Welcome Guest [Log In] [Register]
DealsFor.me - The best sales, coupons, and discounts for you
Cassandra "Cassie" Venus
Almost there.

Last sticking point is going to be the cocaine.

- How often does she use?
- Why cocaine? Why not harder drugs as well?
- How has she managed to hide this from her parents? Earlier it says there are many rumors about her and that she confirms true ones as true and the town isn't terribly big.
- Cocaine is expensive. In my neck of the woods the schools with reputations for wealthy kids did cocaine. So how is this being procured?

"Cassie's parents are okay with her going to parties, however, this is mostly because Cassie never tells them what she gets up to when she is out. "

How late is she staying out? On school nights? How often? If she comes home at 3am four days out of the week one would think her parents would notice and either say something or they have a weird life philosophy that makes them cool with that or they are quite oblivious

- Also should have mentioned earlier but elementary schools don't have specialized teachers for subjects. Mom would not be a geography teacher at the level. She'd just be an all purposes, all subject teacher for a grade.

I think that's the last of it. Didn't quite manage a 24 hour turn around, but faster than before >_>

Ben Fields
Howdy! I'm Ruggalug and I'm your moderator.


Slightly confused about his hair style. Do the spikes go out so he looks like a land mine or are they sectioned pieces stuck to his head?

- His eyes would just be a very dark brown that appears black

- Some more info on his face would be nice. What does his nose look like? Lips? Eyebrows? Face shape?

- What's his body look like other than the good posture?

"He makes sure to dress to impress when the time’s important, though, having several pairs of formal attire, such as tuxedos."

Seems a weird choice for "impressing" clothes. Tuxes are usually only worn at formal events. Suits would probably fit better here.


"Ben deeply cares about his remaining family, and makes sure no trouble comes their way."

This is odd. "Remaining family" implies he had more family before which are now gone. Did someone die? How would Ben as a child make sure no trouble befalls the family? Future~Rugga: So I got to the end of the profile and the father is dead. Might either want to mention that upfront so this part makes sense or save it until after dad dies to explain his change in attitude. Probably the second one.

- What do his parents do for a living?

"In elementary school, Ben was noted for being an incredibly smart student, with an attention and interest for detail and a social temperament that always meant that he could be the centre of attention both in and out of the playground."

Sentence is a bit long and sort of clunky. Rework it to be split up and more concise?

"He also discovered his interest for baseball during this time, and it developed into an on and off hobby for him."

Should be "on-and-off" and cut out the "for him" at the end.

- The baseball bit skips from elementary when he first started playing to high school. Did he join the middle school team or keep on in little league or something?

"Around this time, he also gained an interest in history."

Which time did he start being interesting in history? The last paragraph starts with saying he got into baseball in elementary school but ends with him in high school so I don't know which "time" this one is referring to.

- How does he engage in his hobby of history? Does he read a lot of books about the topics? Has he joined a club or listen to podcasts or do something else? Hobbies are a way people spend their time, so how does he spend his time with history?

- What does he like about military history? How does his interests in history reflect on his personality? How does his family feel about his desire to join the military? Why does he want to join the military?

"During Elementary School,"

Elementary school doesn't need to be capitalized.

- So if he's never gotten into any fights with bullies how do people know he's willing to fight them?

" despite the homophobia he developed, and will not tolerate bullying if he sees it in the hallways."

Woah, stop the car. Since when is he homophobic? This is the first mention I've seen of it in the profile unless I fell asleep in the middle some time. Why is he homophobic and where did the belief come from? How does he express this since he's so anti-bullying?

- So his dad didn't do chemo or sugary that might have clued the kid in to the fact that something was up?

- Law doesn't need to be capitalized

"To him, the only downside is that if he isn’t good enough at it, he’ll either let a guilty man free or an innocent man in jail."

So for those who don't know a lot about law, both of those things are possible if you are good at your job. As a defense attorney especially there's the possibility of knowing your client is guilty and still doing your best to get them to go free because that's what you are paid to do.

In the same subject of the LAW, this means he specifically wants to be a criminal lawyer. Civil cases don't involve jail time. So what has he done to this point to get ready for career in law and the way I'm reading it, it seems like he wants to do it mostly for the money. Is that a correct assumption.

