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Jesiree Merridew
Hey PureLight! You've made some great edits! Thanks for being a trooper. Just a couple more things I need cleared up:

- You've removed that the sleeping medication is the source of the yellowing teeth (thanks!) but now they're just yellow with no cause. Does she have bad dental hygiene? What's causing it?

- I'd like to know more about how long she's been suffering from insomnia and how bad it is. Depending on how bad it is, she could just be taking an over the counter medication instead of a prescription one. Also it'd be nifty if you named the medication. This will help you out: Insomnia stuff. Also, how does being drowsy at school and in general effect her life?


-About SOTF:, it was pretty big news so it's sort of odd that you have her looking it up to find out more information. I'm also sort of uncomfortable with her watching it for entertainment as it is pretty much a snuff film of real kids being murdered and it says some pretty dark things about her if that's what she thinks is fun, knowing full well that these are real murders.

-" Going into her later years of high school, she was less shy due to growing used to human interaction online, but was still fairly antisocial." So Jesiree transitions from shy to kindda hostile and judgmental but I'm still not sure what's behind the shift. Also I'm not sure that online interactions are a very good way to learn how to deal with people. Because it's totally different to talk to someone in person vs. on text. Also you day in the disadvantages that she is brash and tactless and it'd be nice to see some evidence of that up in the profile.

- Some side things it would be nice if you added are what she plans to do after high school, if she hangs out with anyone at all besides her baby brother and if she's ever had any crushes or romantic relationships.


We're getting close to the end, buddy! Much shorter edit. Post when you're ready for another look : )





Gavin Hunter
Hi Ghost of Ravenstar! I'm known around these parts and in several bars where it says to no longer accept my cheques as RUGGAHISSY. I'll be handling the rest of yer profile here!

I agree with the edits that Betaknight suggested for Gavin, though she won't be dealing with this profile anymore and as soon as you post in this thread that you've made them, I'll give this the once over, kay? ^_^

V4 Mafia; Sign-ups
I shall return to Mafia, though I always fail. Always.

Clouds Up
Michelle made a bit of a motion to warn Yaz but she was mowed down all the same by a patron walking into the restaurant. Michelle waved away the apology."

"Nothing to be sorry for! Of course you can sit here. Ummm, well, there's a menu here," she said picking up the plastic menu from behind the napkin dispenser.

"If you're short on money and you're hungry, you can have some of my fries and veggie burger. You can use whatever you've got to get a dessert and the two of us can share it," she said lightly.

"Oh, but nothing with ice cream, please. Maybe a slice of pie."

Michelle turned when she saw something approach them from the corner of her eye. It was Amy asking if she could sit with them.

"No, you can't. We don't want you," she said, staring sternly at the girl. About three seconds passed and she smiled.

"Kidding.Yeah sure," she said with a laugh.

Michelle poked the smiling ice cream cone and he swayed back and forth atop his platform.

"Uh hu. Soooooo stylish."

Michelle picked up the hat and put it on Amy.

"I can't believe it! It looks better on you. How can this thing look good on anyone? That's not fair."




Jesiree Merridew
Hai hai, I'm the all powerful Ruggahissy, most powerful of all other Ruggahissys and I'll be looking over your profile today. Unfortunately Jesiree is denied for right now, but lets see if we can change that, kay?

First off is her name. I did a quick search and this is the first result that comes up from a search of the name Jesirče and there are less than two pages of unique results after that. Without the accented second e (č) I get a lot more results that assure me a more that this is a legit name, so that's the more common spelling. The placement with the accented E like that doesn't make sense because it's an indicator for the emphasis to be placed on that letter, so the name would sound like this: Je-sir-EH-e, which is awkward. A search on the origin of the name shows that it's Italian/Hispanic, so I'm a little confused as to how a Kenyan/Welsh girl got the name. If it's just because the parents thought it was nice, that's fine, but give it a mention.


