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Joachim Lovelace
Alrighty, much better. Still a few things though.

The spacing is still making me crazy. Example:

James Lovelace worked as a senior employee at a local steel mill, supervising the solidification of steel. Karin herself had an apprentice ship to be a florist when she was still living in Germany. She believed that James would make enough money, so Karin remained at home to raise Joachim and his big sister, Larissa.
In kindergarten it was clear that Joachim was an intelligent person, as he learned reading very fast and because he understood new things faster. However, Joachim didn't make many friends, due to him being an introverted child.
That changed in elementary school. While he still wasn't a child with many friends, he managed to be a friendly and helpful person, but very shy person. This showed if somebody asked (children and adult) to do a favour, which Joachim always tried to do as best as he could.
Joachim had, despite his potential, average results in school. This was a product of him being unmotivated to follow the lesson actively. It is a problem that has never been solved.




So there are two things you can do here. Either separate things into their own paragraphs and make it look like this:


James Lovelace worked as a senior employee at a local steel mill, supervising the solidification of steel. Karin herself had an apprentice ship to be a florist when she was still living in Germany. She believed that James would make enough money, so Karin remained at home to raise Joachim and his big sister, Larissa.

In kindergarten it was clear that Joachim was an intelligent person, as he learned reading very fast and because he understood new things faster. However, Joachim didn't make many friends, due to him being an introverted child.

That changed in elementary school. While he still wasn't a child with many friends, he managed to be a friendly and helpful person, but very shy person. This showed if somebody asked (children and adult) to do a favour, which Joachim always tried to do as best as he could.
Joachim had, despite his potential, average results in school. This was a product of him being unmotivated to follow the lesson actively. It is a problem that has never been solved.

or push them together like this:


James Lovelace worked as a senior employee at a local steel mill, supervising the solidification of steel. Karin herself had an apprentice ship to be a florist when she was still living in Germany. She believed that James would make enough money, so Karin remained at home to raise Joachim and his big sister, Larissa. In kindergarten it was clear that Joachim was an intelligent person, as he learned reading very fast and because he understood new things faster. However, Joachim didn't make many friends, due to him being an introverted child. That changed in elementary school. While he still wasn't a child with many friends, he managed to be a friendly and helpful person, but very shy person. This showed if somebody asked (children and adult) to do a favour, which Joachim always tried to do as best as he could.Joachim had, despite his potential, average results in school. This was a product of him being unmotivated to follow the lesson actively. It is a problem that has never been solved.


The way to decide which one you do is if the lines have anything to do with each other. Section that talk about the same thing (like in the appearance) should be bunched together. If they change topics, separate them with a space.


"His first impression usually does not change since Joachim doesn't seek to know other people better.
There are some exceptions. He sees the people he is exploring their family trees with in a more positive light."

-Why is it that he doesn't want to go deeper and know people better? Also the second sentence is awkward. Should be:

"He sees the people who's family trees he explores in a more positive light."

- Something else. Where was Joachim born? Was it in Seattle? If it was in Seattle and he's lived there h is whole life he should have at least one or two friends just because he's spent his whole life growing up with them.

"James is a snarky and brutually honest person"

- Misspell. Should be "Brutally"

"He doesn't have a prefered genre, "

-Misspell. Should be preferred.

"Working with these people produced some relationships that are based on symphaty, "

-Misspell. Should be sympathy.

"His entire family can speak fluently german. Joachim sees the language as more poetic and he keeps his diary in german due to that."

- Grammar. German should be capitalized.

"Joachim has a sceptic view on other people."

-Grammar. Should be skeptical.

- A note on his homosexuality. If he doesn't care about love or sexuality how is he homosexual? It seems odd that a person would be attracted to people and not want to at be involved in them, either in a relationship or just sexually.


Done and done! I think that's everything.


