigned to the correct homerooms (or at least the correct grade) have been listed here, as only these characters will be eligible to compete in V2. Other characters participating in pre-game only will not be listed here.


BATHURST HIGH SCHOOL

Grade 10 - Ms. Gussie's Homeroom
Alexander Stevens
John Matthews
Johnathan Morales
Tanesha Lexx
Thomas Diftre

Grade 10 - Mrs. Rowena's Homeroom
Ali Grayston
Cathalie Meguro
Ian Rico
Mariavel Varella
Mitch Gunther
Richard Kingston
Sofie de Wilde
Walter Smith

Grade 10 - Undecided Homeroom
Bryan Calvert
Carmen Somerset
Dietrich von Ribbentrop
Gregory Moyer
Jenna Cassidy
Preston Grey
Sera Wingfield
Russ Gofis


FRANKLYN SENIOR HIGH SCHOOL

Grade 11 - Mr. Dolph's Homeroom
Chad Munteanu
Lee-Ann Collier
Matthias Kovalenko
Sam Sorenson
Whitney Acosta
Zed Foreman

Grade 11 - Mr. Duana's Homeroom
Eric Silvstedt
Gregg Archer
Ricky Callahan

Grade 11 - Undecided Homeroom
Mary-Anne Robinson
Sam Myron
Colton Valero
Christian Valero
Sean McPherson


P.J. GILROY ACADEMY

Grade 9 - Mr. Garrick's Homeroom
Damien Carter-Madison
Francis Mulder
Kristey Burrowell
Marvin Hendrick

Grade 9 - Undecided Homeroom
Deliah Dollop
Eli McConnell
Franco Sebberts
Seth Malvice
Satoru Kamui


HOBBSBOROUGH HIGH SCHOOL

Grade 9 - Mr. Satchel's Homeroom
Annabelle Bucchanon
Brad Wilson
Debrah Dollop

Grade 10 - Mrs. Saranna's Homeroom
Adrian Gray
An Linh Tuan
Andi Ayala
Andrew Swainson
Corey Edwards
Edgar Judah
Ernest Decarteret
Felix Travertil
Jack Russell
Jin Li-Jen
Jonathan Michaels
Kim Jones-Larame
Maggie Heartgreeder
Mai Oshinari
Paris Persphone
Siouxie Sioux
Taylor Brennan

Grade 11 - Mrs. Laney's Homeroom
Austin Spencer
Jackie Kovacs
Jamie Lesher
Kayla Ravoy
Nich Finlayson
Misa Achtland

Ayako Okogamine

Kevin De la Torre

Melissa Angelicchio

Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Megami
Member Avatar
Squishy
[ *  *  *  *  *  *  * ]
This was pretty popular back on the old site, so I figured we'd bring this over as well. For those of you who don't know the general context of this, let me explain. In this topic, you are allowed to do two things. You're allowed to request critiques of your characters (read: the other members respond and tell you what they think about your characters, what could stand to be improved upon, etc.) and you are allowed to critique the characters of members that have requested critiques.

Now, I don't think I need to tell you all this, but this is for positive reinforcement and it's for advice to have people improve. Ergo, don't post here if all you've got to say is "Your character sucks and you should stop roleplaying". This is for advice, not put-downs. Along those same lines, if you're just looking for an ego-boost in the form of "Your character is perfect and rocks!" then look elsewhere, because if you put your character up to the chopping block, flaws are going to be pointed out, but only in the interest of improving the character.