"Her skin is fairly dark, but not very"

That's not very specific. Could you add a tone or a skin color so that people can get a better picture of her? Caramel color? Mocha colored? Olive toned skin?

"Her teeth are perfectly straight, but permanently rendered slightly yellow from a prescription insomnia medication she takes"

I have not been able to find any sleep medication that lists yellowing teeth as a side effect.

Jesirče did not speak to her parents very much, and grew up with little influence from them. They were not actively uninvolved in her upbringing, though, signing her up for numerous activities at a young age

How is it that her parents didn't have an influence on their child? Her mother is a waitress and her dad has a good job, it seems like they should be home at night to take care of their daughter. The sentence itself is contradictory, if they were not actively involved in her upbringing, how are they signing her up for all these activities? It means that they care about her, they want her to try different hobbies and perhaps have something to do after school. That sounds like they're involved. Unless they were signing her up for them for some other reason that you'd like to explain in the biography.

"Despite her apathy towards most of these sign-ups, she picked up on them very quickly, able to perform at average to above-average in most. She was particularly good at track despite her lack of muscle, but gave that up quicker than most."

I'm skeptical that she can pick up skills with such ease that she quickly becomes above average in them. Skills are hard to get, they take practice. Some skills do involve some natural ability (I will never be an astrophysics because I hate math and also I suck at it -_-) but track is most definitely something that requires you to practice and build the muscle for especially at Jesiree's weight.

"She was antisocial going into elementary school, rarely talking to other students. This continued through the years."

Why was she so antisocial? Is she just shy? Most kids want to play with other kids, especially at such a young age.

This: "She suffers from insomnia, which caused her some trouble keeping her grades up in early middle school. Her parents took this up with her doctor, who prescribed a medication. She takes this medication nightly"

Contradicts this: "She got straight A’s through middle school and continued getting decent grades in her first years of high school."

It says she was doing just fine in middle school as far as grades. So which one was it? As far as her insomnia, I'd like to know more. What sort of medication does she take? What are the side effects (teeth staining is not a side effect of any sleep medication I've found)? How long has she been suffering from insomnia? How did the insomnia make her feel?

This:"She was home alone more often as she grew and became more independent, letting her parents put more time into work.

Contradicts this earlier statement: "Jesirče did not speak to her parents very much, and grew up with little influence from them."

It says she was home alone MORE which includes that before, she wasn't home alone as much, so her parents were around. Also I don't understand why a waitress would need to put more time into work. Do they need the extra money?

"In her earlier years, before having to watch James, she would often walk around the city if the weather was good, where she had easy access to drugs."

So she's going to score drugs with a baby in tow? That seems...unsafe >_>. Also, can I get a little bit about how she started on pot? She doesn't have friends according to this, and she seems to be a good student up until her waning interest. How'd she get involved in this? And where does she get the money? Doesn't seem like she works. Also, I need to know way more about the brother. When was he born in relation to Jesiree's age? How old is he now? Does she like him? Is she resentful she has to watch him? What is their relationship like? Why did the family have another child so far after their first?

"This is what led her to the currently existing SOTF torrents, which piqued her interest for being an entirely new concept, in which she was engrossed despite, or perhaps because of the grotesque nature of it. She only watched halfway through the events of V4, however, since the site she used to download torrents was shut down by the government in January of 2012."

As of v4 with the escape of a good deal of students it is widely known that SOTF is not a television show and is real. It is considered in extremely poor taste to support something that was a terrorist attack. I don't doubt that there might be torrents of it floating around but everyone would most certainly know that it is NOT a television show by fall of 2008.

"Going into her later years of high school, she became more judgmental of others instead of just quiet. If a person did not share her interests and opinions, she would refuse to work with them."