- Also when did he develop and interest in this? The profile kind of jumps all over the place with time since in the next paragraph we've jumped ahead to high school.

- Elementary school, middle school and high school don't need to be capitalized

- Drama doesn't need to be capitalized

- Why does he like acting? When did he pick up this hobby?

- When did he start picking up rapping as a hobby, why does he like it/ what does he get out of it and what does he rap about?

Now that I've reached the end I realize that he has two conflicting life dreams: join the military and become a lawyer. So....which does he want?



END NOTES: So the most confusing thing in here is how he can be so staunchly anti-bully while being a homophobe. Doesn't that cause some kind of internal conflict? Seems like he's a bit of hypocrite. What happens if a gay student is being bullied?

I'd also like to know more about his relationship to his parents, especially given that his father dies. How does that effect his relationships with his friends and family? It's a big life event that I'm sure would shape his personality, but there's not that much information on it.

What is his relationship to his sister Lana? She disappears from the profile after the bullying mention.

And most of your hobbies need to be expanded upon. This isn't a bad base for a character, but things are a little muddied, out of order and contradictory so it seems a bit rushed. Take a look back over, tidy and straighten everything up and then post!

Joshua Bracewell
APPROVED

Cassandra "Cassie" Venus
Sorry for the near human lifetime this took. Promise all responses will come within a 24 period from here on out.



- For my sanity please make her 115 pounds. It's just a hair underweight and she'll still be thin as a rail, but more in a healthy weight. This is for both of us, if she's less than this she'll be quick work of the elements and exhaustion.

"Whenever she discovers someone has this opinion of her, she will either try to avoid the person or be as friendly to them as possible in an attempt to sway their opinion."

These are two very different reactions. Which one does she do more or how does she decide when to ignore someone or when to be extra friendly?

"she may refuse to east some of the rations given to her"

Typo. Think you meant "eat"

- I'm still a little iffy on her parents here. So they are cool with her going to "parties"? And are fine with her doing poorly in subjects like math even though one parent is an accountant and one is a teacher? Seems strange. Is there a reason they are so blasé about her going out all the time when she doesn't do well in school?

- Also what she gets out of guitar was never answered.


That's about it. Getting close to the end.

Joshua Bracewell
Sorry about the lifetime this took. Promise under a week wait next

General information:

"Name: Bracewell, Joshua Everett"

- This isn't how the names are usually written. Joshua Everett Bracewell is how it's done so fix that.

Hobbies

"extracurricular activities"

Boy that is vague. That's like when someone goes "What do you want for dinner?" and you respond with "Food." Also as we'll read later, it doesn't sound like he enjoys most of them. It sounds like he's just piling things onto his plate to please other people.

"musical instruments"

Just go ahead and list the instruments


Appearance

Looks fine

Bio

Thanks for including a bit about the family. Can I get a little more on how he interacts with them though? How many cousins does he have and what ages are they? Are they mostly younger so he has to be a big sibling to a brood of kids? Are they older and give him a tough time or influence his growing up? Something about the aunts and uncles maybe? He doesn't have a close bond with his dad so is this the family he spends more time with and sees as more traditionally familial?

"Francesca grew up in a lower-class family with several siblings where money was a constant issue, and wants her sons to be aware of how lucky they are to be born into such a wealthy family"

So is her family still poor? Are the aunts and uncles they spend all this time with kind of slumming it? If so, how does that make Joshua feel?

"Joshua wholeheartedly believes in the goodness of other people, especially the classmates that he’s grown up around."

So you didn't answer this question from the previous critique:

Past!Rugga
 

"This took the form of forgoing private schooling for each of the boys'

There's only one private school in Kingman, it's a religious school and it only goes to 8th grade. Is this the one they are going to? Are the parents cool sending the kids to a religious Christian school?


If he's going to a private school until high school then the people he's interacting with in pre game are not the people he grew up with. He's known them 2 and a half years


- Just a note but I find it interesting that he doesn't like the flute. He only does it because people give him praise and to avoid disappointment. It gives the impression that he doesn't do things for himself, he does them so people will like him and makes him seem needy. These are good personality bits.

- This theme gets picked up again in the extra curricula's section. Are his parents concerned that he's in five billion clubs? Or I guess maybe just his mom since his dad isn't around.


- How does he deal with all this stress from trying to make people love him? How does he behave with his friends at school? Is he clingy with them?