Keep it civil, because threads like these often have the potential to turn into one gigantic flame war, and we don't want that happening. This is just a place to put your characters up, have other people give you their opinion of the profile, and maybe learn a couple things along the way... so, enjoy, and begin the execution -- er, critiquing.
Misa Achtland

Ayako Okogamine

Kevin De la Torre

Melissa Angelicchio

Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Sephy
Member Avatar
High priestess of all things Gackt.
[ * ]
Guess i'll be the first up on the chopping block :P http://z10.invisionfree.com/SOTF_V2/index.php?showtopic=545

Could anyone let me know if they spot any typos too? I've proofread it but the spellchecker on my computer's gone completly nuts and seems to think I want to write everything in Swaheli.
Posted Image
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
laZardo
Member Avatar
^This is not what a Laz looks like^
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
The separated sibling theme, featured in Xaldien's Kristey and Andi and the sisterhood of Leo's Deliah and Ziggy's Debrah Dollop don't seem to have taken the opportunity to develop as much in pre-game. I understand if the meat of the situation would be saved until the requisite "final" encounter in-game, if that should take place before any unlucky rolling. It would be nice, though, if we could get to know these rivalries a bit more in-depth and how they affect their relations with the people around them.

I'd like to get some tips on how to get Marvin's character a bit more fleshed out, and a hopefully comprehensive critique on him, Reneé's, and Zed's performances in the past Pre-game. Tips for Damien are not really requested yet, as he's currently the only character of mine that's actually active.

Unfucked: Cisco Vasquez (V4)
Proper Fucked: Harris Van Allen (The Program), Rashid Hassan (V4)
Fucked Soon: Carlos Lazaro and Eliza Patton
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Endless_Helix
Member Avatar
Gaaah! They're eating the flesh off my bones!
[ *  * ]
Hey, could someone take a look over Gregory Moyer ? He's getting ready for a trial run in Bathurst.
I now have... Meat Puppets! with 70% more calories than my last ones!
Mortimer Jones, Boy 66: Emotionless and Hungry
Joeseph Gai, Boy 67: Yet to debut

Do you know why they're called revolutions?
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Jotun
...Schmexy Dwarf? Eh, you play the hand you're dealt...
[ *  *  * ]
^ I thought of Harry Potter with buck teeth. Not saying that's a bad thing as I know at least four epople in my school ridiculed for looking similar, so it's realistic and believable.

Also, saying he's the brightest is kind of silly for an impartial narrator, especially as you go on to call him a 'sucker'. Were it first person, I would believe it because you can't take everything said in first person for granted. Saying he's intelligent, even above-average intelligence is more correct. But that's more a beef with the profile. The character is otherwise pretty unique and well....well, made, I guess.

Anyway, any one of my characters. Though critique bounces off me anyway so it might be futile, I like hearing it anyway.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Endless_Helix
Member Avatar
Gaaah! They're eating the flesh off my bones!
[ *  * ]
Ooops... I'll fix that stuff up...

On Seth Malvice, I like the character concept. It will be interesting to see how he deals with the SOTF. But aside from that... Seth is pretty flat. He basically is an automoton. If he's a meatsheild, that isn't a problem. But assuming he's an actual character, you need to give him some humanity. Give him an interesting hobby, or personal philosophy even. The reader needs something to connect to. Even if he is ice... He'll just come off bland...

Thanks!
I now have... Meat Puppets! with 70% more calories than my last ones!
Mortimer Jones, Boy 66: Emotionless and Hungry
Joeseph Gai, Boy 67: Yet to debut

Do you know why they're called revolutions?
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Mitsuko2
Member Avatar
Slutty Dwarf
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
Could someone please critique mariavel's profile and current action in RPs?? It would be most helpful!
The Dan: she won me over with card games, brownies, sex and handcuffs

Edited as of 12/1/11

Alive: Norelia Concepcion, Elliot Stone, Allegra Hoffman

Posted Image
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Jotun
...Schmexy Dwarf? Eh, you play the hand you're dealt...
[ *  *  * ]
Well...

Disassociative Identity Disorder is pretty difficult to not be aware of, becuase it requires extended long-term memory loss or 'lost time'. It's kind of difficult to believe Mariavel has such a disorder and isn't aware of it. It seems more likely she's just capable of extreme violence she wouldn't normally even consider, which would form naturally from repressed experiences regarding her father and brother.

