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Bernadette Thomas
Hey Ime! I'll be critiquing Bernadette for you! She's looking pretty good right now but is Denied as there are a couple of details that require expansion.


What drove Bernadette to step in to help people being bullied? I ask because it appears to be a major part of her character and personality but there doesn't seem to be any reason given as to why.


When Bernadette became more active in the bullying incidents she got involved with did this lead to any response from the school? As in my experience normally if there's a shouting match both people can be punished for it.


That's literally it though, so post back here when you have those done and I'll take another look at Bernadette for you!

Sting Like A Stingray
...Alright.

Trav hopped back to avoid the kick. There was no set up so it wasn't like he didn't see it coming but still.

Full speed head kicks in sparring. If that was how Jerry wanted to play it.

Trav reset his stance and moved in, throwing out a one, two; jab, cross combo to force a reaction out of Jerry and disguise his actual attack, which was a scything leg kick. Using the full rotation of his hips and swinging his left leg around as he did so, Trav attacked Jerry's lead leg. He turned his leg over with the kick, the idea being that all the contact would come from the bone of his own shin against the meat of Jerry's thigh. Instant dead leg, super bad time. In a real fight Trav would do it full speed, full power all the time. It was one of his bread and butter combinations. Constant thudding leg kicks until his opponent could no longer put their weight on their lead leg. What that got him was a fighter who was slower and who couldn't put weight behind their own strikes. If they switched legs it meant it was working and only encouraged him to keep going.

Since they were sparring, Trav was only going to send one full force leg kick Jerry's way. But the message behind it was to remind him to calm his ass down, it was only sparring.

Gary Kwan
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested by the staff.

Smoke On Her Face
Breathe.

Things could have been worse.

Vanessa could have quit on the spot and declared their friendship over, luckily that hadn't happened.

Coleen didn't seem to want her to help so Cameron stepped back and leaned on the wall next to Vanessa. There was a nervousness coursing through her body but it was tempered with excitement. Coleen could sing and she could sing well.

Cameron slowly raised a hand over her mouth to hide her chesire cat grin as Coleen asked how Vanessa wanted the song performed. The girl was ready, there was no denying she had something. Despite her conflict of emotions Cameron was aware of Vanessa's presence just next to her. She didn't want her best friend to see her smiling at the prospect of hearing her replacement sing for the second thing. It was the type of thing that would cause even more issues. She felt sorry for Vans, this was abrupt and had been poorly thought out. Cameron made a mental note to make it up to her.

As things were though Cameron just stayed where she was and waited.

Plush Wants To Read Your Dead Things!
I wrote Chris Brooks once and he was fun. Maybe you could read him and critique him like back in my day when we didn't have these fancy tv typewriters with their bleeps and their bloops all we ha was-*rambles on*

Plush Wants To Read Your Living/Pregame Things!
Kimiko, since I'm intrigued.

RemoteCrimson presents totally original critque thread
Cameron Herrig
(She has a memory thread that isn't linked so watch out for that)

Roots of Jade
Clarice, to her credit had enough 'go away' sentiment for both of them. It covered all their bases well. Kimiko smiled when Clarice turned around after her bowl and started signing to her.

"Difficult, unless you 'accidentally' throw it backwards." She paused and gazed down at the garish eighties incarnate that was the carpet. It gazed back with all the shades of neon Kimiko could imagine. "I don't think it's possible to make this carpet worse though."

Then of course Bradley started talking again, as he always did. Kimiko wished there was a way to shut him up. He was aggressively unfunny. She turned around, right into Bradley winking at her. That was something she had no interest in seeing. There was never ever any chance she was going to end up as a 'notch on his bedpost'. He knew that, of course he did. He knew the same went for Clarice. But he just had to say it because that was what Bradley did, he just said disgusting, offensive stuff all the time.

Kimiko rolled her eyes and mimed forcing herself to throw-up. Then she thought of the perfect comeback. She knew she it was a bad idea to encourage him but Kimiko couldn't stand just letting him say whatever he wanted. That idea was as bad as the idea of Bradley himself. Holding up one finger she pulled her phone out and typed a note on it.

