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Bridgette Sommerfeld
WE'RE DOING IT. WE'RE MAKING IT HAPPEN. This looks much better and I have a better handle on Bridgette as a person. Couple things now that we're getting into the smaller stuff:

- I'm wondering how being the youngest and picked on a lot affected her.

- In being against other kids' partying ways, is she generally judgmental? It says she keeps her mouth shut a lot, so is she the type of person to think certain things about people but not say them? Is she non-confrontational as a person?

- it says all her hobbies cause her stress but it seems the art club would be a source of stress relief.

- If she likes scifi and fantasy books and movies, maybe put that in hobbies? Also tell me what she likes about them. Is it escapism from her stressful life? I can at least kind of see right now the sci-fi since she's interested in science.

- There's not much on why she joined student council. Is it because she likes to help people? Is it because she likes bossing people around? Is it because she thinks no one else will do the job as well as she will?

- A little more on her chosen career path would be good


I'd just like to pull out a little more so I can have a full picture of her as a person, but we're really close as is and it's a good profile.

Joshua Bracewell
Howdy howdy. I'll be your Ruggahissy, sorry for the delay. Joshua is denied for right now pending some changes and tweaks. Follow me to the critique


-It's just a personal preference but could you remove the years and age in the brackets? There's no set format so you can write it out or use the numbers, but I don't think we need both.

Appearance

I'm not sure "imposing" is the right word. He's pretty thin.

"and can often be seen adorned by his retainer."

So does he wear a retainer during the day? Is it one of those metal ones or clear invisible ones?

" Joshua’s hair consists of a mop of thick ringlets that are naturally platinum blonde in colour "

Platinum blond (nitpick that blonde refers to females and blond to males) isn't really a color that exists in nature. "Platinum blonde" refers to the color of bleached hair. If it's naturally a light blond it would be that or tow-headed.

It's rare to have naturally white-blond hair and dark black brows and lashes. But not impossible.

"while he prefers to dress smartly and always makes a concerted effort to look his best," no comma after best. Put a period down and make a new sentence.

"He has a soft spot for sweaters and scarves, and it’s unusual to see him without one draped across his person, no matter the weather. "

The weather is going to be relevant here. Arizona is in a desert. Like, an even hotter deserter than the one I grew up in. It's 31C in Kingman Arizona right at this moment according to Google and it's not even summer yet. What I'm saying is that he's is going to be sweating, gross and sticky if he's wearing a sweater or scarves if it's not winter.

Biography

"However, a healthy disregard for contraception by both his parents led to his mother’s pregnancy and his subsequent birth on the 19th of October"

This might be personal preference but "healthy disregard for contraception" sounds weird. Disregarding contraception isn't healthy if you don't want more kids. Did they really want to stop having kids or were they okay with it? How'd an unexpected kid affect them? They have another kid after that so either they want more kids or they are TERRIBLE at contraception.

" Elliot working as the CEO of a successful pharmaceutical company and Francesca as a former supermodel and current fashion magazine columnist."

So there's obviously not big pharmaceutical company in Kingman and no fashion magazines either. Francesca might be able to do her job remotely but Elliot won't. So is he just away a lot of the time? He'll have to be. How would having a father who is out of town working a lot make the family feel?

"The family has chosen to reside in Kingman rather than a more affluent area as it’s where Francesca’s family has lived for several generations, and both of Joshua’s parents want their children to be close to their grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins – especially as Elliot has no siblings himself, and his own parents are deceased."

Confused here. I thought her family was Thaitian. What are THEY doing in Kingman? Also this is the whole reason they move to this town, but other relatives aren't mentioned anywhere in the whole bio. There's not even one other mention of other family besides the immediate Bracewell kids and parents. To say that the whole reason they moved here was to be with these people, I need a lot more about these people to sell the reason.

"This took the form of forgoing private schooling for each of the boys'

There's only one private school in Kingman, it's a religious school and it only goes to 8th grade. Is this the one they are going to? Are the parents cool sending the kids to a religious Christian school?