Any reason for this? It seems before this that she just doesn't talk to people, but suddenly here and in her advantages/disadvantages she has a very short temper. Also, what exactly are her interests and opinions? All that I see is movies, television, the internet reading and piano. I can't imagine anyone has a huge problem with any of those. Up until this point I have no idea what it is she might have opinions on that she feels this strongly about. On the subject of her fighting, has she ever gotten warnings or been sent to detention for them? It seems like her she just gets into screaming matches rather than physical fights. Can you clarify that?


"If interested in learning a new topic, such as how to use a new technology, she can pick up the basics quickly"

I don't see how this is an advantage. There isn't going to be any new technology to learn how to use on the island.

"She is a very fast runner in short bursts."

In the biography it said that she was on track for some unknown period of time and then quit. If she was on track for two weeks and doesn't exercise, I doubt that she's going to be very fast. Could you specify more about track in the biography or alter her running skill? Running mostly isn't a natural skill like just being very artistic. It's a built skill.

Another thing that's pretty absent here, how does she feel about her mixed heritage? Does she talk to any of the members of her mother or father's families?



Kay, so post when you've got it edited! Gooooooooood luck!

Clouds Up
Michelle pushed around the salt and pepper shakers together with one finger while she waited for her meal. She pushed the salt in a circle around the pepper and imagined that they were dancing. She looked down and saw there was a red smudge on her collar. Did they serve any red ice creams? Michelle wasn't sure. They must, otherwise, why would that color be on her? What ice cream flavors are red though? Cherry? No, cherry is more pink. Did they serve a Hawaiin punch flavored ice cream? ........ Is that a flavor of ice cream that exists?

Michelle curiously brought the collar of her dress up and licked it to see if she could figure it out. As she did so, a girl called her name from the other side of the diner. She turned around, collar of her dress still in her mouth. Michelle spit it out and wiped her mouth, hoping if she ignored it, Yazmin might as well.


"Hey Yaz," she returned, waving quickly. "Ah, what's up? Here for dinner by your lonesome?"



Clouds Up
((Michelle Weschler continued from Somebody Once Told Me the World Was Gonna Roll Me))

Michelle walked into the Around the Clock Diner, dragging her feet and head tilted down towards the tiles. On top of her head sat a blue, red and yellow stripped hat with an ice cream cone afixed to the top by a spring. The happy ice cream cone juantily bobbed along with her steps, though it was at a downward angle now, tilted in the direction of her head.

Her ever-present friendship bracelets still adorned her wrists, a sign that even in the strange outfit, she was most certainly Michelle. She shuffled into the diner in her fluffy red, blue and yellow stripped dresss with a white apron tied around her waist, stained by a few colorful smudges. It was the uniform from the ice cream shop she worked at, "Nice Cream." It was a pretty humiliating outfit, but the job itself wasn't terrible. Michelle didn't even really mind the hat. The hat with the smiling, bouncing ice cream cone was sort of cute. She did however, hate the dress. She hated all dresses. This one was particularly awful.

She's just come off of her shift at Nice Cream. Michelle wasn't a huge fan of closing shift, but it paid a little more for the extra time she spend closing up shop. Michelle flopped down in a booth . Out of her apron pocket she fished out the bills and coins she'd gotten from the tip jar. She had enough for a veggie burger and a water or a grilled cheese and a soda. The waitress approached and greeted the exhausted Michelle as she set her bouncy hat on the table.

"Long day, hun?"

"Um, yeah. It's all money though, right?"

The waitress smiled at Michelle as she firmed her resolve and decided on the veggie burger and water.

Michelle sighed and leaned her head on her hand, staring out the window.

Violet Blue Dragon
Mara giggled a bit at Naomi's comments about the other girl. She was smiling a real smile, something which wasn't all that common of her to do as of late. She twirled a piece of hair around her finger, and eyed down the pile of books Naomi carried. The other girl was struggling.

"Sure. Put them in your car. You can't carry all of those with wet nails anyhow."

Quickly she checked her phone again and continued walking with Noami out to the parking lot.

