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Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!
I completely agree with you, Doc. This was incredibly insightful - especially when I have vague, unhappy feelings about Baxter as a character and the conclusion to his story. This critique helped me nail down exactly why I was riding the bitter bus.

Also, pink? I'm offended.

Turtle Draws Things
Can you hit up Hansel, Turtle? :D

The Things We Lost in the Fire
((Hansel Williams, Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee))

Hansel walked, his gun pointed at the small of Claireís back, his bag slapping lightly against his hip as it held, slung over his shoulder. He moved them into the wooded area surrounding the golf course, keeping them covered and less exposed to the angry looking clouds that had taken form above their heads. His plan was being formed quickly and hastily, while he was riding the adrenaline of Kyleís death and Claireís capture. He needed to use this to his advantage, press it, and move forwards.

Remembering that there had been three people across where he had spent the night, he altered his course with a slight push at Claireís back, angling her so that she was heading towards the two figures.

They hadnít said a word since heíd directed her to pack up the kevlar and move out, and the tension was something he almost welcomed. He didnít need to speak or think about what heíd just done. All he needed to do now was work the angle, plan his responses, figure out his method.

They moved through the trees until he saw Aileen and Owen through them, and he pointed Claire towards them, pushing her forwards with the gun barrel.

Claire moved forwards, out of the treeline and onto the course. Hansel followed, the gun riding high on his shoulder, his movement stopping just free of the treeline, in case he needed to duck back out quickly.

ďStop there. Owen, Aileen, if you two donít want to witness a murder, youíll toss your bags at Claireís feet, and any supplies youíve picked up. Either of you b-breathes in a way I donít like, Iíll kill her first and you two nuh-next.Ē

The brim of his hat was low, hiding his eyes as he remained stationary, the FAMAS centered on Claireís neck. A drop of rain splashed against her skin, another hit Hanselís stetson, a third pattered into the treeline as the heavens opened up.

ďHop to it.Ē

Persy and Naft's Excellent Critique Adventure
Critique: Hansel Williams

Hello our dearest boo-boo-looboos, today we have the bestest treat for you all today. As per the norm, I am forever ThePinkVelveteen, the prettier one of this co-hosted program.

And Iím The Employed Moustache, as if you needed a reminder on who I was. Enough of this shit, letís get down to business.

Hansel is without a doubt the WORST (Best) character of V5. He does NOTHING but talk in a shitty (wonderful) fucking accent with a stupid cowboy hat, and whine and moan and complain all the GODDAMN time about how messed up his life is. I havenít read him, nor did I INTEND to read this bag of filth, until I was CONTRACTED to do this CRITIQUE by the POWERS THAT BE. If I had a MODICUM less of dignity and honor I would PRINT OUT HIS STORY and THROW IT IN THE FIRE.


How berry rude mr. employed sir esquire >:c. I for one think that Hansel is just the most delectable desirable character for anyone so blessed to be graced by his presence, as he rides in with a fervent passion held by no other, a narrative so rightfully accomplished and boastful, characterisation that strikes down those other plebeians who only exist to give him interaction and should be grateful for their lucky stars, a hat so well adorned it deserves itís own critique at some point, dialogue so witty and scrumdidlyumptious that I can feel myself growing faint just thinking about it. Oh my...that is turning out to be quite literal.

*fans self*


Disgusting.

When I was FORCING myself to read Hanselís first THREAD (the only THREAD that I read of any character, as any story should be able to be summarized in itís opening posts) I was DELIGHTED to note that he was SHOT at the end of it. I donít know what happened to this piece of shit after this thread, but I assume he bled out and DIED. Also, NotAFlyingToy is the WORST at writing weapons I have ever seen. He doesnít even say what kind of FAMAS heís holding, and doesnít even mention the trigger guard on most models. Also, if itís a left handed FAMAS, he wouldnít be able to SHOOT it correctly. Not once in this abomination that one would dare call a thread does he mention the FAMASí french origin, or the origin of the gun. All and all a WASTE OF SPACE.


How vulgar. You should learn to stay your tongue, you brute. Hanselís whole story, which I only unfortunately only have time to 96 times a day, is the most supercalifragilisticexpialidocious experience a young refined dandy such as yours so elegantly and wholesome truly myself may confirm that is finest, most perfect, delicious, tasteful, superb, magnificent, euphoric example of literature in any genre or language, to where I stand from the bell tower of Notre Dame and yell out itís every single word till I inevitably suffer from Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis and have to be stricken to, how you say, mental asylum. But no flimsy contorted topping can keep my heart down for the stupendous, gracious, seductive printed words that I made a handwritten copy of and keep in my back to bring me fail-proof fortuosity, to where I say ďGive up ye vagabond book writers, ye scallywag typists, ye vile surfs who dare, nay, attempt to say you are writers, for thou shall never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever reach the level of Honorificabilitudinitatibus that this man, this EMPEROR OF CHARACTERS, was molded and born for. At least, thatís the sparknotes version. Canít be rambling on about a character, unlike some people I know, I do have my dignity and professionalism to uphold.

