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Giuliano Giovanni
Welcome, valued new person! Let me apologize for the wait since it looks like you've been in the line for awhile. My name is Ruggahissy, I will be your moderator for this critique. I want to say up front I really like this profile. A few changes your character will be prepped and ready for pre game!

Hobbies and interests

Can you take out the parenthetical phrases? You can elaborate on the hobbies and stuff in the profile. Also " having a good time with friends" is a little vague. Everyone likes to have good times with friends. If they do something in particular, you can put that down instead.


- " 176 cm in height" The kids are American so just go ahead and convert that into feet and inches (sorry for making you use the inferior height system)
- Gonna ask for a little more detail in the face by way of nose/lips/brows
- What kind of rings/necklaces does he wear? Are they religious or have some kind of theme?


" vaguely successful family restaurant"
Nitpick here, you might want "moderately" instead of "vaguely"

"Alessandra is the oldest, and 17"
Maybe mention upfront that this is his twin sister

"catholic Christian"
Catholic should be capitalized.

- There is no info on the parents. No names or info about what they do at the restaurant or how he relates to them. Add those in, it will help us figure out what his life is like over all.

"Giuliano's identical twin sister Alessandra's"
There's actually no such things as identical twins that are different genders. They are fraternal twins, but they may look similar because, well, they are still siblings. Identical twins form from the same zygote and can only be the same gender. There is one exception, wherein one twin drops the Y chromosome and becomes a girl with a single X, but then she would have Turner syndrome which has side effects like infertility, which Alessandra clearly doesn't have.

"until her good-for-nothing boyfriend "
These profiles are written by omniscient terrorists compiling files on the kids. They don't care too much either way about what happened to them, so the tone should be factual.

"she got an abortion"
I gather from what happens afterward that her family was not ok with this. Can I get a little elaboration on their reaction? Most important: how did Giuliano feel about his sister's situation, the family reaction and the aftermath? Important life events and the character's reaction really help us understand the character's personality and this is a great, and realistic, way to tell us more about Giuliano.

"Giuliano is a practicing bisexual"
Probably would just say "bisexual." This is also another thing I'd like to know more about to see how it effects Giuliano. When did he first start thinking he might be bisexual? How does he feel about having to keep it a secret? Is he someone who wants to someday be able to date whoever he wants or is he hoping to shove this feeling back down? Is he afraid his family would kick him out like they did to his sister?

- I love the paragraph about his personality quirks. This stuff is great and makes him feel real.

- For hobbies we usually ask for one short paragraph per hobby. Include how he first got int the hobby, what he does to participate in that hobby and what he likes about it. Pretty much all the hobbies need this so go ahead and throw that in. Though I think there's enough to justify the longbow stuff, it would help for cards and anime.

"He builds his own self-esteem on his good lucks"
You mean good looks?

"and successful one-night-stands, and feels superior to his bigoted parents. "

Eh ya! Like, I read that and literally went "EEEEE YA?" Ok, so Guiliano is flirtatious in a serious way. In the earlier paragraph talking about that I thought he was just joking around with people. So maybe make that clear? Also....I assume he has to hide this from his parents too. Maybe his fitness and looks are something you could elaborate on too?

- What does Guiliano want to do after high school? Any job ambitions?

- How does he relate to his other sisters and parents?

Ok, there will be some more notes on bio after advantages/disadvantages


Take out the long bow bit. SOTF doesn't give out bows and arrows. However, being skilled at that might have other advantages. He might have decent aim and his arm strength might be good as a result.


"People who aren't used to his personality may become annoyed or freaked out by his jokes depending on their level of naiveté"

I actually really like this and was wondering about this in the bio. Like "do people get weirded out by his overtly sexual nature?" So maybe put something in the bio about how people react to him.


I think this is actually a fabulous base, especially for someone's first profile. I'm genuinely interested in knowing more about Guliano which is what I think you should put into the profile. What I really want to know is how his family's beliefs make him feel and more detail about his relationship with Allessandra. Do his parents know he spends all this time with her? Are they ok with it? Is he afraid he might end up cut off like her? How did he felt when they threw her out and what is he risking by spending so much time with her? Is he taking additional risks by being so sexual and is he open with others about his bisxuality? If so, is he careful not to let this get back to his parents? I would imagine it's a constant fear that he could end up like his sister.

All this stuff is complicated and would mold parts of his personality. Post when edits are made and I'll give it another look!

Ben Fields
I love you. Also sorry for the wait.

Ben Fields
Hey, I'm like, a bad person. This will be done this weekend (internet was out at the house for a little and work junk. )

Caleb Diamond
Name: Caleb Diamond
Gender: Male
Age: 18
Grade: Senior
School: Cochise High School
Hobbies and Interests: Classic video games, skateboarding, chemistry, internet culture

Appearance: Caleb is 6’0 standing up straight, but he rarely does that, usually walking around hunched over which gives him the appearance of being around 5’9’. He is an average weight of 150 pounds and though he is not fat he doesn’t look very muscular either.