"It'll be nice to get pampered. We can feel human again," she said spiritedly.

((Amaranta Montalvo continued in High Fashion, High Prices))

Jake Mordetsky
HONOR RESTORED.

APPROVED

Violet Blue Dragon
Mara walked along with Naomi, still with her grasp on the other girl. Her hips switched as she walked a pounding walk with her step a bit of a stylized stomp. Naomi picked up a bottle of moisturizer and said she was going to go purchase it. She walked with Naomi away from the make up displays and to the line to wait for the cashier.

"Can you believe her?" she said in a hushed tone, so as not to be heard by the others waiting in line.

As if someone had flipped a switch, Mara smiled a genuine smile and laughed a bit.

"We're not having a good day with people, hu? First Owen and his bike thing and now this.

Her laugh was full and not very fitting of someone as delicate looking as her. Her laughing trailed off and she smoothed out her pashmina again.


"Ohhh goodness," she sighed. "Let's go get manicures or something after this. No better way to brighten a mood. My treat."

Rugga's scribbles
I went through my note book from last semester and realized I said I'd draw people stuff. WHOOPS, SORRY, HAVE V4 ROSA


Rosa

Violet Blue Dragon
"Who's being rude? I didn't say anything."

Mara was technically correct, she'd never said anyone's name or even specified a gender in her comment. Technically correct was the best kind of correct.

"I can't be held accountable if someone reacts to every vague comment with the threat of physical violence, which I will not debase myself to, of course."


"And I don't think I want for the reprobate vote," she said under her breath with a sharp look to Naomi.

She stood up straight and held her head up high.

"See you later, Jaquilyn," she said with a twisted smile.

I will remember this, you silly little puppet.

Smile. Had Mara's temper been tapped, there might have been a much worse outcome. However in her view, Jaquilyn was not something to get upset over. She was silly. She was like a clown with floppy shoes and a red nose. Subhuman. Calling her a pussy and trying to start a fight were just.... ridiculous to her. The girl was ridiculous.

The girl was quite close to her. Mara turned on her heels, took Noami's arm and flipped her hair back intentionally.

"Nouveau riche, honestly," she muttered.

Jake Mordetsky
Woah O_O


You edit stuff like a boss. This is super! I love the expansion on his family and his dad's restaurant. Imma stop you for some minor stuff now and one bigger thing though:

You got a couple spelling errors peppered in the bio. Next time just run it through a spell check or something. For now those errors are:

"His mother Carol is the heiress to a large resort empire, his father Bryan is a world-famous chef with a local restaraunt called..."

"She would aknoeledge him on occasion, but only briefly before going back to Stacey."

"Stacey always felt embarassed to be related to him because of his poor social skills..."

"Jake will tell anyone that his dad's berbequed brisket is the best thing that he's ever tasted..."

"Unfortunately, his atheletic ability is pretty much a complete inverrsion of his academic ability. Jake isn't strong, he isn't tough, and he doesn't have a lot of stamina. His poor atheletic performance..."

"...and ended up missing his opporitunity."

"...if only he could ge the confidence to finally believe in himself,"



Okey Dokey. That's done. Last issue is the thing with his skipping grades. It's kind of more messy to have someone skip from 7th grade to 9th grade because it's a jump from middle school to high school. Schools are hesitant to do this because there's a social issue with the levels of maturity of a 12 year old vs a 14 year old. I'm unsure that the administrators would let this through for Jake since he seems to have trouble socializing even within his own age group. If you really want him to skip the grade, I suggest you do it like you had before, when he jumped in high school and just mention that he takes extra classes because it's a much easier grade jump that can be achieve by...well...just taking the extra classes.

Stephanie Wright
APPROVED

Violet Blue Dragon
Mara took a bottle of red polish and opened it, looking at the tint outside the bottle to get a better gauge on the hue. She was aware of Jaquilyn walking up to her; she saw it in her peripheral vision. Mara swept a piece of her glossy, black hair behind her ear and inspected the nail polish brush, not looking at Jaquilyn even when she addressed her ready to fight.