Scarlet Darlings
Mara leaned over her bathroom skin washing off the green/gray sludge. She rubbed a soft towel on her face the same color of her bathrobe and stared up at the mirror.

The girls would be there soon to all get ready and afterwards take stiff pictures in their finery on her picturesque staircase.

It had taken a lot of work to get to this very basic stage of preparation. The very tips of her hair had been trimmed so that the entire length was so even you could level a table by it. Her eyebrows had been waxed. Her nails and toe nails had been done with shiny gold lacquer; it was the gel nail polish that cost a bit more but was said to look better and last longer. Her teeth were sparkling white after enduring a week of disgusting whitening strips, 20 minutes twice a day.


All of that and she was finally in good enough shape to start getting ready.

Chase Fisher
This character biography has had no alterations for more than two weeks and has been put in the abandoned characters forum. This profile is eligible for resubmission by the handler upon alterations requested from the staff.

Mimi's Sprite Station v2
Hey there. I'll request Michelle Weschler to add to the line.

She's kindda pear shaped and is wearing blue flip flops with white bubbles on them, saggy jeans with ripped cuffs and a rip on her left knee, a black Nirvana t-shirt with white lettering, a red hoodie jacket (hood not equipped) and friendship bracelets.

She's got brown curly hair down to a few inches past her chest and light brown eyes.

Thanks!

Joachim Lovelace
Sorry about the wait. For clarification misanthropy is defined as a hatred or mistrust of mankind.

Mis (From the Greek Misos)= hatred anthrope (from the Greek anthrōpos)= people

It's literally someone who hates people.


"In Kindergarten it was clear that Joachim was an intelligent person, as he learned reading very fast and because he understood new things faster."

- Lower case k in kindergarden

"The landlord, who is sharing the house with the Lovelaces, was concerned about that matter, and tried to talk with Joachim's parents about it."

- The landlord, who WAS

"However, after months has passed without anything happening,"

- However, after months HAD passed

- Question from the previous critique: Does he have any friends at all? Is there a small group of people he'd consider to be his friend?

"Joachim loves it to inform himself and to be aware of the world."

- Joachiam loves to inform himself and to be aware of the world

"While Joachim learned to find multiple sources to form an opinion, he also became cynical, as the nature of most news are negative."

- as the nature of most news IS negative. "News" is a singular noun. There is no "new" without an s. You're talking about news in general as a thing so it's a single thing, thus, news is not news are.

"At last, Joachim spends much time with genealogy. It's the only hobby, which he doesn't do alone, but with his sister before she moved to Germany."

- LAST, Joachim spends much time with...

- On that note, what does he get by researching his genealogy? Is it just his genealogy that he studies or other people's because I feel like his hobby would be over quickly if it was his his relatives. Does he continue doing it after his sister left?

- You could add "writing in his diary" as one of his hobbies.

"He sees the most of the flaws in humans as a product of being stupid, rude and egoistic. Believing to be a better person by being a nice person, he claims that his behaviour is superior to most humans."

- He sees MOST OF THE FLAWS in humans as a product of being stupid, rude and EGOTISTIC. Believing HIMSELF to be a better person by being a nice person, he claims that his behavior is superior to most humans.

- Same questions as before: Where did he get his misanthropy from? Up until now he's been friendly, polite, helpful and respectful. He's never had a problem with other people as far as I've seen. Why does he suddenly have such a harsh view of people? Why does he think he's superior? He's not especially handsome, athletic and you say that he's a fast learner but he has average grades.

"...that makes him believe to be superior."

- that makes him believe HE IS superior

"This is a result of his father losing his job and causing to lose his original home, which also causes Joachim to see things very pessimistic."

- This is a result of his father losing his job and causing HIM to lose his original home, which also causes Joachim to BE very pessimistic.

"Additionally, e thinks of this more as a nuisance, as he read many news that revolved around people losing powers due to their sexual affairs."

Additionally, HE thinks of this more as a nuisance..."

