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Cassandra "Cass" Prince
Hey boogywoogy! I'll be the staffer critiquing Cass today.

Apologies for this taking so long, I was having some time constraints and wanted to make sure this was a good critique rather than a rushed one.

Cass is in fairly good shape, but is temporarily DENIED pending some adjustments. My critique is below, and my comments are in teal.

Quote:
 
Name: Cassandra "Cass" Prince
Gender: Genderfluid (biologically female)
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Painting, drawing, romance stories, biking

Appearance: Cass is a 5'7'', 130 lb person of African-American descent. They have black, thick, curly hair, which they keep cropped very short. They have a sharp-looking, angular face, with a cleopatra nose and round, brown eyes. When presenting as female, they wear a thin amount of makeup. (Could you describe their general body shape? Do they have any piercings? What about their complexion?)

In general, Cass tends to dress very androgynously. In warm weather, they usually dress in dark tank tops and shorts. In colder times, they typically wear men's button-down shirts with jeans. For footwear, Cass wears a well-worn pair of black sneakers, finding anything fancier both uncomfortable and impractical. They prefer suits to dresses for formal occasions. When presenting as male, they bind their breasts.

Biography: Zoe and Jake Prince, respectively the principal viola and trombone players of the New York Philharmonic Orchestra, first met each other through their work. Soon after, Zoe invited Jason out for drinks, and the two entered a long relationship together, getting married after a few years. On March 16, 1996, Cassandra Prince was born to the couple in a New York hospital. (Did their parents ever have any more kids, or is Cass an only child?)

Three years after Cass's birth, Zoe's mother Gabrielle fell severely ill. As her husband had passed away several years prior, she was unable to continue living unassisted on her own. To support her, Zoe and Jake moved in with her at her residence in Kingman. When Gabrielle succumbed to her illness after several years, Cass’s parents remained in the area, not wanting to uproot their child and having both found employment as music teachers at local schools.

Cass's childhood was ordinary, for the most part. When their parents were busy, Cass was often left in the care of Rachel Mason, the next door neighbor and close friend of Zoe and Jake. Rachel's daughter, Christine, was the same age as Cass, and the two became very close friends, considering themselves to be sisters. Once the two girls were old enough to begin their education, they were enrolled in the same school.

It was during their early education that Cass first discovered their affinity for art. This started when a simple assignment in art class to draw her favorite animal resulted in, to Cass's eyes, a sprawling epic that depicted the results of introducing a T-Rex into the ecosystem of Kingman. To her teacher, it was a crude, inappropriate piece of trash that merited a stern talking-to. (Why would a drawing of a T-Rex destroying Kingman elicit a stern talking-to from the teachers? Unless it depicts graphic violence, I doubt the teacher would need to talk to them about it as small children can be overly imaginative. If it was about the quality of the drawing, elementary school art teachers are supposed to be encouraging rather than overtly critical.)

Cass remained undeterred, and continued to draw on their own time, albeit with a slightly lesser amount of T-Rexes. (Funny and made me smile, but profiles are generally supposed to sound pretty dry.) Their parents were very supportive of them, making sure to always provide them with an equal amount of praise and constructive criticism, to gently nudge them into improving themself. (These last two paragraphs could be combined into one for readability, with a teensy bit of wording change in the first sentence of this paragraph.)

During their last year of middle school, Cass and Christine met and became friends with a new kid in their grade, Marco Korsman. Before too long, Christine and Marco started going out. This continued until their Sophomore year of high school, when the two broke up after a heated fight sparked by Christine accusing Marco of being emotionally distant. Not wanting their two best friends to remain angry at each other, Cass attempting (Typo, attempted) to make peace between the two. Unfortunately for Cass, all this accomplished was turning both of them against them, (No comma here.) as well.

Though Cass had always been a quiet person, losing their friends caused Cass to retreat even further into themself. Though they remained able to interact with others, Cass developed a crippling aversion to voicing their opinions to others. They became convinced that nothing good would ever come of them trying to persuade others, no longer having the confidence to even attempt to lead others. They have remained this way up to the present day, even after they reconciled with their friends a year later.

Even as a young child, Cass sometimes felt discomfort when describing themself as entirely female, a term that never seemed to exactly fit them. It wasn't until their first year of high school that Cass fully realized their genderfluidity, the cause behind their dysphoria. They felt greatly relieved to finally put a name to what they had been feeling for years. (How did they realize they were genderfluid? Right now you mention that they realized it but not so much the way that they did so. Did they talk to their parents about it and were brought to a psychologist? Did they read about it online? Did they accept this immediately or did they feel hesitation?) Cass decided to stop wearing their skirts and dresses, instead switching to an androgynous wardrobe that they felt suited them more. However, due to worry of their community's reaction, they are only out to their parents and closest friends. Everyone else knows them only as a girl named Cassandra, thinking “Cass” to be just a nickname. (How did their parent's react to this? Even supportive parents typically have a difficult time understanding these sorts of things. Were there any difficulties involved? How does Cass feel not being able to be honest about who they are? Is this causing any issues now, even if they are presenting differently? Are they any happier?)