Weíre apparently supposed to Ďquipí here, but thatís outside what my Agent told me Iíd be doing.

Quite right. The idea of joking for this gem is downright sinful, at best.

...I fucking hate you.

Love it when you talk filthy.

Favourite Quotes:
Velveteen:
[/color]
Quote:
 
Grunting, Hansel dipped downwards, placing his stetson back atop his head and scooping up the assault rifle with his good arm, flicking the safety back off before he was fully righted.

WORK THE SHAFT.


TEM:
Quote:
 
When an actual explosion did report from the gun, instinct had Hansel's legs twitching, throwing himself to the side and attempting to roll as something hit his left arm, jerking him to the side. His side-roll became a flop onto his back, the breath escaping him in a jarring woosh as he hit the ground and slid, his finger squeezing the trigger briefly.

I chose this quote because Hansel gets shot. This should happen more. Until he DIES.

Final Grades:
TEM: Gorilla
Velveteen: X4 Prestiged

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
((Actions by Claire are approved by Laurels.))

Hansel nodded as she complied, glancing down at the flashlight and bag.

ďTurn around.Ē

When she complied, he stooped to shoulder the bag and snag the flashlight - frowning at the weight of it - before slipping it into his front pocket. Holding the rifle back on her, he paused.

She was facing away from him, defenseless. Sheíd never see it coming, never feel pain. Just a quick squeeze of the trigger, and everything for her would go dark.

Everything.

Her eyes had been puffy and red, tracks from tears still down her cheeks, the sound of that echoing sob.

You could be wrong.

ďYouíre going to walk out of here ahead of me,Ē he said, slowly, ďin case you had any other friends lying in wait. Youíre going to kuh-Ē

He paused, swallowed. ďYouíre going to have your hands on your head, walk slowly, eyes on the ground. Run and I shoot you. Try to fight and I shoot you. Say anything - do anything - out of turn, and I shoot you.Ē

He should be shooting her now.

ďAny que-hehstions?Ē

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
ďDrop the flashlight and the bag,Ē came the response from behind hard eyes. Eyes that stared hard at the spot between the girlís eyes, right on the bridge of her nose.

Tear tracks still showed on her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy. She looked miserable, achy. Could he really do this? Was he really going to?

ďKick them over to me, and kuh-heep your hands where I can see them.Ē

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
Five. Six. Seven.

As he counted, Hansel moved. Movement helped keep the doubts at bay, helped keep his focus on the task at hand. He stepped slowly around the lounge, leaning to peek into doorways, his gun at the ready as his eyes cut through the semi-lit area.

When he reached ten, he stepped out onto the tennis courts, his gun swivelling around the open space, a frown of concentration fixed on his face.

His wandering took him out to the tennis courts as he passed fifteen, his footsteps less cautious as he found increasingly less signs of life. Maybe she slipped out the back, ducked away. That was a good outcome - it meant that he didnít have to do anything rash, he could go and pick up Kyleís stuff and get on out of here.

Just as he was about to say Ten seconds left, he heard a muffled thunk.

He froze, ears perked, eyes wildly trying to pin down the noise-

A sob.

Bathroom.

Hansel whirled towards the door, his shoulder aching as he brought the rifle to bear. He shifted his neck, adjusted his cheek against the barrel of the gun, grimacing tightly.

ďGet out here,Ē he called.

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
The sound of the gunshot registered more than the kick in his hands, a loud boom that reverberated through his mind, muffled by the determination, anger, and fear that drove him. Hansel didnít stop to reflect. He didnít wait for the guilt to consume him, or drop to his knees in anguish.

There had been two figures pushing the cart, and there was only one corpse.

Wheeling around to face the clubhouse door, rifle aimed towards it, Hansel approached carefully, stepping with the gun in firing position, nudging the door open with the toe of his boot, wincing at the loud creak of the door. He stood in the doorway, sweeping the interior of the clubhouse slowly, carefully.

Seemingly empty.

Hansel lowered the gun, stepping through the doorway, keeping his bootsteps quiet and measured. His eyes darted everywhere, taking in the lobby rapidly, absorbing nothing about it other than the lack of human activity.

