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Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Boop boop it's a Alice Baker Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

Alice is tired of this shit. Somehow she manages to attract all the dickish and unintentionally dickish people in the school to flock around her, and she cannot deal with it. I like the cumulative weight you have getting put upon Alice, in a way that clearly shows her waxing patience due to having to put up with people. She has a great sense of continuity because of that, and you're tying her story together quite well overall, especially because she gets some chunks of breaks between certain encounters. This may not seem like a big deal, but because pre-game is a little looser and more experimental than the main game it's easy to not build good continuity habits and I think you're laying a clear base with Alice that you'll be able to scaffold naturally into her main game.

THE DRAGGING

My main issue with Alice so far is that I feel like her interests are relatively untouched. You've been putting her into a lot of social threads with strangers, and I appreciate that from a character stretching stand point, but you've also mentioned that she's a quiet introvert with a lot of hobbies she prefers to pursue on her own. Some explanatory one-shots or meet-ups with close friends wouldn't be out of place(and yes I realize you were building towards that recently before some bitch who will remain unnamed but rhymes with Tempress Blush came along and fucked it up >.>), as well as at least thinking more about her interests in relevant places. For instance, her violin and songwriting interests don't come up once, even in her head, when she's discussing music, music performance, and writing music with Cameron. That would have been a great opportunity to expand there, and you should be on the look out for more like it.

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Boop boop it's a Conrad Harrod Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

Conrad is so oblivious to everything that goes on in the world and I kind of love it. He's not necessarily innocent either, he seems to just genuinely not care for anything that is not directly his problem, and shift the blame for stuff that is onto other people. You characterize this really well from the beginning with his commentary on the alarm clock, and it carries through into moments like his encounter with Taranis at the school. You have made a character that is genuinely self-centered and self-absorbed without making him a jerk or an outright villain we're supposed to hate. When Taranis calls him an asshole, yeah, it's kind of true, but it twinges something in me and I feel bad for the poor baby. I like the dynamic you have at play here and I think it's something really interesting and unique that you should explore further.

THE DRAGGING

Conrad's posts tend to be real thin. Almost no physical descriptions, no thoughts, and short, clipped dialogue. This doesn't make a lot of sense to me because he's supposed to be really smart and hyper-talkative to the point of being annoying, and I know you don't write like this usually. Right now, instead of being sociable and mile a minute, Conrad comes off as awkward and shy and like he doesn't pick up anything, period. That doesn't jive with his profile and the archetype you've set up, to me. Revisiting his sense of social openness and getting him chattering away to bring out that annoying quality would do a lot for him.

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Boop boop it's a Raina Rose Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

There is a sort of light, breathy quality to the way Raina's narrative describes things that I think suits her overall character. A nice combination of the abstract and concrete that almost borders on cliche at times but never quite crosses that line for me. She has a sort of broad spectrum focus of perspective that suits her interest, like the way her introductory post spiders from absentee parents to childhood memories to her diet to the other diners around her, all while being chockful of little details that slip their way into her thought process. This also lends well into the way she conceives her actions and the way people react to her: Raina has the double-edged sword of being someone who sees a lot, and thus understands a lot, and falls into the fallacy of believing that means she understands everything. I like that you aren't going over the top with this and making her an outright snarky, pompous little shit to everyone, because it makes her more of a human being and shifts how I, as a reader, am understanding her complex. From the way you've set it up, Raina doesn't think she needs to be better than anyone else. She just flat out is, and that's a fact so basic that she doesn't have to call attention to it. I like that as a trait and I'm interested in seeing what you do with it.

THE DRAGGING

Raina's dialogue is pretty flat right now. She doesn't speak the way she thinks at all, to me, it tends to be pretty straight and to the point, clear and concise. Sometimes she bounces around topic wise, but I'm not seeing that spider-web process that defines her worldview. When she switches to dialogue, a lot of her personality squeezes off somewhere into the ether.

That's problematic because there's a lot of great Raina stuff for people to interact with, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with communicating her thoughts as an idea, but so much of what is there never makes it to the surface. What does feels diluted. Going forward, I would really focus on her conscious speech and punch it up to be on a similar level as her narrative.

Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses
A scare tactic came pretty close to Abby's opinion. Whether it came from good or bad intention, telling people they were going to be punished forever was a cheap and dishonest trick in her mind, one that didn't line up with the picture of love, sacrifice, and patience that she felt God represented. From what she understood, the whole thing was a whole lot more like the Greek conception of the afterlife than the one present in Judaism. Not that she was an expert in either, mind, but still. I

"Scare tactic is sort of there," she agreed, "though I like to think of it more as a compromise? The Bible's full of 'em. You won't find much talk of Hell in the Old Testament, for instance, that was a very New Church idea that a lot of scholars think stemmed from appeals to post-Hellenic beliefs! It's why you have to take the Gospels, and even more Paul's letters, with a grain of salt. They were all trying to appeal to their audience and that made them tweak things here and there. I like to think their heart was in the right place, but boy, does it leave us with a mess in the here and now!"

She nodded as she thought about Irene's brief notes on philosophy. "I can get all sorts of behind that. I mean," she said with a little bit of a wry grin, "firsthand experience with my dads doesn't leave me much room in the way of warm and fuzzies on the conservative end of things. I'm not inclined to give much to anybody who would discriminate against me and mine."

Roots of Jade
"Whoa, dude. Did you trick me into going on a double date?"

((Isaac Brea Continued From The Funny Thing Is, I Keep On Returning Over and Over))

Isaac had returned to the lane with a couple of trays full of nachos and some soda. He wasn't a huge fan of bowling, but goddamn, nachos. The bowling alley was a nacho-shame free zone. You could eat an entire trashbag of the things and nobody would bat an eye, and all you had to do to earn this amnesty was play a kinda shitty, kinda okay game that nobody human was good at. It was pretty sweet, especially since he got to hang with Bradley, one of the only other completely sane people at school.

Their good time had been invaded by a couple of Kingman's finest though. Clarice was a pain in the ass, and a big one too, always bitching about offensive this or problematic that, like she couldn't take a joke. What a hassle, they'd never have any fun with her around. Kimiko was...okay? Like, 7/10? The whole not talking thing was weird, though, and he couldn't remember what was up with that. Probably some Chinese religious thing. Either way, it was best to run them off so they could get back to the fun.

"I mean," he mock whispered as he he walked into the lane, "I'm not disappointed...well, okay, maybe a little. Honestly, I thought you could do better. But, since you're a pal, I'll take one for the team." He walked closer to the dividing...whatever that vacuum thing bowling balls came out of was and gave an exaggerated wink as his voice went back to normal. "Ladies."

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Primrosette
Feb 23 2016, 01:34 PM
Why isn't there a nitpicky section? I'm just curious to know.
Good question! I have sort of a love-hate relationship with the nitpicky section. In a lot of critiques you'll see I leave it blank, chuck in a joke or throw-away comment, that kind of thing, because it's overall the least useful and relevant section of the critique. However, sometimes it allows me to talk about something that doesn't really fit in either section but feels important to discussing the character at large, so I don't want to just chuck it from my big critiques.

With this kind of format, though, I personally don't feel like it fits well with the purpose and anything worth mentioning in nitpicky can probably be folded into one of the other two sections with caveats? Since this is a more broad and process sort of critique, it just doesn't feel necessary or appropriate for me to include it. If people are like, super-into the nitpicky section as feedback for whatever reason and what it included, though, I'm open to it, I just didn't see the point on my end XD

Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses
Abby wanted to chase this dragon about talking to an English teacher or two about critical Bible reading, but sandwiched in her head between spilling about beliefs and trying to process all of Irene's gamer talk it got all smushed up and forgotten. As the stream of confusing words Irene had blurted out rumbled back through her head, she shook it slowly and looked up at her with amazement. "Gosh. How you keep all that straight, I'll never know! You sound like you've got it all pretty well figured out, though. I'd get so lost, trying to pull anything like that off, but I'm sure you've got a real knack for it."

Now, this sort of talk could be shaky ground with some folks. Irene seemed like she didn't mind too much, though, so when she asked Abby's opinion she was happy to give it. "I'm not much for tradition, as it turns out," she giggled, "I'm part of a wacky offshoot that's been popping up over the last few years. I don't know if you've ever heard of a fella named Rob Bell, but he's a kinda controversial writer and pastor I like to study. Lots of beliefs like no Hell, be nice to everybody, nobody's got room to judge anyone else and we should all support each other to have the best journey we can." She pulled a slightly sarcastic smile and dropped her voice in mock secrecy. "Y'know, really crazy stuff like mutual decency and charity and the like." Someone might note that last bit was dangerously close to sass, but Abby was sure she had no idea what they could be thinking.