That was a long paragraph so say somethin really simple: Mariaval would be aware of her Identity disorder. It's next to impossible not to notice losing time, especially when she's with a person (Bryan) who would point out any extremes she might reach in violence. If she's not losing time, she's really just bi-polar. Both things would be supported by her traumatic past, however.

That's the only thing that bothers me toher than that I've never met a teenager who's perfectly endowed in all areas naturally..

In the RP, however. Mariavel is fine, in character and believable. Thumbs up.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
lovebirdjo
Member Avatar
Chainmail and butterfly kisses.
[ *  *  * ]
I had Annabelle and Lee-Ann's profiles critiqued back on the old site, and I appreciate Megami's comments. Now I'd like some more feedback on the two. I take the stuff to heart. If you guys find it hard to roleplay with either of them then I want to be able to fix that and make them fit more into the storyline of both pregame and if they are accepted, in v2. Corey is taking forever to write his profile because he's so different from the other two. So, if someone has time, then could they see what's good and bad with both?
Posted Image

G007 ~ Sierra Manning | >> // >> // > But I Might Die Tonight < | Pepper Spray
Quote:
 
12:56 am Mimi: ....do rodents often eat panties in Australia?
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
laZardo
Member Avatar
^This is not what a Laz looks like^
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Sasoru
So that's what they called the androgynous rock genre there. Seriously, some of those guys make Marilyn Manson look straight. But back to the critiquing. The hallucinatory visions are a nice touch though I might want to warn you against turning it into some kind of supernatural power.

Plus, his early biography (fork it, last name too) sounds... eerily familiar... However, it's interesting how that guy's life might have turned out if he went down the path you described. Maybe I'm being lazy, but I haven't yet seen much "establishment" in terms of actual RPing, so you could get to work on that. Hopefully it will be cool to see what happens when you throw a J-punk into an American BR.

(8:45 pm)I get the gut feeling that I've actually said this before...(8:59 pm)*after searching the v1 forums* wait...no I haven't. Sorry for the alarm. :D

Lee-Ann
You've provided a picture for her in the bio, and that's a plus though it hints that it might be someone you know. Apart from her apparent disability(?), which apparently causes her a lot of pain, she seems like a rather normal character (in the not-really-fitting-into-the-many-established-archetypes sort of way). Helps make her a more believable persona. So far it's too early to tell if there's really been any development from her first established biography.

Don't know if I can say much if anything for Annabelle because the only experience I've had was with her in the background (see 1 Thing Only).

And just because this poor guy's request never went heeded from v1...

Ernest
For some odd reason I can identify with this guy more than Damien. Specially now that I"ve been off my meds for about a week, but that's another flashback. The cunning psycho-albino type has been a movie villain stapletype up to current times (dVC anyone?) but the whole idea of imposed restraint is new. I suspect though that this whole obsession with intelligence and strategy will be thrown right out the window of the Sears Tower given enough time in SOTF and away from his meds, of course, after which Ernest might just become SOTF's Silas (only Satanic-ish instead of a literal killer Christian).

Still waiting on crit-eek/suggestions for my two aggressors. :D

Unfucked: Cisco Vasquez (V4)
Proper Fucked: Harris Van Allen (The Program), Rashid Hassan (V4)
Fucked Soon: Carlos Lazaro and Eliza Patton
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Sephy
Member Avatar
High priestess of all things Gackt.
[ * ]
laZardo
Oct 20 2006, 07:26 AM
Plus, his early biography (fork it, last name too) sounds... eerily familiar...

Well, Satoru's less perfect then Gackt :P after all Gackt is the world's biggest Mary Sue.
Posted Image
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Endless_Helix
Member Avatar
Gaaah! They're eating the flesh off my bones!
[ *  * ]
Renee is well developed, and I'm honestly curious to see how the Island breaks her. It will; she's been pampered all her life and has never had to fight for her survival. Being thrust into that situation isn't going to do wonders for her sanity, particularly at that age. I suspect that Marvin might backstab her, so he can be #1 and run the group.