Cass maintained their interest in art up through high school, continuing to hone their skills. They typically spent several hours a day either drawing or painting, finding both forms to be interesting in their own ways. Although Cass sometimes amused themself by drawing fan art of characters from shows they liked, along with various other random sketches, their true passion was painting scenes that told a story all by themselves, seemingly still frames from a grander work. Cass loved to subtly, painstakingly introduce details into a painting to reveal information about its subjects. They were able to successfully capture both technical details and evoke emotions.

Though Cass identifies as asexual, and has never been in a relationship, they consider themself to be a hopeless romantic. They adore the concept of two human beings meeting and coming to truly understand and love each other, and will tirelessly consume any media that satisfactorily conveys that theme, be it a book, movie, show, or game. (This paragraph could use a bit more detail. Perhaps elaborate on what they like about it, or maybe how they tried to write stories of their own. A listed hobby needs more than just two sentences.)

As a child, Cass often rode their bike around the suburb where they lived, traveling to the nearby stores in order to procure snacks. As they grew older, Cass continued to ride, but more for its own sake. They needed the exercise, and enjoyed the opportunity to get outside, listen to their music, and think as they rode. (This paragraph should go earlier in the biography, as profiles are supposed to maintain a sense of chronological order. Additionally, this paragraph could use a bit more detail, just like the one above. Perhaps elaborate more on those things that they like about riding their bike. A listed hobby needs more than just three sentences.)

Throughout high school, Cass consistently got high grades, due to constant study and effort. Socially, they keep a very small and very close circle of friends. Cass is otherwise still perfectly able to interact with other students, but is usually too anxious to truly express themself. After graduation, they intend to apply for the best-regarded liberal arts college they can get accepted into.

Advantages: Due to their issues with expressing their opinion, Cass would function well in a group, and likely avoid causing any conflicts. They are highly analytical and detail-focused with their art, which has also influenced the way they look at the world. They are healthy and in shape due to years of biking.
Disadvantages: Cass has self-worth issues, and would thus lack the required confidence to be an effective leader. Their withdrawnness would make it difficult for them to forge effective connections on-island. (Cass could use another disadvantage here, to help even things out.)


So overall, the big thing that Cass needs in general is more detail to flesh her out. Right now we don't really know much about her other than her personal issues. How does she see the world, for instance? How does she generally behave? Etc.

In any case, post here when you have the edits made and I will help you in round two. :)

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Quote:
 
1. Maddie/NAFT


Kayo.

I'm Amumu.

My two abilities are despair and tantrum. Despair is essentially a PGO shot except instead of the target dying they have to type a :'( face in every single post of theirs the following day phase. I haven't actually used despair yet because it's only got a limited number of shots and I was saving it. I can easily use it tonight, though, and if anyone wants to target me to test it I'll be confirmed.

Tantrum, from my understanding at least, randomly causes the abilities of the person I target to activate. I haven't used it either yet because I can only see it causing more harm for town than good.

So, yeah, there you go.

Alessio Rigano
There are still some minor grammatical issues present in the profile, admittedly, but

APPROVED

I figure that's not enough to delay you any more, at least for now.

Happy roleplaying!

Alessio Rigano
Better still! But still needs some more.

Quote:
 
Name: Alessio Rigano
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 11
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Cats, Speed cubing, Playing the tuba, Rock music, Robotics, Video games

Appearance: Al is 5'4" tall and weighs 134 pounds. He has curly, black hair that reaches chin length. When he forgets to shave, stubble can be seen on his chin. Above his brown eyes he has thick, black eyebrows. His skin is an even olive colour due to his italian heritage with a bit of a tan as a result of spending time outside with his cats. His arms are hairy and somewhat muscular from uncommon workouts, and have some scars from incidents with his cats. He is short in physique and has fat stored around his waist, appearing neither athletic or muscular. Al's face is full and his nose is average-sized. His lips are full and often dry.

Al usually wears hoodies and checkered button-up shirts and jeans. When abducted, Alessio wore a grey t-shirt underneath a white hoodie covered in his cats' fur along with a pair of blue jeans and red chucks.

