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Viewing Single Post From: If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am
Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
"Um. Okay."

But were they really on the same page? It'd be kinda anticlimactic if they were, if they had really understood each other so easily, because in what world could you figure out where somebody was coming from if you didn't know, like, really know, the person? Only really happened with soulmates, and Asuka didn't feel like Audrey was a soulmate. She didn't feel dreamy, didn't feel the kind of affirmation that made her blood rush and her thoughts race until her body was left far behind, a tiny speck in the distance that she was barely aware of. No. She could feel the sweat slowly drying on her arms, the blood seeping through her jeans. She was here, she was present. Which meant that she was alone-- at least, on an emotional level.

Oh, Asuka, you fucking emo. A true emo wouldn't care how emo they looked, though. She had a ways to go.

Asuka hated how conversations always seemed to dry up every time she tried to get to know someone, hated how she could never push herself through her awkwardness whenever the conversation started to dry up. All imagined, all in her head, because who gives a fuck about all that this point. But Asuka's stuck in her head. There's a good cosmic joke in there. Because hey, even if she dies alone and unfulfilled, she'll at least get to die a grandiosely pathetic death. Nihilism had a beauty all its own.

She didn't feel all that nihilistic, though, was the thing. She wasn't being crushed under despair and meaninglessness.

You're going to die alone, no one has or ever will understand you, you will never leave a notable mark on the world, and your life will have been devoid of meaning or fulfillment.

Nothing.

You can conceptualize that your life has meaning, but if you do not feel that meaning then your conceptualization is meaningless and you are nobody.

She tensed, waiting for chills to run up her spine, tears come to her eyes, pulse quicken, something. Anything. Still nothing. But she could do Ligotti one better.

You can conceptualize that your life is meaningless, but if you do not feel that meaninglessness then your conceptualization is meaningless and you are less than nobody.

Goddammit. Asuka knew she had no right to feel this way, no right to lament on her feelings when all around her people were dying and getting fucked up watching and hearing about their friends getting killed and killing but that's the thing, wasn't it? Asuka was jealous of them. She would do anything to be Alvaro, to be Scout or Penelope or Audrey, to be a something, a somebody, rather than an empty shell of nothing, barely there.

Asuka gripped her arms. Her grasp tightened, her fingernails biting into her skin.

She knew where this line of thought went, and the concerns were kinda different. But still. She'd be damned if she died alone. She'd be damned if she didn't at least feel sad when it came time for her to die alone.

((Asuka continued elsewhere))
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
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- V6: 1-2
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If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am · Group Therapy