Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
Jonathan Gulley
APPROVED

I Hate Mustard
((Kimiko Kao continued from Cruising and Perusing))

Moving through a crowd of people was difficult when you lacked the ability to ask people to move. Sadly Kimiko had gotten used to it but it was still depressing. It wasn't helped either way by people who preemptively moved for her or people who didn't move at all. On the one hand it made her openly feel different. On the other they were annoying and just got in her way. Unfortunately it was an unwinnable battle for her.

After managing to navigate the crowd of people in the doorway Kimiko's next task was to find a table. A delicate social balancing act, that was what she had been told at least. It seemed to be a complicated game of school politics only if you were interested in that sort of thing. Personally she had never really bought into it. Not that she was one of those kids that didn't care at all, she did have preferences. But she never saw the big deal of sitting on a certain table when it was only for the purpose of eating. Her only real requirement was that she could sit and that someone annoying wasn't on it.

A cursory look gave Kimiko her best bet. Junko Kurosawa was on a table by herself. Junko was a junior but they were actually the same age. Kimiko found it funny how that worked sometimes. Not that she was close with Junko, at all. But the younger girl did work at Larson's which was good enough for Kimiko. She had a copy of X-Men that needed to be read at some stage during the day.

With her table decided Kimiko moved in to sit down, choosing the seat one over and opposite Junko so they both had personal space. She smiled and waved a greeting. The best she could offer and then set to work getting her lunch out. It was a chicken salad using leftover chicken from the night before, a fruit salad featuring mango and melon and a bottle of water (not a salad). Nothing fancy but good healthy food. Her parents had always been big on healthy eating as far as Kimiko could recall and that had become more prominent once she became serious about gymnastics. Moving to America had made it more difficult, there were temptations everywhere, but also a greater variety of stuff plus everything they could get in Taiwan.

The final things Kimiko put on the table was her copy of X-Men, along with her phone. The comic was for reading and the phone was for communication. The issue was technically a month old but she planned on grabbing the newer one on her way home so a refresher was needed. Digging her fork into her salad Kimiko looked at Junko. It was awkward trying to start a conversation so Kimiko just looked between her table mates sandwich and her face trying to communicate the question with only her eyes.

Jonathan Gulley
Alright Jonathan is still Denied pending edits.

Quote:
 
He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork.
This phrase still hasn't been reworded despite me asking you to do it twice.

Quote:
 
He would really like the guitar
This should say "He really liked the guitar."

Quote:
 
His parents brought him a acoustic guitar which he struggled to play at first and his parents would pay for him to get guitar lessons to help him practice to get better at playing it.
This sentence needs to be split in two.

Quote:
 
Jonathan was first introduced to skateboarding at the age of ten by one of his friends when they went to the skate park to watch the older kids skateboarding and Jonathan thought that it was cool and fun to do.
Should be two sentences.

Quote:
 
Some of his favorite skaters are Russ Howell, Rodney Mullen and Darryl Grogan as he enjoyed seeing what tricks that they did and he wanted to be just like them.
This sentence changes tenses between the beginning and end.

Quote:
 
Jonathan and Lisa had been late from coming back from the skate park


Quote:
 
Jonathan was uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him.
This sentence needs a comma or semi-colon in it.

Quote:
 
When Jonathan woke up in the hospital a few days later, he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows.
Jonathan waking up a few days later in hospital implies some kind of head/brain trauma which he doesn't have, please fix this wording.

Quote:
 
His favorite subjects are music and P.E.


Fix that and I'll take another look.

Jonathan Gulley
Ok so Jonathan is still Denied pending changes.

The thing I noticed straight away is that you haven't read through the profile carefully. There's still a lot of stuff that hasn't been changed after the last couple of times. For example:
Quote:
 
He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork; as he would rather talk to other classmates or he would like to do doodles or scribbles on his papers.
This sentence still contains the phrase I had an issue with in the first place.

Quote:
 
After Lisa picked up Derrick. While they were talking, Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again.
These two sentences need to be worked on because right now the first sentence is only half of one and the second one lacks any context as a result.

Another thing you need to be careful of is that when you add in the changes that I ask for but don't edit the paragraph to take into account these new additions.

Quote:
 
Jonathan is also a lover of parties that he had with his friends and he loved to flirt with many boys at these parties. Jonathan realized that he was gay when he found himself getting attached to his own gender and he didn't have any romantic feelings towards girls. He wasn't sure how to deal with it at first because he didn't know how others would react to his sexuality. He was afraid that people wouldn't accept him for who he was. He kept it a secret for a while until he felt confident to open up about it. Jonathan always laughed it off when he was rejected by these older guys,
This is an example from the profile where the highlighted parts are from the original paragraph and should really be put together as one sentence. However you've added in my requested changes for expansion on his homosexuality between them and it makes the paragraph very disjointed. So you'll want to read through for any other instances of that and fix them up.

Really the main issue we have right now is the way the profile is written. As currently there are a lot of long sentences that need splitting up and awkward phrasings in parts. It just needs you to go through it and say to yourself "Do I need to use And in this sentence?". If you think it would be better off being split try that. Another thing you could try is reading the profile aloud as this will help you notice any parts that read strangely.

That's about it really. Just a detailed edit of sentence structure and style of phrasing and we should hopefully be good to go! Post here once you've done that and I'll take another look.