Biography: Alessio Rigano, or for short Al, was born to Mauro and Jennifer Rigano in Bullhead City, Arizona. As the sole child of the married couple, his loving family gave him much attention and care. Mauro works as a pilot, while Jennifer works as a dentist. As Mauro is not at home as much as Jennifer, she was the one who primarily upbrought Al when he was a child. That led to Alessio disliking his mother more than his father, who did not seem as strict to him, in comparison to his mother, who often nagged at him. He enjoyed it when his father was at home as they often played games, like chess, together.

The Riganos lived in an apartment in Bullhead City. Mauro and Jennifer owned two cats, Massimo and Michelle. Al was fond of the cats as a child, being fascinated by them. Most of his childhood he often played with the cats in the house and outside, while his mother supervised him. Over the years Al became not only interested in cats, but also in other animals he viewed as cute and adorable, like bunnies or hamsters. After visiting a shelter for the first time, he began to think about getting a job with animals. Al decided to adopt two more cats as a teenager, after he begged his parents, so he could take care of more pets.

When his family visited his aunt in Italy during summer vacation, she gave him a rubik's cube to play with as a gift. Throughout the vacation, when being bored at the house of the aunt or being bored while sitting in the car, Al spent much time trying to solve the cube, but did not manage to do so. Eventually, when he got home he googled how to solve the cube and soon managed to solve the cube with the help of the guide and the given algorithms. As he stumbled through the internet, he found videos of speedcubers and was fascinated by them. He eventually tried to speed cube as well, but neglected doing it after dealing more with school or video games. Still, Al usually takes a rubik's cube with him to school or on occasions like travelling or hospital visits to avoid boredom.

In Al's free time, aside from playing with the cat or with the rubik's cube, he liked to surf on the internet to watch videos or to play flash games. His parents prevented him from buying the video games he wanted when he was younger, because they wanted to save money and didn't want their son to get addicted to them. At first Alessio was annoyed by that, but as he grew up he lived with it. When Alessio became a teenager he discussed with his parents about the issue and eventually Alessio convinced them to allow him to buy some video games. Alessio adopted the habit of his parents saving money, so he often played cheap or old video games, instead of newer, expensive ones.

While Alessio was going through old records that belonged to his father, Alessio found an interest in classical rock and roll songs that aren't played on the radio "and" are no longer popular. He asked his dad to lend him the records and this resulted in him listening to classic rock in his free time. Alessio got more interested in music, preferring any subgenre of rock. He often hums tunes out of habit and when he is distracted or thinks that he's alone. With his deeper interest in music he tried to play the guitar and the piano, but failed and gave up.

When Al was attending the seventh grade, Mauro, who formerly worked at Laughlin/Bullhead International Airport, started working at the Kingman Airport. As a result, Mauro and Jennifer wanted to move to Kingman so that Mauro could get to his is workplace more easily, but decided to wait for Al to finish middle school before moving to Kingman.

Because of the move, Alessio started high school in a new city. As he was new to the school, he was lonely at first. Despite being a shy person, he tried to act friendly to other classmates and soon got along with the others. Alessio was still interested in music, despite the failed attempts at learning an instrument, and soon decided to sign up for the school orchestra to play the tuba there. While his parents were skeptical about that, because they thought he wouldn't manage to keep up with the responsibility, he convinced them by promising them to practise the tuba daily. This lead to him excelling in playing the tuba, although he would not admit that. He also considered joining a bigger orchestra after graduating, because he had fun playing the tuba. He was proud of having learned how to play the instrument, but was concerned about unlearning "forgetting how" to play the tuba.

Alessio's doing average in school, getting usually Bs and Cs. The only subjects where he achieves As in are P.E. and biology. In P.E. he tried to be ambitious and attempted training to become more athletic and tried to train outside of the school, but constantly lost motivation. In Biology he succeeded because the subject interested him, as he wanted a future job as a veterinarian. In other subjects Al's participation is sparse, just actively participating when he knows the right answer. When he does not know, he usually just pays attention, without partaking much.

Alessio was "is" not an outgoing person as he usually liked likes to spend his time with himself. When he was a sophomore, he decided to join the robotics club partially because it seemed interesting and partially because he wanted to socialize more, as he saw that as a chance to make more friends. After visiting the club several times out of curiosity, he learned how to handle robots from the others. He needed help from the other members when he joined at first and while improving, "as" he did not excel in robotics. Much to his chargin, (typo, chagrin) he still needs support from the others to date and fears himself to be burden to the others "them". As he found the members of the robotics club sympathetic (I think that you mean a different word here, since sympathetic doesn't really fit in this context, perhaps "relatable"?) and friendly, "and" he hoped to get a closer connection with the other members and stayed "stay" in the club.