- If he's aware that coming out as gay could result in him losing certain rights such as the right to get married, wouldn't that concern him more than being just a "nuisance"?

This is a lot better. There's more information, but there are still a few problems and grammatical/ spelling errors. Also, the appearances sections you have a lot of sentences where you start on a new line for no real reason but don't skip a line so it isn't a paragraph break. If you could clump those lines together to be easier to read that would be great.


Magic Man
((Ack, sorry dudes and dudettes))

Paris nodded and hopped up on stage near Jessica. He slung his guitar around he neck and played a few introductory notes with his head down in concentration. He lifted his head, nodded and Jessica and made a wave motion for Rosemary to come over.

"Alright, kids. One, two, one to three four!"


And he began to strum a happy little tune approximating the request.

Joachim Lovelace
Gutentag, Bikriki. I'm Ruggahissy and I will be your moderator for this critique. Your profile is temporarily denied until it's fixed up quite a bit.


Alright, I understand that English is not your native language and you do fairly well but there are still numerous grammatical errors in your profile. I will go through and point them out this time but the next time you want to submit a profile I suggest you have a proofreader.

Also: Please don't post in this thread unless it is to tell us that you have done the edits. Your profile was delayed for a bit because mods look at the V5 submission section and look for threads with zero responses and it's a little confusing when yours already has a reply. So this is also for the future.

Corrections will be in yellow


Name: Joachim Lovelace
Gender: Male
Age: 17
Grade: 12th
School: Aurora High School
Hobbies and Interests: Studying news obsessively You need for Joachim to have more interests than just "news." Does he like to read? What books does he like to read? Does he like music? Does he like television? Videogames? Comic books? What hobbies does he have?

Appearance: Joachim stands at 6'0'' and weights 152 pounds. He has a very pale skin, which is a contrast to his dark brown eyes. His hair are is a mix of brown and dirty blond and are reaching to reaches his lower ear. They are It is, due to Joachim's carelessness regarding outer appearance, usually unbrushed. That's why the hairs are spreading in all directions.

Hair is treated as a singular unit. So it is the hair rather than individual hairs.

His statue can be described as slim, as he neither possess much fat nor muscle mass. Also, The profile is written in a professional manner from the point of view of a terrorist so don't be as conversational by having things like "Also"

Joachim's body barely have has any hair on it other than on his head.
His head is long, having a thin mouth, a short nose, which has a rather wide nostrils, small ,but wide eyes and bony cheeks. His ears are covered by his hair.
Joachim's clothing range is rather limited, as he usually wears black cotton shirts, with sleeves that are covering his hands. When outside, Joachim wears blue jeans, but he change them to more comfortable sweatpants when he is at home. Gym shoes are his preferred kind of shoes.
Another detail are his long finger nails, as he doesn't bother cutting them for weeks and only does it when his parents tell him to do it.

Biography: Born on the 13th of February 1995 this would make Joachim 18 when the class trip happens in June as the second child of James Lovelace and East-German Karin Lovelace (born Schmitt) . Joachim grew up in a mid class middle class environment, where financial sorrows weren't much of a problem.
Paragraph break
James Lovelace worked as a senior employee at a local steel factory, while Karin remained at home to educate Joachim and his big sister, Larissa. What does James do at the steel factory?Did Karin ever go to university? Why did she decide to stay home if the kids were going to school to be educated?

Already In kindergarten it was clear that Joachim was an intelligent person, as he learned reading very fast and because he understood new things faster. However, Joachim didn't make many friends, due to him being an introverted child. It That changed in elementary school. While he still wasn't a humanHuman is extremely awkward and scientific sounding. Replace with "person" or "child" with many friends, he managed to be a friendly and helpful person, that, once someone had the patience to endure his shyness, happened to be a nice friend. What brought about this change? Why did he become more friendly and helpful? What sorts of things does he do that are friendly or helpful?
Joachim had, despite his potential, average results in school.This was a product of being unmotivated to follow the lesson actively sentence fragment. It is a problem that has never been solved.