"Would that give you a grand total of one?"

Once she was done she showed it to Clarice first before holding it up for Bradley to see.

Sting Like A Stingray
Jerry didn't try to punch him off the glove touch. That was an unexpected bonus, he did however say 'Hit me with your best shot'. Trav sighed, that was going to be stuck in his head for the rest of the day. Jerry still seemed super up for the sparring session, which was unexpected. Trav had been thinking Jerry was going to back out, that he was all bark and no bite. He had more respect for him for sticking with it. That didn't mean he wasn't going to style it out. No, that option was always on the table when Trav fought.

Stepping back into a southpaw stance Trav got his guard up and moved towards Jerry, weight forward on the balls of his feet, a slight bounce in his step. Head down and chin tucked in, right hand slightly further forward than normal. He felt like trying out his counter right hook. It was just a waiting game to see if Jerry was going to oblige him. If not he was going to the left leg kicks. Jerry always talked about doing karate and karateka as a general rule tended to have trouble with leaving the front leg out. Easy pickings for scything low kicks and Trav did love kicking off his left leg as well as kicking his opponents leg off...or any part of their body really.

As things were though he pawed out with his right hand a couple of times, trying to egg Jerry into lunging forward. Onus was on him anyway, he had less reach.

Roots of Jade
"Awesome!"

Kimiko signed before retrieving her ball. She nodded in agreement with Clarice's sentiment. They did not need Bradley being there. Kimiko channeled that annoyance into sending the ball back down the lane and wiping out the remaining pins, so that was a split. She didn't know how a split actually translated into points but it was the one below a strike. So that was good enough for her. Spinning around with a flourish Kimiko grinned at Clarice and started to sign.

"So begins my destruc-"

Only to get interrupted by Bradley. Kimiko couldn't help but shoot him a quick glare. Another thing she hated about signing, people would just talk over you. She knew it was visual and everything but it just seemed like the more polite thing to her. Granted she was biased. Kimiko shot Bradley a confused look over her nickname. Who was Mr Bean? The name was familiar but she couldn't place it. She got Clarice's name however. It said a lot about Bradley as a person.

She wobbled her hand in response to Bradley's question. She had been better before he had started talking.

Smoke On Her Face
Luckily Brady stepped in to bring Vanessa back from the bring of a shouting fit. It was a momentary reprieve but Cameron was thankful for it. She hadn't wanted to start a massive bit of drama but it seemed like that was the way things were going. As it turned out Vanessa managed to be the one to come up with the best solution to the problem...well the best solution as far as Cameron was concerned. The solution that would allow everyone to hear Coleen in action. Cameron knew Coleen could and would ace the song. It was a guarantee. The only issue would be if Coleen decided not to sing the song or in an even worse scenario, messed it up. There would be no coming back from that. Hell Cameron was fairly sure some people didn't know the verses at all, only the chorus and riff. But the chorus, Coleen could do major work on the chorus.

She scratched her arm as she thought over the scenario, eventually deciding that it was worth the risk.

"Yeah, that's a good idea." Cameron said. "She can have a drink and then sing it."

She waved off BB's question.

"Doesn't matter. It's recognizable enough. I can play the rhythm if you want Coleen. So that you have something to go off."

If Cameron could help things along she was going to take any opportunity that presented itself. She felt like she owed Coleen that based on how things were going.

Gary Kwan
Hey Pancapples, Gary is a good start but is Denied pending some changes.

Quote:
 
Gary was never as social as the other children at his school, likely a result of his parents never taking him anywhere, preferring to leave him with Cecilia while they worked.
I find it's unlikely to assume that Cecilia would never take Gary out of the house to go to a playground or to a park etc. She's a nanny, so she will have had training in child development and will know that he needs to go out a socialise while growing up.