- This is gonna be a thing for most of the profile and in fact, has been a thing for most of the other profiles that I've seen floating around. Why does Joshua like doing community work? What is it that he gets out of the activity. Having hobbies is great, but I can't get a handle on the personality of a kid unless I know why they like the stuff they like, or at least what they get out of it that makes them enjoy it.

" Joshua having recently graduated to Level Eight for the flute"

When did they start getting lessons? How did Joshua feel about that? It makes it seem like the lessons were just sort of pushed on them. Does he like the piano? Why the flute? What kind of music does he like to play or listen to and why?

"hypoglycaemia and lactose intolerance"

Hypoglycemia is low blood sugar and is usually symptomatic of something else. Or else he just needs to drink some extra orange juice sometimes. Is there something causing it? Also lactose intolerance isn't really a health issue significant enough to be a disadvantage later on and isn't really very serious.

"While initially average at the sport, his natural enthusiasm drove him to practice with enough regularity that by his junior year he’s become truly proficient at i"

Again, why does he like it and what does he get from it? Is he a generally enthusiastic person? Is this unusual? Was he athletic beforehand?

"His interest in cats doesn’t end there, as he owns several pieces of stationary and clothing that features feline artwork, and often fawns over his friends’ cats whenever he sees them."

The extent of his interest in cats appears to be that he has cats, has some cat t-shirts and likes to pet other people's cats. Outside of taking care of his cats, this isn't really a hobby.

"Due largely to his parents’ wishes for him to take advantage of any privileges afforded to him, Joshua began to throw himself into any activities available to him, not wanting to waste any of the opportunities less-fortunate kids weren't afforded. "

So how does he feel about his money? Kingman isn't a very wealthy place so this would be an anomaly of a family. How does he feel about being made to do a lot of activities?

"is head of the school yearbook committee,"

Heads of teams and clubs are chosen by vote later on in pre-game by the other members in the team or club.

"nd although some people have accosted him for trusting too much their warnings have fallen on deaf ears the majority of the time."

This passage is odd. Is there something that demonstrates this trusting nature to an unadvised level? Is he taken advantage of a lot? Do people abuse his trusting nature? If so, how does that affect him? Can kids easily play on his sympathies to get things out of him?

"This regular use of coffee, energy drinks"

Woah. Energy drinks are like the sugariest things on the planet and coffee is super caffeinated. He has hypoglycemia. He's going to die before he gets to the island at this rate. You never specified what kind of hypoglycemia he has and as I mentioned, it's often a symptom of something else. If we assume he has the most mild kind of hypoglycemia which is just that on it's own, reactive hypoglycemia, he should not be drinking energy drinks or coffee.

From Livestrong:

"Energy drinks are also to be avoided in the reactive hypoglycemic individual because of the sugar and the caffeine they contain. These substances, although briefing raising sugar levels, cannot keep the body from using muscle protein to feed sugar-deprived brain cells."

"Although alcohol, sweetened sodas and fruit juice are to be avoided in a reactive hypoglycemic diet, coffee, tea and chocolate drinks must also be shunned or limited.

Caffeine, present in coffee, chocolate and green tea, rather than helping restore glucose balance, may only aggravate this condition."


"This regular use of coffee, energy drinks, and the like has further exacerbated his hyperactive and energetic demeanor"

Reactive hypoglycemia would actually make him the opposite of those things. If your blood sugar goes low after 3 to 4 hours with the condition symptoms include irritability, unclear thinking, nausea, confusion and behaving irrationally.


" Joshua intends to continue his interest in volunteering and changing the world, with plans to attend Harvard University and acquire a law degree following a gap year, during which time he wishes to volunteer overseas."

Why law? Where overseas? What does this guy want his life to be like?

Advantages and Disadvantages

"is decently well-liked by most of his peers"

This skirts the line a little close to God modding for my liking. Would probably be better to say "well-liked by many of his peers."

"He’s been taught by his parents to take advantage of any opportunities given to him, meaning he’s unlikely to flake when it comes to making important decisions."

I'm not really seeing the connection between being told to do a lot of activities because he has access to them and responsibility. Are you saying he's responsible? Is he? If he is, talk about it in the bio.