Ghost town.

Hansel stopped moving, shifted the rifle on his shoulder, and took a risk.

ďI know youíre in here,Ē he intoned, at a volume slightly louder than speaking voice, ďand Iím going to give you thirty seconds to come out with your hands behind your head. I wonít kill you. If you duh-onít,Ē

Hansel swallowed, fighting against the shaking in his voice, biting the stutter back down. ďIf you donít, Iím going to start shootiní, and yíall will take your chance. Countdown starts now. Make your choice.Ē

Lifting his rifle to his cheek again, Hansel started counting.

The Resolution Thread 2014
Does anyone have any new years resolutions that they'd like to share?

A big one for me is to get serious about jogging/physical activity of any kind. It's nice to not huff and puff when walking up stairs - now let's see if I can get that up to actual running without huffing and puffing.

Merry Christmas SOTF!
WOO MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

General Goose's Evil Writing Lair (Now with Requests!)
A ghost, a Jew, and a republican walk into Mos Eisely Cantons.

Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!
DocBalance
Dec 23 2013, 03:47 AM
I'm pretty sure Hansel was? It might have been Baxter though. I'm pretty sure you were in the original. Who would you rather I critique? I'll just honor your spot with whichever one you'd prefer.
I'd prefer Baxter!

General Video Game Discussion Thread
My Pro (2005) died on me after a year, and I got a warranty on it for another Pro which died within 30 days. So I returned it to Wal Mart claiming I had bought it recently, and exchanged it for an Elite. That served me until it went with my brother to University for a party and came back gummed up with beer, so he got me a slim (around 2010/11)

I got another slim that wasn't the big hard drive kind with the purchase of my laptop, and sold that. Not to mention the dozen or so controllers and the nine or so headsets I've gone through.

TL;DR - Can confirm Microsoft's shittiness. My gameboy Advance SP still works like a boss. Final Fantasy Tactics Advance is fun.

Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!
I *think* Baxter or Hansel was in the original. No idea.

Persy and Naft's Excellent Critique Adventure
SONIC HEROESSSSS! (Because we're super fast)

Critique: Sophie McDowell

Today we have Sophie McDowell, as you can see by the big header above this sentence. To start off, Sophie didnít have the greatest start off, in more the one way. She sees David Russell, the boy who she went to prom with, jump off a cliff and die. While this made it a bit interesting, I feel it was a bit...coincidental. That goes without saying that thread is a gigantic clusterfuck where most of the characters had no place being there and didnít add anything good into it, besides Virgil and Michelle. The thread literally jumped off a cliff after a guy jumped off a cliff. Sorry, just had to get joke in there. Moving on to where things are actually okay, I think her companionship with Alex is decent. Theyíve got a good platonic relationship going, work well enough off each other to where I can enjoy the casual conversations, so not much to complain on yet besides that first thread. Before moving anymore forward, letís see Naftís opinion on her beginning.

Iím going to be a lot less lenient in terms of Sophieís beginning, mostly owed to the fact that I never really got the sense of traction. If you flip back through the few pages of critiques we have so far, one of the key things we look for is movement of story and development of character. To add on to Persyís point, I get one single thing from Sophie in her first three threads.

Sheís sad.

Not in a realistic, grounded way, either. Her narrative paints it in an over the top, soap opera-y way that comes across as making me roll my eyes rather than sympathise with her. Sheís sad when she wakes up, sheís sad when she meets up with Alex. I do like some parts of the Alex-and-Sophie bits, when we got to see her reaction to what Alex said, but as a lone character, Sophie is hard to read and hard to sympathise with, especially when she keeps making grand, dramatic statements that are very much Ďwoe is meí. As a character trait, this is fine. But the narrative very much treats it straight, rather than painting it as melodrama, and thatís what doesnít sit well with me.


Who feels strongly about characters now, hmmm Mr. Man? As you can tell, Naft has a much more vibrant opinion on Sophie then I do. I think this is because I have trouble actually feeling anything when I read her. I donít really get anything bad or anything good when I read her. Thereís nice things, not so nice things, but nothing that is exceptionally noteworthy or memorable. And then we have the 3 longest, wordiest threads in all of V5, and probably in all of SOTF. This isnít bad, per se. Itís just that they add nothing to her story and doesnít have anything to do their, so weíre put through this long haul that neither has build up or a resolution. Itís just something that happened we had to tread through. The big thing, if you canít see what Iím getting to, is that Sophie needs to be spread out and get some stable direction going.

