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Viewing Single Post From: The Only Way Is Up
Rattlesnake
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Now you may be wondering, who was wearing the bolo tie? Me or the shark? Answer: YES!
[ *  *  *  *  *  * ]
"Son of a monkey's left nipple."

B088: Start

Cody Jenkins tried holding his map upside-down. It didn't help. He hadn't expected it to, of course, but it was just one of those things people did, like touching wet paint or pushing harder on the buttons of a dead remote control when it's perfectly clear that neither will do any good. He knew that these urges were completely asinine, but also that holding out would simply increase the burning desire to be stupid, so he simply gave in to these impulses as a matter of course.

The problem with the map was that it simply didn't show what he needed to know. It was all fine and dandy if you wanted to move from one corner of the island to another without swimming, or if someone who had lost their map and who desperately needed to avoid getting wet was interrogating you about its contents at gunpoint, but seeing as roving about the island like a man looking for his car keys was stupid, and that there seemed to be a shortage of directionally-challenged wicked witches on the island, it was perfectly useless to him except to hold at funny angles waiting for the unintelligible mess to resolve suddenly into "SOUTH, YOU RETARD!"

In short, he was lost.

Under normal circumstances, "lost" didn't worry Cody much, because normal circumstances "lost" involved either paved roads or smoke monsters. In the woods, however, "lost" had a very nasty ring to it, and that went double when better than 250 other beweaponed seniors were lost, and the authorities weren't going to do anything about it, because the authorities were precisely the ones who had put them there in the first place as part of a heavily-publicized recurring terrorist attack. And, he thought, it went quadruple when the terrain was all hilly and tree-y and one was carrying a pack on one shoulder and an axe on the other, although there were plenty of cameras around that he could vent his rage at. Everyone did it, of course, and it really just boosted the ratings, but if that was what it took to get the word out to everyone, he could deal with it, and maybe even tell people he was doing it ironically, because doing lame stuff ironically was apparently awesome.

He could hear people up ahead, specifically someone trying to put the moves on the ladies. He hurried forward, because one of them might know what in the world they were doing, and also there was probably at least a guy and a girl, who could easily be friendly and hot, respectively. Stepping brashly out of the trees, he leaned on his axe, looked at them, looked at his map, turned it sideways, looked at them again, and then said, in earnest curiosity, "Hey guys. You know where we are? 'Cause I can't make heads or tails of this thing."
VeeFive


V4


NO. THERE IS NO MORE TIME, EVEN FOR CAKE. FOR YOU, THE CAKE IS OVER. YOU HAVE REACHED THE END OF CAKE.

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The Only Way Is Up · The Mountain