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He didn’t know what to say.

Jasper was below him, blood on the floor, and- oh god oh god that was blood. Jasper’s. His blood, his- oh god no no no no no, his- he shook his head. His blood was on the floor. Jasper was below him, lying there. Bleeding.


And he did that.

He did it again. First Barry, now Jasper. No matter how much he regretted it, no matter how much he said about never doing it again, it had happened. He had done it again. Another friend, another customer, another teammate was dead, by his hands.

But wait.


No. No. No they weren’t. Jasper was breathing. Jasper was talking. He was still alive, there was a chance-

No. No. No there wasn’t. Jasper was bleeding. Jasper was dying. He wasn’t going to live. There wasn’t a chance. He was going to be another friend struck down by his hands.

And no. No. It wasn’t going to be quick. Alvaro knew that. The wound. It was bleeding. Not quickly. Slowly. He knew. Jasper was going to die. There was nothing Alvaro could do about it. He was going to die in pain and in fear and alone and there was nothing Alvaro could do about it because he did it he messed up he shot Jasper he killed Barry he murdered and made everyone hate him and he messed up and he was a failure the kid who owned a cafe who couldn’t speak at all who was an easy target and who wouldn’t do anything about it and who couldn’t do anything about it who messed up who made it so that his friend was going to die in pain and fear without anything that he could do about it and

The gun was in his hands.

His hands were shaking.


He could do it. He could stop it. He realised that. He could do it. He could help Jasper. He could stop his pain. He could stop his fear. He could do it. He could do it.

But no, he couldn’t, couldn’t he? Jasper was there. Jasper was his friend. Jasper was a friend an ally a teammate a person he could always talk to a person he could be friends with a friend a friend a friend no he couldn’t he wasn’t going to do it again this wasn’t going to be like Barry this wasn’t going to be like anyone no he couldn’t do this. He couldn’t shoot Jasper. No. No. No.

But the blood was there. The blood was leaking out. He did that. He shot him. He messed up and-

He could do it. He had to.

But no, he couldn’t.


The gun was in his hands.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.
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Thanatophobia · Group Therapy