Okay. I can find lots to harp on about Sophie that wouldnít be constructive, so Iím going to point out what I liked about her, and what really worked. In The Red Shoes, Laurels introduced an overarching narrative regarding shoe shopping with Sophie in the first post. I started to get intrigued, and got the sense of Ďwhere is Laurels going with this?í that always predates an interesting thematic element. Unfortunately, the overarching theme ended after the single post, resulting in it feeling like a minor waste of time and a moderate let down. Itís clear that Sophie has a voice, but that voice is weighted down by lots of inner-monologue asides, and questionable focus choices, and that voice is also too weak to carry a post-to-post approach to writing the character. When Alex offers to share a blanket with Sophie, Sophie makes an internal comment to the effect of ĎOh heís moving fast, tee heeí, but doesnít delve any further to her thoughts on the fact that he may be hitting on her. I feel like Sophieís focus is more on things that need no elaboration (why sheís sad about Dave dying) and less on things that could benefit from it (her more impulsive decisions (telling Gavin that everyone was telling jokes).

Now, saying all of that? Sophieís made progress - I feel like splitting off of the escape group was a solid move for her narrative, and gives her more room to find her stride and hit it. Sheís still relying heavily on those italicised asides that are hit or miss, but their importance fluctuates now, rather than being emphasised every single post. There are a lot of issues with Sophie, but I like seeing the attempt to steer the ship.

My three things to improve readability of Sophie are thus: ease off on the italics inner monologue, utilize theme and metaphor rather than statements of fact, and try to inject some overarching elements to her story, rather than taking it post by post and seeing how it goes.


Seriously, itís like backwards day in this bitch. WHERE WEíRE STILL MAKIN IT RAIN.

Totally. Or we would be if I hadnít paid off that security guard at the club.

This is why we canít have good Thursday afternoonís together.

Favourite Quotes:
Persy:
Quote:
 
"ALEX! LET'S GO!"

See, more of this. More short, but still strong emotions that are appropriate of the situation at hand. The capability and opportunities are there, you just gotta get after them.


Naft:
Quote:
 
"I guess anything's better than playing the game," Sophie said. "I don't want to give into that temptation at all. I'd rather stay indoors than do that."

Rather than pick a favourite quote, Iím highlighting this because itís a consistent theme with Sophie that playing the game, or deciding to play, is a constant niggle in the back of her mind. Itís something that Iíd love to see expanded on, as it borders on obsession - playing, the capability to play, and what makes a player are mentioned in nearly every single thread that Sophieís involved in.

Final Grades:
Naft:D-
Persy: C

General Video Game Discussion Thread
Yeah, I'm on my fifth I think. They're a pinnacle of console technology.

Ricky Does Countdowns!
X reasons why you should play Final Fantasy 6.

Persy and Naft's Excellent Critique Adventure
Who's gonna saaaave the wooooorld toniiiiight!?

Critique: Megan Emerson

Happy Holidays sotf~

Today we have Megan Emerson, kicking us off on our seasonal critiques. Now then, this character rubbed me the wrong way from the get go. As a person, anyway. Whether that be intentional or not, itís a part of her character that isnít fair at all for me to dig on, and should actually be seen as a positive thing, because writing is suppose to make you have a response, whether that be negative or positive. Still, I think itís really only her general personality that got me on the wrong foot, and at the very least she isnít just a bland snark machine. Letís talk about how she plays with the other children. We have her meeting Mirabella and Aria, two very unstable people where we get to see Megan play the straight man. When Aria ducks and jacks their shit, itís Megan who makes sure everything remains static and sane through all the zaniness of the world around her.


Something endears me to Megan - especially the fact that she clearly possesses the traits of a leader and the skills to back it up, but when encountered with any real leadership she shies away from it instinctually. In her first thread, sheís twice in a position to really seize the reigns of her relationship with Mirabella, and take charge, and she doesnít - waffling and asking for opinions, quietly doubting her own plans, and seemingly unwilling to really take the wheel in any significant way. I liked it; it made me believe her as a character.

Yeah, Megan messes up a lot because thatís just how she rolls. Itís nice, seeing the person taking charge making mistakes, itís human. I think something thatís an understated part of Megan is that she is really, really, shady. Like, she knows Mirabella is losing it, but knows that trying to deal with that directly is not going to fix anything. Fragile minds like that need time. Enter Francis. Now, I was totally on Francisí side during the whole ordeal hearing the first announcements. But again, I canít fault a character being who they are, so even when Iím flipping tables as I watched it go down, itís just who she is. Then she pushes him. The push isnít whatís disappointing. Itís what happens after. Iíll let Naft go on before I get whatís coming up off my chest.