Al is friendly towards other people, but he is however, shy. Alessio is not an outgoing guy, usually interacting with those around him very little. Aside from the robotics club, he tried to have good connections to other people from his school to avoid being alone during recess. (High schools don't really have recess in the typical sense, and this is somewhat contradictory to the previous sentence. Perhaps instead rephrase this sentence to something along the lines of "Aside from the robotics club, he tried to keep good connections to the other people from his school so whenever he did want to talk to others he could do so."?) Due to his interest in rock music, he also often visits music events and is a fan and supporter of the school bands. He likes to cheer for the musicians "and" giving "give" them compliments. He generally also looks up to a lot of people who have achieved accomplishments that "have" amazed him and shows this by acting polite and friendly towards them. But he is delivering this rather shy, with his habit of avoiding eye contact with other people. (This sentence is somewhat unnecessary.) Yet, he is not selective about who to hang out with, not choosing popular classmates over unpopular ones during recess or in group projects during class "to spend time with". Outside of the school, he barely interacted "interacts" with other people in his free time. As a result, he had more school friends and acquaintances than friends outside of school to hang out with.

Advantages: Alessio is generally a very friendly person and has a reputation as such, which could help him gain allies. While not being athletic, he could be considered stronger than average due to his training.
Disadvantages: Alessio's a shy person which might lead to weak communication with allies. Besides, he does not own a big self-consciousness, which could lead to him doubting his chances to survive. (Alright! I see where you're going with this one and how it connects to the profile, but it could be phrased and connected a bit better. Perhaps change it to "Alessio also lacks self-confidence and ambition, which could lead to him giving up early on the island.")


Looking good overall! After this one you might be done! At worst you'll just need one last go around for grammar and then you'll be good to go!

Alessio Rigano
Alessio is looking better! But he still has some things that need fixing.

Quote:
 
Name: Alessio Rigano
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 11
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Cats, Speed cubing, Playing the tuba, Rock music, Robotics, Video games

Appearance: Al is 5'4" tall and weighs 134 pounds. He has curly, black hair that reaches chin length. When he forgets to shave, stubble can be seen on his chin. Above his brown eyes he has thick, black eyebrows. His skin is an even olive colour due to his italian heritage with a bit of a tan as a result of spending time outside with his cats. His arms are hairy and somewhat muscular from uncommon workouts, and have some scars from incidents with his cats. He is short in physique and has fat stored around his waist, appearing neither athletic or muscular. Al's face is full and his nose is average-sized. His lips are full and often dry.

Al usually wears hoodies and checkered button-up shirts and jeans. When abducted, Alessio wore a grey t-shirt underneath a white hoodie, (Go ahead and get rid of the comma here.) covered in his cats' fur along with a pair of blue jeans and red chucks.

Biography: Alessio Rigano, or for short Al, was born to Mauro and Jennifer Rigano in Bullhead City, Arizona. As the sole child of the married couple, his loving family gave him much attention and care. Mauro works as a pilot, while Jennifer works as a dentist. As Mauro is not as much at home "not at home as much" as Jennifer, she was the one who primarly (typo, primarily) upbrought Al when he was a child. That led to Alessio disliking his mother more than his father, who did not seem as strict to him, in comparision (typo, comparison) to his mother, who often nagged at him. He enjoyed it, (No comma here.) when his father was at home, (No comma here.) as they often played games, like chess, together.

The Riganos lived in an apartment in Bullhead City. Mauro and Jennifer owned two cats, Massimo and Michelle. Al was fond of the cats as a child, being fascinated by them. Most of his childhood he often played with the cats in the house and outside, when "while" his mother supervised him. Over the years Al became not only interested in cats, but also in other animals he viewed as cute and adorable, like bunnies or hamsters. After visiting a shelter for the first time, he began to think about getting a job with animals. Al decided to adopt two more cats as a teenager, after he begged his parents, so he could take care of more pets. (Better, and given that his parents both have very high paying professions, reasonable enough.)

When his family visited his aunt in Italy during summer vacation, she gave him a rubik's cube to play with as a gift. Throughout the vacation, when being bored at the house of the aunt or being bored while sitting in the car, Al trying (Ahh I accidentally strikethroughed a bit too much in my first post, re-add the "spent much time" before the "trying") to solve the cube, but did not manage to do so. Eventually, when he got home he googled how to solve the cube and soon managed to solve the cube with the help of the guide and the given algorithms. As he stumbled through the internet, he found videos of speedcubers and was fascinated by them. He eventually tried to speed cube as well, but neglected doing it after dealing more with school or video games. Still, Al usually takes a rubik's cube with him to school or on occasions like travelling or hospital visits to avoid boredom.