Her mind was circling back around just right now, as she stretched back against the tree. "Do you have any sorta philosophy you dig into, Irene? If that's alright to ask!"

You Look Like I Need A Drink
Sorry, kids, Isaac can't come to the consciousness right now. He's kind of busy.

Mmph.

Sure thing, champ. Just do you. Well, and him, that's the point of this whole thing!

Let me give you the play by play: when two people hate each other very, very much in a very special way, magic happens. That magic is currently taking the form of Jae and Isaac here using alcohol and blind misunderstanding to form the most wonderful of connections. In case you're not sure which connection that is, it's the one involving tongues.

Write that down. No, really. I'll wait. There'll be a quiz later and I want you to do well. Your success is important to me, you beautiful blueberry muffin of a person, you.

Now, Isaac isn't going to admit that this happened, and most of the witnesses are probably as wasted as he and Jae are at this point, so in a way it's like it never really happened. But it did. He's going to remember it did, I'll make real sure of that. Jae will too, probably.


Mmph!

Shh, honey, the grown-ups are talking.

It's funny. Jae finally figured out how to get Isaac to shut up. Their project probably would have gone a lot smoother if they'd done this in the first place. They've always got to do things the hard way, though. Speaking of which, creative hand placement, Jae! That's extra credit, definitely.

This is gonna end really well for everyone involved. Let's let them get back to it.


Isaac's head was swimming and clear and confused and focused and excited and horrified and so many fucking things at once he couldn't process he couldn't think he couldn't stop can't stop won't stop not ever breathe breathe BREATHE

He could still taste him, in the brief moments they were apart. That brought them right back together.

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
General Goose
Feb 23 2016, 01:23 PM
Oh, oh, Bradley Floyd please oh Grand Empress!
The queue is currently full and closed, my fowl friend, but I'd be happy to do him if you want to pop him into the next one when it opens, these queues likely won't take very long to empty :)

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Boop boop it's a Kimiko Kao Critique V1

THE COMPELLING

One of the great things about Kimiko right now is your sense of communication with her. When you have a character like this, it's easy to make something like being mute/deaf/blind/etc. be the only thing about them, or the most interesting thing about them, but you weave Kimiko's muteness in very naturally and don't hang up on it. It's there and it's present but it's something she has a pretty good handle on and seems comfortable with, so it becomes complementary to her narrative rather than the center of it, and that's an excellent way to handle it in my opinion. This is going to get more challenging once the game moves from pre-game to the Island since she will no longer have her cellphone and that's one of her primary means of communication, and pen/paper may not be readily available for her, but I think you're laying a solid foundation for her to kick off on there.

Another thing I like about Kimiko is that she's very cool and collected. Whether Bradley's being an ass or Jerry's making an insensitive comment or she's getting a chance to geek out with Junko, she takes things in a measured stride that feels natural, like she has a good sense of herself. This scaffolds well from her profile comments as someone who pushes herself to be outgoing and not let her disability control her. It's easy to say that a character is social or easygoing, but Kimiko is having that kind of thing tested and acing it in terms of characterization, and I think you're doing some solid work there.

THE DRAGGING

One thing we haven't seen much of from Kimiko is her athleticism. Gymnastics is a big part of her life according to her profile, but I don't see it having much presence at all in her pre-game so far. I'd like to see some expansion and maybe a thread with her hanging out with other athletes or a one-shot of her performing to get a sense of how this hobby shapes her and what it means for her, given that she's been doing it for twelve years and it features prominently in descriptions of her school life, family life, and advantages.

Another thing I'd like to see is what makes Kimiko's collected, outgoing nature crack. You've established the consistency of her attitude pretty well and had her throw out a couple jabs towards Bradley, but I'm wondering what, if anything, can make her break from that and get under her skin? Consistency is good, but it's also sort of bland unless you break it up with spikes of something else. Character traits like that are such a juicy testing ground for conflict and later hooks in the main game, and I think it would be a beneficial area to keep in mind when looking for places to throw Kimiko in the future.

