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Guy Maddin's favorite A.D.
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Welp. I had to get a Chad character eventually. Here we go with Jonathan Michaels.

Jonathan Michaels has a pregame thread where he plays with a lighter in the hallway as he ditches class due to the pregame murder taking everyone's attention or something? Another same-handler character named Jack strolls in and they have a conversation with no dialogue tags so I can't be bothered to keep track of who's speaking. Anyway.


It should be noted, if you're not aware, that Jonathan Michaels is the professional FEATHERWEIGHT BOXING CHAMPION OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. Apparently he was just dang good at boxing, because all that's basically given is that he started boxing when he was seven, had a rough first year after going pro (as I imagine most 14-year-olds would) and then turned it around an won the championship on his sixteenth birthday. He immediately celebrated with a three-month long drug binge so his parents made him go to public school. It's said he's a "former" champion in the bio, but there's no mention of him losing or getting stripped of the title and later in the bio it says he still has it. That bugs me a bit. That's also pretty much the entire bio so him being the drug-addled boxing champion of the world is all we're gonna get.


It takes all of two sentences before Jonathan is reminiscing about all the blowjobs he's gotten. This is also a songpost set to the Red Hot Chili Peppers, which saddens me. But.... OK Jonathan is thinking about his life and making the connection between getting fucked by a girl because everyone fucks you over in life and now he's on SOTF blah blah blah, and IT'S NOT TERRIBLE. Like, lame, but not bad. That italics flashback isn't bad.... and then it turns bad, into an endless thread of 200-word run-on sentences that are meant to be poetic or whatever. Chad something comes up to Jonathan and screeches about how he needs an ally to find a girl. Jonathan tells him to fuck off, so Chad calls the boxing champion of the world gay. Jonathan gets up and goes into a massive rambling monologue broken by spurts of Chad crying, pleading, revelling in Jonathan's badassness, and pissing his pants, until they stare at each other for five minutes and Jonathan shoves his entire shotgun down Chad's throat and blows his head off. That... was pretty terrible. Oh and then Jonathan cries at the pathos of what fate has brought his way or whatever.

An Linh Tran comes by and tackles him, so Jonathan starts thinking about sex he might have had with her in the past and "9 inches of Jonathan Michaels poking her in the eye". WELP. She also gets the better of him during the fight for a bit, which says some very sad things about the state of boxing these days. She later dodges his punches. You're kind of a shitty boxer, Jonathan. Then they both run to open their bags and his zipper gets stuck so An Lihn hits him in the face with brass knuckles, and he runs away, not bothering to shoot her because reasons.


In his next thread he muses over how the shitstorm that just went down was a "PR Disaster" (yep) and self-loathes a bit. OK, I like that Jonathan is a self-loathing guy. It helps a bit that he's always musing on how deep down he hates himself, and while I wouldn't say it makes him relatable, it's better than nothing.

But forget anything with potential happening because here comes another same-handler-handled character for a dumb death. Brad Wilson comes by and says in like two sentences "HELLO angry person! Why not have some water I give you? Nothing suspicious here!" so Jonathan starts slurping it down while unloading a bit on how fucked up he is. Fine. BUT NO, Brad had deviously put LSD in the water so as to turn Jonathan into his enslaved minion, or something.

That does not work. Instead Jonathan hallucinates random things and screams "BEGONE FOUL HYDRA" before ripping Brad's clothes and face parts off with his bare hands and also blowing his head off with the shotgun. Then Jonathan is fine again and moves on. So will I.

He has some pleasant memories about "orgies with Czech supermodels" when he was 15 and rambles on about v1 and nothing in particular. About like six people come by but all Jonathan cares about is Whitney Acosta (whom he doesn't even know but she's the most important and Chad had mentioned her). Some people recognize him from whatever homeroom, but no one seems to notice or care that he's a multiple-killer or also THE BOXING CHAMPION OF THE ENTIRE WORLD. Whitney leaves and then a couple other people come and leave and everyone leaves. Glad to see these kind of pointless threads aren't a recent invention at least! Jonathan has another pointless RHCP songpost about all the gazillions of sex he'd had on the beach in Miami or whatever.

He immediately moves into a new thread with fucking Blind Melon songposting AAAAAARHG. He's showing some signs of cracking up by screaming to himself about An Lihn, we'll see if that goes anywhere. Four hundred pound Rupert Stockton watches this, does seem to recognize him as the boxing champ, and insults his penis size. Jonathan starts to reply, but then the announcement comes on. The first announcement.


So Jonathan is terrified at being announced as a killer, which completely goes against what I've seen of his character, and runs off. He meets ANOTHER Chad-handled character in Chris Cohen. They fight and apparently have some backstory about Jonathan... I don't even know. Chris and his wife (?!) were at a concert and Jonathan apparently ripped off a girl's clothes and left her there naked? So they start idiotically monologuing at each other during the fight and then it degenerates into them just getting into some philosophical argument that they decide to solve with rock paper scissors. Jonathan loses and cries while honorably giving Chris the shotgun to kill him. Chris runs away instead of shooting. But then Chris turns around and shoots Jonathan in the back from fifty yards away anyway. This gives Jonathan a barrage of shrapnel that the narrative helpfully tells us is badly at risk for infection, so Jonathan then decides he needs an ally.

His final thread is a completely incomprehensible screed that's presented as an interview in the diary of 12-year-old Brandon Cuthbert (guess who handled him). The interview is utterly pointless and then Jonathan walks away and the 12-year-old child proceeds to effortlessly beat him up, then chokes him out with an X-Box controller and dissects him alive.


So yeah. Jonathan Michaels... I try to be a bit positive. And if you first of all forget the fucking world boxing champion stuff, and cut out all the idiocy about him sleeping with ten girls a week or whatever wannabe-edgy shit his handler loves to stuff in, there's a bit of a glimmer of what could have been. Jonathan has a few moments where he's truly this angry, self-loathing guy who can't help but tell people to fuck off and then lash out at them if they don't, and if THAT had been played up instead of, well, everything else, and if he'd had some actual relations and threads with people who WEREN'T also handled by Chad, maybe we could've had something. But instead you get what was above, and hey, that's V2


G058: Kaitlyn Greene aka Katy Buried - Horse Tranquilizer and Syringe
She Knew She'd Found Freedom - Questions - Fools - Barons - Opportunities - Sideshows - Dawns - Gulches

G038: Deanna Hull - Replica Freddy Glove - DECEASED
From Sea to Sky -Smoke--Sun--Tiki--Nine--Repeat--Talk--Now--Drift--Hunger--Valley--Fall--Rust--Paper--Heart--Sky-
B023: Jesse Jennings - Riz Action Figure - DECEASED
From Vision to Glory -Vision--Summon--Time--Plan--Length--Sleep--Cause-

B006: Ricky Fortino - Trowel - DECEASED
B022: Imraan Al-Hariq - Remington 870 - DECEASED
G036: Carly Jean Dooley - VASE D: - DECEASED
G077: Andrea Raymer - Gunpowder - ?????
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