"Oh hello," she said absently, turning the small bottle over in her hand. "Did someone say something about you? I know I didn't. Not everything is about you, Jaqui, you'd do well to remember it."

Mara dipped the brush into the bottle and pushed it delicately against the surface of her thumb. She held her finger at a distance, trying to appraise the look of the polish with her skin.

"And even so, an invitation to fight?"

Mara turned and looked for the first time at the other girl, her dark eyes pushed upward slightly, as if amused.

"Don't be vulgar."

She turned to Naomi and held her hand out as if asking an opinion on the nail lacquer.

"As I was saying with Owen, no use trying to conciliate them."


Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me
Michelle nodded quickly and returned a smile.

"Yeah. Michelle. Michelle Weschler. There must be tons of Michelles around."

She rocked slightly on her stool, feet placed on the lower rung now, facing in towards each other.

"I'm like the anti-bendy. But floor is really cool. I totally respect that. It always looks so pretty on t.v."

She was surprised when she felt the girl touch her wrist. Michelle was a touchy feely sort, always hugging people, hanging off of her friends and holding hands with people she was walking with. However, that was pretty much just with people she was close to. She shifted slightly, trying to remain polite.

"I- uh- I'll remember that!" she said. "Really, I will."

The bell rang signaling the end of class. Michelle quickly scooped her suplies into her bag and zipped it up.

"I'll see you next art period, kay? Cool talking to you!"

(Michelle Weschler continued in Clouds Up)

Violet Blue Dragon
Mara beamed in response to Naomi. Of course she'd make a good vice president. She knew how to get people off their lazy asses to get things done. And she wouldn't all that much mind if Naomi was the one who was in the presidential position.

"I'm glad you approve. I can certainly see why you'd want to be president and you do have everyone's best interest at heart. Well, we will both have to try our best then, hmm?"

She picked up a yellow bottle of Clinique moisterizer and pushed it at Naomi.

"Of course Owen would think that. Naomi, the boy is a little criminal. He thinks everyone is like him. So it only makes sense that he'd accuse you of doing something like scratching his stupid motorbike. It's because it's the sort of thing that he would do if he had a problem with someone."

Mara knew that the other girl couldn't do something like that anyhow. It wasn't in her nature to do something like property damage.

Mara looked up and saw her companion looking elsewhere. She followed her line of sight which ended on Jaquilyn. Mara looked at Naomi and pulled a half scowling face. She looked back down at a row of nail polishes.

"Someone decided to get more face paint," she said quietly in a sing song tone while looking down at the products.

Violet Blue Dragon
"Hey!" she called sharply to a girl at the counter. "Watch our bag, hmm? We're customers," she snapped before turning back to Naomi.

Mara looked into one of the lighted mirrors, checking to see if there were any blemishes on her skin.

"Criminal activities? How ridiculous. Who'd accuse you of that?"

Mara was riffling around the Benefit line, picking up a foundation box and holding it up to Naomi's face to see the if there was a color match.

"Toki Doki is alright. It's very cute and it's not to bad on the wallet if that's important to you. I have one of the eye shadow pallets. It comes with a little silver key chain but it's going out colors, not day time colors. I think that's it. I think most of their stuff is going out stuff."

The lip stain accentuated her lips. Mara didn't like that. She didn't like how her lips looked. She took a tissue and wiped, getting about half the color off. It was called a stain after all.

"I wanted to talk to you about student elections. We're both on the council and now we're seniors. We have a right to run for the office positions. I wanted to run for vice president and I wanted to know what you thought," she said lightly.

Jake Mordetsky
Poor Jakey pie. I'll color with you >: )


He's a pretty good start, but Imma deny him for right now. Nothing a few changes can't fix!

