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i'm not upset
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She’d been asleep two hours. In those two hours Caleb had walked the entire length of the cabin dozens of times. He’d gone back and forth, in and out, counting floor boards, looking at details in the dark. At least, he thought it was two hours? He had no idea how long it had been. He kept moving. He had to keep pacing quietly just to do something.

Caleb was looking for anything to occupy his mind and he was rapidly running out of things that would do.

He had held it together more or less for two days barring some outbursts here and there. Caleb had kept from becoming unglued because he had convinced himself he had to, but he was being held together with the psychic equivalent of paperclips and chewed gum.

In regular life he didn’t even consider himself all that “together.” Caleb paced up and down the stairs slowly like a video game character unsure of the next step towards progression. Of course he wasn’t the picture of mental or physical health even at home. It was put into even starker contrast against his fitter twin. A duplicate that was better than him in every way that also just had better luck.

I don’t have a chance do I?

He walked back up the stairs one more time and walked into a bedroom, swaying and lightly running into a wall. Kimiko had said it herself. It was a joke, sure, but she was right. What could he do? Nothing. He had nothing worth offering, nothing he could do to defend from something.

Why am I so worthless? Will anyone even miss me at home? Who would when there’s good version of you? He hugged himself and rocked a bit.
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The Lagniappe · The Hunting Cabin