Caleb has dirty blond hair that is usually covered by a gray beanie, but on the rare occasion he is seen without it his hair is messy and reaches the middle of his ears. He has expressive blue eyes, a straight medium sized nose and straight teeth all on an oval shaped face. His skin is slightly tanned on the exposed parts of his arms, face, neck and past his knees. On the rare occasion he removes his shirt for swimming or changing, his naturally light peachy complexion is revealed. Like his hair his eyebrows are dirty blond. Overall his face would look cute in a boyish way if he didn't insist on frowning and wearing his ratty beanie.

He dresses very casually in t-shirts with slogans on them, jeans, or long shorts, and sneakers. His clothes will usually be clean at the insistence of his mother, but often look a bit worn or dingy. His general appearance is that of someone who doesn't put a lot of stock into how he looks. He doesn't see a point to it when there's already a cleaned up exact duplicate of himself wandering around. He tries to differentiate from his twin's appearance as much as possible so as not to draw comparisons between the two. Besides his clothes and expression, one of the ways he tries to further discourage comparison is with his lazy slouch.

Biography: Caleb was born 4 minutes after his identical twin brother Andrew on October 30th to William and Leena in Kingman Arizona. Their little brother James was born four years later.

Caleb, Andy and James live in a middle class area of Kingman and although their family must operate on a budget, they never wanted for anything. William works as the manager at a Bank of America and Leena is an electrician.

Leena has more flexible hours, working whenever there is a repair for her to do and spent more time with the boys than their father. Though he is busy, he loves his sons dearly and both parents are encouraging and try to treat their children like adults, making sure not to talk down to them.

Starting in elementary school the twins were very close, staying near each other most of the time. Eventually Andy began to be more adventurous and developed into an extrovert while Caleb was always more introverted. He tended to cling more to his brother and the strange sense of humor they developed between the two of them didn’t translate as well to his classmates.

The boys didn’t really have much interest in television since their parents didn’t want to purchase cable. If they ever had a question about something, rather than tell them the answer their parents encouraged them to look the answers up on their own. Caleb and Andy became self-taught in many things, mostly having to do with history and current events. This continues today and was Caleb’s first foray into the internet. They were both very naturally intelligent had voracious appetites for knowledge. Seeing their aptitude for math and science in elementary school, William and Leena bought the boys all sorts of educational toys. Andy was inseparable from a toy set that tasked children with building a small clock while Caleb was fascinated by the children’s chemistry set. The volcano from the set is still in his room today.

Moving into middle school, their father realized that the lack of time he was spending with the boys was putting a wedge between them. He started to share his collection of old video games. Though all three siblings like gaming, Caleb was the one who became the best at video games. Moving into his teen years he developed very bad insomnia. It began gradually, with Caleb finding himself staying awake later and later at night. After two months he was only able to get 3 hours of sleep a night at most. The quality of his school work the later half of freshman year dipped. He became extremely irritable and after screaming at his younger brother for a minor annoyance and making him cry, his parents decided to take him to a doctor. Caleb was grateful for any thing that might provide reprieve from his insomnia and had a very good understanding of medications, so was not hesitant to be prescribed sleeping aids. His problems are resolved now and he sleeps the appropriate amount of hours. While dealing with the insomnia, Caleb playing Metroid, Zelda and early Final Fantasy games helped alleviate the boredom. Even though he no longer spend hours awake, but he still goes back to video games when he’s bored because he likes having something to concentrate on and secretly likes the cute, pixilated aspects of the games, adoring Ricky the kangaroo from Zelda the most.

All of the siblings skate board, since it is something both of their parents share. Sometimes the entire family will go out on the weekend to the skate park and do tricks. This started when the twins were about nine. Caleb is decent at it and enjoys it as the one somewhat physical activity he does better than the average person at. He doesn’t care particularly about showing off tricks, but he likes wheeling around as a fast mode of transport and if he’s on a family outing, he enjoys trying new tricks to have another move for his skill set. These days he can often be seen skateboarding to and around school, or pushing himself leisurely while walking with someone.

During the summer between middle school and first year of high school two events simultaneously occurred. His uncle Jerry, the brother of his father, came to stay with the family for a few weeks following a trip to rehab for heroin addiction. A few days later Caleb fell off his skateboard and broke his leg. He was reduced to spending most of the time inside while his brothers went outside and his parents worked. During that time he bonded with his uncle and the two played videogames. One morning the family woke up to find Jerry gone and some expensive electronics missing. It was nothing that couldn’t be easily replaced, but Caleb’s was hurt deeply and his expectations of people in generally significantly lowered.

Going into high school he was separated from his brother Andy more than ever by having completely different class schedules. Caleb dedicates himself wholly to chemistry and is known for doing people’s chemistry homework in exchange for a free lunch. He's good enough at chemistry that it's little strain to him. In addition to that he is terrible at putting together his own lunches while also being a big eater. Left to his own devices, Caleb will make himself two pieces of bread with butter to take for lunch, so he's highly susceptible to food bribes for homework. If he strongly dislikes someone, he will refuse to do the homework even when offered a food payment.