Quote:
 
After the girl's sixth birthday, Gary began to feel that he and his sister were somewhat neglected by their parents. He noticed that he hardly saw them, and they very rarely tried to have a role in his life.
I'm going to need a bit more than this I'm afraid, it's not like they wouldn't be coming home at night to sleep and if Lily was working at a restaurant she wouldn't be needed to be in work all the time. They tend to have a rota system so she would be able to be around in the mornings on some days or at home during the week. I'd like some expansion on this please cause right now it just seems like they're at their jobs.

Quote:
 
His lack of friends was a combination of not trying, as well as being a bit hostile toward anyone he seemed to disapprove of.
How did he develop this behaviour and has it ever caused issues at school before? I ask because this is the first time its brought up. He's gone from quiet to hostile to people he doesn't like.

What does Gary enjoy about hiking?

Quote:
 
the upside is that he would tend to form close bonds with any existing friends of his.
How does he form close bonds with his friends? His only personality traits currently are that he's reserved and can be hostile towards people for reasons.

What does Gary enjoy about running? What is his preferred event? I want more detail here as him being an endurance runner is the basis for one of his advantages and right now we really don't know much about his passion for running.

What classes at school does Gary like or dislike? Details like this help us connect with him and allow us to get a better idea of his personality.

Quote:
 
He normally prefers older horror and science fiction stories, as he is often able to identify with the themes of isolation and loneliness.
This should be with the rest of the paragraph about his reading.

Quote:
 
Gary is known to be a bit cold towards his fellow classmates, and this could be a way for other students to justify his murder.
Being anti-social is not a reason to kill someone. This disadvantage is really weak and I'd prefer to see it removed and replaced with something else. You could just as easily have his anti-social behaviour be a disadvantage in regards to gaining allies or something similar.

Right so those are the edits needed, post here once you've got them done and I'll look over Gary again for you!

Roots of Jade
Kimiko accepted the shoes from Clarice and nodded towards the person at the counter, it was the best thank you she was able to give. Turning and following Clarice to their lane, it was number three. That was a lucky number, Kimiko smiled to herself, Clarice was going down. She sat down and got to work pulling her own shoes off and putting the bowling alley's shoes on. Clarice was asking if she wanted to go first or not, Kimiko gave a shrug it didn't matter to her.

Watching Clarice sign as she put her shoes on Kimiko waved off her concern. She finished putting one of the shoes on before replying.

"Mayor Lai is boycotting meetings, things are still looking good for the elections. So it's nothing to worry about, just annoying." She slipped her foot into the other shoe. "I'm good though"

After slipping the other shoe on Kimiko looked up to see something that actually did bother her. Standing in lane four was Bradley Floyd, it was fitting that he would be in that lane. Four was bad luck after all, it sounded like death. Not that Kimiko thought Bradley was the embodiment of death. That was stupid. She would however prefer to be dead than talk to him. It could be interpreted as an example of Wu Wei.

"I'll go first." Kimiko signed as she stood up and grabbed a ball, taking care not to acknowledge Bradley. Taking two steps towards the line Kimiko released the ball and waited to see the result. Six. Not bad and not good.

"How're you anyway?" She asked as she waited for the ball to be returned. It was the polite thing to do, Clarice was her friend after all.

Roots of Jade
Kimiko paused for a moment as Clarice asked her the question.

"Let's say two games?" She shrugged, seemed as good a number as any. "Size 6."

She always remembered that American sizes was larger after an incident after she'd been over for around six months. She had been wanting a new pair of trainers and her parents had surprised by buying a pair. Needless to say they were extremely tight and after causing her to rub the skin off her ankle her parents traded them in for a size up. She had marks from that for what felt like forever at the time. In reality it had probably been three months. She hadn't made the mistake again though and neither had her parents. It had become a little in-joke between them whenever someone wanted shoes as a present. Other people would probably think that it was stupid but it meant something to them.

"We won't need three games. I'll beat you too bad."

