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Alex Rasputin's hopeless, slightly pathetic stance quickly gave way to a tall, defensive exterior shell. Not to appear close-minded or insincere, but simply to keep a personal integrity throughout the thoughts and recollections he was about to spew forth.

In layman's terms, he looked up towards the other boy and rose to speak at eye level.

"How did it feel to remove their lives?"

The normally unflinching Russian winced when the boy asked him that particularly scathing question. It didn't really... feel... at all. When Alex thought of someone "feeling" something he always imagined normal emotions. There was nothing normal about killing someone, and no real emotion to describe it. The emotions after were what fucked you up. Regret is never a nice emotional state. One Alex couldn't see himself leaving for as long as he lived. (Note that his estimated life-span is, however, very short at the moment.)

"To be honest... I can't really describe it. It's not like I liked it. I did what I had to do to survive. The first time... Some fuckin' nerdalinger decides to cut me across my face - "
Alex points out the fresh slash running from the upper right to lower left corners of his face.

"- and I knew he'd do worse to others. In Robert's case... If it wasn't a chainsaw, it would be a stick or a rock or a knife or a bat. My life was in danger, and he had to die."

The last few words felt slightly empty in Alex's mind. He didn't believe them. Those two boys didn't have to die. None of the students did. They didn't deserve any of this. Alex seemed to almost deflate following the last words, as he sunk into blank regret.

"I regret what I did. I don't want to kill anyone. I never did. I also won't lay down and die for anyone. I wanna live... And it seems like too much to ask these days. I don't even know if I deserve the luxury of not dying at some point in the near future."

"I don't really think there's any way I can make you trust me, but I know that I won't last too long out here on my own. People who... well, who want to justify their own murders by saying that they 'killed the bad guys' will hunt me down. I don't really like admitting it but... For everything I've got going for me in the "scary and large" department, I'm lacking in the "people who don't want to kill me" department."

He took a breath. Typically Alex rarely has that much to say in an entire day, and for some reason being confronted about it let loose a whole lot more than he imagined.

"Can... can you help me? I don't want to die. I don't think I want anything to do with... death... anytime soon."
Edited by Shiola, Oct 31 2010, 10:45 PM.
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So What Do We Do Now? · The Woods: Coastal