He has a very prickly exterior and will greet most people with an insult. Some people find him to be mean, but those that know him better know that he’s joking and find him to be pretty funny. However, even those people who know him well say it seems like he’s always kidding around. Caleb uses this as a way to protect himself and rarely tells people if he’s feeling down. He has poor self esteem because he feels that he’s not as popular as his more outgoing twin and isn’t willing to open up much to other people for fear of betrayal.

Now that he and his brother are older they still spend a lot of time on the internet, but their learning is now coupled with going to different blogs and internet communities. Caleb spends a lot of time on 4chan and reddit, mostly looking for things he thinks are funny and trying to post funny things himself.

Now that they are done with junior year Andy has proven himself very adept at mechanical engineering while Caleb leans more and more to chemistry. Caleb finds it fascinating as ever and feels that people should know about the things around them and how to manipulate them. He hopes to go to the University of Las Vegas and aspires to doing pharmaceutical research.

Caleb has a decent amount of friends, but nowhere near the broad group his brother has. He often looks slovenly to contrast his brother’s preppy style and is always slouching. He appears to be selfish at first, rarely offering to help with anything and being the first to declare “Not my problem” but if pushed, he will help a friend in need. He has had a few crushes on girls here and there, but finds it too frightening to open up enough to form a relationship.

Advantages: He is intelligent, agile and not swayed by sentiment. He is not likely to do something risky to protect someone else. His knowledge of medications might be useful. He doesn’t trust others easily and is skeptical.
Disadvantages He suffers from insomnia and without his medication after three days he becomes irritable and isn’t likely to make as good decisions. He may not be well liked among peers who find him to be rude. He isn’t very strong. There aren’t many people he feels he can rely on.

Ben Fields
Looking better but we still have some issues


"his facial shape is normal,"

- "normal" is not a shape. Typical face shapes are rounded, oval, heart shaped, square jawed. There are others. This will affect what his face looks like. Someone with the same features on a round baby-face looks different than someone with an angular, oval face.


- We have an interesting problem with the occupations of the mother. His mom is a teacher at the local high school. The local high school is Cochise, though there are some other schools nearby. However, which school it is isn't mentioned. This presents a few problems, like creating a new teacher NPC without staff approval and also if his mother is chaperoning the trip (no mention what subject she teachers) then she gonna die. In short, she can't be a high school teacher at Cochise. If she is still a teacher at another nearby high school, she needs a subject she teaches.

"Ben deeply cares about his family, and makes sure no trouble comes their way."

Still not seeing how a small child up to teen makes sure trouble doesn't befall his family. Given his father is dead, he's not that good at it.

"He also had a social temperament that always meant that he could be the centre of attention both in and out of the playground."

How? Is he an attention seeker or is he just someone very social? This makes it sound like he's a bit of the "LOOK AT ME LOOK AT ME" type of child. If he is, let us know.

This wasn't answered from last critique Past!Rugga: "- The baseball bit skips from elementary when he first started playing to high school. Did he join the middle school team or keep on in little league or something?"

So...I'd like to know more about the parents. The homophobia comes kind of out of nowhere, but as an elementary school kid (so between ages 5 and 11) that's something you'd pick up from your parents. Are they homophobic? What do they believe re:religion? Also I'd like to know why they decided not to tell their son that the father was dying. It's a poor decision, but people make bad decisions all the time so it's not impossible that someone would do that.

I want to know more about how the death affected Ben and why he reacts this way. It's something I'm genuinely curious about and taking the time to map it out would yield big benefits towards his island behavior later. Why does he withdraw? Is he afraid of making new friends now because he's afraid he'll just lose them? Is it because he wants to put on a strong front as the face of the family and thinks he wouldn't be able to keep it together if he interacted too much with others? It's interesting stuff and I want to know how this traumatic event changed the way he behaves. Similarly, is he upset they didn't tell him? Does he do these chores dutifully or is he resentful that he's the man of the house? Is he sympathetic to his mother or does he feel like she's a bad caretaker, so it's up to him to look out for Lauren because adults haven't served them well and lied to them?

"It was at this point where his homophobia began to develop."

Er, no. It was mentioned way back in the elementary school paragraphs. However, if you want to make it a result of social pressures back in that section, that's fine too, especially since it gels with his desire to have all of the friends in elementary school.

"His sister has also become interested in Drama"

Past!Rugga "- Drama doesn't need to be capitalized "

"particularly from Cochise’s large openly gay population."

We don't actually know what the population is gonna look like yet

"or a member or the army"


END NOTES: We're getting close. Just dig more into his personality and why he does things. I actually don't know that much about how he deals with others. He seems to be an attention hog what with acting, but I'm not sure. Also, still barely anything about the sister who seems to be the closest person to him in his life.

Is he messy? Neat? Funny? Serious? Spontaneous? Cautious? Give me a little about Ben as a dude towards the end.