When Joachim was in the last grade of elementary school, his father lost his job. It was because James' apostrophe for possessive. It is James' attitude rude attitude, which, after years of patience, brought him the disdain of his superiors and of his subordinates was there an incident that brought his bad temper to his superior's attention and finally made them fire him?. The landlord, which is who was sharing the house with the Lovelaces, was concerned about that the matter, and tried to talk with Joachim's parents about it. At first, she was understandable and gave James time to find a new job. However, after months has passed without anything happening, the landlord lost her patience. When she was confronting James Lovelace, he began to shout at her and called her names. Enraged by this, she kicked the Lovelaces out.

They found a temporary home at James' brother, Michael Lovelace. Joachim, realizing in what situation he is was in, resorted to becoming silent and he spent his days with reading news, as Joachim had a great interest in the different situations that are were happening in the world, so he permanently gathered different sources to find news.I don't quite understand this. How does one permanently gather sources? This resulted in Joachim being a well-informed young man, but also a very cynical one.

He secretly blamed his surroundings for his situation, as he felt powerless during the affair I don't quite understand this one either. His situation is the family situation of not having much money but what are his surroundings?. His bitterness increased after a few months, when James, who is was perceived too old by many employees, and Karin, who doesn't didn't have experience, found work as waiters in different restaurants. Even when they were able to live mostly independently in a low-class apartment, Joachim felt fear that his parents are were going to destroy this little success, as well.

While in middle school, Joachim continued his trend of being an average student , as well, of ashaving few connections to other pupils. sentence fragment

At one point, he and his mother began to take interest in “Survival of the Fittest”. Karin thought that it was a set up, but Joachim soon understood that the killing was real, enjoyed it nonetheless. I talked to you about this. SOTF is a terrorist organization known by the public as one, normal kids don't like to watch slaughter of children, ect. ect. ect.

Before he was going to attend high school, Karin encouraged Joachim to be a more social person. While Joachim still sees her as weak for not maintaining the wealth they once possessed, he took her words to heart and tried to be a more open person. Why does he see her as weak for not maintaining their wealth when she wasn't working when they were doing well? His father was the main source of income to the family.. The results are wererather small. Joachim doesn't participate in any clubs and doesn't have a clique to hang around with , but he turned to be a polite and cooperative person, that, while nobody was actively thinking of him as a friend, was still considered a nice person to be with. Does he have any friends at all? Is there a small group of people he'd consider to be his friend?

His sister, Larissa moved to relatives in Germany, as she wants wanted to explore her roots.

Joachim's grades were are mostly still average.
Exceptions were are the social studies and languages in a positive manner, while PE and mathematics in a negative one.
Joachim doesn't participate in any extracurricular activities. He usually finds it them boring or just isn't actively pursuing spending his free time with other pupils.

As mentioned, Joachim spends every free second of his days in collecting news. This resulted in him being very well informed. This shows often in discussions, where the combination of the mentioned trait and the general respect for others that was taught by his mother , resulted in Joachim , knowing that each story has two sides ,. He isbeing open-minded and polite when talking.

Although housekeeping annoys him, he does it because he knows that arguing with parents doesn't work.

He has a misanthropic view of people, believing that they are too emotional and irrational, destroying the things other people built. He still remains friendly, as he believes that this makes him superior to the "rude" and "animalistic" folks.

Joachim tries to stay calm, even in heated situations, which is another thing that makes him believe to be superior.

Where did he get his misanthropy from? Up until now he's been friendly, polite, helpful and respectful. He's never had a problem with other people as far as I've seen. Why does he suddenly have such a harsh view of people? Why does he think he's superior? He's not especially handsome, athletic and you say that he's a fast learner but he has average grades.