"He has several health issues and numerous allergies, which could prove deadly to him on the island without adequate care"

Out of all the health issues he has the only ones that would pose a threat are bees and his hypoglycemia if you choose to keep it. He doesn't have to be worried about running up against a lot of attackers with cheese or peanuts or antibiotics.

"Joshua has rarely had to deal with stressful situations in his lifetime, and thusly lacks any coping mechanisms for them."

I would disagree. Isn't he in like, all of the clubs ever and maintaining good grades? That has to be stressful at times, it's a large workload.


END NOTES

Joshua could use a bit more depth of personality and if I have to be honest, he's a little Sue-ish right now. He's got a heart of gold, is beloved by everyone, is super model handsome (literally, his mother is a super model), he's rich, is smart enough to get into Harvard, he's a star athlete, he's artistic. His main problem is that he is too good of a guy, but it doesn't seem to have ever bitten him in the butt. His biggest life obstacle at the moment is cheese.

If you could maybe...even out his outrageous advantages in life and make the changes, that would be great.








Bridgette Sommerfeld
Howdy Aloha! It's me, Ruggahissy, and I'll be, taking a look-see (I tried to rhyme)

Hobbies

- Student council only gets a cursory call-out in the profile. Why'd she join the student council?
- Is she still in art club and doing costume design? The last mention is in middle school I believe.
- So costume design, in the profile proper it doesn't ever mention that she can sew, only that she can draw. Can she actually make clothing? If so, some info on that would be good.

Appearance

- Looks great, no complaints. Moving on

Profile

- Her parents are devout Jews, but there are no synagogues or shuls in Kingman. So....if they can't attend service, how devout are we talking? I'm a lazy reform Jew who really only goes to temple on high holidays so do they hoof it all the way to Vegas?

- If you could remove the parenthesis when talking about the siblings and just use commas that'd make it look a little cleaner.


"While their comments telling her to be lucky she was in elementary school were meant to be offhand and only half-serious, Bridgette took their words seriously and began to dread the problems she’d have to face in the future."

Not sure what this means. Typo somewhere maybe?

- The chello is pretty big and expensive. Where'd she try this out/ why did she decide on that?

"She drew indiscriminately at first before slowly narrowing down her focus before exclusively drawing people and outfits"

A lot of "before"s in this sentence that make it kind of confusing. Rework this one.

- About her drawing, if she draws a lot of fantasy or sci-fi inspired stuff, does she read or watch or play anything fantasy or sci-fi themed? Why this type of clothing designing?


Advantages and Disadvantages

"She is also very rational and cautious, and wouldn’t try anything that would put herself in immediate danger. "

Would love to see this elaborated a bit in the profile as a personality trait.

"Bridgette is physically weak and isn’t in the best of shape."

Well, she can't be that weak, at least in the legs. She's a ballerina. It takes a lot of leg strength. She could probably at least run decently.

"She is not suited for surviving in nature, which may be a problem when she deals with the natural terrain. Despite her drive, Bridgette is a perfectionist and tends to get worried and stresses easily. "

What about her is not suited for surviving in nature? This is also the first time I've heard of her being a perfectionist. Put a little more about those in the profile.


END NOTES

I'd like a little more about what she gets out of each hobby so I can figure out more about her personality. It would also help to add in a little more about how she relates to the family and how she behaves around friends. I'm particularly interested in her ballet because it might explain her driven nature since you need a lot of discipline for it, but that's just conjecture on my part.

I'd also like to know if she takes on these billions activities because people push her to, or if she does it herself. If it's her, why?

Das it! Post when you've got the edits.


Ryuunosuke Yoshida
Howdy Firedog! I'm Ruggahissy, I'll be your moderator for this app. You've got a really great base right now that could use some editing and some tweaks.

Hobbies
Should be "reading books" and "watching movies." Is his hobby listening to music or playing music? List the hobbies so they are the actions he would be doing. Also more on hobbies in the bio.

Basic Info

- I know it's a real name, but it's a mouthful. This one is more a suggestion than a part of the critique but kids are lazy. Maybe think of a shortening or nick name that most kids around school would call him?

Appearance

- Looks good! All your bases covered, great job. Moving on.