Looking much better and some interesting facets of Joshua's personality are coming out. Post when done and I'll respond in less than an ice age

Ryuunosuke Yoshida
My apologies for the wait. Will be quicker from here on out.

- So first thing now that I'm doing a second pass on this. The family coming over in 1940 and going to an internment camp causes a lot of issues.

In 1940 there was already a pretty heavy racist sentiment against the Japanese and by February of 1942 placement in camps started. So I could not think of why of all countries this family would choose to come here in this environment.

In addition to that, families that were put in internment camps were only allowed to take what they could carry and many lost all of their possessions, homes and business. It's likely this family would be back at square one financially by the time they were released and have a huge impact on all of them, but the issue of internment is never mentioned again.

Easiest fix? Have them come over in 1955 or something. The dad isn't born until 1960 anyway.

- Speaking of the family move, did they move straight to Las Vegas or did they come to Arizona? Where did they come to live?

"Ichiro trained in making sushi, due to a family tradition of first-borns being sushi chefs, and cooking Japanese cuisine, because he loved the dishes and wanted to honor his heritage. "

This sentence is awkward. Would read better without the "and cooking Japanese cuisine" clause.

"Soon after Alexis became pregnant with their first child. "

Missing a comma after "after."

"With that Alexis and Ichiro decided to try for another child."

Missing a comma after "that."

"Since Ryuu wasn't bound by tradition Ichiro never thought about teaching him, "

Missing comma after "tradition."

"Due to the lack of possible roles Ryuu's parents allowed him to take dance lessons, ballet and hip hop in particular,"

Why did they sign him up for dance classes if he wants to act? They could probably sign him up for acting class or community theater.

"usually Mystery, Action, or Adventure,"

genres don't need capitalization

- Also the genres are interesting for an aspiring actor to take inspiration from. Action movies especially aren't usually notable for subtle, realistic acting. The genres of choice make use of very bombastic acting styles. Does he enjoy more over-the-top acting? Does he really like being loud and attracting attention with his acting?

"With so many hobbies and interests"

He doesn't have THAT much on his plate. He has no obligations towards cooking and swimming. His only real responsibilities are to acting if he's in a play and music if he's taking lessons or in band class.

"Ryuu's parents were never too involved in his school life anyway so they didn't notice if his grades didn't deteriorate."

Get rid of "anyway." It's a bit informal and it's redundant.

- is there a reason this family lives in Kingman if the dad works in Vegas and the mom doesn't work? Why not just move to Vegas, where he has been working since the kids were born? I'm under the impression the kids were born in Vegas and Ryuunoske wants to move anyway. Why are they in Arizona at all?

- I wish I could see an example of someone taking advantage of him because he's too trusting.

- On examples, could you give us an idea of what books/movies/music he likes in the appropriate paragraphs? It would add some character to know if he likes Con Air or if his favorite band is Arcade Fire or what have you.

"Ryuu is a good actor, that paired with being well liked by his classmates would allow for him to manipulate people easier; he has the skills to be convincing and they would want to believe he was telling the truth anyway. "

- This is a really clunky sentence. Maybe break it up into parts.

That's about it. More grammar on this pass. I feel like I've gotten a bit of a better handle on what Ryu is like. The most helpful paragraph was the one about how he tries to be respectful even to people he doesn't like.


Lemme know when these are done and I'll respond in less than a lifetime.

Ryuunosuke Yoshida
Apologies, I've been busy and fallen ill. Will do this tomorrow

Cassandra "Cassie" Venus
Howdy! I'm Ruggahissy as you may remember. Cassandra is denied for right now, but we'll work on it til she's un-denied

Hobbies and Interests

"Partying, socializing"

More on these later.

"concerts and festivals"

These are music concerts and festivals. So I'd say these fall under the header of "music"

"art."

Bit vague. I believe the profile says specifically drawing and painting, but it could use more elaboration discussed further below.

Appearance

"Cassie is 5’7” and has a very slim build, weighing only 97 pounds as a result of her eating disorder."

I know that she has an eating disorder, but this is severely underweight and near-skeletal. I'll probably ask about this later with a "why hasn't anyone addressed this?"

- Eye shape?

Biography

- What does her mom teach exactly?