Marvin, on the other hand, needs a bit more characterization. He's got nothing to make him unique. He plays tennis. You've got the potential for a great dynamic between Marvin and Renee. Marvin could really hate being number 2 for the "great" Renee, and want to get rid of her so he becomes the head honcho.

Thanks for the positive review on Ernest! B)
I now have... Meat Puppets! with 70% more calories than my last ones!
Mortimer Jones, Boy 66: Emotionless and Hungry
Joeseph Gai, Boy 67: Yet to debut

Do you know why they're called revolutions?
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
laZardo
Member Avatar
^This is not what a Laz looks like^
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
Who said the likening to Silas was meant to be "positive?" :lol: Just kidding. Half-kidding. Quarter-kidding. Iunno.

You want a Marty Stu? Check out Marvin's older brother. :D

I am seriously giving thought to having Reneé actually join them on the island, however right now her grade barrier is the "official" reason for her not doing so. Personally I think it'd really mess with both Marvin's and Damien's minds to think Reneé was on the island with them. And it'd really mess with Reneé's mind to see the two of them fighting for (per se) her, if they allow a "relatives" RP like they do now.

Right now I'm trying to develop Marvin in an RP with Jotun in Gilroy. Mr. Spontaneous takes on the embodiment of Apathetic Reactionarism. Good stuff. To be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how Marvin would go about his intimidation, as he has to be careful not to tread onto the wrong side of those precious Gilroy rules. XD;;;

You know what? Fuck it, draw and quarter Damien for me, guys. He's currently falling into a familiar state of mind...

Unfucked: Cisco Vasquez (V4)
Proper Fucked: Harris Van Allen (The Program), Rashid Hassan (V4)
Fucked Soon: Carlos Lazaro and Eliza Patton
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
Chase
Member Avatar
is only doing this 'cause you're a mod!
[ *  *  *  * ]
I got you, Jotun, you're in my sights :angry:


Felix Travertil

The profile has a good amount of development and information about the character... when it comes to what looks like how he deals with his social life during school and such. But it's simply how he is now, and when it comes to creating a character who's a teenager there is going to be more to them. You did focus on what will most definately be important to how Felix will react in the game, but almost nothing on how he's gotten to be that way. He does things purely for personal gain, but how is he around his family members? He lives with them after all. You don't even have to focus on siblings (though whether he was an only or first born, middle, youngest can tell a lot about how he might be) or anything if that's not what you want to do, but there are a lot of things one can establish about their character by just discussing background on family and whatnot. And I don't just mean that Felix's parents have to be evil, or they have to be oblivious in all counts, just maybe how he feels towards them. Are they well-to-do, just sort of middle class?

While your profile does have enough to be able to give a picture of Felix, it's still a little bit fuzzy and could be cleared up by establishing him in a more rounded fashion, taking into account more aspects than just his social life.


Seth Malvice

Not nearly as developed as it should be to establish him as a character. Yeah, he's not very social, and that might work fine considering that there are few characters in P.J. right now to RP with, but when it comes down to it he's not going to have a chance to stand out there. It has to be in his profile, which I hope gets more to it eventually. Noticing right now that you focus a lot on the social aspect of your characters, you've got most of that down, but it's probably time to branch out into the other parts of a personality.

I would really like to see how his disconnected emotions play off with his family, it sounds like they notice something is wrong.


Kayla Ravoy

As it does say that you're going to work on this later, I won't say too much except: 5'6" is measly?!

I'm not even 5'2"....


:lol:
Risen from the dead.
Offline Profile Goto Top
 
1 user reading this topic (1 Guest and 0 Anonymous)
Go to Next Page
« Previous Topic · Roleplaying Discussion · Next Topic »
Locked Topic