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Fiyori Senay was a young woman without a future. She heard this often, of course. Heard it from parents and teachers, policemen and guidance counselors, friends and enemies, acquaintanced and even some fucking strangers who never should have bothered to bother her. Some people said it as if it were some kind of warning. Some kind of prophecy even. Some others said it, one way or the other, and meant it to be insulting - a way to gain some kind of imagined superiority over Fiyori. She heard it often, she heard it way too often. But she knew it was all true.

Fiyori Senay was a woman without a future, because she chose to have none.

She wasn't so conceited to assume that even crawling out of her mother's womb she lamented the ill fate of being birthed on this cruel world. Oh no, there was certainly a time when Fiyori Senay was a little but different child and people asked her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she'd say something frivolous like 'doctor' or 'astronaut' or 'chef'. She didn't remember though. She remembered nothing about what her childhood was like, and she did not remember how she felt. Her parents told her a story from time to time, and they generally followed the same format of Fiyori doing something stupid specifically to shame her parents and them then doing something amazing to show how fucking snappy or witty or amazing as parents they were. She didn't believe them. Did so at first, of course, because all children saw their parents as those infallible giants at first, but eventually she grew to realize how ridiculous those stories sounded, and Fiyori Senay grew to resent her parents for it.

The thing was – it was a little bit scary whenever Fiyori thought about it late at night – all she could remember, no matter how far back into her memories she went, all she could remember was that she was disgusted. Repulsed by the very fact that she was alive. Horrified by the fact that she was born to a world that neither cared about her successes nor her failures and how nobody asked her whether she wanted any of it all. Nobody ever bothered to ask her if she wanted to go to school. If she ever wanted to go to high school. If she ever wanted to waste her youthful days working on hours of homework. If she ever wanted to gain thousands of dollars of debt so that she could go to a college and work for something she never asked for. If she ever wanted to lose so many nights of sleep to the stresses of academic success to gain a degree that might just as well be of no use to her because Fiyori Senay was Fiyori Senay whom nobody knew and nobody hired. Even if she was good – and Fiyori knew this wouldn't be the case because she just wasn't smart enough for a degree – nobody would bother to hire her because if it came down to it, people would prefer those whom they knew and Fiyori knew no-one.

For some reason, this especially was some sour note. She hated people who thought otherwise. People who thought if they just worked hard enough someone will recognize their spirit and dilligence and offer them opportunities. Nobody ever asked Fiyori, if she wanted to work hard and harder yet to attain a dream of a stable job and a stable home even if she knew that she would never reach it. Nobody asked her if she wanted to grow old, if she wanted to lose all the few mental and physical abilities she had to chronic heart diseases or cancer or dementia or maybe even to a drunk driver who thought they would be the one person capable of perfectly controlling a vehicle in the dark and completely shit-faced.

Nobody asked her if she wanted to live only to perpetually face challenge after challenge whose only outcome was a quick or slow decay and death.

Of course, what Fiyori Senay realized as she got a bit older a very important thing. Once, she pondered who 'nobody' was, and who would have asked her if she wanted any of life. Her parents? A god that didn't answer? The uncaring universe? There was no-one to ask the question. But there was someone who could answer.

And she could answer no, and so she did.

It was supposed to be the day after graduation. Maybe the week after. She was flexible about it. Fiyori figured what happiness she could gain from life. And she figured that high school was still a pretty good deal as long as she didn't have to bother about what came after. People constantly pestered her about her 'future', but that was fine. She knew she would kill herself and so she would just discard all of those responsibilities people tasked her with and enjoyed every second she could by doing so. It was okay, after all. There were some troublesome times, because life was like it is, but in general it was a lot of fun. A lot of fun she knew she only had because she was still going to high school and didn't have to worry about money or credit points or debt or anything.

But high school had to end and then she would be an adult and nothing she would ever do could halt the suffering she would inevitably experience in the long run. She felt it was a good compromise. No, it felt like a victory whenever she thought about it. The world was uncaring and nothing more than a simplified construct for Fiyori to lament about, but it felt good to think how life would just make her unhappy, and how she could prevent all of this unhappiness by taking action herself.

All of it so good and yet...
Fiyori Senay

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Zum Glueck In Die Zukunft · The Connecting Bridge