Much to the dismay of his family is that Joachim is very unmotivated to achieve anything. He believes that anything he does is futile. Increasing that effect is his permanent boredom. Because he thinks of most activities as boring, he doesn't bother doing anything for it them.

While Joachim is usually apathetic of the people surrounding him, he can and will panic if things happen that affects him too strongly, but that he cannot control.

Joachim discovered that he is more attracted to men than women. He thinks of this more as a nuisance than anything actual serious. Nobody except him knows of his homosexuality.

Sexuality can be a pretty big deal, especially when it goes against what is considered to be the norm. When did he realize he was attracted to men more than women? Why doesn't he tell anyone about it? What does he think his family's reaction would be to the news? Has he ever been infatuated with a male classmate?

Advantages: His calm attitude and his above-average mind will help him remain tactical on the island. His loosely attachments to his classmates will help him in accepting their deaths.
Disadvantages: Joachim's hubris might get to be a problem. His fears of being dependent of someone else can hinder him too. His greatest problem will be his lack of motivation, he might not be interested in fighting at all.



Okay. We've reached the end. So besides the things I mentioned I need a little more information on Joachim.

-Tell me more about his parents. What are their personalities like? How does Joachim get along with them? Same for his sister. How old is his sister? Is he close to her?
- His personality is sort of all over the place. He changes from being nice, sweet, helpful and friendly to being apathetic, sullen, prideful and having a sense of superiority. Why did this happen? Why doesn't he want to interact with his classmates?
- You hint at the effect that the family's fall from the middle class has on Joachim but never really come out and say it. If I had to GUESS I would say that the reason he's so apathetic and grumpy is because he doesn't trust anyone after his parents disappointed him the way he did and he's afraid to try because he's afraid that one day it could all be taken from him like it was with his parents. However, I had to guess all of that stuff. You need to tell me so I can understand him better.
- He needs more hobbies and interests. If he's so interested in the news, why doesn't he join the newspaper? What does he want to do when he grows up?

Alrighty, I think that's it. Post when you've made the edits!

Chase Fisher
Hey Techno. I'm the magical Ruggahissy and I'm a little short on magic right now but here's your critique.

Profile is temporarily denied pending some changes.

This is personal preference but can you list the grade as 12 or 12th instead of written out? Thanks.

- 5'11 and 176 makes his BMI 24.5 which is at the high end of normal so he wouldn't look very fat.

- Can I get some info on what his nose looks like?

- How does Chase feel about the fact that his parents are sacrificing so much for him to the point where their business is in danger of bankruptcy?

- How does the family live in general if they are obviously struggling but channeling all their resources on their son?

- In what ways are they sparing no expense on Chase?

- I need to know much more about his family. How does Chase get along with his parents? How do they interact? How big of an issue is it that his mother seems to have a problem with alcohol? How does her drinking affect the family? I assume Chase has no brother or sisters but it would help if you stated he was an only child.

- Speaking of his mother, you need to go into more detail about it means that she has drunken bouts and how the family deals.

-Why does Barbara choose to stay at home and not work if the family is struggling financially?


"Barbara laughingly tells the story of the time he tore off a soiled diaper and threw it against the window of a customer's van."

- What does this story have to do with anything? It comes right after a section about Chase's affinity for cars but this story doesn't demonstrate that. It's pointless clutter if it has no point.

"Chase never went to pre-school, instead being raised at home until he was old enough for kindergarten. At school, he was at first slow to learn and to make friends. His school counselor explained to his parents that this could be the sign of a mental defect or a social disorder. The counselor suggested getting Chase involved in some sort of hobby, and so Michael began to teach Chase about repairing cars and Barbara went out and bought Chase his first drum set."