In Al's free time, aside from playing with the cat or with the rubik's cube, he liked to surf on the internet to watch videos or to play flash games. His parents prevented him from buying the video games he wanted when he was younger, because they wanted to save money and didn't want their son to get addicted to them. At first Alessio was annoyed about "by" that, but as he grew up, (No comma here) he lived with it. When Alessio became a teenager he discussed with his parents about the issue and eventually Alessio convinced them to allow him to buy some video games. Alessio adopted the habit of his parents saving money, so he often played cheap or old video games, instead of newer, expensive ones.

While Alessio was going through old records that belonged to his father, Alessio found an interest in classical rock and roll songs that aren't played on the radio "and" are no longer popular. He asked his dad to lend him the records and this resulted in him listening to classic rock in his free time. Alessio got more interested in music, preferring any subgenre of rock. He often hums tunes out of habit, (No comma here) and when he is distracted or thinks that he's alone. With his deeper interest in music he tried to play the guitar and the piano, but failed and gave up.

When Al was attending the seventh grade, Mauro, who formally (typo, formerly) worked at Laughlin/Bullhead International Airport, started working at the Kingman Airport. As a result, Mauro and Jennifer wanted to move to Kingman so that Mauro could get to his is workplace more easily, but decided to wait for Al to finish middle school before moving to Kingman.

Because of the move, Alessio started high school in a new city. As he was new to the school, he was lonely at first. Despite being a shy person, he tried to act friendly to other classmates and soon got along with the others. Alessio was still interested in music, despite the failed attempts at learning an instrument, and soon decided to sign up for the school orchestra to play the tuba there. While his parents were skeptical about that, because they thought he wouldn't manage to do it (Perhaps say "keep up with the responsibility" here instead of "do it", to be more specific?), he convinced them by promising them to practise the tuba daily. This lead to him excelling in playing the tuba. He also considered to join "joining" a bigger orchestra after graduating. (Why exactly? Was it because of his love or talent for playing the tuba? Elaborate a bit if you can.)

Alessio's doing average in school, getting usually Bs and Cs. The only subjects where he achieved "achieves" As "in" are P.E. and biology. In P.E. he tried to be ambitious and attempted training to train (Having another "train" right after saying "training" is a bit awkward. Perhaps instead of saying "train his body" say "gain more endurance" or "become more athletic" or something to that effect.) his body and tried to train outside of the school, but constantly lost motivation. Biology also interested him, as a future job in medicine appealed to him, for one as the medical field has secure occupations but also because he planned to become a veterinarian. (Now that I look at it this last sentence needs to be rephrased to flow with the paragraph more easily, perhaps change it to "In Biology he succeeded because the subject interested him, as he wanted a future job as a veterinarian.")

He "Alessio" was not an outgoing person, but "as he" usually liked to spend his time with himself. When he was a sophomore, he decided to join the robotics club partially because it seemed interesting and partially because he wanted to socialize more, as he saw that as a chance to make more friends. (I didn't quite catch this before, but you need to go into more detail as to why Alessio joined the Robotics club/liked Robotics, since it's in his hobbies and interests. What specifically about the subject interested him?)

Al is friendly towards other people, but he is however, shy. Alessio is not a talkative guy, usually talking very little. (Perhaps say "outgoing" instead of "talkative", and change "talking very little" to "interacting with those around him") Aside from the robotics club, he tried to have good connections to other people from his school. (Why exactly? After all, you just said he's shy.) Outside of the school, he barely interacted with other people in his free time. As a result, he had more school friends and acquaintances than friends outside of school to hang out with.

After finishing school, Al wants to become a veterinarian in the future. He is also considering to apply for a college to study biology as a major and physics as a minor. (Now that I think about it, go ahead and delete these sentences since they are somewhat unnecessary/extraneous.)

Advantages: Alessio is generally a very friendly person and has a reputation as such (Elaborate more on why he has a reputation as being friendly in the paragraph that talks about his interactions with others, as this advantage seems out of place otherwise.), which could help him to gain allies. While not being athletic, he could be considered strong "stronger" (Missed that before.) than average due to his training.
Disadvantages: Alessio's a shy person which might lead to weak communication with allies. Besides, his ambition often is weak, which could lead to him giving up on plans. (This new disadvantage is not really much better, as it isn't really one that's relevant to island time. Unfortunately I don't have much of a better idea, so it's your call on what to change it to.)

Once you get done, just post a reply here.

Alessio Rigano
Hey RC! I'm going to be the staffer critiquing Alessio for you.

Unfortunately, Alessio is DENIED pending revisions.

My comments and revisions are in teal. Anything that is in strikethrough I want you to delete and anything in "quotes" I want you to add in, both mostly in regards to grammar.

