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Rivers of Sadness and Mutual Need
((Asuka Takahara continued from And Now That I Am Here, I Am No Longer Here))

((Placeholder post :/))

Asuka knocked.

And Now That I Am Here, I Am No Longer Here
((Asuka Takahara and Audrey Reyes continued from If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am))

Predictably, they'd ended up doing nothing, fallen asleep in the corner of the room, as far from the corpse as possible. Asuka hadn't had the guts to move it, or to ask Audrey to move it. Nobody gave enough of a fuck to keep watch, and doing so felt like a violation of principle anyways. Even if they were playing, it wasn't like they'd be able to fight off anyone who tried to attack them in their sleep. Better to hope that any would-be killers who mistake them for corpses and not bother checking.

The sun didn't rise here and it was impossible to tell when night became day, but eventually her body decided it was time to wake up anyways. She had a blinder of a headache. Flicked on the flashlight, peeked out the door, tiptoed around until she could see a window. Naturally her body had been lying; it was pitch-black outside. What was she doing here, again? It's not like she was gonna be able to fall back asleep if it was still night anyways.

Asuka walked back to the room, her steps a little less cautious. Stupid risks were stupid risks; why bother mitigating them? Aside from the slow, rhythmic breathing of Audrey and her, all was silent. It didn't feel like Alvaro had died here just a night ago. It should've been years ago; the memories, intruding on the present like it had happened only yesterday--in a manner of speaking, anyways--rushing in, filling the quiet, peaceful space and imbuing it with otherworldly significance. This place was haunted as fuck. It was kinda the aesthetic she wanted anyways, though.

Somehow leaving a message for Audrey in blood on the wall still felt ridiculously kitsch. Scrounging up a pen took a really fucking long time, though, and Asuka wasn't gonna leave the room again over a stupid pen. She hauled a suitcase over, wrote "MEET IN BASEMENT" on the empty phone line.

Her idea was simple, stupid, and pointless for anyone except her: she would sit in each of the intensive treatment rooms for a really fucking long time. She would imagine a patient there, imagine a name, a history, a personality, when and how they died, and she would draw a decent analogy between the dehumanizing practices of a barbaric approach to mental health and this bullshit experiment or project or whatever the terrorists wanted to call it, she would sit there until she found the analogy meaningful, until she really felt it, deep down. She would sit there and she would stay there until she made herself cry.

Lucky that she picked the water treatment room first, she guessed: it was easy on the imagination. There was a corpse there, screwdriver in eye; the face looked vaguely familiar. She couldn't remember his name, what he was like, his killer.

Damn. Before, she'd felt free to imagine the person's life however she wanted, because the person would've been imaginary. Now she felt like she had to get it right.

Or maybe she just wanted an excuse to not hang around in another room with a corpse in it. Her mind wandered over to that room and the body in it, at any rate, even as she went into the room for electroshock therapy, sat herself in the electric chair, tried to imagine the electrodes being placed on her, tried to imagine her body coursing with electricity. All in vain; she couldn't even conjure up a face for the theoretical patient whose shoes she was trying to put herself into.

So. The kid in the other room. He'd died, and he'd never get a chance to know her, or her him. That was an irreplaceable loss, wasn't it? Did he have friends? Did they know him for who he really was? Was his family grieving, somewhere? Fuck, man, Asuka's sorry, she's sorry this bullshit eulogy or whatever it was was so fucking inadequate, she's sorry you had to be eulogized but someone who doesn't even know you well enough to remember your name, she's sorry for sorta being a voyeur, for pretending to try to understand who he was, she's so fucking sorry...

Asuka trembled, held her breath, waited. Her eyes were dry.

She was still sitting there when the announcements came on and

Oh. Damn. Damn him, he'd really gone and done it. Jerry had shot someone with her gun.

Who were you, Travis Lynch? Why, fucking why had you picked a fight with Jerry? She tried to picture the scene in her head, tried to imagine Travis, how he looked, who he was, but she already knew how this would go.

Sorry you're dead because of me. Sorry I feel more sad about the idea of your death, about the idea of a random, anonymous stranger paying the price for a stupid decision I made, than I am about the fact that you, whoever you are, are dead...

And so on. Minutes passed, or perhaps hours. Audrey showed up.

"Hey, so. Uh. Thought I would go on something of an adventure, seeing as we're pretty much in a haunted house. I'm sitting around and absorbing the aesthetic right now. Care to join?"

If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am
"Um. Okay."

But were they really on the same page? It'd be kinda anticlimactic if they were, if they had really understood each other so easily, because in what world could you figure out where somebody was coming from if you didn't know, like, really know, the person? Only really happened with soulmates, and Asuka didn't feel like Audrey was a soulmate. She didn't feel dreamy, didn't feel the kind of affirmation that made her blood rush and her thoughts race until her body was left far behind, a tiny speck in the distance that she was barely aware of. No. She could feel the sweat slowly drying on her arms, the blood seeping through her jeans. She was here, she was present. Which meant that she was alone-- at least, on an emotional level.

Oh, Asuka, you fucking emo. A true emo wouldn't care how emo they looked, though. She had a ways to go.