The following information comes from a fellow staffer who has more know-how on public education: "Okay, I've consulted with my elementary teachers who have a combined experience of over 40 years teaching. This issue of him not making friends would come from the teacher first, not the counselor. And as teachers, they tell me they discuss with the parents their concerns several times before ever mentioning things like "social disorders" and "mental defects" in a parent/teacher conference. Some kindergarteners are just slower bloomers than others, and experienced teachers realize that. It doesn't mean they are social rejects, just slower to adapt to the school setting. Especially when they have never been exposed to that setting before."

- You mention his interests in LARPing in 6th grade and never mention them again. How do these interests continue to manifest themselves in Chase's life?

- How does Chase feel about having to hide his LARPing?

- How and when did he first get involved with wrestling? What does he like about it? Is he any good at it? Is he still on the team?

- Why did he try to start a band? This is the first time you mention anything about music. How and when did he start playing the drums and why the drums?


"Advantages: Follows instructions well, his weight and his training make him rather good at wrestling (he's no pro, but he can pin a man his size down with some luck), Knows how to fix many models of car (mostly trucks and Jeeps), fit despite looking overweight."

- When was it mentioned that he follows instructions well? Is that a part of his personality? Why did that develop?

- Knowing how to fix cars isn't much of an advantage in a survival situation. Remove it.

"Disadvantages: Can't lie well at all, is easily influenced by other people, is afraid of the dark still, tends to take things personally, rather large, can't run very fast or for a long time."

- There's no indication of any of these things in the profile with maybe the exception of the weight which, at his height and weight, isn't overweight at all.

- What are Chase's favorite subjects? What are his least favorite subjects? What sorts of people does he hang out with? Who are his friends? What does he do to relax?

- What does Chase want to do when he grows up?

- Has Chase had relationships or crushes?

- What is Chase's personality like? At this point the only description of his personality is in the disadvantages. What is his outlook on life? Is he optimistic? Pessimistic? Selfish? Generous? Funny? Serious? Loud? Quiet? Messy? Neat? Paint me a picture of what this individual is like.



Alright, Techno. The problem here is that this is a very bare-bones profile. I don't know much about Chase growing up since it starts at his birth, skips to kindergarden, skips to sixth grade then goes to 9th grade and stops there. It's disjointed and I know almost nothing about how this person deals with other people or what his personality is like. There's not much of how he felt about his life experiences or how he reacts to them. So think a little bit about Chase as a whole person that you know and then describe him to me so I can see him in my head.


Post when you're done.

It's Traditional To Nap In Gazebos
"Hu?"

He seemed alright with the information she'd just given him. What a relief! She took a deep breath and let it out.

"No, not at all! ......er...okay, well, maybe a little bit intimidating," she said bashfully.


She hefted up her bag and slung it over, adjusting to the new weight. She walked carefully past Gavin, but faced him, walking backwards as she was leaving.

"Sure. Any time. Eight times out of ten if it's not school time then I'm at the pool so if you need me, you know where to find me."

Michelle gave a big wave and called out "Bye Gavin!" and turned to scurry off to class.


((Michelle Wexler continued in C is for Cookie ))

It's Traditional To Nap In Gazebos
"I mean, I know I can't control it, but that doesn't stop me from feeling bad. People don't always feel guilty for reasons that make sense," she responded. Suddenly she was making eye contact with somewhere around the middle of Gavin's shins. He stood up and was looking down on her.

She looked around again and took that as her cue that they were standing up now. Michelle got to her feet and stretched down her bright red t-shirt as she did so. The slight dampness of her suit had left a few lines of darker red on the shirt from having gotten it wet. She wiggled her toes in her flip flops, pushing her feet back into them when they'd come lose after sitting down.

His appearance wasn't the friendliest for certain and Michelle wasn't the best with intimidating individuals. She slung her back pack onto one shoulder and gripped the edge of the gazebo with one hand.

She looked away shyly when he apologized. After a moment it seemed she was able to look back up at him.

"It's okay. I'm sort of a goof and I'm over sensitive sometimes. I was a little uncomfortable but I appreciate you saying that. You seem like a....well....a nice person too it's just that I was a little weird about it because I have a, um, a girlfriend," she said, looking down and twiddling her thumbs.