Well, with that incredibly forboding leave off, Iíll keep on my thought process. Meganís interesting in that, to me, at the beginning, I was really enamoured by her leadership qualities without well and truly taking the reigns. However, the spurt of self doubt that has her rethink her entire game plan after Francis takes a bad tumble comes across as slightly forced and not as natural as it could be. I agree with the choice - though it seems to me that there was some heavy OOC motivations behind it, because itís sloppily done - but it just is a big hitch in terms of the consistency of Megan thus far. Also, I see youíre a fan of formatting changeups! Not my preference, but you donít make me want to scoop my eyes out with a spoon, which makes this very well done in my book.

And so we have Megan breaking her promise to Mirabella and running away to cry. Sounds a lot more pathetic when I put it like that, but itís the gist of it. And it was really soon, split-second even. Iíll even tack on with Naft and point at OCC being the reason for that, but, you know, I was looking forward to this seemingly bright chance of development, besides that. Here, we have her finally having to realize that there are gonna be consequences for her actions, that all her faults and bad decisions are gonna have some bite and are gonna come up to get her. And then she meets Gavin. And everything is okay again. This is my problem, and just to make it clear: She isnít affected by anything, or at least, not for more than a few hours of a day. Yeah, she contemplates what she did and what happened, but itís more of a reminder of what happened then something that contributes to her character. Itís like taking notes for a class and then not studying them which means you donít learn anything. I read up all the way till her current thread, even through the monstrous multi-shots, and I just get left with static. There were plenty of opportunities for it to happen as well, and thereís even good bits in the middle somewhere. I liked her meeting Mirabella again and having some kind of movement, but thatís not enough. Even with the Straight man and leadership parts arenít even a thing anymore, so not only is she not affected by her past, it seems like sheís just going along for the ride through her current story, like none of it matters, which is a big let down because thereís so much more crazy stuff for her to react to which would have been great. What Iím trying to get at is that there was potential here, it just didnít ever follow through.

Feel better?

No. Where the fuck is Donner, heís the designated driver...

Since Persy fairly covered the story elements that stick out to me from Megan, Iíll also add my two bits. Firstly, Persy feels much more strongly than I do regarding the decline of Megan, but I read it more or less as a handler somewhat losing interest in their kid - what with shorter and shorter posts coming forward from Megan, less and less content. I wonít bemoan the multishot, but I did enjoy Mirabellaís and Meganís collaboration post - collaborating on a single post is something that I love doing - though caution you slightly in its use in the future. Collabs should never be about fighting for control, and I did get that sense a few times. All in all, Meganís a great idea that I feel fell short of her potential, whether it be because of OOC reasons, a lack of interest in the character, or a multitude of other factors that affect a good roleplay over time. If nothing else, youíve proven with her that you can lay a good foundation for interesting development.

Ah, Donnerís here, you insolent lush. Letís get your drunk ass home.


I drink because...uhÖmerry...festivus...what day is it...
Favourite Quotes:
Naft
Quote:
 
Whatever Gavin was writing, he sure didn't want Megan to see it. Whatever secrets he had on there, though, was now on her mind. What could it be? She had to see it for herself.

Call it the Streisand Effect.

This is just a fun, lighthearted quote after a bunch of heavy plot stuff. I like it because it shakes up the rhythm.


Persy:
Quote:
 
"I fucked us up."

This is a nice quote because it shows all that potential I was talking about, and there was a ton there, and just gave me a more fair view on Megan.

Final Grades:
Persy: F+
Naft: C

New General SOTF Discussion Thread
As Archer,

LANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee
As the shots connected and the figure fell earthward, Hansel sprang to his feet, leaving the pack behind as he moved at a brisk walk, the FAMAS held up so that the ironsights framed the clubhouse doors. He thought he had seen movement, a door being flung open, but he couldnít be sure, didnít want to take the risk.

He had been beaten on this island. He had been forced to flee, to lie, to kill. He had been shot at, verbally taunted, rebuffed, sworn at. He bore the wounds of his classmates, the marks of their viciousness.

His stride took him to the side of the building, glancing around the corner at the still swinging door of the clubhouse, his eyes narrowing in thought. Without hesitation, he shifted around, the gun sweeping the doorway as he walked towards Kyle, his motions slow, careful, easy. There was no blood pooled below Kyle, no visible wounds, but he was sure he had been hit.

Hansel didnít take any chances. As he raised the FAMAS and pressed the muzzle squarely to the center of Kyleís forehead, he didnít flinch, didnít show expression, didnít hesitate.

Didnít meet the boyís eyes.