Bio

- There is a whole lot of information on the parents and grandparents that you could cut down a bit. It took me 6 paragraphs in to even get to Ryuunosuke. I WOULD like a sentence on why the grandparents chose America. However past that, I really don't care that much about the dad and his journey to becoming a sushi chef. I don't really care about uncle Jirou not becoming a chef. Just the straight facts of the dad becoming a chef and then getting employment at the casino are enough. Everything from the beginning to the paragraph where the dad starts working at the casino should be condensed down a bit to just the facts of what happened, involving just the grandparents and dad.

- Additionally being an expert in sushi is just being an expert in that one specialized field of Japanese cuisine which does take years of training. That doesn't mean a knowledge of Japanese cuisine in general.

- An executive chef in a Las Vegas casino makes about $85,000 a year. Just noting it for helpfulness.

- The swimming thing is brought on kind of suddenly. Did he know how to swim before?

- Also this is a bit of an issue throughout the profile, but I have a hard time figuring out when anything is happening and how old he is when he picks up different hobbies. If you could layout Ryuunosuke's history somewhat chronologically with the introduction of hobbies happening as he gets older with some time makers (saying what grade he's in or how old he is) that would be helpful.

"and joined a local children's competitive league"

This part's a bit off. Swimming doesn't really happen in leagues. Prior to high school you swim with a "club" and then when competitions (meets) happen children sign up as individuals, usually with more than one club participating. It's mostly just that the terminology is off.

"After the first year of swimming Ichiro even had a pool installed in the backyard of their house to allow Ryuu a better area for practice."

This would be hugely expensive to put in a lap pool of 25 yards across one way. If it's a small pool normally found in backyards, it would be sort of useless for practice.

"Similar to cooking, Ryuu grew tired of swimming after a few years;"

He got tired of cooking? I thought he was still doing it.

"Ryuu also thought of other things he could do to build up experience and began reading more books and watching more movies. In his favorite books he would find scenes and adapt them for him to act out in front of his family."

Okay, movies I get. Books though? Why not plays or something? Books aren't going to be as useful for acting, especially since there's nothing to emulate since books are static. On this note, books and movies are listed as hobbies. What kind of books and movies does he like? That's very broad. I would say I like movies, but I love horror movies and I hate romances.

"With Ryuu reading so much it was soon discovered that he had vision problems. Though they had never been too serious, the additional strain on his eyes caused his vision to deteriorate much more."

Reading won't deteriorate your eyesight. Reading in poor light will make your eyes tired, but that's temporary. If you want him to need glasses just say that they noticed he was having trouble seeing and got him glasses. Happens all the time.

- About the drums thing. Seems a little weird that someone could get moderately skilled with zero help over the course of a few months. Just say he got some lessons.

- How do the parents feel about him skipping homework? Actually, what's his relationship like with his parents at all. The most mention I see here is the mom teaching him piano. Some more elaboration on his relationship to his brother would be great too, and maybe about hoe he felt when he went off to college and if they still keep in touch.


Advantages and Disadvantages

"To some extent Ryuu knows how to prepare raw fish so that it may be fit for consumption, though this requires adequate materials and a clean workstation."

Not really an advantage. Salt water fish can actually be eaten straight out of the ocean because the salt water destroys a lot of the bacteria and parasites. No special preparations needed, just cut it open and eat it. Also sushi-grade fish or sashimi are further sterilized by freezing the fish to kill anything that survives. Unless Ryuunoske has a flash freezer on the island, his abilities to prepare raw fish for consumption will be the same as everyone else's. Double unnecessary because everyone is given enough food to survive the full two weeks. No need to scavenge.


- I feel like you're missing some big advantages here. He can act! That means he might be able to manipulate people if he needs to. If we're assuming he's a good actor, which there isn't much information on. Additionally, he has great stamina if he's a swimmer and dancer. He sounds well liked. All things that can be advantages.

"As Ryuu has been spoiled most of his life he does not know very well how to manage on his own and would likely need to rely on others for various things. Ryuu is also quite a bit more trusting than he should be, giving multiple chances before giving up on them even in situations where second chances should not be given."