- What does she like or get out of playing the guitar? Is making it big in a band her life ambition or something to do on the side? Does the brother just perform in the band or does he have some day job or degree he's working towards?

- Carefree is one word.

" However, there are some people that find her up-beat, care-free attitude annoying which has caused some people to dislike her."

- Does she notice that some people find her annoying? If she does, how does she feel about that or respond?

"Cassie puts having fun over all other things, "

- So are we to assume that academics are also on the back burner? Are her grades suffering from this life philosophy?

" Over the course of her art lessons,"

Nitpick but these would just be art classes if she's signing up for them at school as an elective, unless she's getting lessons outside of school.

- I'd like to know what she likes to draw or paint or take pictures of. She's not a deep thinker and doesn't like to be introspective. Does she just like making pretty things? Is it another facet of her being superficial? Also on the photography, did she save up and spring for a DSLR?

"such as her friends in the band she joined."

When did that happen? Who's in the band?

"On most occasions though, these opinions were from pupils who didn’t directly know her, and the majority of the time she was able to change people’s impressions of her for the better once she interacts with them."

I'd probably go with "many times" to avoid saying that she's successful most of the time since we don't know how other pre-gamers will react.

"At these parties she was also introduced to drugs and alcohol."

How hard of drugs are we talking here? Pot or like, black tar heroin?

" This was due to the mischief she would end up getting into at the parties, as well as her developing a try anything once attitude."

Mischief like what? Beer pong or four-way on black tar heroin?



- About Cassandra's selective eating disorder. This is something that pretty much affects children. It can last into adulthood, but it won't start there and 14 is very late for it to start. By 14 you would have already tried a large variety of foods and that's pretty much what you'll be eating for the rest of your life. So that's problem 1

Problem 2 is that people with selective eating disorder won't become frighteningly underweight like Cassandra is. If someone will ONLY eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches then they'll eat a ton of them to where their body can sustain itself on that diet.

Problem 3 is that all you've said she won't eat is meat. So she's essentially a vegetarian. My best friend is a vegetarian and is quiet a healthy weight. Most vegetarians are.

Problem 4 is that there is therapy available to people who have selective eating for people who have it into adulthood, which she seems to be getting. You said yourself she's improving, so double on the point she wouldn't be so scarily thin.

- Are her parents cool with her partying ways? You were pretty vague on what "partying" exactly entails, but if she's snorting coke and having group sex and these rumors are widely spread and she acknowledges them to be true I'd imagine there would be some frowny faces from her parents. If there aren't frowny faces, why not?

- Are they also cool with her having poor grades in nearly everything? I mean, one parent is an accountant and one is a teacher. What affect does that have on her home life?

- There's no mention of her future aspirations, goals, hopes or dreams. What does she want to do with her life?


Advantages and Disadvantages

In advantages, her behavior regarding friends shows that she's fairly selfish. She'd rather have a good time than help friends with their problems. This can actually work in her favor. Selfishness and disregarding the feelings of others are assets in this game.

In disadvantages it seems like she's not that smart. Sorry to say, but if she is terrible at every subject and regularly receives C minuses in everything that's not art....that would be the conclusion I would come to. This might be something to elaborate on in the profile.

Also in disadvantages, it mentions in the bio that she doesn't like to deal with unpleasant things and usually just pushes them away and ignores them. How is she going to cope with SOTF which is 100% full throttle unpleasant things ?

Also: students are given calorie rich meal bars to make sure they don't starve. I don't know what sorts of things she won't eat. Right now the only thing that is explicitly stated she won't eat is meat. If she has some problem with tasteless calorie bars, she'll starve, especially at her scarily thin weight.


END NOTES

This could be the fountain for a very dark character. Someone who would rather be a hedonist than actually empathize with people because that brings her down. She's shallow as a puddle, but in a sinister way because she's fiercely protective of her good time to the point where people who harsh her buzz can jump off a bridge. Or at least that's the impression I've got of her.

If that's not the impression you want people to have, maybe change it? If it IS the impression you want people to have, elaborate a little more on those issues.

I think you'd do well to just take out the selective eating disorder since it doesn't add much to the character, but if you'd like to do the additional leg work, that's up to you.


Lemme know when it's posted!

Bridgette Sommerfeld
Lookin' mighty fine. And I do think you've improved greatly. APPROVED