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When little Johnny was an even smaller Johnny, he had learned of this thing called Sola Fide. It's a term the church people he spend his childhood around used, some fancy Latin basically meaning that someone could receive salvation just 'cause his faith was strong enough. Not a literal translation, to be fair. Didn't really know what it meant in English, though he could've sworn he knew it at some point.

Either way, Johnny thought it was pretty cool. The world was full of people so much better than him in all matters important. All these good people, all these powerful people. All these people who grew up to be fruitful and successful and diligent and helpful and then there was him - Johnny McKay, incompetent fool extraordinaire. To know that even he, he and his simple-minded soul would find happiness just by believing was chilling. But in a good kind of way.

For a moment, between soft sobs and the heaves of his friend he pondered. Was it faith that he had lacked so long?

No, no it wasn't. It wasn't faith he was lacking. He looked at Raina, and he knew that he believed in her. Believed in her more than in everything else he had believed in. Even when she left, even when all semblances of plans or hopes died, even in this most dire time did he believe in her.

An irrational kind of faith, one some people would call all religious belief, but one Johnny held regardless.

It wasn't faith he was lacking.

"Raina... I, I am so fucking sorry."

It was ability.

"I...I really am. Raina, please."

It was skill.

"Please, forgive me. This is, I just can't do it."

He had nothing. He was nothing. And now, over Penny's dead body he realized that was all he ever'd amount to be.


If only, it were not for her.
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Anemia · The Asylum Library