One Night Ultimate Mafia Game Thread
So, murdering Poly?

Murdering Poly.

Good talk!

Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Huddled Masses
Oh Lord, she thought with a smile, here we go! Getting into these sorts of questions always excited her. "It's slippery, when it comes to Mary! Some people say the "Virgin" part of "The Virgin Mary" only matters for Jesus's birth, and after that all bets are off. More traditional folks are hung up on her being a virgin her whole life and reject James as anymore than a "brother in Christ," like all other Christians, and just think of the two of them as pretty close? You're right though, it's exactly the sort of thing that'd make for a great English assignment!"

English might be a little bit of a simplification. To really get into all of it you'd have to do a little bit of Latin and Hebrew, at the very least, though luckily there were a lot of folks who'd already done the legwork there. Still, it might be a little much for a high school assignment? Abby would have a blast with it, though, and she imagined Irene probably would too from her interest. 'Course, some of the more stuck-up types would get fussy about the whole thing, but what was the harm in just talking? It always seemed so silly to her to get worked up about what other people thought about God, as long as they weren't using it to hurt anybody.

Irene had a pretty cute giggle. Had she ever laughed around her before? Maybe they just didn't hang out enough. That could change, though! She always liked making new friends, and she seemed kind of intent on breezing through her Bible. Time would probably be an issue, as she kind of pointed out while marveling at how much time Abby spent away. She gave a small shrug and a chuckle. "I don't need that much spare time, really. I'd rather be helping someone out than taking time for myself, it's just sort of how I'm wired? When I'm on my lonesome with nothing to do, I can't help but think of all the things I could be doing to make the world a little brighter instead, and it makes me sort of antsy. It's like an itch I've just gotta scratch, if that makes sense?"

League of Legends? Abby felt like she'd heard people talking about it before, but she wasn't into video games. Still, as long as Irene was having fun! "That sounds like a great goal," she said with a smile, "get a little bit of that girl power going around! I mean, that's just as important as anything else. Everybody needs someone to look up to, and I'm sure there's all sorts of people you could inspire by being a positive example in the whole gaming thing!"

One Night Ultimate Mafia Game Thread
penguin_alien
Feb 23 2016, 10:57 AM
It swaps out with the middle where it came from, so the bad role is no longer in play. Hence totally safe to talk about.
I did not know this! I've never played with a Witch before, so I'm a little confused about how this role works.

One Night Ultimate Mafia Game Thread
Ooooh. This just got interesting.

I'd like to know both what Prim's role was from Prim, and who MW swapped it to, please! The only thing to consider is if you swapped it to myself or Ime, since Troublemaker and Curator go after Witch. So if you swapped to me, the bad role is now on Biki, and if you swapped to Ime there's a very high chance that she's now town or fool anyway.

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
And that's 10! I'll get started on these as soon as I can :)

Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!
Bitteschon, RC! I'm glad you enjoyed it :)

We were born to die with CRITIQUE: SARAH BOURNE

THE COMPELLING

My favorite thing about Sarah is that she took what could have been a complete throw-away joke in her assigned Mr. Potato Head Doll and ran with it like a champion. Sarah could have seen him in her bag, had a laugh, complained about not having a real weapon, or completely ignored him and it all would have been understandable. Plenty a joke weapon has been similarly tossed out in the past. Not only does Sarah incorporate Chip into her story, though, she pulls off pseudo-anthromorphizing him without making it weird or ill-fitting. It's a really unique flair to her story that kept me interested by itself. He starts off as an icebreaker and point of relief before things get serious, which fits with the way that Sarah zig-zags between freaking out and laughing the game off early on. Later on, he fades out after the game gets more serious. She still mentions him every now and again, but only to highlight her own isolation as her band members die or go crazy. It's an effective hook that I really appreciate.

Sarah also used her pre-game relationships really well. SDM might be my favorite overall group in TV2, and Sarah's early story leverages that efficiently. She's her own person while still being wrapped up in some close relationships that guide and inform her actions later on. It builds up her blood feud with Ashley, which was an explosive ending to her story and I kind of like that it was established and then they never crossed paths again until they both went out in flames. Normally I like a little more build up to a rivalry, but in this case the relationships were used well enough that it evened out any problems I might have otherwise had to craft a tight, efficient face-off with a lot of hate and emotion and crazy behind it for a satisfying double-death.