Quote:
 
Name: Alessio Rigano
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 11
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Cats, Rubik's cube, Playing the tuba, Rock music, Robotics

Appearance: Al is 5'4" tall and weighs 134 pounds. He has curly, black hair that reaches chin length. When he forgets to shave, a stubble can be seen on his chin. Above his brown eyes he has thick, black eyebrows. His skin is evenly olive-skinned "an even olive color" due to his italian heritage with a bit "of a" tan as a result of spending much time outside with his cats. His arms have some scars from his cats and they are relatively hairy, but also have some muscles due to his irregular attempted trainings (This sentence is a bit confusingly worded, perhaps instead have it say: "His arms are hairy and somewhat muscular from uncommon workouts, and have some scars from incidents with his cats".). He is small in physique (Small in what way? Al is short but given his near overweight BMI he wouldn't appear that small.) and has fat stored around his waist, appearing neither athletic nor (or rather than nor is fine, since you just said "neither") muscular. His limbs are still lean (I don't think his limbs would be lean when he's nearly overweight, since fat distributes evenly around the body, go ahead and drop this descriptor). Al's face is full and his nose is average-sized. His lips are full and often dry.

Al usually wears hoodies or "and" checkered button-up shirts and jeans. When abducted Alessio wore a white hoodie, where one can see some hair of his cats. He also wears blue jeans and red chucks. (These last two sentences would flow better as one, perhaps combine them to be "When abducted, Alessio wore a white hoodie covered in his cats' fur along with a pair of blue jeans and red chucks." Additionally, what shirt was he wearing underneath the hoodie?)

Biography: Alessio Rigano, "or for" short Al, was born to Mauro and Jennifer Rigano in Bullhead City, Arizona. As the sole child of the married couple, his loving family gave him much attention and care. (What are his parent's occupations? This profile isn't about Al's parents and you mention that his father is a pilot later on, but this information should be included.)

The Riganos lived in a cheap apartment (Apartments that allow pets are typically more costly than most, and since Al's father is a pilot and pilots make an average of a good 100,000 USD a year, they would probably not need to live in a cheap apartment in the first place.) in Bullhead City. Mauro and Jennifer owned two cats, Massimo and Michelle, to prevent mice problems (Going back to the apartment thing, while mice problems in apartments are an issue, they are usually not an issue in decent to good quality apartments, which Al's parents would more realistically live in. Additionally, you mention a few sentences later that they live in a house, to fix the problem with the living issue and the mice and that later contradiction, simply state they live in a house and drop the mice issue altogether.) , thus Al grew up with those cats (Extraneous information given the following sentence.). Al was fond of the cats as a child, being fascinated by them. Most of his childhood he often played with the cats in the house and outside, when his parents supervised him. Over the years Al was "became" not only interested in cats, but also in other animals he viewed as cute and adorable, like bunnies or hamsters. Al decided to adopt four more cats from shelter as a teenager as well (Was there a reason that he adopted these cats? Did Massimo and Michelle die, as they were likely getting old? Additionally, would his parents really allow him to get four cats? One cat is an expensive responsibility just by itself.) He was not an outgoing person, but usually liked to spend his time with himself. (This last sentence should go later on in the bio, when you're talking about Al making friends.)

When his family visited his aunt in Italy during summer vacation, she gave him a rubik's cube to play with as a gift. Throughout the vaction, (typo, vacation) when being bored at the house of the aunt or being bored while sitting in the car, Al spent much time to try "trying" to solve the cube, but did not manage to do so. Eventually, when he got home he googled how to solve the cube. (Combine these two sentences with an "and") He soon managed to solve the cube with the help of the guide and the given algorithms. As he stumbled through the internet, he found videos of speedcubers and was fascinated by them. He eventually had a phase where he tried to speed cube as well. (I think listing the "speed cubing" as a hobby would be better than simply "rubick's cube", as something mindless that you do to avoid boredom isn't really a hobby. If you end up changing this, make sure it wasn't so much a phase but something he really tried to get good at.) Al usually took a rubik's cube with him, (No comma here.) on occasions like travelling or hospital visits to avoid boredom.

In Al's free time, aside from playing with the cat or with the rubik's cube, he liked to surf on the internet to watch videos or to play flash games. His parents prevented him from buying the video games he wanted when he was younger, because they wanted to save money and they didn't want their son to get addicted to them. At first Alessio was annoyed about that, but as he grew up, he lived with it. When Alessio became a teenager he began discussing "discussed" with his parents about that "the" issue and eventually Alessio could convince "convinced" them to allow him to buy some video games. Alessio adapted "adopted" the habit of his parents to save "saving" money, so he often played cheap or old video games, instead of popular ("newer" here, since it goes in line with the "old" descriptor and because popular video games are not necessarily more expensive, additionally, if Alessio enjoys playing video games and you spent an entire paragraph talking about it, go ahead and add video games to his hobbies and interests), expensive ones.

