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escaping the real world to face reality
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Cass was being so kind, trying so hard to help Asuka rationalize it all, and she was making sense because of course she was making sense, of course it's normal to become numb and desensitized, but couldn't Cass see that Asuka didn't want it rationalized, didn't want the black hole inside her to be explained, diminished, justified? No. Let it consume her, let it wash her in hellfire and Despair. Capital-D Despair, big and scary and meaningless in a meaningful way.

"I...I don't know. It's not that I feel guilty--well, yes, I feel guilty that I don't feel more sad whenever someone dies, but the main thing is that, like, trauma's not really a drug for me, and I wish it was. I used to, like, romanticize apocalypses. Like, I wished an asteroid would crash into the Earth or something. Not that I'd wish that on everyone I knew and everyone I didn't know, but, like...think about how pretty it would be. Sky on fire, rocks crashing down and exploding around you, and you just sit there and watch, because what's the point in even trying to survive, what's the point in doing anything besides seeing how beautiful the Earth is when it burns? And you can say your last good-byes, tell everyone the things you'd always wanted to tell them but never had the guts to say, and you can watch as everyone on the planet gets together and sings fucking Kumbaya or whatever and we all get into a gigantic figurative group hug because why the hell not? Um. Sorry about the tangent."

Asuka exhaled. She'd been holding her breath in without realizing it.

"Anyways, my point was: Make an asteroid crash into Earth. Put me on SotF. Hell, summon God to tell me that everything I cared about was meaningless and evil and wrong. And now that it's happened, this is, like, the biggest, most meaningful that has happened or ever will happen to me, and I'm...fuck, this sounds dumb, but I'm wasting it. Like, what's the point in living when dying can't make you feel anything?"

Asuka paused. Laughed, self-deprecatingly. The conversation wouldn't have felt complete without it.

"Should've...fuck. I...I should've done drugs or something, should've fucked up in all the right ways in high school. But I guess it makes sense. If I'd done stuff with my life that was worth doing, I wouldn't care so much about dying meaningfully, and I wouldn't find it so hard to come up with a way to go out with a bang. If I were the kind of girl who could pull that kind of thing off, the kind of thing that I want to pull off, that I'm trying to pull off, I would've...I dunno. That me would've vandalized cars and buildings, TP'd the evil teacher's house. She would've gone out drinking and danced on tables or some shit. She would've shouted stupid rebellious teenage things at my dad while storming into her room and slamming the door behind her. She would've...I would've gone out and fucked random strangers and wandered home and woken up the next morning hungover and crying and not knowing why. Fuck, that's depressing to think about."

Fuck, she was talking too much.

"Sorry for being self-indulgent. Um. You can rant about whatever, if you want. I'll listen. I...I want to listen. So, please...anything."
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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Rivers of Sadness and Mutual Need · The Hunting Cabin