None of this appears in the profile, but I wish it would. Is he spoiled? Do his parents and older sibling coddle him sort of? Is he not that independent? Is he trusting? Has there been a time he trusted someone too quickly or gave someone multiple chances?


END NOTES

Like I said, great base. I want to know a little more about Ryuunoske's personality though. Something that would really help with that would be if you tell me WHY he likes his hobbies. Does he like acting because it draws attention to him? Maybe he gets really horrible stage fright and hates attention, but loves pretending to be another person? This plus the interactions with his family and maybe more about how he interacts with friends would go a long way to helping me understand what this kid is like.

Make the edits, post in the thread and I'll go over it again!

V6 Concepts Thread
Uhhh okay

Caleb Diamond: Scruffy one half of a pair of identical twins. You might mistake him for homeless if you didn't know him very well. Walks with a noticeable slouch and is always wearing a beanie and is easily distinguishable from his more upbeat twin with better posture. He's a bit of a slacker and dabbles in mostly weed, though is aware there is a time and place for it and doesn't show up high to inappropriate places like school. He's kind of a grumpy old man in the body of an 18 year old and it's sometimes hard to tell when he's ribbing people (will greet almost all friends with "UGH, this asshole is back.") and when he's genuinely upset.

Though lazy, he is very intelligent like his twin. They both spend a lot of free time reading and learning, though he doesn't show his knowledge off much. Caleb is a bit of a history buff. He spends a lot of time playing video games, reading comics and wandering around the internet, places like 4chan and the deep web. He is also an avid skateboarder. His prickly shell hides it, but he has low self-esteem and gets depressed sometimes. Some of this is due to the fact that his identical twin is more social and well liked. He has bad problems with insomnia.


Adrian Flores: Not much info on this one yet. Generally nice dude. I have it roughly sketched out that both his parents were military and one died in combat and the other died some mundane way like car crash. He goes to live with the grandparents who are like...maybe second or third generation Mexicans but very LA RAZA and try to push that on kid. They are also very into the idea of him going to the army and he's very uneasy about that. He's peaceful, helpful. On the soccer team

Kat Zorra: Vibrant half Mexican half Vietnamese girl. Got in trouble at her rough school in LA for breaking a girl's nose and was sent to live with her aunt and uncle in Kingman. She is a happy, loud person with a disregard for rules and not much filter in what she says. She's part of the roller derby team and likes hip hop and break dancing as well. She does fairly well in school and has an after school job as a tutor. As long as one stays on her good side, she's generally nice. She's quick to anger, but quick to forgive too, and will be friends the next day after a fight.

Friends and stuff
Caleb is a crusty old man asshole in the body of an 18 year old, but eats up information like candy. He likes things that are mellow and if he can talk comix with her, I can see him learning sign language to talk and become friends with Kimiko (as long as she doesn't mind someone who refers to friends as 'Hey you, come here").

Kat similarly has no filter so would probably be friends with Cameron


Let's mash some characters together and see what happens!
I think I might have folks for you. Caleb sounds like he'd be friends with Ulysses. He's got an acerbic sense of humor and hangs out on the internet and 4chan a lot and is a fan of old Nintendo games.

Kat could be an ex for Ty. She's of a similarly chaotic bent

V6 Concepts Thread
Basically what this dude said ^. Here's a guide that helps folks flesh out characters (and is also the section where we keep lots of other guides and sometimes other websites try to steal them >:I ) http://s10.zetaboards.com/SOTF_V2/topic/7348660/1/

I came to this board having done RPing at really different, smaller games that didn't focus on regular folks so it's good to help with that. Also if you give your character a trait or have them go through something in their life, make sure to research. I had a character last round who did fire twirling and fire breathing so I had to do research on where one would learn that and the best methods of fire breathing ( corn starch provides the most safety but not the brightest flame)

V6 Concepts Thread
Yeah, I hardly ever come in here, but I might with more burly men

Hello! I can draw something for you if you'd like
I know I already got one, but they are just so gorgeous and I know it would make her the happiest. Would you be willing to add Michelle Wexler from v5 in your queue? ;~; If not that's find since I did already get one.