While discovering old records of his father (This is a bit awkwardly worded, perhaps instead say "While Alessio was going through old records that belonged to his father" instead?), Alessio found his "an" interest of "in" classical rock and roll songs that aren't played in "on" the radio or popularized "and are no longer popular". He asked his dad to lend "him" the records. (Combine these two sentences with an "and") This resulted in him listening to classic rock in his free time. Alessio got more interested in music, preferring any subgenre of rock. This is also noticeable by his classmates as he often hums tunes as "out of" habit, "and" when he "is distracted or" feels "thinks that he's" alone or distracted. With his deeper interest in music he tried to play the guitar and the piano, but failed "and" giving it "gave" up. His parents weren't happy about that, as they paid the guitar. (This last sentence is a bit extraneous since it doesn't amount to anything, delete it.)

When Al was attending the seventh grade, the pilot (Go ahead and mention that Mauro is a pilot in the opening paragraph of the biography like I said earlier and delete "the pilot" here.) Mauro started working at the Kingman Airport (Where was he working before? I imagine that it was the Laughlin/Bullhead International Airport given that it is near Bullhead, but this should be mentioned). As a result, Mauro and Jennifer waited Al to finish middle school to move to Kingman. That way Mauro could get to his working place more easily. (These last two sentences are somewhat awkwardly worded, perhaps instead say "As a result, Mauro and Jennifer wanted to move to Kingman so that Mauro could get to his is workplace more easily, but decided to wait for Al to finish middle school before moving to Kingman.")

"Because of the move," Alessio therefore started high school in a new city. As he was new to the school, he was lonely at first. But despite being a shy person, he tried to act friendly to other classmates and soon got along with the others. Alessio was still interested in music, despite the failed attempts at learning an instrument, and soon decided to sign up for the school orchestra to play the tuba there. While his parents were skeptical about that, because they thought he wouldn't manage to do it, he convinced them by promising them to exercise "practice" the tuba daily. This lead to him excelling in playing the tuba.

Alessio's doing average in school, getting usually Bs and Cs. The only subjects where he achieved As are P.E. and biology. In P.E. he tried to be ambigious (I'm not really sure what word you are trying to use here, but it isn't ambiguous. Perhaps you meant "athletic"?) and attempted training "to train" his body and tried to train out "outside" of the school, but constantly loses "lost" motivation when the exam phase came. (If he only lost motivation when exams came around, he's still be fairly physically fit. Perhaps simply say he lost motivation and delete the "when the exam phase came") Biology also interested him, as a future job with "in" medicine appealed to him, for one as it seemed like a secure job "the medical field has secure occupations" but also because he planned to become a veterinarian.

When he was a sophomore, he even decided to join the robotics club partially because it seemed interested "interesting" and partially because he wanted to socialize more, because the people of Kingman seemed very sympathetic to him. (I'm not really sure how the people of Kingman would be more sympathetic than any other group of people, perhaps change it to "because he wanted to make more friends" or something similar? Your call.)

Al is friendly towards other people, he however is "but he is however," shy. Alessio is not a talkative guy, usually talking not too much "very little". Aside from the robotics club, he tries "tried" to have good connections to other people from his school. But outside of the school, he barely meets "interacted with" other people in his free time. So, "As a result," he has "had" more school friends or "and" acquaintances than real friends to hang out with. (This last sentence is a bit problematic, as most people would consider school friends to be real friends. Perhaps change "real friends" to "friends outside of school")

After finishing school, Al wants to become a veterinarian in the future. Alessio "He is" also considers "considering" joining a bigger orchestra. (Joining a bigger orchestra as a career option? I'm a bit confused.) (Additionally, is there any university that he is looking at in particular?)

Advantages: Alessio is generally a very friendly person and has a reputation as such, which could help him to gain allies. While not being athletic, he could be considered strong "than average" due to his training.
Disadvantages: Alessio's a shy person which might lead to weak communication with allies. Besides, he has not many strong connections with other people from his school. (What about the robotics club and his attempt to make more friends at his school? This last disadvantage feels like a cop out to me. Try to come up with another.)


Admittedly I didn't cover all of the grammatical errors, as they usually came with content issues that need to be fixed first. Post here when you have all the edits made and I'll come back to help you in round two. :)

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Frogue
Apr 26 2015, 08:14 AM
@VT: In #267 Yugi seems to say that it's an either/or thing with BP/taunt. He has to sacrifice taunting to be bulletproof. Also, if Vyse attacked Yugi but he didn't die due to being BP, would it even show up in the fluff?
Ah I missed that (and it wouldn't show up in the fluff).

Hrm.