First off, you've got a bit of a typo:

"is mother is the heiress to a lare fortune,"

-On that note, what sort of fortune is she heiress to?
- His family seems to be rolling in the dough. What sort of upbringing has he had as a result? Seems like these are some wealthy people. Is he spoiled? Appreciative of his wealth? Do they live in the fancy rich people neighborhood? How did money affect him growing up? His mom doesn't seem to pay much attention to him. Did he grow up with nannies?
- Is there a reason Stacy is such a mega bitch to Jakey?

"It provided a perfect explanation as to why his own mother barely even aknowledged his existence."

-That seems kindda harsh. Does she totally ignore him or does she just prefer Stacy over him? What's the degree of the favoritism?

- I'd like to know a little more about dad. You say he tries to build him up and bring the kids closer, but how does he try to do those things? Do they have family vacations? Does he try to show an interest in things Jake likes? Why haven't these things worked? Also, what's his relationship to his dad? Do they hang out and does he talk to him more than his mother? Does he have an opinion on his dad's cooking?

- I'm a little wary to let someone through with an "incredibly high IQ" because most kids aren't geniuses. It would suffice to just say he's very smart or bright.

- Skipping grades. As far as I know, you can graduate from high school early as long as you meet the requirements for classes taken, rather than a grades thing. So in order to do that, most students take extra classes in summer school. It's not based on your intelligence but on the amount of required classes you've taken towards being able to graduate. Not all high schools offer summer classes or extra classes so I will have to check with the other mods on the Aurora policies concerning early graduation.

- What sorts of cartoons does he like? Does he watch other shows besides cartoons and robot wars?

- Robot war-ing seems expensive. Do his parents support the hobby?

-He likes art. Does he take art class in school? Does he have aspirations for it or is it for funzies? What are his career aspirations anyway?

-You say he doesn't have many friends? Not any? Does he know other art kids or other robot enthusiasts? He doesn't have a few nerd friends?


That's about it. So mainly I'm just lookin' fer some expansion so we know Jake a little better : ) . And I'll check up on the early graduation stuff. Post when you're ready!

EDITS EVERYWHERE: Alrighty, I checked with the staff and Jake's fine to skip ahead to senior for early graduation as long as you make it clear that he's been taking summer classes and extra zero period (before school actually starts with first period) or eigth period (staying later) classes. Skippin' forward in highschool, as one of the staff said so well so now I'll steal it, is about putting in the extra work to get all the required classes done early, not about intelligence!

Violet Blue Dragon
Mara heard her name and lifted her head, automatically sweeping back a bit of her fine, glossy, jet black hair. The action was one, as if that was what she always did when someone came upon her suddenly. A single black pearl earring was visible now, fastened to her ear. Mara brushed down the front of her pink colored pashmina, wrapped around a clean, black close fitted long sleeved shirt. It gave her the appearance of being somewhat Indian, an ethnicity she was sometimes mistaken for.

Mara hastily put the cap back on the tube and shoved it into it's place holder. She picked up another more expensive brand and inspected it before looking up at Naomi. Mara waved and approached her, giving her an air kiss.

"Hello Naomi!" she said exuberantly. "Sorry, didn't want to get any on you," she said putting a hand over her lips briefly.

Her almond eyes roved over the girl for a few seconds before she decided she approved. Mara smiled. She liked Naomi. Liking someone wasn't all that uncommon for Mara but something that was rather unusual was that she respected Naomi as well. She was pretty, wealthy and she was intelligent. The only wrinkle Mara found was that Naomi had a tendency to be a bit of a do-gooder. However, it was a tolerable wrinkle.


"No, it was entirely by caprice, you know? My feet just led me here."

Mara eyed the books.

"Someone had quite the time at the book store. I've read many of those, you know," she said picking up one of them. "This one is really good," she said of a book that in reality, she'd only read a review for.

"Why don't you let them keep these at the counter and have a little wind down? I wanted to talk to you anyhow."