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Blastinus
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That's Just Crazy Talk
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I might be a terrible person, but Vince Samsa's backstory had me in stitches. When he's four years old his drug dealer mother gets shot in the head on his birthday, which happens to be Christmas, right in front of him, resulting in this line:
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As Vince stared at his mothers brains which at that point where spread against the floor of his house he promised himself not to cry.

There's a fine line between tragedy and black comedy, and I think his handler used it as a jump rope.

Right from the start, we get an idea more of the handler than the character, since Slacker doesn't even wait for Vince to get rolled a weapon before sending him onto the island. His first thread is one post long and just features him getting pumped up, putting on that football war paint and all. Football is the one thing besides his mother's brains that we know about this character, so I guess we're going full-bore with it.

Anyway, he writes around the whole "not having a weapon yet" thing by saying that his character hadn't peeked into his bag, which means that he approaches his first interaction with Cody Jenson a bit cautiously. After all, why threaten the guy when you might just have a rubber chicken in there? He asks Cody for a spare weapon, Cody says no and fires some parting shots as he tears off into the distance on his magic motorcycle. How he manages to avoid wiping out on that thing is a mystery to me.

By the time he reaches his next thread, evidently he's been rolled his weapon, since he's fawning over his assigned handgun to an uncomfortable degree. Oh also, everything relates back to his dead mother, because he has one detail in his backstory, and by golly, is he going to run it into the ground. When he encounters a group at the lighthouse, he makes small talk and tries to be a member of the group, and then Cody's motorcycle of wonders roars into the scene, accompanied by threats and gunfire, as is Cody's modus operandi. Vince wants to go out to help Glenn's brother Fred, but he ends up just talking about his mother again and nothing comes of it. Fred dies, Vince walks out too late, and Cody rides off into the night, trailing rainbows and sunbeams out the back.

A new thread, a new group. Vince has apparently gone off the deep end at this point, which means that he's playing with the standard V1 tactic of walking out at a significantly larger group while raising your gun and acting threatening. But...wait a moment, this is the scene where Kousaka spontaneously turns from a cocky gun mage to a simpering nobody, so there's somebody even hammier to distract from him. Vince takes the initiative, nabbing Kousaka's bag and performing a Cody-esque goodbye on the way out (by which I mean turning around, firing two shots, and disappearing into the Elsewhere Zone before anyone else can fire back).

Vince returns to the lighthouse to observe Fred's corpse and talk to his dead mother some more, which a mod swiftly informs him is an impossibility because Fred fell off a cliff. Also, he leaves that scene in the same post, so it's effectively pointless filler. Moving on, he comes to the well, sees a collective group with Cody in it, and hatches the clever scheme of throwing a smoke bomb and unloading an entire magazine at them. This fails to actually score him any kills, because he's trying to shoot people IN A SMOKE CLOUD! What was even the point of throwing smoke at them? You use smoke to hide yourself, you silly man! In the ensuing fight scene, Vince also gets suddenly philosophical:
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"Put a gun to my head and paint the walls with my brains. Just great, I say. Really." Vince told the boy evilly. "I know you won’t, because you’re just an idiot kid. You have been lied to about your individuality, there is no such thing as an individual and there is no such thing as you!"

Then Vince decides that he's going to ogle a girl's breasts while a shotgun is being trained on him. But that's okay because:
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"Pull the damn trigger, you’ll just be helping me out…" he looked up to the sky "When I was three years old I had a gun pointed at my head…

Look, I'll just abbreviate it for you. He talks about his mother again. At this point, everyone's ready to shoot him, but first, Bohemian Rhapsody. No real point to it. His handler just posts the lyrics to a Queen song. He takes a shotgun blast to the...feet? Look, I don't know what happened there. This is what Clare Shepherd does:
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With a quick movement she stepped to the side, blocking Ryan who was still sprawled on the ground, and shifted her gun to aim at the ground directly in front of Vince.

And this somehow sends Vince flying, right onto a convenient rock that impales him through the chest. Undeterred by, you know, an object poking out of his torso, he fires off all but one round at the group and then serves himself the last one right in the mouth, but not before delivering one last speech about his mother, then his last thought is of his mother, and really, how do you milk a single character trait for this long?

I really can't recommend Vince. At all. He's creepy, he's one-note, he accomplishes nothing of consequence, and his dialogue isn't even that fun. I'd take the psycho ballerina over him any day.

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