It's worth noting that despite being the one with a potato mascot, Sarah is probably the sanest member of SDM, and that was a good turn for her. It would have been really easy to take Chip and the trauma she suffered into some insane places, and resisting that temptation to develop Sarah in a different direction was a smart choice. I like her as a silly voice of reason that ends up over her head. It works.

THE DRAGGING

SDM self-destructed a little quickly, and a big part of that is Sarah's fast exit. Abandoning Anzu to her crazy was really out of character to me, and it was strange she didn't care about Anzu(her one living band member) when she spent so much time mourning Caroline and Val. There's an odd ripple there that feels very OOC, because for Sarah's story to progress the way it did she has to be away from Anzu, but I don't feel it was very well explained in character. It essentially boils down to "Anzu's crazy now, bye," and that doesn't fit with the compassionate image Sarah has presented up until now. There's some unplowed ground here because Anzu and Sarah frequently clash, and I think their differing personalities could have been played up to explore this, but they weren't.

I also found the quasi-partnership with Jewel to be strange. Not hurting Jewel I can understand, but after all of Sarah's blustering about killers, having them hang out and stay together for a short time ends up feeling off-kilter. I would have liked to have seen more hints towards this earlier in Sarah's narrative, since I feel like Jewel doesn't have much presence in it previously despite the emphasis on killers and Jewel being the definition of a TV2 killer. More expansion earlier on, or just not hanging out with Jewel at all, bailing after Sarah's resolve to attack her breaks, would have made this much more clean and understandable. As it is, I really want to like this interaction because it's so well written and there's so much great work for both characters being done in it, but it doesn't seem scaffolded correctly and that pulls it down a few points for me.

THE NITPICKY

I wish the Sarah/Ashley blood feud had involved more team dynamics. As it was, neither of them had any real interaction with the team aspect of their relationship, and some threats or caution from mentors earlier on would have helped this. I don't think it's a bad thing, but it would have scratched my lore nerd itch and made this feud more uniquely TV to have that issue incorporated.

Hey! That queue is done and it didn't even take a full year! I definitely didn't slack off too much or anything! In seriousness, I'm so sorry for how long this one took. The next queue will be opening with a new caveat: Only Dead Characters may apply. Living/Pre-Game characters should head over to Living critique thread, where things are done a little differently.

As always, 10 slots open! Anything that's not BR, V1, V2, or alive is eligible to be submitted here now :)

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Hey Everybody!

So this thread is pretty much like the Dead Critique Thread, with a few key differences:

1. Only Living Characters may apply.

2. There'll be no nitpicky section.

3. Critiques will generally be shorter and targeted more towards giving you ideas about what's working great and what could be working better right now for your character rather than an overview of what's up with them in general.

4. Because of this, Living Characters can be resubmitted after surviving 4 Roll Periods or Three Months of Pregame. Characters may not be submitted in back-to-back queues.

So that's it! 10 slots open, and currently V6 pre-game characters are all that is eligible :)

Current Queue

One Night Ultimate Mafia Game Thread
I feel pretty good about lynching one of the ones that's not Ime simply because most of the Curator objects she could have turn her town anyway. There are 8, and she's posted so she doesn't have the smiley curse artifact. 5/7 remaining make her either town or fool, making her a bad lynch target IMO.

You Look Like I Need A Drink
Hey. He's into you. You should kiss him.

Wuzzat?

Shh. Talking over. Make-outs. That's the new plan.

Whozat?

Isaac. This is your sense of Great Life Decisions speaking. Trust me. This is gonna change your life.

...

...

Hokay!

The pepto voice in his head sheemed to reeeeaally have a better handle on thish whole thing that he did, sho might as well listen to it? Yeah. Yeah. That was a good plan. A great plan. A fuckin' A+++++++ plan.

Maybe he should explain the plan to Jae. Mmmhmm. He'll get it. Jae gets everything. Let's jusht turn and get back in there pershonal like so we can whoops oh goodbye balance leaving sho shoon okay Jae will catch us shit he'sh got nice lipsh let'sh just do the thing here we go

Niiiice.

RemoteCrimson presents totally original critque thread
Pre-game characters, you say?

I'mma throw Ty at you. <3