Asuka hated how conversations always seemed to dry up every time she tried to get to know someone, hated how she could never push herself through her awkwardness whenever the conversation started to dry up. All imagined, all in her head, because who gives a fuck about all that this point. But Asuka's stuck in her head. There's a good cosmic joke in there. Because hey, even if she dies alone and unfulfilled, she'll at least get to die a grandiosely pathetic death. Nihilism had a beauty all its own.

She didn't feel all that nihilistic, though, was the thing. She wasn't being crushed under despair and meaninglessness.

You're going to die alone, no one has or ever will understand you, you will never leave a notable mark on the world, and your life will have been devoid of meaning or fulfillment.


You can conceptualize that your life has meaning, but if you do not feel that meaning then your conceptualization is meaningless and you are nobody.

She tensed, waiting for chills to run up her spine, tears come to her eyes, pulse quicken, something. Anything. Still nothing. But she could do Ligotti one better.

You can conceptualize that your life is meaningless, but if you do not feel that meaninglessness then your conceptualization is meaningless and you are less than nobody.

Goddammit. Asuka knew she had no right to feel this way, no right to lament on her feelings when all around her people were dying and getting fucked up watching and hearing about their friends getting killed and killing but that's the thing, wasn't it? Asuka was jealous of them. She would do anything to be Alvaro, to be Scout or Penelope or Audrey, to be a something, a somebody, rather than an empty shell of nothing, barely there.

Asuka gripped her arms. Her grasp tightened, her fingernails biting into her skin.

She knew where this line of thought went, and the concerns were kinda different. But still. She'd be damned if she died alone. She'd be damned if she didn't at least feel sad when it came time for her to die alone.

((Asuka continued elsewhere))

Welcome To New V6 Staff
but volt's already on the staff

Welcome To New V6 Staff
Congrats, Czarina! Congrats, Empress!

wait so where are your spheres of influence we need to resolve this before it causes a world war

Mass Effect Mafia Sign Up Thread

bots are where it's at

Mass Effect Mafia Sign Up Thread
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa fuck my life

I'm male and can my first name be Zetsu or does it have to be my actual first name

The Mafia Waiting List
so, uh

who's going next? if no one else wants to, I can start mine

If That's Who I Am, Then I'll Fight Who I Am
"I mean, I guess I get it, but...uh..."

Silly of her to worry about it, but Asuka wasn't sure she actually got the joke. Was misanthropy the punchline? Or was it reverse-misanthropy?

For long seconds, she stared at Audrey's shoes. "Huzzah for us for being fucked up, I guess?"

Asuka didn't really know what to say past that. Audrey had sorta agreed, sorta disagreed with her, and she didn't feel articulate enough right now to defend her points. Not like she had anything better to say, though.

"I guess what I meant was, none of us are actually, like, evil or anything. We're fucked up, everybody's fucked up a little, but that's not reason to call down fire and brimstone and throw us in hell, cuz we're still decent, and we're fucked up, but it's good that we're fucked up, and then you have decent but fucked up people fucking other people up and it's beautiful cuz it's so fucked up, right? It's a right little tragedy. Bad things happen to good people because good people do bad things to good people."

The Mafia Waiting List
Brackie, Yugi, and I have games ready to go I think. I'm gonna hold off for now just cuz I'm not very sure on the balance and want to see a little more before I push the button on it.

The Mafia Waiting List
I think Brackie does, but not sure.

The Mafia Waiting List
Worm Mafia is ready

Aperture Science Mafia Fallout Thread.
I dunno, Paige, day 4 felt pretty reality-warping. For instance, I was obviously the one on crazy pills that day.

Aperture Science Mafia Fallout Thread.
@Vyse: I liked the game balance once I saw the setup in its entirety! I agree that the fourth test was wonky though. It was so absurdly scum-sided I could not think of a single reason town should submit a list.

Aperture Science Mafia Fallout Thread.
Also: *swipes crazy pills from Paige*

gonna need them for next time I draw scum

Aperture Science Mafia Fallout Thread.
Apr 6 2017, 02:55 AM
Oh right, forgot to congratulate Zetsu for literally catching both members of scum.
not like it mattered though ;-;

I felt like someone was gaslighting me that day. Is my perception of reality real? Was I on crazy pills? What if Paige actually *is* town? Then I modconfirmed that you can only send in one normal action a night, Paige confirmed that she sent two, and I knew I got her. And then I got lynched anyways because Paige told reality to shut up and pretended that the modconfirm wasn't one. Feels bad man.

Aperture Science Mafia Fallout Thread.
I'm not sure whether to strangle Paige or bow down to her in awe. We both know I caught you and proved it, even if I couldn't convince anyone else ;)


Not super happy with my own play, seeing as I was pretty much negative utility up until day 4, what with townreading Random and scumreading random townies. Urgh.

Posted Image

Aperture Science Mafia.

Aperture Science Mafia.
@Mod: Barring roles that specifically make an exception for that, that is.

Aperture Science Mafia.

@Mod: Regarding my previous question, can you send in two different actions (e.g. target me with cop, target Paige with doctor)?