Jonathan Gulley
Alright so while Jonathan is looking better he's still Denied pending changes.

Quote:
 
He would like to bother his classmates from learning as he wouldn't do his schoolwork;
This is still phrased awkwardly to be more specific saying 'bother his classmates from learning' is incorrect. It would either be 'He would like to bother his classmates, preventing them from learning." or "He frequently bothered his classmates and prevented them from learning."

Quote:
 
At the age of eight, Jonathan did like playing with others kids and he had a huge love of music; especially the country genre as he would which he liked to listen to it whenever he was doing schoolwork at home because it would always keep him in a cheerful, happy mood.
Ok so we don't need the parts I've slashed through here really as they only serve to add more words to what is already a long sentence. This brings me to my next major point I want you to work on this go around:

Editing. Specifically editing your phrasing and sentence structure to:

1) Remove unnecessary words.
2) Ensure that sentences have a flow, instead of being clunky.
3) Shorten your overall sentence length. Since right now most of the sentences you use could be two or more sentences when split up and are being forced into one very long sentence.

Hopefully as you're doing this you'll also start to see the grammatical errors that are present within this profile. Again I'm going to ask that you give the profile a good read through with an eye out for detail. Otherwise this critique could devolve into more changes like that one up there ^ and I'm sure neither of us want to go through that.

Quote:
 
'There's your trouble' by a band called Dixie Chicks
The name of the song needs capital letters since it is a name.

Quote:
 
Jonathan was not uncomfortable with how Lisa agreed to go and get Derrick as Jonathan thought that Derrick had been a jerk to Lisa for always yelling at her before she finally broke up with him.
Think you just meant 'was uncomfortable' here.

Quote:
 
Jonathan noticed that Derrick was getting an aggressive tone when Lisa refused to be in a relationship with him again.


I don't think the detail about the car moving uncontrollably is needed as we can assume that from the fact two people are fighting over the wheel. All it serves to do is make the sentence longer than it needs to be.

Quote:
 
he had a broken leg and a scar on his face that came from a piece of glass from one of Lisa's car windows


Quote:
 
He was devastated and heartbroken when he heard that Lisa had died during the car accident and he was noticeably more quieter than usual.
You don't need both devastated and heartbroken here.

Quote:
 
the scar that's on his face that was caused in an accident that he wasn't comfortable to talk about.
Yeah this sentence needs to be changed to refer to the accident properly as we know what happened now. So it makes no sense calling it 'an accident'.

Quote:
 
At the age of fifteen, Jonathan enjoyed watching horror movies with his friends that were 80s slasher movies because he enjoyed how cheesy they were and he loved to get a great laugh out of them with his friends.
This needs to be at least two different sentences because it's nearly two whole lines by itself.

Ok so, your changes to Jonathan being gay, if anything they almost make things worse. You've not really done what I've asked here. I asked for it to be expanded upon and more detail added but all you've done is tacked on two sentences about how he wants a relationship soon and is in love with one of his friends. What I wanted was more detail about this earlier in his life. When did Jonathan realise he was gay? How did he cope with this? Right now this still goes unexplained. So I'm still going to have to ask for more detail here.

Quote:
 
Although he doesn't likeing working there much,


Quote:
 
Jonathan can make allies as he can be a very trustworthyful
I also think you're missing out the word 'easily' but I'm not sure.

Alright make those changes for me and I'll give Jonathan another look!

TvTropes Mafia Thread
UNVOTE

Well this has been a mess.

Also could we try not to keep claiming unless the situation is super dire. Otherwise we're just giving away information for free.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
So I'mma be asleep when this day ends so.

Unvote

Vote: Espi

Because we need to get something done and this is the only train with any momentum.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
I am confused as to what we are doing. Assuming we're not pushing Grim cause of the claim. Sooooooo yeah what's the plan?

TvTropes Mafia Thread
That sounds trustworthy

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Yeah I got a promotion.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Just read the scrubs game. It explains everything rather well XD

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Yep you totally laid out your arguement as clearly as Turtle did and then made your claim. Oh wait.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Grim Wolf
Oct 9 2015, 01:51 PM
Deamon: how is saying that Turtle (who, you know, is actually just restating the points I made) explained my logic running with an excuse in any way?
Quote:
 
For the record, if I get lynched and flip town, please investigate the MK, Volt, and Penguin group for possible sugar mafia affiliation. I am also willing to roleclaim so we don't waste our dayphase.


Because this was all you have us and now suddenly you have a paragraph explaining yourself. It's a bit late and kinda convenient all things considered. Suddenly you have this reason why you thought this that you didn't feel like giving at first. So either A) You're a dumb. or B) You saw an excuse you liked and jumped on it.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
After waiting for Grim's defense I can safely go Vote: Grim Wolf

He's basically just taken one of the excuses Turtle put forward and tried to run with it in the least convincing way possible.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Ohm's vote did reek of piling on. I am with you there.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Yeah the distinction of sugar mafia over darth mafia is very strange and specific. Inb4 it's blamed on an oversight or something equally lame.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
That is a very good point.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
Well that was fucking pointless.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
I wasn't asking you to out the vig silly. Just explain what information you have that has allowed you to deduce their identity.

TvTropes Mafia Thread
???

Explain.