I still don't feel good about the Yugi lynch, but I could be convinced.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Frogue
Apr 26 2015, 08:10 AM
@All - are drinking buddies always the same alignment?
Masons (as I am pretty sure the "drinking buddies" role is just a different name for Masons) in this case are _always_ the same alignment, and you rarely if ever see scum masons. Masons of a different alignment are considered super bastard and you never see them outside of explicitly bastard games.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Hrm.

I buy the claim from Toben, because it would be really easy to counter-claim that one since Jax and Gragas are drinking buddies in lore and Gragas being described as a "drinking buddy" confirms that Jax is in the game.

As for the train on Yugi and Toben's comments, I think that Yugi's BP would've protected him provided he targeted Vyse last night phase. Overall I think that Yugi's plan sounded more like a poorly thought out town plan than anything else.

Still trying to figure out who's scum in this game and who's not, presently. Other than NAFT I don't really have any scum reads and the NAFT read is just general suspicion more than anything. I'm going to go through the thread again when I have time and start pointing fingers.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Frogue
Apr 23 2015, 02:02 PM
Voting boogie isn't a great plan. He's yet to post like, any content, so unforeseen postburst notwithstanding is prolly gonna be modkilled anyway.
Yeah this.

In any case wow a lot happened when I was working on and off on college stuff and not really paying attention.

With the cop claim I'd advise anyone who can help Bowser stay alive or at least figure out who his killer is after the fact to do so.

Other than that there's not much I can say. No one is screaming "lynch me!" to me like people were screaming "force choke me!" in Star Wars Mafia when I was the vig. I'll stick around to the end of the phase and if anyone manages to convince me to go for a particular lynch or put suspicion on themselves I'll pop back in.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Quote:
 
Turtle, what about Toben and my play has alarm bells ringing? So far, you've just soft-pushed based on player past, which is valid but not especially useful for this particular game.


For Toben, absolutely nothing. I always hard read Toben as town and trust him instinctually, which is an issue since Toben can be really sneaky when he wants to be and I always fall for it unless I'm convinced he's scum.

For you, you're doing exactly what you always do in every game regardless of alignment, which makes me uncomfortable because it's really hard to get a proper read on you.

In both cases, I cannot be even remotely sure of your alignments the majority of the time (star wars mafia is an exception for you) so I have to assume you're scum in order to prevent you guys from pulling the wool over my eyes.

I'm not expecting anything to actually come out of it, so I wouldn't call it a "soft push" moreso just reminding everyone (and myself) to keep an especially close eye on you two.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
Quote:
 
@Turtle, Frogue, Bowser: Why did Doc die? What about him made the mafia suspicious?


Why me/them specifically?

If I had to guess, I'd say that they just targeted him because he was one of the big town talkers and then incidentally got the doctor.

As for Vyse's claim, I'm satisfied and I like his suggested course of action. He's confirmed since his claim is easily testable, at least in my books.

Toben and NAFT still on the table of not trusting until they're confirmed townies though.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
UNVOTE

Just to clear this up now: to everyone who's telling me to speak more, I have a really tough time keeping up with D1 mafia because of how quickly it moves, because of this I usually take a back seat and observe and see how everyone's behaving, prodding when I think someone's onto something or when I see a contradiction. This is consistent among all of my games except PR mafia, regardless of whether I'm town or scum.

Obviously the biggest point of contention right now is the matter over Vyse and his potential roleclaim. In all honesty... I don't understand the point of it. Everyone has been laying out possibilities but there's no way to tell one way or another unless Vyse actually claims.

Vyse: I trust your motives on gut right now, and I do believe that you are acting in town's benefit even if you are doing it in a rather... questionable way, like you did in the V4 mafia, BUT I sorta want you to just claim now because I know how SOTF plays mafia and I can only see this phase either ending in you getting lynched or in absolutely nothing happening due to everyone spit-balling about the nature of what you're doing.

As for reads on what I've seen so far:

Town:

Vyse: As I stated above, this is mostly gut but this seems to me like what Vyse was doing in the V4 mafia, in which he turned out to be town.

Bikirikitiki: I like what he's doing so far, plain and simple.

Leaning Town:

DuckyB: He's being somewhat helpful so far, although his behavior is a little bit off how he normally plays as town, so this one is questionable.

Null:

Everyone else.

Scum:

Toben/MW and NAFT: I know better than to trust these two, so I will consider them to be mafia until proven otherwise.

League of Legends Mafia Game Thread
VOTE: NotAFlyingToy

For nearly dying and making me worry about you. :'(

Also for being scum even when you're town. Lynch all NAFTs.

Also,

Mod: Could we get a player list in the OP?

League of Legends Mafia! (sign-ups)
Confirmatory.