"You know, like, a girlfriend?" she said, pushing her index fingers together.


It's Traditional To Nap In Gazebos
Suddenly Joe jumped up and bolted away like she was made of poison.

"Hey-" she called out. But it was too late. Joe was long gone and she was left alone with Gavin.

"-wait," she finished softly. She closed her mouth and pulled her hand back in which had been outstretched as if trying to get a hold of Joe. Michelle frowned and looked down.

Michelle felt bad; had it been her fault that he got scared? Maybe she was crowding him too much or maybe it was wrong of her to butt into his business.

"I was only trying to help," she said, crestfallen. "I guess I'll find out what's wrong later. We have class so he can't run from me there," she said with a bit more resolve.

She seemed suddenly aware again that there was the other boy still remaining and turned quickly to face him.

"Um, he's sort of a nervous guy from what I've seen so don't take it personal. Though uh, I don't really know if you already knew that since I don't really know him THAT well so I don't know who his friends are so if you are one of his friends um...I.....wouldn't know it," she finished, feeling sort of lame. The amount of time she spent talking in circles or just making herself sound bad in the conversation she'd had with this person thus far was pretty significant. He probably thought she was some sort of idiot who was so dumb she just forgot to wear pants or something.

It's Traditional To Nap In Gazebos
((Hey Ravenstar. If you're going to break the posting order it's considered polite to let the other people in the thread know and it's usually only done if there's a specific reason to do so in the thread. If you are leaving a thread you can post at any time in the posting order.))

Michelle looked over at the boys with uncertainty. It was nice that Gavin seemed willing to help with the chemistry. Maybe he was in a different chemistry class? There were a few classes of it so it was possible.

She felt a little bad for having intruded on Joe since it seemed he wasn't the best with people but now it looked like he was adjusting better. Michelle didn't recall him talking to others in class much.

She was fairly curious as to what it was Gavin was doing exactly with the chemistry work. It wasn't one of her better classes and one where she usually pulled Bs. Not B+s but just flat old B.

Michelle scooted closer to Joe and craned her neck a bit trying to see what was happening.

High Fashion, High Prices
Mara leaned back against a glass jewelry case. Her arms were straight out behind her while her legs kept her propped up at an angle with her ankles crossed. She rolled her eyes at at Frank's comments.

He went on to talk about a list of his perversions. Mara frowned.

"Gross," she whispered harshly.

Finn went ahead and took the stuffing out of him and she was glad for it. She couldn't possibly care less about what Frank was doing with his day or whatever he did with his mother. Finn just said what she was thinking and it was succinct. She stood up and stretched.

"Amen," she said after Finn was done.

Kat walked away and Mara gave a bit of a half hearted wave. However the next thing that she registered was that Frank was speaking in Spanish. It must have been meant for her because very quickly into his rant it became evident that it was about her.

She stood up straight. Her fists were clenched and her eyes smoldered. She could feel the heat filling up her space and looked up at the boy with a feral look.

"You filthy peasant. How dare you," she hissed. "How dare you call me a weirdo. A freak. I know about you. You think you're a gentleman. But you're just a sad, pathetic chump who uses chivalry as an excuse to be a spineless loser. And no girl is ever going to want a stupid spineless loser like you."

Mara took a small plastic looking container out of her purpose and banged it three times strongly against the glass case behind her.

"So don't you dare to speak to me you sad, slovenly dimwit. Or I'll burn you."

Mara walked right up to Frank. She opened the case, a blush case, with the blush now pulverized and broken up into powdery pieces and quickly let out a sharp breath, covering Frank in the pink, shimmery powder.

"Now who's the freak?!" she seethed and stomped away.