Kimiko had no memory of every winning at bowling, but Clarice didn't need to know that. Not if they were just throwing trash talk back and forth. She found having an entire conversation without anyone actually saying a word normal. Sign language was the normal method of communication when she was at home. Her mum and dad had both learned it so that she wouldn't feel left out, it did make meals take longer than normal because you would have to stop and sign out what you wanted to say but there was something pleasant about it. A family happily communicating in silence. Having Clarice over when they were younger had been interesting, as she knew ASL and her parents knew TSL. The closest comparison Kimiko could find was if one person was talking Spanish they had learned in Mexico and the other had learned it in Spain. They would be able to understand bits, like a picture half drawn. Luckily everyone knew English so they had always had a backup.

Roots of Jade
"Oh you think so?" Kimiko asked returning Clarice's grin.

Another reason Clarice was such a good friend was that she had actually learned some sign language. It meant a lot more to Kimiko than just being nice to her, it took a lot of effort to learn but Clarice had done it so that they could communicate better. Kimiko still remembered moving to Kingman and finding out that she had to learn the American Version of sign language. The doctor had offered her an electronic voicebox but she had refused that outright. It had never been brought up again, instead she just knuckled down and learned. It was more rewarding to her anyway, when she was younger it had felt like they had a secret language no one else knew. Even now they were older they were still some of only a few people at school she knew that could even speak ASL.

Kimiko stood up and stretched her arms out behind her clicking her back. "Suppose we should go pay."

That was the other good thing that came with having Clarice around. She could handle all the talking and it removed all the awkwardness that could occur when Kimiko had to do it. Sometimes people would ask her questions and she'd have to type out an answer on her phone otherwise they would think she was being rude. It was easier having someone else with her in the long run.

"Hopefully the money will go towards replacing the carpet."

Sting Like A Stingray
Trav grinned. Jerry clearly didn't know Noodle very well, she fought and she was excellent at it. He shrugged when Jerry said he was fine with knees and elbows. Not everyone was because getting hit by a well-placed knee or elbow could fuck you up. Trav knew because he'd been on the receiving end of one before, back when he was still the new blood at the sparring sessions. He remembered it connecting with his sternum and that was that. Breathing had been painful for the rest of the session. He'd grown past that though, now he was one of the better people in the whole gym, which was funny in a different way. It was even funnier when one of the old guard came back and tried the same tricks that had worked when he had started.

Trav leaned on the cage as he waited for Jerry to get in. He wasn't sure if Jerry got the whole idea of reach, or height for that matter. Trav was certain he had a good four inches on his opponent...at least. Not that it was really his concern, Jerry would have to figure out how to get inside and into range. Until he did that Trav would just keep him on the end of his jab and kicks. If things started to get boring he'd probably pepper some spin kicks in for variety, maybe try out some new combinations. Typical sparring stuff really: experiment, practice, learn. The whole idea was to get better. He'd learn something from sparring with Jerry, you learned something sparring with anyone, it was just a question of recognising it.

Trav pushed off the cage when Jerry got in and bounced on the spot before moving to the center of the cage opposite Jerry, hand raised for the traditional glove touch.

Roots of Jade
((Kimiko Kao continued from I Hate Mustard))

The bowling alley was an ugly building. It was ugly on the outside and inside, marking it as a product of its time. It sounded like a harsh assessment but it was a true one. Kimiko didn't hate the bowling alley, she just thought it looked incredibly outdated and tacky. There was nothing wrong with the services it offered, although the carpet was the worst thing Kimiko had ever seen.

Her reason for being in the bowling alley was that she was going to be meeting up with Clarice, because they had decided to play a few games of bowling. Kimiko had been bowling a handful of times, in both Tainan and Kingman, so she wasn't as bad at it as she could be. The ball would hit the pins most of the time and she didn't need the barriers up, which was good enough for her. It wasn't anything she took seriously or put time into, but it was a fun distraction.

