"We tried to be better, but we aren't. I don't think anyone could last more than a week here if they weren't willing to do bad things." - Alba Reyes

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Viewing Single Post From: A World Of Sadness
Zetsumodernista
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escaping the real world to face reality
[ *  *  *  *  * ]
And then Penelope was gone.

She'd been misjudged. Or she'd misjudged. Something like that. She could shrug and move on, tell herself or a camera or something that she could live with that, but, really, who was she actually going to kid.

Inventory check. She was doing alright. A little bit of irrational anger somewhere in there, but Asuka pushed it down. Now wasn't the time to run after Penelope and tell her she had it all wrong, all of it, doesn't she get that Asuka gets it, that she wasn't looking to escape or directly attack the terrorists or anything? But it'd be of no use. It wasn't like she was planning on joining Penelope's team or anything. Lack of tangible benefits had never stopped her before, though.

So. Why hadn't she wanted in? Was it her inner artiste coming through and telling her that she had to do her own thing, that she had to be a special snowflake? See, it's not pretentious if she says it ironically. There was the thing where her life had been suddenly turned into a kind of performance art. So she could excuse being a little flamboyant. Was Penelope's plan not beautiful enough for her? Put simply, and rather stupidly, yes.

Asuka grabbed a twig, put one end on her lips, and pretended to take a drag on it. It felt good, like she was actually her daily nicotine fix from it. Cleared her head and all.

People tended to disappoint you in the flesh. Asuka knew this because her meat puppet disappointed her all the time. But if you look at who they really are, when you peel back the skin and flesh and bones until you're left with the grey matter, well, that stuff is beyond your wildest imagination. You have to imagine it, is the problem. Because, well. You know.

Asuka had glimpsed Penelope, or she'd imagined she'd glimpsed her. It didn't really matter. What mattered was that Asuka could never deal with the constant reminder that she sucked at this, that she still felt drained and exhausted and empty after talking to people even when everything worked out the way it did in her dreams. What mattered was that it had been meaningful, and then it had been meaningless, and now she was feeling unsure, a little less steady on her feet. Well, a little more unsure. Unsure was her baseline.

But she still had her plan, if you could call it that, and she still had her goal, if that's what it was, and she was still going to make them happen no matter what, but maybe she was idealizing them, yes? No way in hell was she going to live up to her expectations. She could insert a joke about how that was the story of her life, but it was a little too true to sound like a joke.

Think, Asuka. Think. Clear your head. She took another drag on the faux-cigarette. Fuck, she was already building up an immunity to the thing. She took another drag. Giggled a little.

Stupid idea. She'd lost her train of thought.

Words were still echoing around inside her head, but for Asuka, they'd long since lost their meaning.

((Asuka continued in You Gave Up Being Good When You Declared a State of War))
Edited by Zetsumodernista, Oct 13 2016, 01:09 AM.
dear god dear god tinkle tinkle hoy

G056: Asuka Takahara: The one who can out-pretentious them all.
- Memories: 1
- Pregame: 1
- V6: 1-2
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