((Mara Montalvo continued in No One Talks About It))

It's Traditional To Nap In Gazebos
Michelle tried to duck her head down to peer up at Joe. It was difficult to see his face sometimes so it required some positioning on her part. She found his sort of twitchy nervousness kind of endearing. He reminded her of a rabbit she used to have when Robert brought one home from his job at the pet store. Laces the rabbit.

She softened a little when he seemed to also not want to spend a lot of time at home. She didn't know much about the guy, but she saw how hard he studied and she saw him start screaming in the middle of the test last year. It didn't take a genius to figure out something was up at home. Normal people didn't wig out like that. She felt sort of protective at that moment.

Or she was until she heard Gavin's comment.


Michelle stared dumfounded for a few seconds, looking rather silly with the chips in her hand.

"A- ah...um"

Michelle stared open mouthed and red faced with one finger pointing at her own chest as if to say "Me?". Her eyes discretely slid back and forth as though looking for some other girl in the gazebo holding chips that he might be referring to.

She was completely unused to someone telling her she was beautiful, well, someone other than Kam and of course Kam said that she'd probably had love goggles on. It wasn't something she got often. Sure she was cute but with all the supremely pretty girls at Bayview, Bianca, Stacy, Naomi, Andi, Rebecca, why would anyone think twice about the chick with the torn up jeans and no shoes?

"Uhhh...well, if I see one of those I'll let you know, but if you want I've got chips too," she said handing him the small pack of chips.


"Er, I'm not so great at chemistry either so if you want maybe we can flashcard or something later?" she asked Joe.



It's Traditional To Nap In Gazebos
"It was a joke, see? Because I know you study so much. I guess I didn't do it right so that's my fault," she giggled.

Michelle sat down next to Joe and placed her backpack on her lap. She opened it up and started digging around inside.

"Sorry I got you wet. I was just at morning swim practice. There's a morning one for people who are too busy or having something happening during the afternoon one. Sometimes I do, but sometimes I just like to minimize my time at home and leave early. That second one is today."

Michelle succeeded in producing a second yogurt tube. She tilted her head to the side, shifting the hair away from her face and held it out to Joe.

"It'll help you wake up to get some sugar in you. And yogurt's full of good bacteria. And it's got a pun for a name, so you can't beat that! Yogurt. Go. Go yogurt. Go-gurt? Cause it's portable!"

Michelle giggled again, this time accidentally snorting a bit and trying to stifle the laugh when she was embarrassed. As the sound tailed off she remembered the other person with them. She glanced up hesitantly.

"Um, I only had two yogurts but I guess if you're hungry I've got...um....a granola bar.....a snack pack sized pringles, a plastic bag of frosted flakes....a box of raisins..."

True they weren't familiar but Michelle sort of had a compulsion to offer something to all if she offered something to one. Sort of a "if you bring something, bring enough for the whole class" mentality.

"I'm Michelle by the way."

Magic Man
"Mmmm."

Paris put the index and middle finger of his right hand up to the spot right between his eyes and looked down thoughtfully for a moment. His tapped the space on his forehead for a few moments before looking back up suddenly.

"Yeah, I know a few. Sympathy for the Devil, Paint it Black, Brown Sugar, Start Me Up, Satisfaction? I'm partial to Paint it Black and Brown Sugar but it's ladies choice."

He was aware somewhat on the periphery of his attention that there was some quarrel between Jessica and the other girl. He took a moment to think about it and decided to intervene gently.

"Indeed they are, Adam. It breaks my heart to see musicians break guitars at concerts. It's an awful waste, I think. Jessica, you've got good taste in licks but I think we've got a request for something more classic."

Get off my cloud, hu? Paris was fuzzy on that one. He started tapping his foot and hummed a flat note.

"I said hey, hey, you, you...."

Gradually it was a hum that sounded more like the song. He nodded, having remembered the melody.

"We could. What do you say, Rosemary? And as a benefit to our other guest, Veronica, you can have choice of the next one," he said with a smile.