She stretched her legs out in front of her. She had decided to walk to the bowling alley, it meant she could get some air; it wasn't a taxing walk for her. Clarice would arrive eventually and Kimiko didn't mind waiting for her, she had earned that much. Clarice had been the first person at middle school to make an real effort to be friends with her when she had arrived. Most of the other kids had found her interesting, but she was the new kid who was Asian and couldn't talk. They weren't bothered about friendship. Clarice had been different, she had put in the time and effort to get to know her and socialize with her. That meant a lot to Kimiko at the time and still did.

So she flicked through the news on her phone and waited, frowning as she saw the news that Mayor Lai was still boycotting city council meetings in Tainan. She agreed with his position and appreciated his sentiment behind making the protest but he was a presidential hopeful for the Pan-Green Coalition. He needed to solve problems not be seen to be making them. Sighing Kimiko switched over to Facebook, this was why she was hoping that the New Power Party got some traction. Until Clarice arrived she would busy herself with looking at peoples updates. She found it was less frustrating.

V6 Character Theme Songs
Kimiko Kao: Chthonic - Next Republic

Travis "Trav" Lynch: Wu-Tang Clan - Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing Ta Fuck Wit (Bonus - Walkout Music)

Cameron Herrig: Kylesa - Nature's Predators

Sting Like A Stingray
Trav just grinned and continued wrapping his hands. Jerry certainly talked a lot. There was a song about that called "Talk Shit, Get Shot". Not that he was going to shoot Jerry...not literally anyway. It depended on whether or not you classed his arms and legs as deadly weapons. Trav grinned again at his own joke.

Jerry said something about wanting to see what he was made of. Trav wondered if Jerry even realised that Trav was 3-0 in the same sport he was 0-4 in. He had one more match experience sure but like c'mon man. Stop with the trash talk for sparring. Trav looked up an eyebrow raised in confusion when Jerry mentioned he brought an entourage. He looked over his shoulder and spotted Noodle. Oh, that was what he mean't. He finished off wrapping his hands and waved Jerry off.

"Nah, don't worry about it, Noodle's here to train." Although Trav did think Noodle would probably watch a bit, out of curiosity. Wasn't everyday you got to see a guy who was a black belt in UFC fight.

Ok in Jerry's defence his idea for how they should structure the sparring session was pretty good. Trav nodded in agreement.

"Works for me man, starting with some simple kickboxing." Trav dropped off the apron of the ring and picked up his mouthguard placing it into his mouth and biting down to make sure it was in place. His mouth guard wasn't quite custom yet, there was talk of getting one that said 'Tekken' on it. His current one was just the Jamaican flag, nothing too special. He had bought Noodle a Hello Kitty mouthguard for her birthday one year. He was fairly sure Noodle secretly hated him. Putting his gloves on Trav headed over to the cage and hopped inside, side-stepping around the perimeter.

"What's the call on knees and elbows?"

He was curious if he was allowed to rain Muay Thai based death on a man. (Not that he'd throw proper knees or elbows, he wasn't a psycho).

Smoke On Her Face
Things were suddenly going badly. Trust her stupid mouth to cause an incident. Vanessa was shouting at her. Cameron hated shouting.

She raised her hands in a placating gesture.

"Woah, woah, calm down Vans." She hated herself for causing the situation. She hated the idea that Vans would hate her. She hated that there was a chance Peyote Coyote could end because of it. She was going to do everything in her power to make things right.

Cameron had always wanted Peyote Coyote to succeed. It was their band, between her and Vanessa they had been Peyote Coyote since the first day of high school. They had added BB and Brady later, and now Coleen but the very first instance had been when they'd first met. Ever since that day Cameron had known she had her friend and not one of those best friends some girls could have where it changed with the wind, she meant her one true best friend. Vanessa had been there for her recently when she needed it most.

It almost felt like she was betraying all that based on her reaction. It made her feel sick.

"Just give Coleen a chance, trust me she's a good singer. We can do some songs with her..." Cameron really didn't want an argument. "I just thought it would be good. You can focus more on your playing if Coleen is singing." She was running out of things to say. "I'm not trying to..." She rubbed her arm where the scars were.

Everything was going fucking wrong.