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Viewing Single Post From: If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am
Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
"...that's what I think."

Of all things, that line was what gave Asuka pause.

A couple lifetimes or days or maybe it was hours ago, Asuka had been riding the bus back from school, surrounded by freshman--it was times like those that made her wish she'd had the motivation to go and get her driver's license, except she couldn't be motivated to find the motivation to get her driver's license. It wasn't that she hated being surrounded by freshman, or even surrounded by people, but she'd been tired, then, and they'd been talking gossip, which had made her even more tired, and she'd gone ahead and lain down on the bench, staring at the bus roof as the bus shook and rattled along and the roof shook and rattled over her head and looking at it made her feel nauseous and on the whole this sleeping on the bus thing was actually pretty uncomfortable but fuck it!--she had appearances to keep up. There'd been two girls in front of her, talking about some other girl, and one of them had gone, "It's, like, she's beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside, is what I think". She’d said it unironically, too. It'd made Asuka want to melt into the bus bench.

How dare Scout sound like a shitty soap opera. How dare she cheapen the moment like this.

Good to know that that memory hadn’t come out of nowhere. And wasn’t fixating on weird things typical in times of trauma anyways? Which is why people so often have weird triggers and such--like that story of the woman who got triggered by eggs because she made him eggs for breakfast after he fucked with her real bad. This was normal. She was normal. She was okay, and fucked in the head, and that’s okay--she’s okay.

Scout wasn’t okay. Scout was fucked in the head. Even Asuka knows that you’re not supposed to tell someone off right after killing their friend--a confirmed murderer, yes--in front of them. And that was okay, everyone’s fucked up to begin with and the island could only be fucking them up more and at the end of the day you love them all the same because, hey, look at Scout, she’s fucked up but she’s not a bad guy--well, bad girl, but that has a weird and different set of connotations--she’s not a bad person, is what she’s saying. Fucked-up and complex and therefore beautiful, Asuka was sure of it, but it all looks so ugly unless she concentrates on the right things--things that existed only in her imagination, because at the end of the day Asuka didn’t know how Scout was complex. Conceptualizing that Scout was complex--that would have to do. Because what she actually experienced was a red-headed meatsack yelling pointlessly at another meatsack, and there’s nothing about that which feels real.

"Just...stop it, Scout."

Stop. In the name of realizing Asuka’s reality in some tangible way, stop.

"It's...it's not supposed to work like that!"
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am · Group Therapy